


Broken, Lost, Mended & Found

by achlyss



Category: A.C.E (Beat Interactive Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Road Trip, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, M/M, Mental Health Issues, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Panic Attacks, Past Abuse, Polyamory, Self-Harm, Suicidal Thoughts, Wowson - Freeform, dongjunchan, polyamorous dongjunchan
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-01-02
Updated: 2018-03-11
Packaged: 2019-02-27 06:57:20
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 22
Words: 116,901
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13242930
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/achlyss/pseuds/achlyss
Summary: Two runaway brothers stumble upon three strangers spending their summer on the road.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Hello there everyone, this is my first time posting on AO3 and I'm still adjusting with their format.  
> I've not written anything in ages, but I got sudden rush of inspiration and ended up writing this ot5 fic. This is probably going to be very long as what i've already written is over 15k words and there's so much more left. It might be a bit rough in the beginning as i had troubles getting back into writing, but i think it gets much better as the story line progresses.  
> If you don't feel comfortable about warnings mentioned in additional tags, please be cautious as it might be triggering.  
> I didn't really get to fix mistakes, so I apologize for that. Hope you guys will enjoy reading this. (^^-^^)

 

**Chapter One**

 

“Channie? Channie, wake up. You’ve to get up. We’ve to go.” Sehyoon whispered in a hushed voice as he tried to shake his younger brother awake.  “Channie, wake up!”

The younger male blinked at him with wide, unfocused eyes. “Sehyoon? Wh.. What happened?” He asked in a small voice as he registered who the person standing over his bed was.

“We’ve to leave right now.” Sehyoon said urgently and tried to pull the younger out of the bed.

“I don’t understand. What’s going on? Is it uncle? Did.. Did he..” Yuchan started, but Sehyoon didn’t let him finish his sentence as he pushed him out of the bed.

“I will explain later. We’ve to leave right now. Hurry up and pack some of your things. Not much. Only important stuff and change into something else. I’ll be back in a minute.” Yuchan stared at his older brother’s retreating back with lost expression on his face. He couldn't process what was happening or where Sehyoon was taking him to, but he could never doubt Sehyoon, so he did as he was told. He grabbed everything that came in his mind and considered important and shoved it in his backpack.

Sehyoon appeared on the doorway few minutes later, carrying two huge bags.

“C’mon, Channie, let’s go. I don’t think we’ve much time.” The older male pointed him to the door with his head.

“But Sehyoon, I don’t understand. Where are we going?” Yuchan asked as he took a small, hesitant step towards the door.

“I’m getting you, no, us, out of this place. C’mon, let's go.” His older brother nudged him out of his room. “Be quiet.”

“But..” He started but Sehyoon gave him a glare which was more than enough to silence him. He silently followed his brother down the stairs. He felt cold sweat breaking out on his neck. His heart felt like it was about to burst out of his chest.

He only managed to get a small glimpse of their living room and it was enough for his breath to catch. A quiet gasp escaped his lips as he took in the sight in front of him. The whole room looked like war had taken place there. Chairs were turned, the floor was covered in shattered pieces of glass and his uncle was lying in the middle of the whole mess.

“Sehyoon.” He cried out, but Sehyoon hushed him as he grabbed the younger's thin wrist and dragged him out of the house. “Sehyoon, what happened?” He kept asking, but his older brother didn’t give him any answers. He wasn’t even looking at him. He looked scared and distant. The older boy pushed him on a passenger seat of their uncle’s car and slammed the door close firmly.

Yuchan could only hear back door of the car being slammed open and then closed before his brother took the steering wheel and tore their uncle’s car from its place. The younger sat in shocked silence while his brother drove them out of the familiar neighborhood.

“Channie?” He heard Sehyoon whisper, but he found it hard to concentrate on the other's voice. “Channie?”

It took Yuchan few minutes to gather his thoughts as he let out an almost inaudible “Y..Yes.”

“I’m sorry for not warning you in advance. I thought.. I thought he wasn’t hurting you. Why didn’t you tell me?! When I asked you why didn’t you tell me he was hurting you all this time while I was away?!” He could hear anger and frustration in his older brother’s voice and he could also sense the effort his brother was putting in to not scare him further than he already was with his tone.

“I.. I thought.. I wanted you to be happy.. So I didn’t.. Didn’t tell you.” Yuchan forced himself to answer. He didn’t want to talk about it. He wanted to forget everything his uncle had done to him, to them. It was too much for him. He didn't want to remember it anymore and talking about it was awakening deeply hidden memories Yuchan wished so hard to forget. Just the mere thought of it put him through so much pain and he didn't want to go through it anymore. He wanted Sehyoon to stop. He wanted everything to stop at this moment. He was exhausted and he wanted to sleep, to escape from his thoughts, from facing memories he had safely locked away in the back of his mind.

“No, Chan, I’m not happy if you aren’t. You’d have told me. I should have done something earlier. I’d not have left you behind.” Sehyoon gritted through his teeth. Yuchan could see his brother’s knuckles turning white on the steering wheel.

“I’m so sorry.. I thought.. I didn’t want you to come back.. Because then.. Then he’d have.. Instead of me..” He didn’t know he was crying until Sehyoon pull the car on the side of the road and gently cupped his face in his trembling hands.

“No, Chan, I’m sorry. I’m so sorry that you’ve to go through such a thing. I thought he wouldn’t hurt you.. I thought he only wanted to hurt me.. I’m so sorry for leaving you behind. Channie, I’m so sorry.” His older brother pulled him into a hug, so Yuchan wouldn’t see him crying, but the younger could hear tears in his voice. Sehyoon was hurting just as much as Yuchan was, maybe he was hurting more than Yuchan. He knew Sehyoon would blame himself if he were to know how their uncle treated him after the older brother had found escape in the face of university life. He knew his brother would abandon everything for him, so he kept everything in secret from him, no matter how hard it got or how much it hurt. “I wanted to kill this sick bastard tonight. I wanted to smash his skull with my own hands. How could he.. How could he touch you like that?! How could he dare to lay his filthy hands on you?! Chan, why didn’t you tell me?! Chan?.. I’m sorry. I won’t let such a thing happen to you, to us ever again. Forgive me please, Channie.” His older brother kept begging him for forgivness, but there was nothing for Yuchan to forgive. He couldn’t blame Sehyoon for trying to find happiness. He couldn't blame Sehyoon for running away. He couldn’t be that selfish.

“I don’t have to forgive you, Sehyoon. I am just as sorry. I really am. But did you.. You didn’t kill.. Kill him right?” Yuchan pulled away from his older brother’s tight embrace and searched for his eyes. “You didn’t, right?”

“No, no, I didn’t. And I regret not killing him. He deserves to die from my hands. He deserves to die for hurting you, Chan.” Sehyoon choked out as he pulled him back into a hug.

“He deserves to die, but you’re not a killer, Sehyoon.” Yuchan whispered as he stroke his brother’s hair in a desperate attempt to calm him. “You’re not like him, Sehyoon." The older boy remaind quiet as Yuchan continued caressing his hear. "He won’t be able to hurt us anymore, right? He.. We.. We won’t go back, right?” In the end the younger found the courage to ask.

“No. We’re not going back. I’m never sending you anywhere near him.” Sehyoon said as he tightened his hold on Yuchan’s lithe body protectively. “None of us are going back there.”

“Sehyoon how.. How about your.. University?” The younger asked and Sehyoon pulled back to look into his eyes.

“I’m not going back. I don’t need to. We’ll find a quiet place far away from here and we’ll find a way to live.” His older brother said and cupped Yuchan's face with gentle fingers. “Trust me on this, Channie. We’ll find home only just for the two of us and we’ll be happy.”

“But univer..” He tried, but Sehyoon cut him off.

“I don’t need it, Chan. I only need you to be happy and safe, okay? I only need you in this world.” He could see desperation in his older brother’s eyes. He knew Sehyoon had made a final decision and he finally understood that they were leaving this place for good. He knew that his older brother was finally putting bones to their childhood promise. He could trust Sehyoon blindly. Sehyoon's existence was the only reassurance he needed to carry on.

“Thank you for coming back for me. I love you, Sehyoon.” Yuchan whispered shakely and a painful smile paved its way on Sehyoon's lips. It looked broken, but it meant something.

“I love you too, Channie.”

 

**Chapter Two**

 

“Hurry up, Hun. Byeongkwan is going to be here in a minute.” Junhee called out for his boyfriend who had decided to take a shower last minute.

“I’ll be out in a second.” Donghun called back just as someone knocked on their door.

“He’s already here.” Junhee sighed as he made his way to the door. He was greeted by the sight of their overly excited best friend. They had been preparing for this day for weeks, had made a promise of going on a trip just the three of them together years ago, so it was no surprise that all of them were feeling extremely giddy. Today marked the beginning of their 3 months long road trip through the whole country and back.

“You guys all ready and set up?” Byeongkwan asked as he stepped inside the house.

“I am. However, your best friend suddenly decided to take a shower.” Junhee huffed out in annoyance, which made Byeongkwan laugh.

“Oh, oh, the old couple are having a quarrel.” He teased and his best friend hit him on the arm.

“Your best friend is turning me white.” Junhee pointed at his blond hair and disappeared inside the kitchen. “You want something to drink before leaving?” He called out for Byeongkwan who was quick to refuse.

“Nah, nope. We’ve a lot to cover before our first destination.”

“Oh, yeah. Right.” Junhee said as he walked back into the living room. “We better start taking all these bags out. I don’t think he will be out anytime soon.” He pointed to the huge pile of bags and then to the bathroom door, where Donghun was singing some unfamiliar song, Byeongkwan didn't know, his heart out.

“Sure. Let me get these.” Byeongkwan hoisted up three of his friends bags and headed to the door. Junhee laughed at him.

“Show off.” He called after his best friend, who tried to flip him off, but failed.

“At least, open the door for me.” He said in feigned annoyance and it gave Junhee more reason for laughing.

 

*******

 

“You guys ready?” Byeongkwan asked as he clasped his hands together. He was seated on the driver seat of his car, while Donghun was occupying the passenger seat and Junhee was sprawled out on the backseat.

“Yes!” Both of his best friends cheered as he turned the engine on and slowly left the parking lot of his friends' apartement building.

“This is gonna be fun.” Junhee said as he leaned forward to rest his chin on Donghun’s shoulder.

“Try to make this fun for me too.” Byeongkwan tried to sound annoyed, but his friends only showed him a huge, teasing grin in return. “I think I don’t want to go on a road trip anymore.” He mumbled to himself and Junhee smacked him on the arm.

“You know it’s gonna be fun. It’s not like Hun and I are all over each other.” He pouted and looked at Donghun to agree with him.

“Yeah. We’re not in high school anymore.” Donghun added and Byeongkwan made a face.

“Don’t ever remind me of high school.”

“Okay, okay. Enough with that. Where is my speaker?” Junhee dismissed the topic with the shake of his hand as he turned in his seat to find the speaker. “I’m DJing our way through this trip.” He cheered for himself just as loud music filled the car.

 

**Chapter Three**

 

Sehyoon glanced at his younger brother through the rearview mirror, who was soundlessly sleeping on the backseat. He was curled up on the seat, his face looked paler than usual, but at least he was sleeping quietly, without any fear of being forcefully awaken by a predator, who was supposed to be their family, but turned out to be their biggest nightmare.

He heard quiet buzzing coming from Yuchan's jacket that was hanging on the head of the passenger seat younger was occupying few hours ago. He leaned for a bit and searched for his younger brother’s cellphone with one hand, while keeping his sight on the road. He grabbed the phone and immediately had to resist the urge of throwing it out of the window. It was their uncle calling, probably hoping to scare younger male for running away with Sehyoon and convince him to go back. He ended the call and turned his brother’s cellphone off, before putting it back to its previous place. He glanced back to sleeping Yuchan again, who fortunately hadn’t been disturbed by the buzzing phone.

They were quiet far from their uncle's house, which eased Sehyoon’s worries a bit. His uncle wouldn’t be able to reach for them, but he knew that they needed to leave the car somewhere on the way. It would be dangerous for their safety and whereabouts, if their uncle decided to look for them, which Sehyoon was sure he would. They needed to change everything that could trace their uncle to their whereabouts. But first, they needed to get away as far from this place as possible.

Sehyoon got lost in his thoughts and didn’t notice when Yuchan started to stir from his slumber. He had to restrain his forceful movements when younger boy placed his hand on his shoulder.

“Hi.” Yuchan greeted in a quiet voice and gave him a small smile.

“Hi. Slept well?” He tried to sound unaffected, while also trying to avoid looking at his younger brother’s bare arms, which were covered with brownish bruises. Seeing Yuchan's bruises made him feel nauseous and guilty. He was ashamed of himself for running of, for being selfish, for leaving his younger brother with such man, for leaving the only person that mattered to him for such life. He was ashamed of himself and his cowardice and the pain and guilt were choking him. When he finally found the courage to go back to his uncle’s house after two years of being away, safe in the university, because his uncle was getting impatient with him and was threatening him with seriously hurting Yuchan, he found it extremely strange that his younger brother refused to wear short sleeves in such weather. Yuchan loved short sleeves, they were one of the reasons why he loved summer when he was younger. When he kept asking Yuchan if he was alright, if their uncle treated him bad, if there was something he needed to tell Sehyoon, younger would give him a smile in response, assuring him that he was fine and there was nothing troubling his mind. But few days later being in this cursed house, he saw his brother’s bruises by accident, and all the anger he has locked in himself all this time poured out at once. He couldn’t restrain himself from attacking their uncle. He wanted to hurt their uncle for hurting him, for tainting his childhood, his innocence, his life, but he wanted to kill him for hurting Yuchan, for daring to lay his hand on his naïve and precious younger brother. Sehyoon couldn’t face himself. What happened to Yuchan was his fault and he wanted to fix it by hurting their uncle. Hurting the man who was supposed to look after them, take care of them, be a family for them, but only abused his power to satisfy his own desires. Sehyoon wanted to kill him, because he hurted the most precious thing in Sehyoon’s life, but he couldn’t. Because Kim Sehyoon was a coward and his brother’s pain was caused by his cowardice.

“I slept well. I dreamt of mom.” Yuchan replied as he leaned forward and rested his cheek on Sehyoon’s shoulder, distracting him from his thoughts. “Are you not tired?”

“Don’t worry about me.” Sehyoon turned his head to the side and planted a kiss on his brother’s head. “Did she tell you something?”

“She did.” Yuchan nodded and looked up at Sehyoon through his lashes. “She said that she misses us and that we will be fine soon.” Sehyoon had to hold his tears back at younger's words. He needed to be strong for Yuchan, he needed to be a strong pillar for his younger brother to lean on. He needed to fix what he broke and he unconsciously broke the most precious thing in his life. He needed to fix Yuchan until it was too late and it didn’t matter that he himself needed to be fixed. Yuchan wasn’t like him or like anyone else. He was sweet and lovely and caring and always positive no matter what he went through. That's why Sehyoon needed to pay more attention to the way Yuchan behaved, because he never showed his troubles and deceived Sehyoon perfectly. While he thought Yuchan was safe, younger had gone through the hell. Sehyoon made promise to himself that he would bring the sparkle Yuchan’s eyes back.

“We miss her too and I promise that we will be fine. Just give me more time and trust me.” Sehyoon laid his hand on Yuchan’s head and gently patted him several times. His actions made younger smile a little. It looked sad, but nevertheless beautiful.  He wanted to see Yuchan smile as he used to. Like he held all the sunshines.

“I trust you, Sehyoon.” Younger whispered and closed his eyes, which made him look more vulnerable. Sehyoon didn’t know his heart could shatter more than it already has, but it kept breaking. He didn’t know he could hurt more than he already was, but such sight of his younger brother hurt him to the extent his heart bleed. He was the reason why Yuchan was hurt, he was the reason why Yuchan’s innocence had been tored away from him, he was the reason Yuchan’s eyes have lost its sparkle, but he would fix it. He would fix the impossible for Yuchan.

“Sehyoon, do we have money?” Younger asked, pulling Sehyoon out of his trace.

“We do. Why?” He glanced down at Yuchan, whose cheek was still rested on Sehyoon's shoulder.

“I am hungry.” Yuchan mumbled and Sehyoon couldn't help but smile.

He knew he still had a chance to fix Yuchan, so he was going to fix him.

 

**Chapter Four**

 

“Huuun, I’m hungry.” Junhee complained as he stretched out on the backseat and resisted an yawn.

“We’ll stop at the nearest restaurant and grab some food. Wait a little.” Donghun replied as he took out his phone to search for the nearest restaurant on the way.

“Good. I’m starving.” Junhee whined as he leaned forward to look over his boyfriend’s shoulder.

“We had breakfast before leaving Jun.” Donghun laughed and kissed Junhee on the head.

“Being in the car for hours makes me hungry.” Junhee continued his childish whining and the other two just rolled their eyes at him. This was typical Junhee. They were so used to his antics.

“Wait a bit more. There’s a restaurant 2km away.” Donghun turned in his seat to face his complaining boyfriend. “We’d put the snacks' bag in here for such cases.” He said and gently pushed hair out of his boyfriend’s face, who flashed him a grateful smile. Donghun's breath caught. He could swear he falls in love every time Junhee smiles.

“Can you two stop?” Byeongkwan grumbled and his best friends laughed at his nth attempt of being annoyed with them.

 

**Chapter Five**

 

“Wait for me in the car. I’ll pay for the food and will be back.” Sehyoon gently pushed Yuchan on the waist and nudged him out of the restaurant. Younger didn't want to leave without Sehyoon, but simply nodded and slowly retreated to the doors, while Sehyoon went to the counter to pay for their meal.

He kept his eyes trained on Yuchan’s steps, who was making his way out of the restaurant quietly, until the door pushed open and his younger brother walked onto someone that barged into restaurant with obnoxious sounds.

“Oh, I’m sorry.” He heard his brother apologize as he hurriedly handed bills to the cashier.

“That’s alright. We’d be the sorry ones. Junhee here just couldn’t wait, because…” Sehyoon heard one of the men say as he accepted his change.

“Because I’m starving.” The guy, who Sehyoon assumed was Junhee, cried out.

“Everything alright, Chan?” Sehyoon asked as he hurriedly walked up to them. He couldn’t see his younger brother’s face and he could only hope Yuchan wasn’t scared of sudden encounter. Yuchan's head snapped back at him. He looked a bit shaken. He gave Sehyoon a little nod.

“If that’s the case, we’ll going now.” Sehyoon gestured to the doors and Yuchan nodded again.

“I’m sorry.” He apologized to the couple, before scurrying out of the restaurant.

“Our apologies. Have a good day.” One of the men told Sehyoon as he lead the other to the counter.

Sehyoon caught up with Yuchan midway and patted him on the head.

“Are you sure you alright?” He asked and Yuchan smiled up at him in response.

“Yea. Just surprised.” The younger explained and skipped to their car.

 

*******

 

“Kwannie, what took you so long. You missed out some real nice guy.” Junhee cried out as soon as Byeongkwan took free seat in front of him.

“In case you forgot i had to park the car.” Byeongkwan rolled his eyes at him, before adding. “What guy?”

“No one. He just run over some cute guy, because he couldn’t wait for a few seconds.” Donghun explained to him, while Junhee gave him a pout.

“I was starving, okay?”

“Okay. We got that, Jun. Now, what about the guy?” Byeongkwan dismissed him as he accepted his order from the waiter. At least, they didn't forget to order his food.

“Oh you seem interested.” Junhee wiggled his brows at him.

“Just eat your food Jun.” Byeongkwan pointed him to his plate with his fork, while gesturing Donghun to resume his explanation.

“Well, that’s all.” Donghun said and Byeongkwan’s face fell from disappointment.

“And here I thought you had some interesting story.” He mumbled to himself, while stuffing his mouth with food. Suddenly feeling very disinterested in his friend’s story.

“That’s not all. There was the other guy too.” Junhee nudged Donghun in the ribs with his elbow and the older boy winced.

“Oh, yes. And there was the other guy.” Donghun added simply and both, Junhee and Byeongkwan, had to resist the urge of punching him.

“Very exciting Hun.” Junhee mumbled and straightened up in his seat. “While the guy I bumped onto was a cutie, the other guy was hot. You know, your kind of hot.” Junhee wiggled his brows and Byeongkwan gave him a look in response.

“My kind of hot?” His interest came back as fast as it had left.

“Totally.” Junhee nodded enthusiastically.

“Is that tru,e Hun?” Byeongkwan asked the other male, who seemed disinterested in their exchange.

“Does it matter? They must be kilometers away from here right now.” Donghun said and the other boys’ faces fell.

“I don’t know why you are with him.” Byeongkwan told Junhee, who almost choked on his food.

“Last time you said you didn’t know why he was with me.” Junhee pointed his fork at him accusingly and Byeongkwan flash his friend a guilty, awkward smile.

“Oh, did I?”

“Yes, you did.”

 

**Chapter Six**

 

“I don’t think I can fix it.” Sehyoon said as he closed their car’s hood with loud thud and turned to Yuchan, who was sitting on the driver seat, legs dangling out of the car and swaying back and forth.

“You said we’d leave it behind, so it doesn’t matter.” Yuchan said as he stopped fiddling with his fingers and looked up at his brother, who looked frustrated and tired.

“I did say it, but I didn’t mean it here. There’s no one out here and we need to get out.” Sehyoon run his hand over his hair and leaned on the car.

“Someone will come at some point. Don’t worry.” Yuchan tried to reassure his older brother, who gave him a thankful smile in response.

“Thanks for being always so positive, Channie.” Sehyoon leaned over to pat him on the head and younger grinned back at him. it didn’t reach his ears like it used to, but it gave Sehyoon hope. “We wait, then?” He asked and Yuchan nodded.

“We wait.”

 

*******

 

“Sehyoon?! Sehyoon, wake up. There’s a car coming this way.” Sehyoon jolted awake at his brother’s voice. He was disoriented from sleep, but immediately jumped down from the car.

“Sorry I fell asleep.” He told younger, who nudged him on the shoulder and dragged him on the road.

“You better get us some help.” Yuchan tried to sound threatening. Sehyoon couldn’t help but smile at his childish attempt. “I.. I should get my jacket.” Yuchan whispered and disappeared in the car.

Sehyoon’s smile fell at his brother’s words. It hurted him so much to hear such words leaving his brother's lips, but he couldn’t do anything right now. He promised himself that he would some day, but as for now, he was powerless.

He forced himself to push such thoughts away and turned his attention back on the approaching car.

 

*******

 

“Oh my god! Hunnie!” Junhee shrieked and the other occupants of the car immediately tensed up.

“What the hell Jun?!” Donghun turned over to glare at his obnoxious boyfriend. He finally managed to fell asleep just a minute ago and Junhee had to wail in his ear.

“It’s the guy!” He pointed Donghun to the road ahead of them and his boyfriend immediately turned back, almost cracking his spine in process.

“Ow.” He groaned, while trying to distinguish the man standing on the roadside. “Yeah, I think it’s him.”

“What’s he doing?” Junhee asked and Byeongkwan wanted to throw him out of the car.

“Praying. What do you think Jun?” He bit at his best friend, who pouted at him. “Well, you guys weren’t lying. He seems to be my kind of hot.” Byeongkwan said as he slowed down the car and pulled over the side, just few metres behind the other man’s car.

“Wait. Why did we stop?” Donghun asked, but his boyfriend and best friend were already out of the car.

“We can’t deny help to such gorgeous man.” Byeongkwan said before slamming the door closed. Donghun wanted to argue but his boyfriend and best friend were already walking over to the guy.

He quickly got out of the car to follow them. He couldn’t explain why, but his eyes automatically searched for the guy Junhee bumped onto earlier today, who emebrged from the backseat of the black car.

“Oh it’s you.” The boy said as soon as he took in the appearances of three newcomers.

“Ah, the boy that I run over.” Junhee said enthusiastically, while trying so hard to sound surprised. As if he hadn’t been overly excited about coming acroos them again few minutes ago.

Byeongkwan gave Junhee an annoyed look while walking up to the other guy that he and Junhee deemed to be ‘his type of hot’.

“You guys need some help?” Byeongkwan asked and Donghun was sure his best friend turned redder than tomatoe. because the way other male looked over him and run his eyes over Byeongkwan would make anyone flustered. Donghun wasn’t really sure what Byeongkwan’s kind of hot was, but the other man was hot for sure.

“We need a lift.” The guy replied simply and Donghun had to resist a laugh. Byeongkwan hated such kind of answers. He always said that they left nothing for conversation.

“Sure, to where?” Byeongkwan tried again.

“Where are you going?” The other man asked back.

Donghun wanted to keep up with their conversation, but his eyes drifted back to the other guy, the cute one, who avoided Junhee’s cheerful chit-chat and almost hide himself behind the ‘hot’ guy. Junhee must have scared him for life. He gave his discouraged boyfriend, who came to him with pout adorning his face, encouraging, gentle smile and Junhee linked arms with him.

“Wanna bet Kwannie is going to embarrass himself in front of the guy?” Junhee whispered and Donghun couldn’t help, but laugh, which caused three pair of eyes to focus their attention on them.

“Sorry.” Donghun held his hands up and gestured Byeongkwan to resume his conversation.

“So these guys wanna come along until anywhere. You guys okay with that?” Byeongkwan asked them, but his friends only gave him confused look in response.

“Until anywhere?” Donghun asked and Byeongkwan nodded.

“They don’t have fixed destination. They will get off just somewhere along the way.” Byeongkwan explain and the man behind him nodded in approval.

“What about their car?” Donghun gave Byeongkwan a questioning look. He found it suspicious.

“We don’t need it. We wanted to get rid of it long ago.” The guy answered instead of Byeongkwan and Donghun’s attention shifted on him.

“That’s a bit suspicious, don’t you think?” Donghun asked and the man nodded.

“I understand, but we mean no harm. We’ll just tag along and get off somewhere. You guys won’t know we are here. We just wanna go a bit far from here.”

“Sure, but we need to discuss for a bit.” Donghun said and beckoned Byeongkwan to him and Junhee. “Let’s talk in the car.” he said and the others followed him silently. “I don’t think we’d take them.” He said and two pair of eyes glared at him.

“What? Why? They look harmless. C’mon you don’t think that they’re some serial killers or anything, do you?” Byeongkwan said with a grin.

“I don’t know about serial killers, but they look trouble.”

“C’mon Hun.” Junhee laughed at his reason and patted him on the cheek.

“I’m serious guys. Why would they want to get rid of such good car, if they aren’t running away from trouble then?”

“Because it needs to be fixed and it takes time, but they want to get faster to wherever they are going.” Junhee tried to reason and Donghun wanted to smack him in the head.

“They don’t even know where they’re going.”

“C’mon Donghun they’re just lost guys. They need help and we gonna give it to them.” Byeongkwan said in a firm voice and Donghun wanted to smack some sense in him.

“You’re only saying that because the guy is hot.” He sounded annoyed, which he was, but they chose to ignore it.

“Look, if we notice something suspicious we’ll leave them, okay?” Byeongkwan gave him few seconds to think, before slipping out of the car. “Hey you guys. Get your things, we’ve a lot to cover.” He called out and both of the males disappeared inside their car.

 

**Chapter Seven**

 

Sehyoon was squished between Yuchan and Junhee guy on the backseat of some stranger's car. He didn’t feel comfortable about tagging along with them, but he had no other choice. He needed to get Yuchan far away from here. The guy beside him had been talking non-stop since they got in the car and Sehyoon was already regretting his decisions. He wasn’t on the mood of talking, he never was, but this guy was really tiring him out. He was interested in anything and everything.

“We’d do the introductions.” The guy said and Yuchan turned in his seat, so he was facing the guy. “I’m Junhee, this guy on the passenger seat is my boyfriend Donghun and that blond over there is Byeongkwan.” He pointed to the other two men in front. His boyfriend, Donghun turned over his seat, so he could give them a smile. He looked nice and calm. Sehyoon found him likeable. “So who are you guys?” Junhee asked them, full of enthusiasm. Sehyoon glanced at Yuchan, who had a small smile adorning his face. He didn’t like the Junhee guy that much, but he had positive effect on his younger brother, so Sehyoon would put up with him.

“I’m Yuchan.” Younger boy gestured to himself. “But I prefer Chan. This is my older brother, Sehyoon.” Yuchan put his hand on Sehyoon’s shoulder, in attempt of giving him some comfort. Sehyoon gave him a thankful smile. Even though, he’d be the one giving support to Yuchan, the other boy was always beside him to hold him up. Sometimes he felt like the younger one, because even though Yuchan looked younger and bubbly, he was the one comforting Sehyoon everytime.

“Oh, you guys are brothers.” Junhee said as a matter of fact and Yuchan nodded in response. “How old are you two?”

“I’m turning 19 in December.” Yuchan answered and Sehyoon was so thankful of it, he was thankful that Yuchan still had enthusiasm and desire to socialize and make friends with other people. “Sehyoon will turn 21 soon.”

“So we’re around the same age.” Byeongkwan glanced at Sehyoon from the rearview mirror. Sehyoon meet his eyes, but didn’t hold his gaze for long.

“Same with us, but we already turned 21 this year.” Junhee added and Donghun nodded his head in agreement. “So, what do you guys do?” Just as the question slipped out of Junhee's lips, the atmosphere tensed up in the car. None of the brothers knew what to say.

“We.. We do nothing..” In the end, it was Yuchan who whispered quietly and the atmosphere died down with his voice.

Sehyoon could see how everyone glanced around at each other, trying to come up with something to say, but in the end, they decided to end their conversation here and everyone quietly moved onto doing something else. Yuchan rested his head on Sehyoon’s shoulder and closed his eyes. Older mslr glanced down at him and slowly patted him on the head, trying to give him some comfort. Maybe he couldn’t make Yuchan’s dreams come true right now, but he sweared some day he would. Yuchan would study at music school and he’d be the singer he wanted to become since he was 4 years old.

The atmosphere in the car was awkward, but Sehyoon didn’t mind it much, he liked it better than holding conversations. He never know what to talk about, he didn’t know how to make a casual conversation and he didn’t try to. Instead he was concentrating on Yuchan’s breathing that evened out few minutes later as younger boy fell deeper into his slumber.

Sehyoon felt someone’s gaze on him and he looked up only to meet eyes with byeongkwan, who was gazing at him through the mirror. He gave him a silent, questioning look and the other male averted his eyes. Sehyoon could feel Junhee fidgeting beside him. It must have been extremely uncomfortable for him to be so silent, especially with two strangers beside him. He tried to come up with something to say, but his mind was blank, the only thought he had was that he needed to find some place better for Yuchan and himself.

 

*******

 

Sehyoon couldn’t remember when he fell asleep, probably because he was overstressed and fatigued. Yuchan’s gentle voice brought him back to the real world. His brother was talking to someone, his voice sounded full of excitement. Sehyoon wanted to open his eyes and see what kind of expression adorned his younger brother's face, but he didn’t want to disturb him. He settled down with listening to what Yuchan was conversing about with others.

It didn’t took him a while to figure out that they were talking about music. The voice, that was coming from his side, was explaining how music arrangements was made to Yuchan, who was asking more and more questions in response. Sometimes someone from the front would join in, he would make Junhee’s explanations easier for Yuchan to understand and would get him an excited yelp from the younger male. Sehyoon found their back and forth conversation relaxing, he felt like he could sit and listen to it forever. He wondered how long he slept for Yuchan to already found something in common with everyone and built comfortable dialogue over it. Listening to his brother’s voice healed some wounds in Sehyoon’s heart, because he realized that even though Yuchan had gone a lot since their parents passed away, nothing had managed to break younger's will to live, his desire to bring happiness not only for himself but for others, his desire to do something in the world, his desire to be happy, to live, to carry on. Sehyoon was thankful and happy, but at the same time pained and ashamed that he couldn’t say the same about himself, that he has had let cruelty of the world break him and tear his will to be happy apart. But as for now, for Kim Sehyoon his happiness didn’t matter, what mattered was Yuchan to be happy, to be free and to be living his life as he always wished for. And Sehyoon was going to grant him his wishes no matter what or how long it took.

He opened his eyes slowly, didn’t want to distract others’ from their conversation. He was surprised by sudden darkness. It wasn’t completely dark, but it wasn’t the day time anymore. He assumed that he slept for several hours. He blinked for a few times and when he opened them again, he locked them with Byeongkwan’s who had noticed sudden changes in his motions. Their connection didn’t last long, because Yuchan caught on just as fast.

“sehyoon.” Younger said in a small voice, as if he was trying to not wake him up. “Did we wake you up?” Yuchan asked, hint of guiltiness visible in his voice.

“No, You didn’t. I’ve slept enough.” Sehyoon gave him a reassuring smile and patted him on the head. Younger smiled back at him, his smile was wider than usual and Sehyoon felt like he was still dreaming, because just in a few hours, as he slept, some strangers managed to bring wider smile on his younger brother’s face. He felt good for seeing Yuchan’s smile, but he felt guiltier that it wasn’t him making him smile like he used to.

“Now that you’re awake. We’ll be having dinner in a restaurant on the way before resuming the ride. Our final destination for today is 2 hours away from there. You alright with that?” Byeongkwan asked him and Sehyoon shifted his gaze from Yuchan to him.

“Yea, we’re alright.” He looked at Yuchan for approval and younger gave him an eager nod.

“Cool.” Byeongkwan mumbled and turned his gaze back on the road.

“Sehyoon, did you know that Junhee and Donghun are in a band?” Yuchan asked him, voice full of excitement. It caught Sehyoon off guard. His brother sounded like he has known others for weeks and not merely some hours.

“I didn’t or I’d have told you first.” He tried to sound as amused as possible. His answer brought loud laughter out of Yuchan and Junhee, while Byeongkwan snorted and Donghun, who was turned over in his seat, gave him a kind smile.

“Ooooh, right.” Yuchan said and snuggled closer to him. “They’re just taking a break for this year.”

“They do?” He asked, trying his best to sound interested.

“Hmm.” Yuchan nodded and Sehyoon was scared he would break his neck. He hasn’t seen Yuchan this excited since his 8th birthday.

“We’ve a free place for a guitarist.” Junhee added and Sehyoon turned his gaze on him. “He ditched us for his girlfriend, so now we’re taking a break. He gave us a bit of a shock.” Junhee’s expression turned dark. “But we’ll find someone better and get our guys back together, right Hun?” He turned to his boyfriend, who gave him a nod and an encouraging smile.

“Chan said he can sing.” Donghun trained his eyes on Yuchan, who hung his head low.

“He can. He sings well.” Sehyoon said and patted his younger brother on the head to give him some courage.

“You should sing for us, Channie.” Junhee clasped his hands together, gleeful and Yuchan’s head immediately shot up at his words, eyes wide.

“No, I can’t.” He shook his head. Sehyoon wondered where ‘Channie’ came from. He hadn’t heard someone call his brother Channie except their mom and Sehyoon himself.

“I’m sure you can.” Junhee pried. He had determind look on his face. He reminded Sehyoon of their mother, who was so persistent when she wanted to show off her kids. Memories of her made him want to cry, but he couldn’t, not in front of Yuchan and definitely not in front of those three almost strangers.

“You’re making him uncomfortable Jun. He’ll sing when he’s ready. Right Chan?” Donghun said softly and Yuchan gave him a nod.

“I will.” He promised and Donghun reached over to give him a pat on the head.

“Maybe if you learn how to play a guitar, you can fill in our free place.” Junhee suggested enthusiastically and three pair of heads shot up to his direction. “What? I’m just suggesting.” He said innocently and held his hands up.

“That’s not a very bad idea tho.” Donghun smiled at Yuchan, whose eyes looked ready to bulge out of its sockets.

“Will you teach me?” Yuchan asked, as he looked from Junhee to Sehyoon to Donghun and back to Junhee again.

“Why not.” Donghun flashed him one of his kind smiles and Yuchan’s face broke into a wide, blinding grin.

“Thank you, Hun.” Yuchan leaned forward in his seat and tried to hug the other male from their awkward sitting positions.

Everyone fell silent for a few minutes, until Yuchan broke it himself.

“Sehyoon.”

“What is it, Chan?”

“Can we buy a guitar?” Sehyoon wanted to laugh at that, but he couldn’t. because he felt like his brother was pushing his hopes far too high. Because those guys were just some strangers, who just happened to cross their road and who would be gone just as fast as they came.

“We can.” He promised, even though he wanted to pull Yuchan aside and tell him that whatever he was thinking of would be impossible to happen. But he didn’t have a heart to do so. He couldn’t take away that small hope that started to thrive in Yuchan.

 

**Chapter Eight**

 

“Ah, I’m so tired.” Byeongkwan complained as they left the restaurant and walked off to his car.

“I’ll take over the wheel for you.” He didn’t expect Sehyoon to caught up to him and suggest it, but he was so tired, he couldn’t decline such request.

“Sure, thanks.” He tossed the other male his keys, who caught them effortlessly and got in the driver’s seat. “Hun, you will be sitting back this time.” Byeongkwan called out to his best friend, who was walking a bit behind with Junhee and Yuchan.

“Why?” Donghun asked, but he didn’t look disappointed about their sitting rearrangements.

“He is taking over the wheel.” He pointed to the car, where Sehyoon was already starting the engine. He couldn’t hear Donghun’s answer as he got on the passenger seat. “Treat him well.” He grinned at the other male, who gave him a questioning look. “My car, I mean.” He gently patted the door.

“I got it the first time.” Sehyoon said quietly as he looked out of the window, trying to avoid Byeongkwan's eyes.

The remaining three got on their seats few seconds later and Sehyoon drove them out of the parking lot.

“Do you guys want to know our plans for tomorrow? You will join in right?” Junhee asked as he got himself comfortable on Donghun’s shoulder, who was playing with his boyfriend's hair.

“Sehyoon, will we?” Yuchan asked him and Sehyoon glanced at his younger brother through the mirror.

“You want to?”

“I do.” Younger gave him an eager nod and Sehyoon couldn’t say no, even if he wanted to.

“Then we will.” He nodded in approval and Yuchan gave him a thumbs up in response.

Sehyoon felt strange at his brother’s actions, but in a good way. These two were bringing out brighter side of his younger brother, which also worried him greatly, because when the day would come, which would come soon, Yuchan would have to say goodbye to his newly aquired friends. They couldn’t risk coming back to the city they were running away from and the other three wouldn’t always be on the road. He didn’t want his brother to hurt when the day would come. He couldn't afford breaking Yuchan further than younger already was.

Junhee started listing down every place he wanted to see in the city they would be in the next two hours. Sehyoon tried to keep up, but got lost in his thoughts after the first 10 places.

Few minutes later, when Junhee finally finished his endless list of places, the conversation died down and Donghun leaned forward to turn on some music. Few seconds later, car was filled with soothing, calm sounds and everyone was getting lost in their own wonderlands. The last thing Sehyoon could pay attention was Junhee telling Yuchan that it was one of their songs.

Sehyoon found the song comforting and peaceful, his mind felt much lighter as he listened to the soothing voice spilling out of the speakers. He felt like the song was talking to him, trying to heal his wounds, to touch his deepest desires. He felt like the song was him, because things he couldn’t say or explain where filling the atmosphere around him, he felt like some of the heavy clouds where cleared out from his chest. 

The song ended and he wanted to turn it back again, he wanted to listen to it as much as he could. He reached over to change it back, but his hand brushed over someone’s and he immediately snatched it back like he had been burnt.

“Sorry.” Byeongkwan mumbled quietly as he changed music back to the previous song. Sehyoon glanced at him, but didn’t say anything in return. He just wanted to enjoy the silence.

The song ended once more and he glanced at the player. He didn’t know if it was okay to change it back again.

“You can put it on repeat.” He heard Byeongkwan say. “I’m sure they don’t mind.”

Sehyoon glanced at the other three on the backseat. They’ve been awfully quiet, which wasn’t like them at all. The sight surprised him a bit. They were sleeping peacefully. Yuchan had his head rested on Donghun’s shoulder, whose head was resting on top of Yuchan's. The older male had his hand wrapped around soundlessly sleeping Junhee, whose head was resting against his boyfriend's chest. The sight was truly surprising to Sehyoon. He wondered what kind of calming effect Donghun and Junhee had on his brother. He didn’t expect Yuchan to get that comfortable around some strangers just in a few hours after everything he had gone through, but he looked peaceful as if he had no care in the world. Sehyoon couldn’t recall the last time he saw his younger brother sleep like that, frown erased between his eyebrows, soft smile resting on his lips. The tears were choking him and he’d have cried if Byeongkwan hadn’t been there.

“He seems to like them a lot.” He gestured at the sleeping men behind them and Sehyoon glanced at him.

“Should I be happy about that?” He asked, but it was directed more to himself than to Byeongkwan.

“You should be. They’re good people.” Byeongkwan gave him a smile and Sehyoon averted his eyes from the other's face, keeping them firm on the road.

“That doesn’t mean good people won’t hurt you.” Sehyoon whispered, words slipping out of his lips without his consent. Byeongkwan’s smile changed, it looked rather sad.

“Are you running away from good people?” The other male asked and Sehyoon almost lost his grip on the wheel. He didn’t expect such question from Byeongkwan of all people. He wanted to deny the accusation, but he couldn’t, so he let the question hung in the air between them.

 

**Chapter Nine**

 

Sehyoon sat down on the bed as he watched still sleepy Yuchan fiddle around with his bag. He and Byeongkwan had to wake up their friends, because they were still deep in their slumber when they arrived at the hotel.

“Do you want to take a shower first?” He asked the younger, who gave him a confused look, before slowly shaking his head.

“I.. I will shower in the morning. I want to sleep now.” Yuchan replied as he sat down on the bed and took his sneakers off.

“Okay. Do you need anything?” Sehyoon got up from his side of the bed and sat down beside his brother, who shook his head in response. “I’ll take a shower then.” He gave Yuchan a kiss on the head as he collected some of his stuff and disappeared in the bathroom.

His body burned with ache as soon as he got under the water. His muscles were tense and his legs swollen. He really needed the shower. It was warm and comforting.

As much as he wanted to stay under the hot water for hours, he couldn’t leave Yuchan alone for so long, in case something unpredictable happened. When he got out of the bathroom, younger boy was already sleeping soundlessly, he was curled up on the bed, hugging his legs tightly. Sehyoon took in his appearance, his jacket was gone and he was wearing shorts. It was hard for him to see his younger brother look so broken like that, his skin bruised, his whole body covered with angry, brownish spots. Anger and guilt choked him, but he couldn’t do anything. What happened couldn’t be changed, he could only change what laid ahead in their future. His heart broke more than it has healed today as he got closer to the sleeping younger. He gently covered him with blankets and placed a kiss on his head.

“Good night, Channie.”

 

*******

 

Byeongkwan couldn’t sleep. No matter how much he tossed and turned, he just couldn’t find the right position. His mind kept drifting to the mysterious brothers. He couldn’t simply shake off thoughts of them. Who were they, where did they come from, where did they were trying to go, what happened to them, what were they running away from. He kept asking himself such questions and it frustrated him to a great extent that he couldn’t place answer to any of them. So he made it his job to have answers to all of his questions before the mysterious boys were gone.

 

**Chapter Ten**

 

Sehyoon couldn’t force himself to sleep until sun started to rise high on the sky. He went to bed fatigued and sleep deprived, but as soon as his head hit the pillow, his sleepiness disappeared. All the things he had pushed back in his mind, hit him all together. He still couldn’t believe that he finally found the courage to take Yuchan and flee their uncle’s home. He still couldn’t believe that he finally managed to set them free. He was scared of consequences his actions could cause, he was scared of not being able to keeping his promises with Yuchan, he was scared of not being good enough of pillar for his younger brother to lean on, he was scared of not being able to fully heal Yuchan’s wounds, he was scared and worried about everything and anything, but at least, he reassured himself, that they were free and whatever trouble may come along the way, they’d manage to overcome it together. As long as he had Yuchan and Yuchan had him, he believed that they could survive in this world, even though he had lost the desire of survival long ago, he couldn’t give up for Yuchan, he wouldn’t give up for Yuchan, because it was his responsibility to keep him safe and happy, he had made that promise to their mother and he would keep it no matter what it took, because he was the only hope Yuchan had and Yuchan was the only precious thing left in his life. He would survive for his brother’s sake, he would survive to see his brother being happy with his life.

When he finally managed to fall asleep, it didn’t last long. Soft knock on the door of their hotel room was enough to jolt both brothers awake from their deep slumbers.

“Sehyoon..” Yuchan started, expression lost and scared.

“Don’t worry. I’ll check it.” He hurriedly got up from the bed and made his way to the door. “Who is it?” He asked.

“It’s Junhee. Just came by to tell you that we will be meeting in 30 minutes in the lobby. You guys still coming right?” Came already familiar and cheerful voice from the other side. Sehyoon let go of the breath, he didn't know he was holding.

He cracked the door open and was greeted by the sight of widely smiling Junhee.

“Good morning.” The other male greeted him.

“Good morning.” Sehyoon nodded in return. “We’ll meet you there in 30.” He agreed and Junhee flashed him a satisfied smile.

“Okay. Good.” He gave him a thumbs up before skipping down the hall.

Sehyoon closed the door quietly and walked over to his younger brother, who was still rubbing sleep from his eyes.

“You still want to go tour around the city?” He asked and received an eager nod in return. “Okay. Go take a shower then, we only have 30 minutes.” Sehyoon helped Yuchan out of the bed, his eyes looking anywhere, but his brother’s outstretched arms.

 

*******

 

When Sehyoon and Yuchan went down to the lobby, the other three males where already waiting for them here. They looked like real tourists with their attires. Sehyoon couldn’t help but run his eyes over them. They looked like people straight out of some fancy adventure movie.

Yuchan immediately brightened up at the sight of his newly acquired friends. “Good morning.” He skipped over to them and received wide smiles in return.

“Good morning, Chan. Did you get a good rest?” Donghun asked as he lead the way out of the hotel.

“I did. How about you guys?”

“So did we.” Junhee grinned. “Did I wake you guys up earlier?” Yuchan nodded and Junhee reached over to pat him in the head. “Sorry for that.”

“C’mon hurry up. I’m starved.” Byeongkwan grumbled as he fumbled with his car keys.

Sehyoon wasn’t feeling hungry at all. He was tired and didn’t want to leave his hotel room, but he couldn’t let Yuchan go alone with three almost strangers in an unfamiliar city no matter how kind they looked. He was about to get on the backseat of Byeongkwan’s car, but Donghun didn’t let him.

“You can take passenger seat if you want.” The other male said and Sehyoon gave him a questioning look. “I know Junhee can be tiring.” He added and Sehyoon understood what he was implying. He must have noticed how uncomfortable Sehyoon looked because of his boyfriend’s endless questions.

“Thanks.” He mumbled quietly and rounded the car. Byeongkwan gave him a stare when he opened the door and locked eyes with him, but Sehyoon chose to ignore him.

“So Junhee lead the way.” Byeongkwan said when everyone settled down in their seats.

“Oh, you have been there before?” Yuchan asked as he shifted in his seat to face Junhee.

“Nope, but you can always learn.” He shook his phone in front of Yuchan before giving directions to his best friend.

Everyone was quiet for the whole ride, except Junhee giving directions to Byeongkwan, but Sehyoon didn’t mind it. He liked the quiet much better. He would glance at Yuchan through the mirror from time to time, keeping his brother’s condition in check. Donghun was telling him something in a hushed voice, so Sehyoon couldn’t hear what they were talking about, but considering the way his younger brother was listening it must have been something related to music. Only music could get Yuchan so still and silent. He noticed how his brother was looking at Donghun, as if older male was the sun and he was the sunflower that needed his attention to bloom.

Heavy sigh escaped Sehyoon's lips, which earned him a glance from Byeongkwan. It was making him uncomfortable how aware of his presence Byeongkwan was. Even if he was busy paying attention on the road, he could still sense even the smallest changes in Sehyoon's movements. He found it strange, but he was too tired to dwell onto it.

 

*******

 

“Wooah, this is so pretty.” Yuchan wooed as soon as he stepped inside a small café, Junhee brought them to.

“It is, isn’t it?” Junhee gave him an enthusiastic smile and Yuchan nodded eagerly in return.

Byeongkwan wasn’t huge fan of such aesthetic things junhee was going for, but he also found the café kind of lovely. It was quiet, painted in bright colors and full of potted flowers.

“Let’s seat near the window. You need to see the view.” Junhee dragged Yuchan and Donghun towards the nearest table to the window.

“Oooh.” Yuchan gaped at the sight and Junhee clasped his hands together in extreme satisfaction.

“I know right.” He patted younger boy on the shoulder before moving around the café. “We can take pictures, right?” He asked the waitress, standing near the counter, who gave him a small nod and a kind smile. There weren’t many people in the café, so Junhee started snapping pictures of every single thing that was capturable on the camera.

Byeongkwan looked out of the window, curious about the view that amazed his best friends. The sight was beautiful. The café was looking over the river, which looked angry and furious. He could sit there and watch it slam against the rocks for days.

“Junhee stop it. You’re making people uncomfortable.” Donghun hissed at his boyfriend as he pulled him down beside him. “What do you guys want to eat?” He turned to the others. Yuchan was already looking through the menu, Sehyoon was sitting awkwardly next to his younger brother. Byeongkwan took a sit beside him and noticed how the other male’s eyes lingered on him for a few seconds, before turning his attention back to his brother. Byeongkwan smiled to himself, before dragging his chair closer to Sehyoon's. He mentally thanked Junhee for choosing a café that had round tables.

 

*******

 

Yuchan skipped down the road beside Junhee. They had visited three places so far and all of them had left deep impression on the young led, his enthusiasm was rising at every step he took.

“Oh. Do you still want to learn how to play guitar?” Junhee suddenly came to a halt, which made Donghun who was walking behind his boyfriend crush onto his back. Yuchan also stopped on his tracks to face his newly acquired friend with curiousity. He liked Junhee so much, the other male was energetic, cheerful, positive, knew a lot about music, had a beautiful voice and was full of surprises and amazing ideas. Yuchan couldn’t stop being amazed by him. He couldn’t wait to hear what Junhee had to say.

“I.. I do.” He replied with an eager nod.

“Then we should buy you a guitar.” Junhee clasped his hands together and flashed him a wide, confident grin.

“Re.. Really? But where?” Yuchan stuttered out, feeling overly excited at the other man’s words.

“Over there.” Junhee pointed at the corner in the end of the street. “Let’s go.” Before anyone got to say anything in response, he took Yuchan’s and Donghun’s hands and dragged them towards the store.

Yuchan glanced back at Sehyoon, who was walking beside Byeongkwan behind them. His older brother was giving them a curious look, but Yuchan couldn’t determine if it was good or bad. Sehyoon looked a bit annoyed, but he didn’t protest to Junhee’s propositions. When he caught Yuchan’s eyes, Sehyoon gave him a small smile, while nodding towards the shop. It gave younger male well needed bust of confidence. Sehyoon wasn’t against him buying the guitar. He grinned at his older brother and let himself be dragged by an overly excited Junhee and complaining Donghun.

 

*******

 

When they returned to their hotel, everyone was exhausted, except Yuchan and Junhee, who were still going about events that took place today. They couldn’t stop talking about the same places all over again, which took away more energy from the other three males. Sehyoon’s ears were ringing from all the noise, Byeongkwan felt like he was being brainwashed and Donghun was softly smiling at his boyfriend and Yuchan, while complaining about his aching muscules from time to time. Junhee had insisted that they walk around the city to enjoy the sunshine, atmosphere and the sights better, instead of sitting in the car, which Byeongkwan tried to decline, but it wasn’t easy to win against Junhee, especially now when he had Yuchan to back him up.

Yuchan was hugging his newly acquired guitar in his arms tightly. He looked like a kid, who was afraid of his favourite toy being snatched away from his arms. He had wide grin plastered on his face and looked like he was out of the earth. He kept saying how he couldn’t wait for his very first class with Junhee and Donghun. He couldn’t sit still when they were having dinner. His enthusiasm was giving more energy to Junhee, while the other three sat in silence and listened to them go on forever about their upcoming class.

When two brothers were left alone in their own hotel room, Yuchan still couldn’t calm down. Sehyoon’s head was about to explode and he wanted to ask his younger brother to contain his excitement a little bit, but he didn’t have a heart to do so. Instead he sat down on their bed and quietly observed Yuchan. He was sitting on the floor, guitar pressed on his chest, staring in the distance with wide grin plastered on his face. He would let out an excited whistle from time to time. Sehyoon couldn’t help, but softly smile at the sight. They had known the others for less than 2 days, but with Yuchan it felt like they’ve known each other for years. Everything they did matched together so naturally. It was something Sehyoon couldn’t explain, but he was glad Yuchan was getting distracted from their past and their current worries. He was glad Yuchan was trying his best to move on, to make friends and to continue fighting for his childhood dreams.

Sehyoon startled, when Yuchan suddenly jumped to his feet and started looking around frantically.

“Why? What’s is it, Channie?” Sehyoon heard his voice shake.

“My phone. I need my phone.” Younger explained as he gently laid his guitar case down on the bed and started going through his bag.

“I put it in your jacket. The one you wore yesterday.” Sehyoon explained. “It’s better to not use them right now. They could be tracked.”

Younger’s face fell at Sehyoon’s words, but he couldn’t do anything about it. He was powerless once again. He felt himself getting frustrated at his brother’s grim expression. He tried to push bad thoughts away as he rose up to his feet to pat younger on the head in desperate try of comforting him.

“Tomorrow. I promise I’ll get you a new one tomorrow.” He promised and it took half a second for Yuchan to register his words and break into a wide smile.

“Okay. It’s okay. I can wait.” He nodded at his own words and opened his arms for his older brother in an invitation for a hug. Sehyoon gave him a thankful smile and pulled younger male in a tight embrace.

An hour later, they were both in bed. Sehyoon was staring at Yuchan’s back, mind wondering somewhere far from their quiet hotel room. He thought younger was asleep, when suddenly Yuchan turned over to face him, dreamy smile playing on his lips.

“Sehyoon.” He started quietly.

“What is it, Chan?” Sehyoon's answer was just as quiet.

“Do you think Donghun and Junhee will take me as their guitarist if I learn how to play well?” Yuchan said, his voice getting lower by each word.

Sehyoon didn’t expect such question and didn’t know what to say. He wanted to tell Yuchan yes, but he also didn’t want to give the boy false hopes. He was torn between saying the truth and making Yuchan feel better.

“Sehyoon.” Yuchan repeated after a while, pulling Sehyoon out of his train of thoughts.

“But didn’t you want to be a singer?” Older started off carefully.

“I still will be able to sing.” Younger replied and Sehyoon could see sparkles returning in his eyes. He knew that, he just didn’t want to answer his younger brother’s question right now. He didn’t have an answer for him at that moment and he knew he would never have. “Sehyoon.” Yuchan said, voice slightly above than a whisper.

“I.. I think..” Sehyoon started off, stumbling on his own words, while trying to find the right ones. “I.. I think they will.” He finally managed to go through his sentence. His heart was aching, his mind was screaming at him to stop breaking his own brother.

“Really?” Yuchan beamed, satisfied with older male's answer.

“Really.” He confirmed.

Yuchan snuggled closer to him and slipped his hand into Sehyoon’s.

“It’s been a while, hasn’t it?” Younger whispered as he laid his head on Sehyoon’s arm.

“It has.” He planted a soft kiss on Yuchan’s head. Grip tightening protectively around his brother.

 

**Chapter Eleven**

 

They left the city early in the morning, after they all had breakfast in the small street café, Junhee found yesterday through their little tour.

Sitting arrangements were the same as the last time. Sehyoon was sitting beside Byeongkwan on the passenger seat, while the other three went on their usual bantering on the backseat. Sehyoon noticed how Byeongkwan kept rolling his eyes throughout the whole ride. He must have been exhausted from all the music related talk.

“What do you do?” Sehyoon asked before his mind registered what he was doing. Byeongkwan shot him a glance. Sehyoon was shocked by his own sudden outburst.

“Are you talking to me?” Byeongkwan grinned, eyes still trained on the road.

“Seems so.” Sehyoon clarified.

“Why so suddenly?” He could hear hint of interest and teasing in the other male’s tone.

“Just forget it then.” Sehyoon mumbled and looked out of the window. The road looked deserted, but the sight was beautiful, it was all green, peaceful, quiet.

“I’m a professional choreographer.” Byeongkwan said, just when Sehyoon thought he wouldn’t answer.

“A dance choreographer?” Sehyoon turned his attention to Byeongkwan, his body shifting in the seat.

“Yeah. Why, do I not look like one?” Byeongkwan was grinning from ear to ear. It annoyed Sehyoon.

He shrugged it off and turned back to the window.

“Yah! You don’t just get to ignore me.” Byeongkwan grumbled at his sudden disinterest. Small, unconscious smile found it’s way on Sehyoon’s lips.

“I do.” He said in response. Byeongkwan huffed. It was Sehyoon’s turn to tease him.

 

*******

 

They stopped at the gas station few hours later. They had been on the road for almost three hours and there hadn’t been any sign of civilization until now. Everyone hurriedly got out of the car to stretch their legs. Yuchan immediately bounded up to Sehyoon, grinning widely. He and the other two had been talking non-stop for three hours. Sehyoon wondered how it was possible to hold conversation such a long time and how they didn’t get bored talking about the same topic all the time. He smiled back at younger, who clinged onto his arm.

“Sehyoon, do you know what Junhee said?” Yuchan asked. Sehyoon shook his head. “He said that if I muster up courage and sing for them he will consider taking me in his band.” Younger beamed at him. Sehyoon struggled to keep smile on his face.

“What about the guitarist position?” Sehyoon shifted his gaze on Junhee and Donghun who were discussing something with Byeongkwan very animatedly.

“He said that I’d learn it little by little in the process.” Yuchan said, squirming on his place, clinging onto Sehyoon like a little, overly excited child. Sehyoon wanted to hear his younger brother sing like he used to, but he didn’t want his younger brother to have his hopes high only to get disappointment in return. He made a promise to himself when they stepped out of their uncle’s house that he’d never let anyone hurt Yuchan ever again and he wasn’t keeping his promises right now.

When he finally found the right words and mustered up enough courage to tell Yuchan what he truly thought of the situation, Junhee interrupted them.

“Yah! Channie, I’m going to buy stuff for lunch later, you wanna come along?” He pointed younger to gas station's small market, while flashing them his 1 billion dollar smile.

“Of course. Sure.” Yuchan let go of Sehyoon’s arm, ready to skipp over the other male, but Sehyoon caught him with the hem of his t-shirt. “Sehyoon?” He turned to face his older brother with confused eyes.

“I.. You’d take some money.” Sehyoon explained as he fished some money out of his pocket and handed it to the younger.

“Oh. Right. Do you want anything?” Yuchan beamed again.

“Something cool to drink.” Sehyoon said. Yuchan nodded and run to where Junhee was waiting for him.

 

*******

 

They stopped near the small stream for lunch. There were two small benches and a small table beside it and it was much comfortable to eat there instead of the car. Junhee and yuchan brought food for everyone when they stopped at the gas station to fill their supply of petrol.

As soon as the car came to a halt, Yuchan was out of the car and running over the stream. He was splashing cool water on his face, while giggling to himself. Sehyoon opened his mouth to scold him, but Junhee gleed beside him and bounded over the stream to join the younger.

“They’re so cute.” Donghun pointed out with a soft smile on his face, snapping few pitures of them with Junhee's camera. Sehyoon glanced at him.

“Cute my ass. Did you mean annoying?” Byeongkwan grumbled as he walked over to them.

“What can I say. Different preferences.” Donghun grinned at Byeongkwan’s annoyed expression and took off hurriedly to join the other two.

“What about you, eh? What’s your preference?” Byeongkwan nudged Sehyoon on the side, bringing him back to the present.

“I don’t have any.” Sehyoon answered, taken aback by the sudden question. He had never really thought about his preferences. This was the last thing on his mind. He couldn’t care less about his preferences at this moment. He had much more important things to ponder his mind about.

“Ehhh? How come?” Byeongkwan gave him a weird look. Sehyoon started walking towards the others, ignoring the other male in process. “C’mon Sehyoon. Cute or sexy?” Byeongkwan run after him, not dropping the matter.

“I said I don’t have any.” Sehyoon repeated, annoyance prominent in his voice.

“are you perhaps an as..” Byeongkwan started, however he didn’t get to finish his sentence, because Junhee splashed water straight into his face. “Junhee what the hell?!” He shouted, ready to murder Junhee right on the spot.

Yuchan was giggling at them, crunching down near the stream and running his hand through water. Donghun was watching the scene with fond smile on his face. Sehyoon couldn’t help, but smirk at Byeongkwan’s expression. He was starting to annoy Sehyoon and got what he deserved for bothering him.

“I thought you needed it.” Junhee grinned.

In a blink, Byeongkwan was crunching over the stream and splashing water on Junhee’s face. Sehyoon had troubles keeping up with his movements. Few seconds later, intense water fight broke out between Junhee and Byeongkwan. Yuchan quietly retreated from the stream. Leaving the battle ground to the other two males. He skipped over Donghun and joined him on the bench. Sehyoon decided to step back to the car.

“You guys think it’s fun?” Junhee laughed as he caught Donghun’s and Yuchan’s grinning faces. “Kwan, how about we forget our hostility for a while and unite against the new enemy?” He flashed Byeongkwan a mischevious smile, who grinned back at him with just as much enthusiasm.

Few seconds later, two men fight turned into four men fight. Sehyoon quietly observed them from the distance. He couldn’t make out who was splashing water to who, the other four looked like a screaming mess of kids from afar. A soft smile found it’s place on his lips unconsciously. The sight in front of him was hilarious, but heartwarming. The others looked carefree, careless, wild and most importantly, happy. He felt pang in his heart, his mind already working on different scenarios of him being left behind, of him not being able to find happiness ever again in this life. He was so lost in his thoughts, he didn’t notice Byeongkwan creeping upon him with water in his cupped hands.

“Back to earth, Sehyoon.” Byeongkwan sing songed and before Sehyoon could register his words, cold water was running down on his face.

“What are you doing?” Sehyoon glared, drying his face with his t-shirt’s sleeves.

“What do you think?” Byeongkwan looked like his face would split into half the way he was grinning from ear to ear. Sehyoon had to regist the urge of punching it off his face. “You looked rather lonely by yourself there.”

“I was feeling much better before your appearance.” Sehyoon mumbled and walked past Byeongkwan, whose smile immediately disappeared from his face at the other male’s words.

“My bad then.” He grumbled, sending daggers in Sehyoon’s retreating back.

 

*******

 

They spent around two hours near the stream, eating lunch, enjoying the fresh air and calm atmosphere. Junhee asked Yuchan to get his guitar, so they could start their first lesson, which the younger boy did gleefully.

Everyone was sitting in silence, munching on their food or snacks, while Junhee and Yuchan set beside the stream and older male explained basics to the younger.

It took approximately 30 minutes for Yuchan to get all basics down. Everytime he got something right, he would let out an excited cheer, while Junhee would look at him like a proud teacher. Few minutes later Donghun joined in. He would explain things Yuchan had difficulty understanding in much simple terms. Sehyoon was sitting on the bench, hugging his legs to his chest, staring at the other three’s interations. But his gaze was unfocused, obvious that he was seeing through them, staring in the distance, mind wondering somewhere else, somewhere only he knew.

At first, Byeongkwan was focused on the lesson, but it started to get too boring and too schoolish for his liking, so his eyes started wondering around the place, before landing on the certain black haired male, who looked like he was physically present, but his mind was lost wondering somewhere.

He carefully took in the appearance of the other male. Sehyoon had slightly long hair, his bangs where parted in the middle, covering his eyes. He couldn’t clearly see his eyes, but he knew they were dark and beautiful, and soulless. He noticed, how there was merely any sparkle of life left in Sehyoon’s eyes when he first met them. Even when he was smiling, his eyes wouldn’t smile. And his smile. Byeongkwan noticed how hard Sehyoon was trying to maintain it for the sake of his younger brother. Byeongkwan may not be the greatest observer, especially when most of the time he had to observe from the side, but he noticed how everything Sehyoon did was forced and mechanical. Byeongkwan knew that it was an act put together for his younger brother. Sehyoon wasn’t great at acting, but he could fool someone who didn’t really try to look past his appearance. And there was also another mystery for Byeongkwan to solve. Both brothers always wore long sleeves, even though it was so hot outside and Byeongkwan himself could barely breath in his thin t-shirt. The other two always had long sleeves on. He didn’t understand why, he did came up with some ideas, but he didn’t want to speculate anything and he also didn’t want to pry. But he was curious and he was getting impatient to satisfy his curiosity. The more he observed Sehyoon, the more he realized that the other male was beautiful, but there was something off, something was missing. Staring Sehyoon felt like trying to find the missing puzzle peace. He knew something was off, but he couldn’t point out what part was missing.

 

*******

 

“I’ll take the wheel for you.” Sehyoon offered when they were getting in the car, energy restored and ready to continue on their journey.

“Are you sure?” Byeongkwan asked and Sehyoon arched his brows at him. “Okay. Thanks.” He tossed his car keys to the other male, who caught them and silently got in the car.

Everyone was quiet for a few minutes when they got back on the road, but Junhee’s patience quickly run out and he dragged the other two occupants of the backseat in their usual everlasting conversations.

Sehyoon was getting lost in his own thoughts, while keeping his gaze steady on the road. Byeongkwan couldn’t decide if he should engage with others or continue his staring session with Sehyoon. He tried to concentrate what the other three were talking about, only to find it boring and uninteresting. He decided that staring Sehyoon was much better decision, at least he would get to ponder his mind about all the mysteries the other male was hiding.

Byeongkwan couldn’t stop thinking that Sehyoon was beautiful. He found the other male absolutely breathtaking, but he knew that behind his beauty was hiding something not as beautiful, something ugly to face. And byeongkwan, to his surprise, desperately wanted to look behind the façade and confront what was hiding behind Sehyoon’s mesmerizing looks.

“It’s rude.” Soft voice suddenly pulled Byeongkwan out of his trace. He blinked for several times, before fixing his gaze on the other male.

“What?” He asked, a bit taken aback by Sehyoon's remark.

“Staring at people. It’s rude.” Sehyoon replied as a matter of fact. Byeongkwan couldn’t read anything behind his voice.

“I..I wasn’t..” Byeongkwan started, embarrassed by the other male’s remark. “I wasn’t staring.”

“Okay.” Sehyoon replied simply as he turned his attention back on the road.

“I was just thinking.” Byeongkwan said and glanced back at occupants of the backseat, who were busy discussing about something, not paying attention to anything else, except what the other had to say.

“So you were.” Sehyoon said. His tone annoyed Byeongkwan. He felt exposed. It was like the other male could understand his thoughts. He shifted in his seat to face Sehyoon, who was keeping his gaze firmly fixed on the road.

“You surely know how to end a conversation before it has even begun.” Byeongkwan mumbled. He disliked such kind of exchanges. He never knew what to say, even though he was usually very talkative.

“I’m very good at it.” Sehyoon said simply and Byeongkwan had to resist the urge of smacking him.

“Anything else you’re good at?” He asked, annoyance visible in his voice.

“Not really.” Sehyoon answered and Byeongkwan knew this was the end of their very exciting conversation. But at least, he knew, that next time he should be more subtle with staring at him.

“That’s not true.” Suddenly a voice chirped in from the backseat. Byeongkwan whipped his head back in surprise. Of course, it was Yuchan. He was no longer engaged in endless banter with Junhee, instead he was glancing between his older brother and Byeongkwan. “Sehyoon is very good at drawing.” Yuchan said quietly, gaze finally resting on Sehyoon’s shoulder, who was staring ahead, not returning his brother’s gaze.

“Is he?” Byeongkwan asked, intrigued by newly acquired information.

“Yes, he’s very good.” Yuchan nodded, eyes lit with excitement. He sounded extremely proud of his older brother. Byeongkwan found it cute. “He.. He even studied Software Design and Architecture in the university.” To Byeongkwan's surprise sparkles from Yuchan's eyes suddenly disappeared at his own words and his proud smile was replaced by the sad one. Byeongkwan could feel his interest reaching its peak. He couldn’t simply let such chance of knowing more about the brothers slip away.

“Why not something like fine arts?” He asked, facing Yuchan, who started to fiddle with his fingers.

“I.. Because..” Younger male started, stumbling with his own words. He looked up at Sehyoon for help, who looked like he was long lost in his own wonderland.

“Because?” Byeongkwan pressed, wanting to get maximum information out of the flustered boy.

“Because..” Yuchan tried again, but his quiet because was followed by uncomfortable silence.

“I think that’s enough, Kwan. He clearly isn’t comfortable with the topic.” Donghun meddled in and Byeongkwan wanted to punch his best friend for being so soft and nice. This was probably his one and only chance to find out more about the brothers’ mysterious lives. He glared at Donghun, who gave him a hard stare in response, pointing with his chin to the front. Byeongkwan knew he couldn’t win against Donghun when the other had his motherly instincts on, so he turned in his seat, facing the road ahead.

“You alright, Channie?” He heard Donghun tell the boy, but he couldn’t hear Yuchan’s answer. He glanced at Sehyoon, who was awfully quiet, even though he was the main topic of their discussion and his brother was put in such uncomfortable situation. Byeongkwan was surprised his protective brotherly instinct hadn't kicked in already. The male looked lost in his thoughts. His gaze was fixed on the road, his body functioning normally, but Byeongkwan felt like the other male was absent from his body, mind wondering somewhere afar. Byeongkwan wanted to know where, he wanted to know where Sehyoon hide himself away when he didn’t want to face the real world around him. He wanted to know how Sehyoon’s defense mechanism worked.

Sehyoon hated himself. He hated himself more than anything right at this moment. Because he was a coward, who couldn’t confront the reality and only knew how to hide himself away, leaving Yuchan behind to fight battles Sehyoon should have fought and tried to won. 

 

*******

 

Car was filled with silence throughout the whole remaining drive. Sehyoon was lost in his thoughts, Byeongkwan was pondering his mind about Yuchan’s words, while Junhee and Donghun fussed over Yuchan who was sleeping soundlessly on Donghun’s shoulder. Here and there, when Sehyoon managed to drift away from his thoughts, he could hear Junhee asking Donghun if the youngest out of them all was comfortable and if they should try and find more comfortable position for him to sleep. But he couldn’t concentrate for long on what the others were saying, he was wondering in and out of his own world, while keeping his gaze firm on the road.

When they arrived at the small, old hotel Junhee found in the middle of nowhere it was past 10pm and everyone was hungry and exhausted from the ride. They didn’t get to stop for dinner, because there wasn’t any sign of civilization along the way. Donghun and Byeongkwan left the car to check if there was enough rooms for them to stay in. Sehyoon was still grasping the wheel tightly with his hands, his knuckles kept turning white. He could hear gentle whispers from the backseat. Junhee was softly singing something to Yuchan, who was leaning against him, older’s arms wrapped around younger's fragile shoulders.

Sehyoon came back to his senses little by little as he clung onto small whispers coming from Junhee. He turned over in his seat and his eyes automatically searched for Yuchan, who had his eyes closed.

“Is he sleeping?” He asked quietly and Junhee’s eyes snapped up at him, surprised by Sehyoon's voice.

“Oh, he..” Junhee started, but trailed off when Yuchan opened his eyes.

“Sehyoon.” Younger whispered and Sehyoon could hear tears in his voice. Yuchan looked sad, sadder than ever. He had unresistable desire of pulling younger boy in a hug.

“I’m sorry, Channie.” He leaned in and gently rested his hand on Yuchan’s cheek. Younger was trembling under his touch. Sehyoon could hear his heart shattering  from pieces to pieces.

“I’m okay. Don’t be.” Yuchan gave him a small smile as he placed his trembling hand over Sehyoon’s.

Sehyoon hated this smile, he hated it so much. This was the smile that hided all the pain Yuchan had in him, this was the smile that has fooled Sehyoon so many times. He hated it. He hated it just as much as he hated himself and he hated himself so much, for being a coward, for not being good enough brother for Yuchan. He swallowed tears choking him and forced small smile on his face that came out pained. He could accept this answer for now. But he wouldn’t let Yuchan fool him again. He wouldn’t let Yuchan be in so much pain alone. He wouldn’t let Yuchan feel like Sehyoon felt when he was younger, when he needed help, when he needed someone to shoulder his pain with him, but there was no one whose shoulder he could cry and lean on.

Just as he was about to say something, Byeongkwan knocked on the window and gestured them to get out.

As soon as Sehyoon closed the door of their small hotel room, Yuchan’s lithe body crashed against him. He could hear his younger brother sobbing hard against him. He wrapped his arms around the younger tightly and pulled him closer.

“I’m sorry, Chan.” He choked out as tears started to flow from his eyes. He was sobbing just as hard as his younger brother was. All the emotions and frustration he had held in himself in the past few days tried to poured out in the loud cries. Yuchan was clinging onto him as if his life depended on it and Sehyoon was hugging his younger brother with just as much desperation.

Sehyoon didn’t know how long they stood against the door, crying and hugging, but Yuchan cried himself into sleep. Sehyoon gently laid the younger boy on the bed and pushed hair out of his eyes. Yuchan looked like a child, pure, innocent one, who had cried over his lost toy and fell asleep while clinging onto his mother’s arms.

Sehyoon’s heart kept shattering at the sight. He was broken to no bounds and he couldn’t stop Yuchan from breaking. He knew he had to do something, but he no longer knew what. He was lost. He had been lost since his uncle first laid his hand on him, he had been lost since the first time he cried himself to sleep, hiding bruises and pain from his younger brother.

He carefully took Yuchan’s shoes off and covered younger with blanket. He leaned down to place a soft kiss on younger’s forehead, hand gently caressing Yuchan’s tear strained cheek.

“I’m so sorry, Channie. I’m sorry mom.”

 

 


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi there.  
> Thanks everyone for commenting and giving this story kudos. Even though I'm writing this fic for my own entertainment it's so nice to know that others also enjoy reading it. (^^-^^)  
> This chapter contains descriptions of self harm so please proceed with caution if you feel uncomfortable reading it.  
> I didn't get to fix mistakes, so i apologize for that.

  

**Chapter Twelve**

 

Byeongkwan couldn’t sleep. He was tired, but he couldn’t force himself to fall asleep. He kept tossing and turning in his bed, until he finally came to a conclusion that it was a better idea to get out and take a walk. For Byeongkwan fresh air and a nice walk was the best solution for everything. He quietly slipped out of the door, careful to not disturb other occupants. He was greeted by the quiet night and clear sky when he got out of the hotel. He breathed in fresh air. He could feel quiet forest around him. He decided to just walk around aimlessly until his mind felt calm and clear. He was about to turn away from the parking lot when his eyes landed on the figure, curled up on the bench where parking lot joined the forest. He squinted his eyes on the figure, it looked familiar. The form looked awfully familiar and it immediately hit him. He had seen this person hunched in the same position few hours prior near the stream, when they stopped for lunch. He was sure that the person was Sehyoon. However, he didn’t know that Sehyoon smoked. He didn’t know a lot about the other male, but Sehyoon never struck him as a smoker. He silently approached the bench, trying his best to not disturb the male. The closer he got, the clearer it became that the person was indeed Sehyoon. He took a few steps forward before coming to a halt. Sehyoon seemed lost in his thoughts. Byeongkwan opened his mouth to let the other man know about his arrival but his voice died in his throat when his eyes landed on Sehyoon's exposed arm. His mind struggled to register what his eyes were seeing. The sight in front of him was hard to watch, hard to look at. But everything suddenly made a lot of sense to Byeongkwan. Sehyoon didn't smoke.

“I thought it was to burn your lungs, not your skin.” Byeongkwan heard himself say. Words left his mouth before he could register them.

Sehyoon's head flung up at the sound of familiar voice, eyes wide, mouth slightly ajar. He reminded Byeongkwan of the deer caught in headlights. He looked puzzled. For the first time, Byeongkwan could read something in Sehyoon's eyes - pure terror. He, himself was shocked by his own outburst. He didn’t mean to say anything at all after the shocking revelation he came to. He intended to quietly retreat and leave Sehyoon to his thoughts, to whatever was forcing him to treat his own body in such inhuman manner. However, the idea of Sehyoon hurting himself burnt bitter in his mouth. He couldn’t simply let this go, he couldn't shrug it off just like another bystander. He couldn’t let Sehyoon hurt himself and demage something so painfully beautiful.

“Wh.. What.. Are you doing here?” Sehyoon stuttered out few minutes later, cigarette slipping out of his fingers. Byeongkwan’s eyes silently followed it and rested on the broken cigarette now burning on the ground.

“I don’t know. What are you doing?” He returned Sehyoon’s question and the male casted his eyes downwards.

“I don’t know.” Sehyoon’s voice was shaking. Byeongkwan didn’t feel comfortable seeing him like that. Seeing him on the verge of breaking down. He didn’t know why, but he didn’t like the idea of Sehyoon hurting, so much, alone, in silence. He walked over to the bench and sat down next to the other male, who immediately pushed himself away from Byeongkwan.

“Are you okay?” He asked and felt how stupid his question sounded regarding the situation. Of course, Sehyoon wasn’t okay. He was out at midnight, alone, face strained with tears, eyes bloodshot, burning cigarette on his arm.

“I’m okay.” Sehyoon answered and bitter laugh slipped out of Byeongkwan’s mouth.

“Try to be a bit honest, Sehyoon.”

“What difference would my honesty make?” Sehyoon suddenly looked up at him and for a second, Byeongkwan could see desperation in his eyes.

“I could help. We could help. You just need to say that you need it.” He lifted his hand up to push hair out of Sehyoon’s eyes, but the way other’s eyes darted from Byeongkwan to his streched out hand, made him retreat it back.

“I’ve known you just for days.” Sehyoon said and Byeongkwan could hear bitterness in his tone.

“That doesn’t mean we wouldn’t try to help you.” He answered and Sehyoon smiled. It was bitter and full of pain. Byeongkwan had to avert his eyes.

“I don’t need pity, Byeongkwan. I've had enough of it already.” Sehyoon said as he pushed himself up and left Byeongkwan in stunned silence. He didn’t need people to pity him or pity Yuchan. They have had enough of it already. Pitiful young boys, whose parents had died. Pitiful young boys who were left alone. Pitiful young boys, whose uncle was kind enough to take them under his wing. Pitiful young boys, truly pitiful ones. Sehyoon have heard those words since he was a child, but he didn’t need pity. He and Yuchan needed help, but no one who had ever pitied them had never actually tried anything to help them, to hear their cries or reduce their pain.

 

*******

 

When Sehyoon slipped back in his and Yuchan’s hotel room, younger male’s eyes snapped open as an instinct. He breathed out heavily when his eyes landed on Sehyoon, who was making his way to the bed.

“Sehyoon, it's you.” He whispered and Sehyoon sat beside him on the bed.

“It’s me. Don’t worry, Chan.” He caressed his younger brother’s hair and kissed his forehead.

“Sehyoon, we will be okay, right?” Yuchan asked as he wrapped his arms around Sehyoon.

“We will be. I promise, Channie.” _You will be. I promise, Channie._ Sehyoon whispered and pulled Yuchan in a hug.

 

*******

 

Byeongkwan sat in silence, eyes glued on Sehyoon’s retreating back. His thoughts were a tangled mess. He didn’t know what to do. He couldn’t decide whether to follow Sehyoon or leave him to silently tear himself apart. He sat on the bench, unmoving and let himself be drowned in a heavy silence. He had wanted to find missing pieces of Sehyoon. He knew they wouldn’t be beautiful, yet he still wanted to find them so much. However, right now, when he saw few of those pieces with his own eyes, he wasn’t sure if he was ready to see what else the other male was hiding. He wanted to know Sehyoon, the real one, the one hiding behind the façade, but he wasn’t sure if he was ready to find all Sehyoon’s missing puzzles and try to put them together. He wondered if Yuchan also hurt himself like his older brother did. He couldn't imagine innocent, cheerful Yuchan burning cigarettes' on his arms. The mere thought of it broke something in Byeongkwan.

For a second, he thought about running to Junhee and Donghun and telling them what he had just witnessed, but he couldn’t risk driving Sehyoon and Yuchan away. He couldn’t risk telling his best friends, because they wouldn't be able to keep silent and if confronted the brothers’ may push them away and he couldn’t risk that. He needed to keep his eyes on the brothers. He needed to find the right time to tell his best friends and he needed time to prove Sehyoon that Byeongkwan wasn’t pitying him. Byeongkwan was just trying to understand him and give him a helping hand when Sehyoon thought he had none.

 

**Chapter Thirteen**

 

Sehyoon fell asleep distracted from his thoughts by the sharp pain in his arm. It was itching and burning and Sehyoon found the feeling comforting. The pain was distracting him from his thoughts, from the ache in his heart and mind. He was hurting physically, but this pain could never compare to the one caused by his mind. For Sehyoon his thoughts were the biggest torture.

When he woke up the next morning, Yuchan was snuggled up against him, arms pressed tightly on Sehyoon’s chest. He had a deep frown between his brows and his lips where curled. Sehyoon gently caressed younger’s hair.

“Wake up, Channie.” He whispered quietly and watched as younger came back to his senses. Yuchan opened his eyes slowly, blinking for several times to adjust the light in the room. When his eyes focused on Sehyoon soft smile spreaded out on his lips.

“Good morning, Sehyoon.” He murmured.

“Good morning, Channie.” Sehyoon said back with a gentle smile. “We’d get up and get ready.”

“I.. Okay. I’ll shower first, okay?” Younger asked and Sehyoon gave him a nod. Yuchan wiggled out of the bed and disappeared in the bathroom.

Sehyoon sat up on the bed and rolled the sleeve of his t-shirt up. He caressed the back of his arm. It was still itching and stinging and Sehyoon hated himself for loving this feeling. He heaved a sigh and rested his head on the headboard, eyes tightly shut. He didn’t know what to do now. He wasn’t sure if Byeongkwan told the others or not. He didn’t know how to act when he would have to face the other man. Byeongkwan accidently saw dark, deeply hidden pieces of Sehyoon and Sehyoon didn’t know how to react. He didn’t know what to do. He wanted to run, run until he was lost, until he was forgotten with time. But he couldn’t. He wouldn’t. Because of Yuchan. For the sake of Yuchan. He opened his eyes slowly, gaze frozen on the bathroom’s door. He could hear soft sound coming through it. Yuchan was singing. It was soft and soothing and comforting and Sehyoon loved the gentle sound of his younger brother’s voice. He hadn’t heard Yuchan sing for years, but here he was, listening to his brother’s soft murmurs that felt like lullaby to him. It reminded him of their mother. Sehyoon felt a single tear rolling down on his cheek. He wiped it away, pushing thoughts of their mother away. He had to be strong for Yuchan. Sehyoon had to be strong for Yuchan. So he would get up, get ready and face Byeongkwan. He would face anything that was to come for the sake of Yuchan’s happiness.

Yes, Kim sehyoon was a coward, but he would try to be brave for the sake of his younger brother.

 

*******

 

When both of them were ready to leave Sehyoon took their begs, while Yuchan pressed his newly acquired guitar tightly against his chest. They agreed to meet with others at 8am in front of the hotel yesterday. When they went down the other three males where already waiting for them. Byeongkwan was sitting on the stairs, head resting on his lap. while Donghun and Junhee were leaning against the staircase. Yuchan immediately fleed towards them, wide grin plastered on his face. Sehyoon hated and loved the effect two band singers had on his younger brother. Byeongkwan looked up at the sound of Yuchan’s voice and turned his head to their direction. His eyes caught Sehyoon’s. He looked tired, expression dark. Sehyoon broke the gaze and looked away.

“Everyone had a good rest?” Junhee asked and Yuchan nodded. “We got you guys some breakfast. We will be eating while on the road.” Junhee added and Yuchan gave him a huge smile.

“Thanks. You didn’t have to.” Younger said and Junhee gently patted him on the head.

“I wanted to. You guys needed all the rest you could get.” He flashed Yuchan a gentle smile and then turned to Sehyoon, who nodded in a thankful manner. “Let’s hit the road then?” Junhee skipped down on the stairs and others followed him in queue.

“You need help with those begs?” Byeongkwan pointed at the backpacks Sehyoon was carrying.

“I’m alright.” Sehyoon looked a bit taken aback. He didn't expect Byeongkwan to talk to him. He gently brushed forward the other male.

This time Donghun was driving them. Sehyoon quietly slipped beside Yuchan and Junhee on the backseat. As soon as Donghun started the engine his boyfriend started distributing everyone’s breakfast.

“I didn’t know what you guys liked, but I got the best thing they had here.” He said as Yuchan thanked him and opened his food.

Everyone fell into a quiet after that, except Junhee who would call out Donghun’s name from time to time to get his attention and feed him his breakfast. Yuchan munched quietly next to him, giggling once in a while at Junhee’s remarks thrown at Donghun.

 

*******

 

They stopped in a small village for lunch. Everyone looked more exhausted than usual.

They found a small restaurant in the center of the village. Even though the village was old and stuck in time, it looked beautiful and it was calm.

They ate in silence. Sometimes Sehyoon’s eyes would catch with Byeongkwan’s but he would avert them immediately. He felt ashamed that Byeongkwan knew how much of a coward Sehyoon was. He hated the fact that he was exposed to Byeongkwan and he knew what kind of person Sehyoon really was. He couldn’t even save himself, how would he be able to save his younger brother.

He didn’t have an appetite but forced himself to eat, because he didn’t want to worry Yuchan. Younger kept stealing glances of him from time to time. He felt more exposed than ever. He felt like Byeongkwan wasn’t the only one who knew what Sehyoon was hiding under his t-shirt's sleeves. But he also had the feeling that Byeongkwan hadn’t told anyone and kept Sehyoon’s secrets to himself. Sehyoon knew he was being paranoid, but that was how Kim Sehyoon worked. He was scared of Yuchan’s reaction if younger were to find out. He didn’t want Yuchan to know about it. He didn't want anyone to know.

After all of them were done with their lunch and had their energy restored, Junhee insisted to explore the village.

“It’s so small. It will take less than an hour.” He tried to convince others to join him. Yuchan immediately supported his proposal, which meant that Sehyoon would automatically follow. Donghun couldn’t go against his boyfriend’s wishes. Byeongkwan was the only one who refused. He told them to go ahead without him while he would wait for them in the car and try to get some sleep. Donghun didn’t want to leave him alone, but Junhee’s patience run short and he dragged his boyfriend away from the car, Yuchan and Sehyoon trailing behind them.

Sehyoon felt someone’s gaze burning on the back of his neck. He turned for a moment to catch Byeongkwan’s eyes. He was leaning against the car, eyes following Sehyoon, who immediately broke the connection and turned his attention back to the dusty road ahead.

He didn’t know what to do with Byeongkwan. He just hoped the other male wouldn’t tell anyone about his dark secrets. Somehow, to his surprise, Sehyoon believed that Byeongkwan wouldn’t tell his friends. But he wouldn’t be Kim Sehyoon if he didn’t let his thoughts eat him alive.

For a while, Yuchan walked beside him, whistling quietly to himself. The village looked old, but nice. It was full of calmness and Sehyoon found it extremely suitable to his tastes. He would love to live someplace like this someday, but he also knew that such place wasn’t cut out for Yuchan. Village wasn’t what Yuchan needed and it also wasn’t far away enough from their hometown. He needed to get Yuchan as far away from their home as possible. They would probably tag along with the others until the other end of the country. However, he also wanted to get away from them. Byeongkwan knew about him and he didn’t need the other two to know. He didn’t want to face Byeongkwan and his all knowing eyes anymore. He wanted to part ways with them, but he couldn’t. He wouldn’t. Because Yuchan liked them and they distracted younger male from all of their worries and had healing effect on him. Sehyoon couldn’t let the chance of his brother’s wounds healing slip away so easily from his hands. He wanted to run away and hide from Byeongkwan, hide from anything and everything but his brother needed the presence of two band members and Sehyoon was more than willing to sacrifice his own comfort for that. He knew that the time for them to part ways would come soon and Sehyoon hoped that Yuchan would be much better then and the departure of his newly acquired friends wouldn't break him just like his brother’s actions did once.

When he drifted back to reality Yuchan was already gone from his side. Instead younger boy was walking beside Junhee, hand in hand. Sehyoon felt sharp pain in his chest. The sight hurted him, but he couldn’t say anything. Even if Sehyoon wasn't able to find Yuchan happiness, his younger brother was trying to find it himself. His mouth burnt with bitterness, but he couldn’t do anything. Because Yuchan had all the right to fight for happiness Sehyoon’s actions took away from him long ago. Sehyoon blamed everything that happened to Yuchan on himself. Every single tear that had ever left Yuchan’s eyes were caused by Sehyoon’s decisions and actions. And Sehyoon hated himself for it. He hated himself for feeling bitter at his younger brother’s happiness. Sehyoon didn’t have enough courage left to seek happiness and find something worth living anymore, while Yuchan in comparison was still brave enough to fight for his dreams and happiness even though he had been broken more than once by his own family.

When they arrived back to the car, Sehyoon couldn’t remember a single thing about the village. He didn’t pay attention to anything. He just quietly trailed behind his brother's back, lost in thought.

Byeongkwan was sleeping on the backseat when they got back. He looked peaceful and was sleeping soundlessly. Sehyoon observed from afar as Junhee carefully shook the other male awake. Byeongkwan mumbled something incoherent in his sleep before sitting up and hiding an yawn behind his hand. Sehyoon felt weird at the sight, but he couldn’t describe how he felt and immediately averted his gaze from him when byeongkwan looked around to adjust the scene.

“You guys are back.” He stated as a matter of fact.

“We are you silly. Did you sleep well?” Junhee asked as he pinched Byeongkwan on the cheek and the other immediately swatted his hand, receiving a pout in response.

“I did. How was the good old village?” Byeongkwan yawned once more before jumping down from the car.

“Lovely. I’ll show you pictures later.” Junhee flashed him one of his enthusiastic smiles before ushering everyone inside the car.

“Hey.” Byeongkwan mumbled when he crossed ways with Sehyoon, who was trying to get inside the car.

“Hi.” Sehyoon greeted back, head hung low.

 

*******

 

“Oh! Oh! Everyone!” Junhee started suddenly and every head in the car whipped to his direction.

“What?! What is it, Junhee?!” Donghun asked, one hand resting on his chest, half of his attention averted from the road. His boyfriend really needed to stop starting every conversation with obnoxious shouts.

“There’s a festival held in celebration of some old legend in the village we have to pass on the way.” He shared the subject of his excitement with others, only to receive glares from Byeongkwan, Sehyoon and Donghun and an excited yelp from Yuchan.

“A festival?” Younger gleed, eyes wide.

“Yes. How about we stay over the night?” Junhee ruffled Yuchan’s hair and turned expecting eyes to the others.

“I..” Byeongkwan started, but Donghun immediately cut him off.

“I think that’s an excellent idea. Right boys?” He gave a frozen smile to Byeongkwan and locked eyes with Sehyoon through the mirror.

“Yeah.” Byeongkwan grumbled. Sehyoon nodded.

 

*******

 

“Do you like festivals, Channie?” Junhee asked as he continued to play on younger’s slightly curled hair.

“I.. I think I do.” Yuchan replied quietly.

“What do you mean you think you do?” Junhee laughed, obnoxious sound of his laughter filling the whole car. Byeongkwan stirred from his slumber for a second only to mumble something and continue sleeping peacefully.

“I.. I haven’t.. I haven’t been on one since I.. since I was a child.” Yuchan managed to stutter out. Eyes casted downwards. Junhee locked his eyes with Sehyoon’s over Yuchan’s head, silently asking if it was alright to continue with the subject. Sehyoon was taken aback by his actions. He didn’t really thought of Junhee to be someone very considerate and aware of how others felt. He glanced down at Yuchan. Younger male looked sad, but comfortable with his head resting on Junhee’s chest and his feets resting on Sehyoon’s thighs. Sehyoon looked back at Junhee and made a small gesture with his head. To his surprise Junhee got his signal.

“Well, that’s alright. We’re going to attend one soon anyways.” He chirped merrily, ruffling Yuchan’s hair. Younger giggled and looked up at him. He didn’t look so sad anymore. Sehyoon was thankful and torn at the same time. He needed to talk with Yuchan and he needed to talk with him as soon as possible. He promised himself that he would as soon as he’d get a chance. He wouldn’t break this promise no matter what. He couldn’t let Yuchan destroy himself, just like Sehyoon did once. “I will buy you lots of cotton candy, how about that?” Junhee suggested, skillfully changing the subject.

“Ooooh. I like that.” Yuchan clasped his hands together in excitement, previous sadness already abscent from his eyes.

“Too much sugar isn’t good for your health kids.” Donghun added in from the front causing Junhee and Yuchan to burst out into loud fit of giggles. Sehyoon’s eyes unconsciously found themselves wondering over sleeping Byeongkwan. He looked undisturbed by the sudden outburst of loud giggles. Sehyoon found himself relieved by the sight and he tried to ignore a nagging feeling in his chest.

“Nobody cares about that dad.” Junhee said in a teasing voice and Donghun only laughed in response.

Sehyoon glanced around the other three. They looked so comfortable in each other’s presence it felt like they had known each other for years. They always knew what to say to make the other feel better. Sehyoon couldn’t understand how Yuchan had such ability to get so comfortable with some strangers, but it seemed that they naturally clicked with each other. Unlike Sehyoon, Yuchan already felt like a family to them and Sehyoon had a feeling they also felt like a family to Yuchan. For a second, Sehyoon wished he could also fit in like his younger brother. But he wouldn’t be Kim Sehyoon if he could casually match with others. He was cast out and he would be like that for the rest of his life. He only hoped that Yuchan wouldn’t get bored of his dull presence and wouldn’t leave his side. Because for Sehyoon, Yuchan was the only person he was living for, he was trying so hard to not give in temptious ideas his mind kept coming up with. Sehyoon only needed Yuchan in his life, but it seemed like Yuchan didn't need Sehyoon to survive anymore. He was finding his own life without his older brother in the picture. He wondered how it would be if he were gone, if he weren’t beside Yuchan in the backseat of Byeongkwan’s car. He wondered what would have changed. If yuchan would be sad. If anyone would notice his absence. He wondered if anything would change when he would be gone. Maybe without Sehyoon in his life, Yuchan would be much better off. Unburdened and unbothered by anything. After all, younger still had his own ways of making happiness out of some strangers' lives.

“Sehyoon.” Quiet whisper of his name pulled him out of his thoughts. He blinked for several times, eyes slowly focusing on the person in front of him. Yuchan was eyeing him with curious eyes. “Are you not feeling well?” Younger asked, hand gently resting on Sehyoon's cheek.

“Don’t worry, Chan. I’m alright.” Sehyoon managed to give him a smile. Yuchan smiled back. It was sad. It proved Sehyoon a point. Yuchan’s smile was so different compared to when he was smiling at Junhee and when he was smiling at his own older brother.

“Are you sure?” Yuchan’s voice sounded desperate. Sehyoon didn’t want to lie, but he had to.

“I’m sure. Don’t worry.” He patted younger on the head, who nodded and laid his head on Sehyoon's shoulder. He glanced Junhee beside them. He was playing with Yuchan’s fingers, attention focused on a sight from his window.

“Tell me if you aren’t feeling well, promise?” Yuchan whispered quietly as he lifted his pinkie in front of Sehyoon’s face.

“Promise.” Sehyoon hooked his own over Yuchan’s and made just another promise he wouldn’t keep.

When he looked ahead, Byeongkwan’s head immediately whirled to the other side.

 

*******

 

“Oh my god! It’s so beautiful.” Junhee awed as soon as Donghun turned off the engine.

“Okay. Junhee don’t run off and wait for the others. There are a lot of people it could be dangerous.” Donghun warned. His boyfriend looked ready to run off and explore the place.

“I won’t.” Junhee pouted as he slumped against his seat, arms crossed against his chest.

Yuchan seemed just as eager as the other male. He couldn’t keep still in his seat. Sehyoon had to place a firm hand on his thigh.

Byeongkwan was wide awake now and to Sehyoon’s surprise he no longer looked unamused at the thought of the festival. He seemed giddy. Sehyoon assumed that he must have fought of the fatigue with sleep.

“I’m going to win every arcade game they have here.” He cheered for himself and everyone except Sehyoon in the car laughed.

“I don’t think that's possible. They always cheat at places like this.” Donghun reasoned and Byeongkwan’s face fell. Junhee smacked his boyfriend on the shoulder from the backseat.

“You! Don’t kill his excitement. You go, Kwannie! I’m sure you can win all those cheaters out there!” Junhee cheered for his best friend, who turned over in his seat and flashed him a wide grin.

“Yeah. You just watch me, Hun!” He said and slammed his car’s door open.

“I said no running off!” Donghun caught him with the back of his t-shirt before he could run off. Byeongkwan thrashed around for a second before giving in the older’s demand.

“Okay. I won’t, but can we hurry up?” He grumbled, which brought laughter out of the other three once more.

***

“Umm. Sehyoon?” Byeongkwan snatched Sehyoon back with the hook of his backpack. The other male turned to face him with arched brows. For a moment, Byeongkwan forgot what he wanted to say because Sehyoon looked utterly beautiful under the festival’s glowing lights.

“What?” He asked curtly, eyes following every step Yuchan took.

“He will be fine with them.” Byeongkwan reassured, forgetting his original purpose.

“If that's what you wanted to tell me then I..” Sehyoon started but the other cut him off.

“I wanted to give you this.” Byeongkwan said and held out a plastic bag for him to take.

“What is this?” Sehyoon gave him a distrustful look.

“It’s.. It’s just.. Just take it.” Byeongkwan placed it in Sehyoon’s hand, who jolted forcefully at the sudden touch. Byeongkwan immediately retreated his hands. “I’m sorry.” He was a bit shocked by the other’s reaction, but he wasn't surprised.

“What is this?” Sehyoon tried again, but he already had an idea of what it could be. There was pharmacy written with thick green letters on the white plastic bag. “I don’t need this. I don’t need anything from you, Byeongkwan.” He gritted through his teeth. He just wanted Byeongkwan to forget what he saw yesterday.

“I know you don’t, but just keep it please.” Byeongkwan said. Sehyoon thought he heard desperation in his voice. He opened his mouth to reply, but Junhee’s voice interrupted them.

“Yah you two hurry up!” He had his hands placed on his hips, pretending to be annoyed with them. Sehyoon’s head immediately whipped to his direction, afraid that he might have heard their exchange but the other three where standing few meters away from them.

“Sorry, Jun, sorry.” Byeongkwan flashed him a smile as he gently brushed against Sehyoon to join his best friends and Yuchan. Sehyoon stood there, frozen in shock, eyes glaring at the plastic bag clutched between his fingers.

“Sehyoon?” He heard Yuchan call for him.

“I’m coming Chan.” He called out before shoving the plastic bag in his backpack and joining his brother.

 

*******

 

Donghun thought it would be simple, small festival held by the village people to celebrate some old legend of theirs, but he was surprised by the amount of people gathered and how huge and well organized the festival looked. There were so many different kind of stands he didn’t know which one to look at first, there were so many rides, different kind of foods and for Byeongkwan’s excitement and entertainment arcade games. He got flyers for everyone so they could learn about the legend. He tried to read through it, but his mind couldn’t concentrate on the letters in front of him at all. Every time he tried to read Junhee’s and Yuchan’s laughter would distract him and his eyes immediately would search for them. Junhee was snapping as much pictures as he possibly could. He would point Yuchan to something in the process and the younger would giggle in response. The other two males were so distracting, few minutes later he completely forgot about the flyer in his hand. He stood few steps away from his lover and a beautiful young man they accidently came across to. He couldn’t take his eyes off them. They looked beautiful under the dim, colorful lights of the festival. Junhee’s blond hair would turn different shade every time lights changed their color. Even though there was loud music blasting through the speakers in order to lighten up mood of the visitors, he could only hear the sound of Yuchan’s giggles. It sounded endearing, innocent and bright. It was calming and entrancing. His heart started to pick a beat as his mind was slowly coming to the realization of a certain fact. But he couldn’t admit it out loud, he couldn’t even admit it to himself.

“Is something wrong, Hun?” A voice beside him asked, jolting him out of his thoughts.

“Gosh, Byeongkwan. You scared me.” He sighed in relief, hand placed on his chest.

“What kept you so distracted?” Byeongkwan asked, knowing smile on his face. Donghun was sure Byeongkwan already knew the answer. He wouldn't be surprised if Byeongkwan knew even before Donghun himself did.

“Nothing to fuss about.” Donghun answered, trying to seem as relaxed as possible.

“If you say so.” Byeongkwan grinned at him. Donghun wanted to punch it off his best friend’s face. “They sure make a sight worth looking at.” Byeongkwan gently slapped him on the arm, as in a show of support and encouragement. Donghun suddenly remembered the day he confessed to Junhee. They were looking at the other boy from afar and Byeongkwan did the same back then. Gently slapped him on the arm and wished him luck in winning the beautiful male’s heart. He felt nostalgic and scared at the thought. He didn’t know if he liked what his best friend was implying or not. He was scared that what he was coming to realize was in fact true and it could possibly present any danger to his and Junhee’s long, loving and beautiful relationship.

“I don’t think you need to worry about it.” Byeongkwan told him. He hated how Byeongkwan could read his thoughts without any effort. But Donghun had always been an open book to him. They had grown up together after all.

“What do you mean?” He asked, not quiet sure of what Byongkwan meant.

“You know Junhee more than I do, Hun.” His best friend gave him a supportive smile, which Donghun was grateful for, before disappearing in the crowd.

He knew he didn’t need to worry about it, because he loved Junhee more than anything in the world and nothing would ever change it.

 

*******

 

Byeongkwan scanned the crowd in search of a certain male and his eyes immediately found the subject of his interests. Sehyoon was sitting on the bench, unmoving, quiet, by himself. His eyes were carefully moving around along with his younger brother. He reminded Byeongkwan of the most loyal bodyguard of some young prince that Sehyoon had to protect from anything and everything at any cost. Byeongkwan wanted to know what Sehyoon was trying to protect his younger brother from and who was there to protect Sehyoon from all the danger that could come his way in the process of protecting Yuchan. He didn’t know when his legs decided to carry him over the other male but he registered it too late, when he was already standing over the bench, Sehyoon’s attention focused on him.

“Hey.” Byeongkwan greeted him. Sehyoon turned his attention back to his younger brother. “Are you enjoying yourself?” He tried to strike a conversation with him.

“I am.” Came a short answer.

“You’re a bad liar.” Byeongkwan said carefully, not wanting to upset the other male.

“Don’t ask if you don’t want to be lied to.” Sehyoon replied flatly. It brought smile on Byeongkwan's face.

“Now you’re talking.” He grinned and Sehyoon gave him a side glance. Attention devided between his younger brother and Byeongkwan. “It’s fun there. I won 5 times out of six.” He huffed, extremely proud of himself. Sehyoon noticed a plushy in his hands. “I got one for each of us.” He added when Sehyoon didn’t say anything back. “I got one for you too.” Sehyoon’s eyes travelled from Byeongkwan’s eyes to his hands and then back to his eyes. He was holding a whale plushie in his hands. “I got it on the second try.” Sehyoon wasn’t saying anything and Byeongkwan was trying hard to make the other male talk. “Here.” He held out the plushie to Sehyoon, who was glaring at his hands as if Byeongkwan was holding the most disgusting thing in the world in his hands.

“I don’t want a plushie, Byeongkwan.” Sehyoon said quietly.

“What do you want then?” He asked, trying to keep his voice low and his patience in check.

“I don’t want anything.” Sehyoon's answer was flat and Byeongkwan somehow could feel his sadness. Sehyoon had to be the most lonliest whale out of all the 52-hertz whales. You couldn’t really hear his silent cries even if you tried to.

“Just take it then. It wouldn’t make any difference, would it?” Byeongkwan placed the whale plushie on Sehyoon's lap, who jolted violently. “Sorry.” Byeongkwan mumbled apologetically. The other simply shrugged him off.

They sat in silence for quiet some time, Sehyoon quietly observing the whale on his lap, Byeongkwan carefully observing Sehyoon.

“Why a whale?” Sehyoon asked suddenly, but he thought he already knew the answer.

“Do you know 52-hertz whale?” Byeongkwan asked back, voice just above a whisper.

“I do.” Sehyoon’s answer was curt.

“You remind me of it.” Byeongkwan saw something flash across Sehyoon’s black orbs for a second, but he didn’t catch it and even if he did, he didn’t know what it was or what to make out of it. Sehyoon was full of mysteries and Byeongkwan was drowning in them while trying to find an explanation for all the mysteries Sehyoon had.

 

*******

 

“Sehyoon. Sehyoon.” Yuchan run up to him, shouting his name. Younger's face was split into two by a huge grin on his face. He was holding two colored cotton candies in his hands. He looked like an overly excited child. Sehyoon patted him on the head in attempt of calming him down. “I got you cotton candy.” He handed the older male pink colored cotton candy, while keeping yellow one to himself. Sehyoon looked down at him as younger quietly munched on his sweet. He couldn’t resist a soft smile spreading on his lips. “Oooh.” Yuchan let out suddenly and Sehyoon immediately turned alert. “Kwannie, got a whale for you.” He pointed at the plushy older was clutching in his other hand. Sehyoon wondered where Kwannie came from. Yuchan wasn’t particularly close to Byeongkwan. They barely talked.

“He did.” He confirmed and younger looked from the whale plushy to him.

“It does resemble you a bit.” Yuchan grinned foolishly at his own words. Sehyoon wanted to pull him in a hug to protect him from all the bad in the world. It was late at night, but Yuchan glowed brighter than the sun. His grin was more blinding than any bright lights surrounding them.

“What did he got for you?” Sehyoon asked, curious about what Yuchan reminded Byeongkwan of.

“He got me a sun. It’s so cute. Byeongkwan is so sweet. It has a smiley face. It’s a smiling sun, Sehyoon. He got me a smiling sun plushie.” Younger flailed his arms around, excitement radiating from his body. “Ah, I left it with Junhee.” He pouted and started looking around for the older male.

“It’s okay. You can show me later.” Sehyoon told him and younger stopped looking for Junhee. Sehyoon led him to the bench.

They sat in silence for a few minutes, quietly enjoying their cotton candies. But Yuchan kept fidgeting beside Sehyoon. He knew younger wanted to say something, but was afraid of asking.

“What is it, Chan? You know you can tell me.” Sehyoon turned to face him, giving younger a small push he needed to share his worries.

“I.. I was.. I was just curious.” Yuchan started off quietly. “I was just curious if we.. We have money, Sehyoon. I keep thinking that.. That if we don’t have enough we will have to.. We will have to part ways with Junhee and others.. You know stay behind.. I don’t.. I don’t want to get separated from them, Sehyoon.” It took Yuchan few minutes to go through the whole sentence. Sehyoon’s heart shattered completely. Every time he thought it was impossible for his heart to break more, it did. It kept mending and shattering, shattering and mending.

“We have money, Chan. We have a lot. But..” He started, but younger interrupted him.

“We do?” He exclaimed, catching attention of few passer bys.

“Let me finish, Chan.” Sehyoon told him, but younger didn’t hear him. His mind was somewhere else.

“But how? Did you.. Sehyoon did you take money from.. From uncle? Oh my god Sehyoon!” He gasped as realization of his own words hit him.

“I only took what was ours.” Sehyoon confirmed younger’s suspicions. Yuchan looked beyond horrified.

“Oh my god Sehyoon! Uncle is going to kill us!” He said, eyes wide in horror.

“He won’t. He won’t be able to even find us. Just listen to me, alright? I just need you to trust me, okay? I only took our money. What mom and dad left for us, okay?” Sehyoon tried to explain, but younger kept shaking his head. “Are you listening to me, Chan?”

“I.. I am.. But Sehyoon..” Yuchan started, voice trembling.

“I saw their will. I have everything with me. All the documents. I swear on mom’s soul Chan that I only took what was ours.” Sehyoon tried to reassure the younger.

“Why did you not tell me before?” Yuchan asked, slowly coming back to his senses.

“I didn’t want you to worry.” Sehyoon caressed younger's hair. “You don’t need to worry. He won’t be able to prove anything, even if he tries to. What I took belongs to us. He was the one stealing it from us. Do you understand, Chan?” He cupped younger’s face with his free hand, eyes locked together.

“I do.. I do.. Is it a lot, Sehyoon?” Yuchan asked again.

“It is.” Sehyoon confirmed and younger gasped in shock.

“Oh my god, Sehyoon.” He kept repeating it like a mantra.

“Just calm down, Chan. You don’t need to worry about anything, okay? Just trust me. I’m here to take care of it all, okay?” He told the younger, whose eyes slowly focused on him.

“But I don’t want you to bear all the burden all alone, Sehyoon.” Yuchan muttered quietly. Sehyoon smiled at his words.

“You just be happy, okay? Let me take care of everything else.” Sehyoon pressed a soft kiss on younger’s forehead. Yuchan gave him a smile, full of love. Sehyoon felt warmness spreading through his whole body. He felt relieved. Yuchan took the news much better than he expected.

“Okay, Sehyoon. But when you are tired of taking care of everything, tell me please. I will take over before you get your strength back.” Yuchan raised his pinkie finger for the second time today. Sehyoon hooked his over the younger’s and sealed their second promise of the day.

“I will. Don’t worry, Chan.” He promised and he hoped he would be able to keep it. Because he kept breaking all the promises he had ever made to Yuchan. “Chan?” He started with shaking voice, trying to gather every ounce of courage he had left in his body.

“Yes, Sehyoon?” Yuchan’s eyes glinted at him.

“Do you like them?” Sehyoon asked, but he already knew the answer.

“I do. I like them a lot, Sehyoon.” Younger confirmed. Sehyoon could feel war starting between his mind and heart.

“Chan. You do know that we will have to part ways with them one day, don’t you?” He asked carefully and the sparkles from Yuchan’s eyes immediately disappeared.

“But.. But do we.. Do we have to, Sehyoon?” Younger asked and Sehyoon could hear unshed tears in his voice. It took less than a second for tears to pave their way on Yuchan’s cheeks, quiet sobbing escaping younger's mouth.

“I don’t know Chan. I don’t know anything anymore.” Sehyoon replied as he pulled younger in a comforting hug. However, he didn’t know if he was comforting or tearing his younger brother apart.

“I want.. I want to.. To stay.. To stay with Junhee.. And Donghun.. And Byeongkwan.. And.. And with you Sehyoon.. I want us to stay together. Can we not stay like this, Sehyoon?” Yuchan was sobbing hard against his chest. Sehyoon could feel younger trembling frantically.

“I’m so sorry, Chan. I’m so sorry.” Sehyoon kept apologizing, he didn’t know what else to say, how to comfort his younger brother.

“Why can we not stay with them, Sehyoon?” Younger sobbed out, tearing Sehyoon’s heart to shreds.

“We can’t risk putting others in danger, Channie.” He said and younger’s sobbing hardened. Sehyoon didn't know what to say. He wished he did. His heart kept breaking and so did Yuchan’s.

“Should.. Should we leave.. Leave already then?” Younger asked, arms tightening around Sehyoon neck.

“Do you want to?” He asked back even though he already knew the answer.

“N.. No.. I don’t. I want to.. I want to be with them as.. As much as I can.” Yuchan kept sobbing and Sehyoon kept rubbing soothing circles on his trembling back.

“But won’t it hurt more later?” He didn’t want Yuchan to hurt more than he already did. It hurted so much now and it would hurt much more later.

“It will, but.. But I want.. I want to spend time.. Time with them.”

“I’m so sorry, Chan. I’m just so sorry.” He whispered to younger, who kept hugging him harder as a silent answer.

 

*******

 

“Channie?” Yuchan pulled away from Sehyoon’s embrace at the sudden call of his name. It was Junhee running up to them, concerned look on his face. Sehyoon dried younger’s tears with the sleeve of his t-shirt, patting him on the head for comfort and encouragement. “Did something happen?” Junhee came to a halt one step away from them unsure of what to do. He kept looking between Sehyoon and Yuchan. Donghun appeared behind his boyfriend’s back just a second later.

“N.. No.” Yuchan stuttered out and Junhee bent down in front of him, gently cupping younger’s face in his hands.

“But you were just crying.” Junhee said softly, his thumbs caressing Yuchan’s cheeks.

“I.. I’m alright now.” Younger reassured him as he glanced at Sehyoon and gave him a smile. He knew Sehyoon needed his reassurement more than anyone else did.

“Are you sure?” Junhee pried. His boyfriend placed a gentle hand on his shoulder.

“Whatever it was, it’s solved now. Don’t pry, Jun.” Donghun smiled down at both of them. Yuchan found it comforting as usual. He felt warm and safe. He had Sehyoon beside him and Junhee and Donghun to protect him from all the harm. He had never felt this safe in his life since their parents’ death. He blindly reached out for Sehyoon’s hand, intertwining their fingers together.

“Junhee, you promised to buy me lots of cotton candy.” Yuchan suddenly declared, catching everyone by surprise, but Junhee immediately caught up with younger’s attempt of brightening up the mood and laughed, causing Donghun to follow his steps.

“Of course, I did. C’mon I will by your as much as you want.” He stood up and pulled younger with him. Yuchan looked down at Sehyoon, who slipped his hand out of Yuchan’s hold and nodded to the cotton candy stall.

Yuchan knew it was all okay now. At least for a little while. He would just try to make the most out of the little time he had left with Junhee and Donghun. He slipped his hand in Junhee’s and tugged him to the cotton candy seller guy.

Sehyoon didn’t notice when Byeongkwan joined them, but when the other three left his eyes landed on Byeongkwan, who was quietly standing beside the bench.

“Hey.” Byeongkwan greeted. It had became the trademark of their conversation.

“What now?” Sehyoon asked, it came out colder than he intended. Byeongkwan furrowed his brows.

“Eat with me.” The other male demanded.

“What?” Sehyoon arched his brows in response.

“Eat with me. I’m sure this three don’t care about eating right now and I don’t want to eat alone.” Byeongkwan said in one go. Sehyoon noticed pink slowly creeping up on the other’s cheeks. He averted his gaze from Byeongkwan’s, eyes searching for Yuchan. Younger was tugging Junhee on the arm, pointing him to something. He looked unbothered and cheerful. Sehyoon turned his attention back to Byeongkwan.

“Okay.” He agreed and Byeongkwan gaped at him. “What?” Sehyoon asked as he stood up and brushed against Byeongkwan.

“I thought it would take much longer to get you eat with me.” He mumbled, trailing behind Sehyoon.

“I’m hungry too.” Sehyoon said flatly, looking unamused.

“Oh, really?” Byeongkwan clasped his hands together as he caught up to the other. “Great. What do you want to eat?”

Sehyoon could hear excitement in Byeongkwan’s voice. He was slowly being exposed to the different side of the other male and he didn’t know if he liked the idea of it or not.

 

*******

 

“I can’t wait to lay down in a comfortable bed.” Junhee cried out, stretching on the backseat of Byeongkwan’s car. Donghun was driving them again. They were following behind one of the villagers’ car. The only kind of hotel they could found at 2 in the morning was a house villagers’ rented out on such occasions. Junhee could only hope that the beds there were comfortable. Everyone was exhausted and sleepy. So the atmosphere was dull inside the car. Donghun kept yawning. Yuchan was already sleeping soundlessly on Sehyoon’s shoulder, hugging the plushie Byeongkwan won for him tight in his arms. He did tire himself out to the fullest today and ate so much cotton candy, Junhee couldn’t believe someone would ever be able to fit in their stomach. Donghun scolded him for buying Yuchan so much sweets, but it made younger male happy and excited and Junhee couldn’t bother to care. Byeongkwan was looking through something in his phone, while Sehyoon kept rubbing circles on Yuchan’s arm.

“Did you have a good time, Sehyoon?” Junhee found himself asking. Sehyoon’s head whipped towards him. He found Sehyoon’s reactions cute every time Junhee made an attempt to talk to him. He looked surprised that Junhee was talking to him or maybe his expression meant something, but if it did, Junhee couldn’t really understand.

“I did.” Sehyoon answered. “Did you?” Then added. He was trying to sound polite. Junhee resisted a laugh. How could both brothers’ be so cute he couldn't explain.

“I did too. It reminded me of high school. Three of us used to go to lots of festivals back then. It was so much fun.” He answered, looking through his old, high school memories. They used to be so silly and carefree back then, skipping school, sneaking out late at nights, going out on late night drives without any destinations. It was one of the reasons why they decided to challenge the road trip. They wanted to do something like this since their high school years and they finally managed to go through their plans this year. He was glad they didn’t push it again in the future or they wouldn’t meet Yuchan and Sehyoon then. He liked them. A lot. Even though he didn’t show it much to Sehyoon, he enjoyed going around with them. It was more exciting with new people. He was glad Byeongkwan didn’t say no to their request to tag along with them. While he was lost in his thoughts his eyes unconsciously found sleeping Yuchan. He was so glad he got to meet the younger. He was so naïve and free from this world’s prejudices. He won Junhee’s heart just in a second. Yuchan was something Junhee and Donghun needed in their life. He brought a new sparkle in their relationship. Though Junhee didn’t know how to tell Donghun that and he couldn't believe something like that could happen in just a few days. He was slightly confused and unsure. He also knew that Yuchan would have to leave soon, which he didn’t want to think of. He was sure none of them wanted for the brothers to part ways with them. He just hoped he would come up with some kind of plan before it was too late. They had know each other less than a week, but he felt like he had know yuchan for more than just a few days. He felt so familiar and dear to them. Junhee didn’t really believe in past lives, but he thought maybe they had meet somewhere, someplace before that. He couldn’t explain the connection younger shared with him and Donghun in any other ways.

“Were you serious when you told him you would take him in if he were to learn how to play on a guitar?” Sehyoon’s voice pulled him out of his thoughts. He was surprised by the sudden question. He didn’t expect Sehyoon to ask him.

“I was.” He confirmed. And he was. He would take Yuchan in without giving it a second thought. Only if Sehyoon would allow it. He wanted to know why Sehyoon asked, but he also didn’t want to know. Park Junhee for the first time in his life was afraid of hearing the answer.

 

*******

 

Sehyoon carefully laid Yuchan down on the small bed. Younger hadn’t been disturbed by their arrival and Sehyoon carried him to their new hotel room. He took Yuchan’s shoes off before pulling a soft blanket over his body and tucking him in. He leaned down and pressed a kiss on younger’s forehead. Yuchan murmured something incoherent and shifted in bed. Sehyoon was about to undress himself when soft sound of knocking caught his attention. The door creaked slowly and he immediately pulled his t-shirt back down.

“I.. I’m sorry.” It was Donghun.

“It’s alright. What is it?” Sehyoon asked, trying to sound polite.

“Just wanted to tell you that we won’t be leaving until late afternoon tomorrow, so get as much rest as you can.” Donghun told him, his eyes rested on Yuchan’s covered body.

“Okay, thanks. Goodnight, Donghun.” Sehyoon was ready to bid him a goodbye, but the other male didn’t buldge from his place on the doorway.

“I.. What happened today? Why was he crying?” Donghun asked, he looked uncomfortable. He probably didn’t feel comfortable about inquiring with their lives, but his curiosity must had won over his usual politeness.

“It was nothing. We solved it already.” Sehyoon tried to shrug him off. He didn’t want to talk about it with anyone, much less Donghun.

“I’m not forcing you to tell me. I.. Just know that you can trust us if you need help.” Donghun gave him a sad smile before disappearing from the doorway. Sehyoon was taken aback by his words. He quietly closed the door of his and Yuchan’s bedroom, forehead leaned against it.

“Why do you keep insisting on helping us?” He asked no one in particular. His question was answered by Yuchan’s quiet murmur. He smiled and walked over to his bed. Byeongkwan’s whale plushy was staring up at him. It reminded him of the other male. Sehyoon shoved it inside his backpack. His hand came across the plastic bag Byeongkwan gave him few hours ago. He fished it out and sat down on the bed. He had an idea of what it was. He didn’t know why Byeongkwan thought he needed them. There was a small pack of cotton, band aids, some liquid to clean wounds and a cream to heal burnt skin. Bitter laugh escaped his lips. He shoved the plastic bag back inside the backpack. He didn’t need it. He wouldn’t use it. The angry burns on his arms were to ease his pain and they were doing their purpose right until now. Byeongkwan didn’t know anything. He never would. No matter how hard he tried, Sehyoon wouldn’t let him. This fight was lost for Sehyoon, he just hoped he could win it for Yuchan before it was too late.

 

**Chapter Fourteen**

 

It was early morning when Sehyoon woke up. The only window of their room was wide open, letting in loud chirping sounds of birds and early morning’s chill.

He looked over to Yuchan’s bed. Younger was sleeping peacefully, his chest rising up and down in a relaxed motion. He was still clutching tightly onto his plushie. He looked so much like his little self Sehyoon’s heart burned with ache. He looked innocent, naïve and pure. His hair had grown a bit, starting to slightly curl, which added more childishness to his looks. Sehyoon loved him so much. He loved him more than he had ever loved himself.

He suddenly felt a desire to draw. He hadn’t drawn in so long he wasn’t sure if his hands still remembered how to do it. He dug inside his backpack, until his hands found the subject of their desires - a small sketchbook and black ink.

He run through it carefully. His heart burned with desire, with forgotten, lost dreams of his childhood. The last drawing was his own self portrait. It looked disturbing, but that was how he truly felt.

His hands automatically started working as soon as black ink touched the unblemished, white paper. He didn’t had anything particular he wanted to draw in mind. Most of the time he never did. His drawings shaped themselves little by little, independent from Seyhoon. Outcomes were sometimes surprising even to him. Sometimes they were things he had no idea he was thinking of. His hands worked as if they had a mind of their own. A mind that resembled Sehyoon’s true self and buried desires.

He carefully put the ink away after finishing the last touch of his drawing. His eyes slowly took in what his carefully drawn lines had became. It was Yuchan, smiling but not. It was Yuchan until you took a closer look, convinced yourself that your eyes weren’t lying. It was Yuchan until it was torns and cuts and burns and blemishes that had taken the shape of his younger brother’s smiling face.

His throat burnt. He hated his drawings. He checked the time, it was no longer early morning. Quite some time had gone while he was busy making disturbing portrait of his younger brother. He closed the sketchbook and placed it safely back to its place in his backpack.

He changed and left the room in search of cold water. His throat was burning with thirst. He walked down the stairs, careful to not make any disturbing sound. He wasn’t sure if others were awake or still sleeping like Yuchan. He heard quiet humming coming from the room just beside the staircase. He carefully peeked inside. It was Byeongkwan standing beside the sink. He looked like he had just woken up, his hair was sticking out in every direction. His clothes were oversized and hung on his frame. He sensed Sehyoon’s presence as soon as Sehyoon stepped over the doorway.

“Sehyoon.” He said before adding. “Good morning.”

“Good morning.” Sehyoon replied as he paddled in. He looked around in hopes of finding a glass.

“They’re in here.” Byeongkwan pointed him to the cupboard beside the sink reading through Sehyoon’s movements without much effort.

“Thanks.” Sehyoon mumbled to himself as he walked over to the cupboard and got himself some water. He chugged it down in one go. Byeongkwan stood in silence, puzzled expression on his face. Sehyoon filled his cup once more before walking out of the kitchen. Byeongkwan followed him out, but he didn’t say anything. He just whispered quiet see you later before Sehyoon disappeared behind the door of his room.

Yuchan stirred from his slumber when Sehyoon placed the glass of water on the small nighstand between their beds.

“Good morning, Sehyoon.” Yuchan greeted him in a sleepy voice, stretching out on his bed.

“Good morning, Chan.” He sat down on the bed, observing the younger.

“What time is it?” Yuchan asked as he rolled around before facing him.

“Almost 11.” Sehyoon answered after checking the time on his watch.

“11?” Yuchan gasped, sitting up on the bed. “But.. But the others..” He started in a panicked voice.

“They are still sleeping I think. Byeongkwan was awake few minutes ago tho.” He reassured the panicked younger, who breathed out a relieved sigh.

“I thought.. We always leave so early, so I thought they had left already.” Yuchan flopped back down on his bed. He lifted the plushie above his face, grinning up at it.

“Donghun said we would be leaving late today, so I didn’t wake you up.” Yuchan rolled over and gave him a grateful smile. He held his hand out for Sehyoon, who took it immediately.

“Thank you so much, Sehyoon.” Younger whispered, warm smile adorning his face.

“For what?” Sehyoon asked, he didn’t understand what Yuchan was thanking him for. He should be the one thanking Yuchan.

“For everything.” Younger’s smile widened. His eyes looked dreamy. He looked happier than ever.

 


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi there.  
> First of all, thanks a lot everyone for reading this story. It's always so nice to see comments and kudos left on your work. (^^-^^)  
> I think i'm turning this story in a mess, but i hope it's only me who thinks like that.  
> It's always nice to hear what others think of my characters, so let me know your thoughts. It helps me improve them and my writings. Any idea is kindly acceptable.  
> This chapter contains descriptions of panic attack and self harm, so please proceed with caution.  
> I didn't get to fix mistakes as usual, so i apologize for that.  
> Hope you will enjoy reading this chapter.

 

*******

 

Yuchan sat on grass under the big tree with Donghun and Junhee. They were having their second guitar lesson. Junhee was teaching him how to play a small melody that reminded Yuchan of one of the songs his mother used to sing for him before bed. Sehyoon quietly observed them from afar. He was sitting on the wooden stairs, head leaned against the staircase. Yuchan looked happy. He could hear his cheerful, carefree laughter to where he sat. Yuchan was happy and Sehyoon’s heart ached, not with pain but with happiness. Maybe he could find a way to keep his younger brother somehow tied with two band members. Maybe there was another way. Maybe Sehyoon needed to look harder and deeper to find it and he sweared that if there was something that could keep Yuchan as happy as younger did right now he would find it. He would find impossible for Yuchan.

“Hey.” Sehyoon didn’t need to look up to know it was Byeongkwan. No one else started conversation with just simple hey except him.

“Hi.” He softly murmured in response.

“How are you?” Byeongkwan sat down beside him. Sehyoon pressed himself against the hard staircase, keeping safe distance between them. He found himself not daring to look at Byeongkwan, so he kept his eyes straight ahead, looking through the trio under the tree.

“I’m fine.” He whispered and Byeongkwan laughed.

“Honestly, Sehyoon, honestly.” He nudged Sehyoon on the side and the other's head immediately flung up at his direction. “I’m sorry.” Byeongkwan apologized. Sehyoon wanted to ask him to leave. He wanted to be left alone, quietly, with his thoughts.

“I told you to not ask if you don’t want to be lied to.” He reminded Byeongkwan of their yesterday's exchange.

“I will keep asking until I won’t be lied to.” He gave Sehyoon a confident smile. The other male averted his eyes, turning them back ahead.

They sat in silence for a while. It wasn’t uncomfortable. Byeongkwan could sit like this, beside Sehyoon who was lost in his thoughts, for hours.

“Why can’t you just leave me alone?” Sehyoon was the one who broke the silence. Byeongkwan turned to face him, but Sehyoon was looking somewhere ahead, his gaze unfocused. Byeongkwan wasn’t sure if the other male was talking to him or someone else. Someone in his thoughts.

“Sehyoon?” Byeongkwan tried quietly, checking if the other was in fact talking to him. Sehyoon remained in the same state. He looked like he didn’t even heard Byeongkwan. “Sehyoon?” He tried again, his hand unconsciously found its way on Sehyoon’s shoulder. The other male violently jolted as soon as Byeongkwan’s hand came in touch with his t-shirt.

“Don’t.” Sehyoon breathed out, smacking his hand away. “Don’t touch me.” Byeongkwan heard warning in Sehyoon’s tone. He wanted to claw his brain out for acting without his consent. He knew Sehyoon didn’t like to be touched by someone other than his younger brother and he wanted to know the reason behind that. He wanted to know so much.  _What happened to you, Sehyoon?_   _What happened to you that broke you so hard?_

“I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to. I.. I.. Are you alright?” He pushed himself back to give Sehyoon more space.

Sehyoon laughed at his words. He didn’t expect him to laugh. His laugh was pained, but nevertheless beautiful. Sehyoon looked utterly beautiful when he laughed. Byeongkwan tried to imagine how much more beautiful he would have looked if pain was abscent from his smile, how much more breathtaking it would have been if Sehyoon’s eyes also smiled. Byeongkwan wanted to see a real smile on Sehyoon’s face. The one that wasn’t induced with pain. The one that screamed happiness. The one that used to adorn Sehyoon’s face before he was broken.

“I’m fine, Byeongkwan. I’m fine.” Sehyoon reassured him with a small smile on his face. It was the same smile he used to convince his younger brother that he was fine whenever Yuchan asked if something was bothering him. Sehyoon was lying. Of course, he was. Byeongkwan knew it since the first day of their encounter. Their eyes met for a second and the harsh truth came crashing down on Byeongkwan - there was no sign of hope left in Sehyoon’s dark eyes. He was slowly putting pieces to pieces of Sehyoon’s mysteries together and he was coming to realize that Sehyoon was broken beyond fixing. He was out of Byeongkwan’s touch.

Byeongkwan wanted to talk to him, ask him questions, learn more about him. But he didn't. Because Sehyoon wouldn’t tell him anything that was close to the truth and Byeongkwan didn’t want to hear lies. He didn’t want to know Sehyoon that wasn’t real. He wanted to know the brutal truth behind Sehyoon’s pain and hopelessness. No matter how hard it would be to listen to it, he wanted to hear every detail of how Sehyoon came to be the person he was now, what broke him to the extent he had no hope left.

So he remained silent, quietly observing the other male, hoping that Sehyoon’s actions would tell him something, show him something that was closer to the truth, something that wouldn’t give false impression of what kind of person Sehyoon really was to Byeongkwan. He wanted to know the naked truth. He didn’t want to hear lies. Not about Sehyoon. Not from Sehyoon.

 

*******

 

Byeongkwan was back on the driver's seat. They left the village after lunch. Everyone had their energy restored and looked more energetic than the day before. Byeongkwan himself was feeling much better, previous shock from his late night encounter with Sehyoon’s monsters was gone and it was replaced with utmost concern and curiosity. He had made a promise to himself that he would never let Sehyoon hurt himself again, not until he was within Byeongkwan’s sight.

Sehyoon sat on the passenger seat, distracting Byeongkwan even with his smallest movements from time to time. Sehyoon didn’t say or do much. He just sat quietly, staring out of the window, eyes following the sceneries beside the road. Byeongkwan wanted to ask what he was thinking about, what was keeping him so silent and still, but he wouldn’t. because Sehyoon wouldn’t tell him the truth no matter how much he pried. But Byeongkwan wasn’t giving up on the other male, on finding all the mysteries of Sehyoon. He just needed to find some other way, something different that would let him slip inside the walls Sehyoon had built around himself. Byeongkwan sweared to himself that he would find a crack somewhere on those walls no matter what it took. He would meet real Sehyoon, the one behind the façade.

He felt Sehyoon’s gaze shift on him. He must have stared for too long. He averted his eyes back on the road.

 

*******

 

Sehyoon glanced back to the occupants of the backseat. Their today’s class had been very successful, making Yuchan and Junhee talk about it non-stop, driving the other three crazy with their endless banter. Even now, they were still going through their lesson, reviewing what they had covered so far. Donghun was quiet, he looked deep in his thoughts. His eyes were fixed on the other two, but Sehyoon was sure he couldn’t hear anything his boyfriend and Yuchan were saying. He looked absent from the car.

He turned his attention to Byeongkwan who was driving silently. He looked just as deep in his thoughts as his best friend, brows furrowed. Sehyoon didn’t mean to stare, but his curiosity won over him. His body unconsciously shifted itself in the passenger seat, his eyes slowly took in the appearance of the other male. Byeongkwan had blond hair, his bangs covered his forehead. He looked relaxed in his seat. He wore sleeveless top. Skin on his arms were slightly red because of the sun. Byeongkwan’s exposed skin was milky white. Sehyoon wondered if he wasn’t afraid of getting burns. Sehyoon had never really paid much attention to Byeongkwan’s appearance before, but he realized that the other male was good looking. All of the three best friends were good looking in fact. But Sehyoon didn’t care about people’s looks, he didn’t really care about anything right now except Yuchan and Yuchan’s happiness. He turned his eyes away from Byeongkwan. He couldn’t let the other male distract him from his purposes. He was there to protect Yuchan and only Yuchan.

Breathy sigh unconsciously left his lips and it caught the attention of the other male. Byeongkwan glanced at him. His gaze was curious. Sehyoon learnt in these past few days that Byeongkwan was always curious, about anything and everything. But he wasn’t curious like Junhee was. He had his own way of expressing his curioisity. He observed, while Junhee asked.

For less than a second, Sehyoon met Byeongkwan’s eyes. Sun shone on Byeongkwan’s face, his warm chocolate brown eyes lit by the sunlight. Sehyoon found them entrancing and forced himself to turn his gaze away. He couldn’t afford being distracted.

“You alright?” Byeongkwan asked. Sehyoon always found himself holding back a bitter laugh at his questions. _Are you alright? Was he?_ He wasn’t and he was sure Byeongkwan knew that he wasn’t. He just didn’t have any other way of asking. Sehyoon knew Byeongkwan could only hope that he would give him an honest answer some day. Which Sehyoon wouldn’t. Because he didn’t want to burden anyone anymore. He had burdened himself enough already.

“Of course.” Sehyoon answered and noticed how fast expression on Byeongkwan’s face changed. The other male was trying hard to seem patient with him, probably hoping to not scare him away, give him a chance to open up by himself. However, Sehyoon was already scared. He had been for so long. He had been scared since he was 12, since he could properly remember. He was scared of any kind of human interaction that didn’t involve his younger brother. He was startled by even the slightest touch. Sehyoon knew Byeongkwan’s patience wouldn’t last for long and he hoped that it would run out fast so the other male would leave him alone with his own struggles. His past had broken Sehyoon, had tainted Yuchan and he didn’t need one more innocent person dragged in the madness that was Kim Sehyoon’s life.

“Good.” Byeongkwan mumbled. Sehyoon didn’t expect this answer. He expected usual _honestly, Sehyoon, honestly_   that didn’t come. Byeongkwan must have decided to change his strategy of appreaching Sehyoon. He needed to outsmart the other male’s plans. He wouldn’t let Byeongkwan get closer than he already had. Sehyoon didn’t need Byeongkwan dragged in something as dark as Sehyoon’s mind. It was a dangerous place. Getting inside was easy, getting out almost an impossible task, even Sehyoon struggled to found the way out most of the time. He couldn’t let Byeongkwan in, he couldn’t let the other male get trapped. Sehyoon’s life was ruined. It had been for as long as he could remember. His life had ruined Yuchan’s, the most precious person’s in Sehyoon’s life. He couldn’t let his dark thoughts engulf and destroy another person’s life ever again. Sehyoon wouldn’t. He was a coward, he knew. But he wouldn’t let his cowardice hurt one more person.

“Se.. Sehyoon.” He heard quiet call of his name from the backseat. He knew it was Yuchan. It took his mind several seconds to register the panic in his younger brother’s voice. His head immediately snapped back, eyes frantically searching for Yuchan. His eyes first landed on Junhee, who looked shaken before finding Yuchan. They were no longer engaged in their usual conversations. Instead younger was looking down at his own hands that were shaking frantically. Sehyoon heard Yuchan struggle for breath. He wanted to reach out for the younger but he felt frozen in time. He felt like everyone else did, except Yuchan and his trembling hands. “Sehyoon.” Younger choked out and everyone immediately snapped back to life.

“Stop the car!” He heard himself say, his tone loud and sharp. “Byeongkwan stop the car!” He ordered and the car immediately came to a halt, wheels screeching against the road.

“Wha.. What’s happening?” He heard Junhee ask in shaken voice.

“Everyone leave the car please.” Sehyoon demanded and he could hear pleas in his own voice. Everyone immediately scrambled out of the car, probably taking the note of desperation in Sehyoon’s tone and frantic shaking of Yuchan’s body. He climbed on the backseat, holding tightly onto Yuchan’s hands.

“Breath, Chan. Slowly. Breath slowly. It’s gonna be alright. Just breath. Everything is gonna be alright.” He rubbed the back of Yuchan’s hands with his thumbs, trying to give some kind of comfort to the younger. “Concentrate on me please. I’m here. It’s alright. I’m here.” He pulled younger in a bone crashing hug, trying to reduce the trembling of his brother’s body.

Yuchan was struggling to breath, eyes wide and gaze unfocused. He looked lost and scared and Sehyoon could only hope that his hold was enough to help younger overcome a sudden attack.

Yuchan was having fun and looked fine just a second ago, discussing his guitar classes with Junhee and now, a second later, he was trembling frantically, losing control over his body and gasping for air in Sehyoon's arms.

“It’s alright. It will be alright.” He kept repeating, rubbing circles on younger's back, hoping that what he he was doing was enough.

He didn’t know how long they were sitting like this on the backseat of Byeongkwan’s car. Sehyoon hugging younger tightly against his chest. Yuchan clinging onto him for his dear life. Sehyoon felt like years had passed. When younger finally calmed down, his breathing returned to its regular order, his body no longer shook frantically and regained control on his arms only then did Sehyoon remembered the existence of the other three males. He glanced over Yuchan’s shoulder, his eyes landed on pale faced Junhee, who was leaning against Donghun, who had worry written on his face. Byeongkwan stood beside them, still. He looked just as worried as the others. Sehyoon felt sharp pain in his chest. He knew it was too late. He knew he had already dragged them in their mess of a life. He just hoped they wouldn’t ask questions, they wouldn't try to get in further. He had no answers even if they asked. He couldn't tell them anything. He didn't know what to tell. He needed to talk to Yuchan. He needed to know if this was the first time he was experiencing a panic attack and if it wasn't, since when did he start to have them. Sehyoon had missed out quite some time from Yuchan’s life. When he thought he had kept his eyes on younger’s well being even from afar, he really hadn’t. He just realized how much of a failure he was to his younger brother. Everything, every single single that Yuchan had to go through was Sehyoon’s fault, because he was once so selfish that he forgot that his younger brother only had him left in his life. Sehyoon wanted to hurt himself so much his heart burned. He wanted to hurt himself until his brother’s pain was gone, until Yuchan’s pain became Sehyoon’s. He wanted to hurt himself and hurt his uncle for breaking Yuchan, for breaking an innocent boy’s life who only wanted to do good in the world and bring happiness to others.

Just when Sehyoon thought Yuchan was going to be alright, Sehyoon’s past life choices had to catch up and ruin younger’s newly found happiness.

Sehyoon hated himself to the extent he thought hurting himself wouldn’t be enough.

Yuchan’s life was ruined all because of his older brother.  

“Sehyoon, water.. Can I have some water?” Yuchan asked, his voice was small and still shaken. Sehyoon immediately hovered over the passenger seat to dig water bottle out of his backpack. He opened it for the younger before handing the bottle to him. Yuchan immediately chugged it down.

“Slowly, Chan.” Sehyoon warned him softly. He watched quietly as younger came back to his usual self little by little. “Channie.” He started, he didn’t know if it was okay to ask, but he needed to know. Yuchan’s bloodshot eyes trained on him. “Is this.. Is this the first time?” He asked, forcing words out of his mouth. Yuchan’s eyes shifted downwards. He shook his head in response. Sehyoon’s heart was on the verge of dying and he wished it would. Soon. Fast enough. He wished it would stop beating and free him from all the pain and hurt. “When.. When did it start?” Sehyoon asked again, he needed to know. He was desperate.

“I.. I had the.. The first one.. After.. After the third.. Sehyoon I can’t..” Tears started brimming in younger’s eyes. Sehyoon could understand in how much pain his brother was going through. He also understood what younger wanted to say, but couldn't finish.

“Why Chan, why didn’t you tell me?” Sehyoon pleaded. He was desperate. He needed to know what else younger had gone through in his absence so he could try to fix every part of Yuchan that was broken by their uncle.

“I.. I thought it wouldn’t.. Wouldn’t happen anymore after we left.” Younger said in a small voice, his hands curled into fists, knuckles white. Sehyoon knew it would be a mistake to pry further. Yuchan was on the edge. He pulled younger in a hug.

“You need to tell me everything, chan. I need to know something isn’t right in order to fix it.” Sehyoon whispered and felt Yuchan’s fingers clutch onto his t-shirt. He knew talking about it hurt. He knew more than anyone else, because every time he tried to talk about it he couldn’t. Because it put his whole being under so much pain. But Yuchan wasn’t him and he needed Yuchan to endure the pain and tell him everything Sehyoon needed to know in order to make younger’s messed up life right. Yuchan wasn't like his older brother, he was braver and Sehyoon needed him to use his bravery right now.

“I.. I think.. I think I’m not okay, Sehyoon.” Yuchan sobbed out and if it weren't for his younger brother Sehyoon would have died right on the spot from the pain caused by the words that left Yuchan’s mouth. Truth hurt, but it was better than lies, because lies hurt more in the end.

“I know, Chan. I know you are not and I want you to stop pretending that you are. I want you to tell me when you don’t feel right. I need you to completely trust me, so I can make everything right, okay Chan?” He gently pulled younger away from his chest, looking straight into his eyes. Sparkles were gone. Yuchan was back to where they started from.

“I promise, Sehyoon.” Younger said, broken smile appearing on his face.

“You deserve to be happy, Chan.” Sehyoon whispered and pulled him back in his arms.

“You do too, Sehyoon.” Yuchan whispered back. Sehyoon didn’t deserve happiness, because he was the one who took Yuchan’s away once.

 

*******

 

“Channie?” Came a soft voice from the outside. Both of the brothers’ heads whipped towards the open door. It was Junhee standing beside the car, looking at them with worried eyes. Sehyoon once again had completely forgotten about the others.

Yuchan’s head snapped towards Junhee. He wiggled out of Sehyoon’s hold, arms outstretched towards the other male, who immediately understood what Yuchan was asking for and pulled him in a hug.

“Is it alright now?” Junhee whispered quietly. Yuchan nodded, hiding his face in the crook of Junhee’s neck.

“Sehyoon.” Sehyoon whipped around in his seat at the unexpected call of his name. Donghun was standing on the other side of the car. “We need to talk.” He added and gestured Sehyoon to jump down from the car.

“Now?” Sehyoon asked, sounding a bit lost. Donghun nodded and stepped away to give him enough space to get out. Sehyoon didn’t want to talk right now. He didn’t know what to say and he was sure he wouldn’t know later.

“Let him be, Donghun. Whatever it is, it can wait.” Byeongkwan appeared from behind the car, concerned look noticeable on his face.

“It can’t. I need to have a word with him.” Donghun said, sounding determined.

“He’s shaken. Let him be.” Byeongkwan repeated, but Donghun kept looking at Sehyoon expectantly. Sehyoon sighed and jumped down from the car.

“It’s okay.” He whispered to Byeongkwan, who opened his mouth to argue but changed his mind last second. Sehyoon quietly trailed behind Donghun after giving last glance to Yuchan, who was still trapped in Junhee’s embrace, older male was running his fingers though Yuchan's hair, humming something softly to give younger some peace of mind.

Donghun stopped on his tracks when they were quiet some distance away from the car. He didn’t remember what he originally wanted to tell Sehyoon, but he knew it had to do everything with Yuchan. His mind was a tangled mess. He was worried and lost and angry, but he didn’t know where the anger came from. Sehyoon stopped a step away from him, he looked worried and lost and angry, but the emotions he radiated were much more intense than Donghun’s.

“Sehyoon, listen. I know you don’t want to tell us anything and you don’t trust us, but we need to know some things, alright? Especially in such cases. We have the right to know. I know we are practically strangers and this may sound crazy, but we care okay? All three of us. We care about you both and we need to help, okay? I need to know what’s wrong with Chan. I want to help. I can't just stand around and watch when he needs it. I’m not asking you to tell us everything or trust us blindly, but we will help. Whatever it is we will help you with it, but you need to tell us a little about it, okay? We are completely clueless and do you know how nerve wrecking it is to see Chan freak out on us and not being able to do anything but just to stand still and watch? You need to tell us something, Sehyoon. We need to know. For your, for Yuchan's sake. We care about you both. I.. I.. I care about Yuchan so much.. I can’t just stand by and watch him.. Watch him.. I.. I don’t know.. Hurt himself.” Donghun said breathlessly, running hand through his hair. He was frustrated.

Sehyoon knew that they wanted to know and he knew that they had all the right to do so, because he was the one that dragged them in his mess and he needed to tell them things, but he didn’t know what to say, where to start from. He was scared that if he were to tell them even the slightest bits of his and Yuchan’s story they would push themselves away from the brothers. He was scared that if two band singers left, Yuchan would tear himself apart. He was scared and lost and he just couldn’t shoulder so much pain anymore. He wanted to give up, give up on everything, on himself, on his life, but what he wanted had to wait and wasn’t important enough when Yuchan’s happiness was at stock. He couldn’t give up, just not now. Just not yet. Not until Yuchan was healed and no longer suffering.

“I.. I can’t.” He started off, trailing on his own words. “I don’t know what.. What to say.. We.. I need to talk to Chan.. We..” He choked on every word that left his mouth. Donghun stepped closer to him, hand stretched out. Sehyoon wanted to slap it away, but forced himself to stay still. The other male’s hand rested on his shoulder, squeezing it in a comforting manner. Sehyoon felt himself starting to shake.

“I understand. Tell us when you are ready. Ta.. Take your time. But you need to tell us, Sehyoon. You can’t carry all the burden yourself. Sometimes it’s better to trust people. Not everyone wants to hurt you.” Donghun told him softly. He squeezed Sehyoon’s shoulder one last time before walking back to the car.

Sehyoon stood there frozen, Donghun’s words replaying in his mind. _It’s better to trust people. Not everyone wants to hurt you._ But who could he trust when his own family betrayed him, tore him apart and broke him down. Broke him until there was no way of healing left. Who could he trust? Who was there to help them when their own family used their trust maliciously? When their own family shattered them down. Just who was there for him to trust?

He remained frozen on the same place and it felt like centuries passed. He didn’t move, he couldn’t. He was lost in darkness his mind presented. He screamed but nobody could hear his silent cries.

“Sehyoon?” He heard someone call for him, but it sounded distant. “Sehyoon?” The voice kept repeating his name, until it pulled him out of his trace, bringing him back to reality his mind struggled so hard to escape. His eyes slowly started to focus on the person in front of him. It was Byeongkwan, looking worried. _It was always Byeongkwan_. His hand was outstretched, but it didn’t touch Sehyoon. It was simply hovering above Sehyoon's shoulder.

“Everything is alright now.” Byeongkwan said softly as if he was trying to comfort a crying, lost child. “Let’s go.” He retreated his hand and gestured him towards the car. Sehyoon wanted to believe his words so much. He wanted to believe that everything was alright, but he knew it wasn’t. He knew it wouldn’t be for a long time. He just nodded and followed Byeongkwan behind, Donghun’s words still echoing themselves in his mind.

_It’s better to trust people. Not everyone wants to hurt you._

 

*******

 

Yuchan passed out few minutes after they got back on the road. Sehyoon didn’t want to continue their journey with the other three anymore, but he had no choice. He couldn’t put Yuchan under so much pain just an hour later of experiencing a panic attack. He didn't know where to go even if they were to part ways with the others. He was completely lost.

Yuchan was sleeping beside him on the backseat, his face buried in Sehyoon’s chest. He had one arm wrapped around his brother, while another desperately clutched onto Junhee’s fingers. Sehyoon’s gaze landed on Yuchan’s and Junhee’s intertwining fingers. Older male was rubbing his thumb on the back of younger’s hand, giving him comfort. He was awfully quiet, so unlike of himself, lost in thought looking out of the car. His eyes trailed from Junhee to Byeongkwan on the driver’s seat. He seemed tense, alerted look on his face. Sehyoon noticed that his knuckles were turned white. Byeongkwan was clutching steering wheel with his fingers so hard. Sehyoon averted his gaze from him. He couldn’t bear looking at such sight. It was Donghun’s turn for his eyes to fall on. He looked stressed and worried. He had eyes closed, but Sehyoon could feel that he wasn’t sleeping. He was just trying to calm himself down. Sehyoon hated that he had ruined their plans, the road trip they had worked so hard on. He hated himself that he ruined their fun, their future memories and hoped that he wouldn’t end up breaking them, because wherever Sehyoon went he brought disaster with him.

“Sehyoon.” Came a familiar call of his name. He focused his gaze on Byeongkwan.

“Yes?” He heard himself answer.

“Don’t do that to yourself.” Byeongkwan told him gently. Junhee’s head turn to them. Donghun opened his eyes.

“I’m not doing anything.” He replied. He wasn’t doing anything to himself physically and Byeongkwan somehow could understand that.

“Whatever you are thinking just stop.” Byeongkwan said. Sehyoon opened his mouth to answer but the next word that left Byeongkwan’s mouth dried his own in his throat. “Please.” He could hear a silent plea. He knew what Byeongkwan was asking him to stop. He knew it well. However, he didn’t know how to stop. He wished he did, but he didn’t. He had lost the ability of stopping it long time ago.

“I..” A voice suddenly cut in. It was Junhee. When Sehyoon turned his attention to him tears were already brimming in the other male’s eyes. Sehyoon hated that sight. He casted his eyes downwards, leaving them wondering on Yuchan’s pale face. “I think.. I think it was my fault.” Junhee cried out. It wasn’t his fault. Sehyoon knew that the only person in fault was himself.

“W.. What are you saying Jun?” He heard shuffling from the front. Donghun must have turned over to face his boyfriend.

“I.. I asked him something. I think.. It was my fault. I shouldn’t have asked.. I think it.. My question triggered his re.. Reaction.” By the time Junhee managed to finish his sentence tears were already streaming down on his face.

“Jun baby..” Donghun started, but Sehyoon’s question interrupted him.

“What did you ask?” His voice came out small and gentle. He tried his best to not add more guilt on the other male's shoulders. He just wanted to know what triggered his younger brother’s panic attack.

“I.. I’m sorry. I asked him why.. Why he wouldn’t sing for us.. I pried and he looked un.. Uncomfortable but.. But I still kept asking. I’m really sorry, Sehyoon.” Junhee tried to dry his tears with the back of his free hand, but they kept flowing. Sehyoon felt so bad. He couldn’t let himself break one more person, especially someone who had become precious to his younger brother.

“Don’t be. You didn’t know. You couldn’t possibly have known.” Sehyoon told him, hoping that it would be enough to reassure the band singer. He himself didn't know.

“I should have been more.. More considerate.” Junhee hiccuped. Donghun reached his hand out for his boyfriend to take. Junhee immediately held onto it with his free hand.

“It’s not your fault. It’s not.” _It’s mine._ Sehyoon whispered and let Donghun take care of the rest. He couldn’t comfort Junhee better than his own boyfriend would. His eyes trailed on Junhee’s and Donghun’s conjoined hands then shifted to Yuchan’s and Junhee’s intertwining fingers. He hoped he wouldn’t end up breaking three of them. He hoped he wouldn't have to break one more person.

He looked away. His eyes met Byeongkwan’s through the mirror. Byeongkwan gave him a smile. Sehyoon tried to find something else to look at.

 

*******

 

When they finally entered the city that was their final destination for the next two days it was around 9pm and everyone on the backseat was sleeping soundlessly, leaving Donghun and Byeongkwan wide awake. Yuchan hadn’t woken up since he blacked out after experiencing a panic attack. Junhee fall asleep after Donghun finally managed to calm him down and wipe away the last teardrop from his eyes. As for Sehyoon, he fell asleep not a long ago. Byeongkwan noticed how hard he tried to force himself to stay awake, but exhaustion must have taken over his body. Byeongkwan was sure if nothing else, worrying over Yuchan was killing him. He wanted to help. He wished he knew how. But even if he did, Sehyoon wouldn’t let him. He wouldn’t let anyone help them because something that had happened to him in the past had destroyed his ability to trust people.

He glanced at Donghun on the passenger seat. He had been quiet for the entire time, looking through his phone with utmost concentration.

“Everything alright, Hun?” He asked as they crossed the entrance border of the city.

“Yeah.” Donghun mumbled, not taking his eyes off the phone.

“You sure?” Byeongkwan tried again. He was curious what was keeping his friend on the edge of his seat. Donghun glanced at the occupants of the backseat before putting his phone away and turning to Byeongkwan.

“I was searching for the ways of helping someone who suffers from panic attacks.” Donghun explained quietly, careful to not disturb the others. Byeongkwan knew his best friend was worried. All three of them were.

“Anything helpful?” Donghun shook his head in disappointment at his question.

“Not really. I will look through it further later.” Donghun turned in his seat to observe their soundlessly sleeping companions. “What do you think have happened to them?” He asked few minutes later, eyes still focused on Junhee’s and Yuchan’s held hands.

“I wish I had an idea. My mind keeps coming up with so many crazy things I don’t want to think about any of them.” Byeongkwan answered. He honestly had no idea what could have happened to the brothers. His mind kept offering him various scenarios, but all of them were so awful he wished he had never thought about it in the first place. He just hoped none of what his mind came up with applied to the brothers. He hoped for it, but he also had a feeling that the truth wasn’t any better than his ideas. He just wished that Sehyoon would open up about their past and let them help him.

“Me too. I’m trying to put some pieces together, but most of my puzzle is missing. I feel like I only have three pieces out of the whole package.” No matter how he turned or looked at the small facts he knew about the brothers nothing made sense. He couldn’t connect the dots together. There was so much missing between them.

“Do you think they will tell us someday?” Byeongkwan finally voiced out the question that had been bothering him for so long.

“I’m not sure. I told Sehyoon that he needs to tell us and that we need to know, but.. He looked so shaken and lost I couldn’t force him to tell me anything. I just hope they will naturally learn to trust us in whatever short amount of time we have until they decide to leave.” Donghun’s eyes travelled from his boyfriend’s and Yuchan’s hands to sleeping Sehyoon, who was frowning in his sleep, fingers that were resting on Yuchan’s shoulder curled in fist.

“Do you not want them to leave, Hun?” Byeongkwan asked and Donghun turned to his best friend. _Did he want them to leave? Did he want Yuchan to be gone_? He didn’t. Of course, he didn’t. But he also couldn’t do anything to keep younger with him and Junhee. He couldn’t force them to stay. It wasn’t within his powers.

“I don’t know, Kwan. I don’t know.” Heavy sigh left his lips, he could feel ache in his heart. “Do you?”

“I think I don’t.” Byeongkwan answered, eyes automatically seeking Sehyoon through the mirror. No matter how demaged and broken the other male was, Byeongkwan didn’t want him gone. He wanted to try and mend all Sehyoon’s broken pieces little by little until they were no longer scattered around, until his real smile was back on his face, until his dark eyes smiled. “I don’t.” _want them to leave._

 

*******

 

“Jun? Jun baby wake up.” Donghun whispered softly as he tried to shake his boyfriend awake without disturbing the other two sleeping males.

“Wh.. What?”  One of Junhee's eyes cracked open, peering at Donghun through it.

“Hotel address. Where are we staying?” Donghun asked. Junhee yawned and straightened his back. His eyes roamed around the car and lingered on his and Yuchan’s conjoined hands.

“Oh, we’re in the city already.” He murmured, voice hoarse from sleep. Donghun nodded, waiting him to fully wake up. “I slept quite some time, huh?” He gave his boyfriend a smile. Donghun smiled back. He loved Junhee’s smile so much. It could make so much difference in his life.

“You did. You needed it. Do you feel better?” Donghun took Junhee’s free hand in his own, trapping it between his fingers.

“I do. Did he wake up while I was out?” He asked, concern making itself present on his face.

“No. He has been sleeping since then.” Donghun softly kissed Junhee’s hand. He was surprised that for the first time since Junhee and he got together Byeongkwan didn’t grumbled at their open display of affection. Donghun wondered just how much could have changed in a few days. “Let’s talk about everything later. We need to find hotel right now.” He promised Junhee that they would talk about everything that had happened in the past days. He knew they needed to talk.

“Yeah. Okay. Let me get the address.” Donghun let go of his hand so Junhee could find his cellphone and look for the hotel address he had booked ahead.

“Here.” Few minutes later Junhee handed him his cellphone. GPS suddenly went off startling every occupant of the car. Yuchan and Sehyoon jolted from their slumbers, disorientated.

“Sehyoon.” Yuchan immediately called out for his brother, confused about his whereabouts.

“I’m here, Chan. Calm down.” Sehyoon’s hold tightened around the younger’s shoulder, pushing him closer to himself. Yuchan breathed out in relief eyes adjusting to his surroundings. Soft smile spreaded out on his lips when his eyes landed on Donghun who was still turned over in his seat.

“Hello.” Donghun whispered and younger greeted back. He looked tired and pale. Donghun felt so bad about waking him up like that. “I’m so sorry for the disturbance. We will be arriving at our hotel soon, so you can get proper rest.” He gave him an apologetic smile.

“It’s okay. I’m.. I’m alright. I’ve had enough rest.” Yuchan tried to reassure him, but his voice and eyes proved otherwise. His voice was full of fatigue, eyes tired. His usual energy absent from them. Donghun gave him a nod.

“Are you hungry?” Yuchan nodded back. “We will order dinner at the hotel. Just wait a little bit, okay?”

“Okay. Thanks, Hun.” Younger gifted him with thankful smile. Something in Donghun’s stomach crumbled.

 

*******

 

Yuchan was playing with his guitar when Sehyoon got out of the shower. He walked over to the bed and sat down beside his younger brother. Yuchan stopped playing and crawled beside him. He rested his head on the older’s shoulder. Sehyoon’s hand automatically reached up to rest on Yuchan’s hair, caressing it in a gentle manner.

“How are you feeling?” Sehyoon asked as he took Yuchan’s hand in his.

“I’m better. My head still feels slightly messed up, but I’m.. I’m feeling better.” Younger reassured him. Sehyoon felt relief wash over him.

“You’re going to be okay. I promise, Chan.” He turned his head slightly to press kiss on the top of Yuchan’s head.

“No.” Younger mumbled, looking up at Sehyoon through his lashes. He was about to ask what he meant by no, when his brother added. “Promise me that we will be fine. Not only me, but us.”

Sehyoon didn’t know if he could promise him that. He didn’t know if there was a chance for him to be alright. He only hoped that Yuchan would be fine some day.

“Please promise me, Sehyoon.” Younger pleaded. Sehyoon couldn’t. He didn’t want to keep making promises he couldn’t keep. There were things beyond Sehyoon’s ability to solve them, things like his own happiness, things like his own well being.

“I promise, Chan.” He found himself promising the younger. He hated himself for turning into a pathological liar.

“Pinky promise?” Yuchan held his pinkie out.

“Pinky promise.” Sehyoon hooked his own pinkie over younger's, sailing just another promise that would be forgotten with time.

They sat in silence after that. Sehyoon could hear Yuchan’s steady breathing. Younger was playing with Sehyoon’s fingers. He seemed deep in his thoughts. There was small frown noticeable between his brows. Sehyoon wanted to know what he was thinking of so hard, but he didn’t want to disturb him. Maybe he needed some alone time so much. Yuchan would tell him when he was ready. Younger always kept his promises compared to his older brother.

“Sehyoon?” Yuchan whispered a while later.

“What is it, Chan?” Sehyoon whispered back.

“Can I play the melody Junhee taught me for you?” Younger asked. Sehyoon couldn’t be happier.

“Of course.” Sehyoon kissed his head. Yuchan smiled to himself before climbing back on his side of bed where he had left his guitar.

 

*******

 

Junhee was already asleep when Donghun got out of the shower. He quietly walked over to the bed and slipped under covers beside his boyfriend. His arms unconsciously reached for the other’s body, pulling him close to his chest. He buried his face in Junhee’s neck, inhaling his scent. Junhee smelled so good. He always did. But he smelled especially good after showers. Donghun loved his scent. He loved everything about the other male.

Junhee turned over in his hold to face him. He placed a chaste kiss on Donghun’s shirtless body. Donghun kissed his head.

“How are you?” He murmured in Junhee’s ear.

“I’m tired and worried.” Junhee sounded tired and worried, making Donghun just as worried as he was.

“I want you to tell me everything that’s bothering you, okay?” He pulled his boyfriend as close as it was physically possible.

“I don’t know where to start.” Junhee said in a muffled voice.

“Start from the beginning. They’re always much better.” Donghun encouraged, running his fingers up and down junhee’s exposed spine.

“What do you think of Chan, Hun?” He asked, breath held.

“He’s a lovely boy, somehow broken, but unbearably lovely.” Donghun answered, hoping that his words wouldn’t cause any unnecessary damage. He was worried and afraid of harming his and Junhee’s long and loving relationship. He was afraid of hurting Junhee. All he ever wanted for them was to remain happy and in love.

“Donghun.” His boyfriend started, he slipped out of Donghun’s arms, sitting up against the headboard.

“What is it, Jun?” Donghun could hear his heart pounding in his ears. He was afraid of hearing what Junhee had to tell him.

“I.. I think.. This is going to sound so crazy, Hun.. I don’t know how to explain.. I don’t know how it could have happened so fast.. And I’m so scared, Hun..” Junhee’s gaze was frozen on the bare wall of their hotel room. Donghun was scared too. Probably just as scared as his boyfriend, if not more.

“Tell me what is it, Jun. You know I will understand.” He took Junhee’s hand in his, giving it a gentle squeeze. He would try his best to understand, to make everything better out of it.

“You always do.” Junhee whispered as he leaned his head on Donghun’s shoulder. “You always do, Hun.” He repeated, trying to find right words to explain himself. He didn't want to cause any unintentional harm. He needed to find the right words, he needed them more than ever. He couldn’t mess it up. He couldn’t mess up his and Donghun’s love and future. “Donghun.” He whispered few minutes later after silence between them got so intense and unbearable.

“Yes, Jun?” Donghun asked. Junhee could feel slight trembling of his hand. He was as scared as Junhee did.

“I.. I think.. I think I might love.. Love him, Hun.” Junhee whispered, his voice was so small Donghun almost missed his words. They hung in thick air between them. Donghun shifted on the bed, facing pale faced Junhee. He could feel his heart starting to crumble.

“But.. Does this mean.. Do you not love me anymore, Jun?” Donghun asked, his throat burned. It took so much courage to turn his thoughts into words. He was afraid of Junhee’s answer.

“I.. I do. Of course, I do, Hun. Of course, I do.” Junhee cried out, single tear rolling down on his cheek. “Of course, I do. I love you as much as I always have. I love you more than anything, Hun. I.. I.. I just think I also love him. When.. When I saw how scared and lost and terrified he looked today, I.. I realized that.. That I was so afraid.. Afraid of.. Of the idea of.. Of him leaving.. I don’t want him gone, Hun.. And I was so scared because.. I love you more than anything and what.. What I was coming to realize could harm out relationship.. And I don’t want anything to change between us.. I want us to always remain the same, Hun.. A bit silly, carefree and always in love.. I love you, Donghun. I really do. Please be.. Believe me when I say this.. I love you so much.” Junhee's voice was cracking the entire time. He was crying so hard. Donghun could feel his pain.

He found himself relieved at his boyfriend’s words. He was no longer scared. Because Junhee loved him and he loved Junhee more than anything in the world and he also knew loved Yuchan. As much as Junhee did. Just like Junhee did. He and Junhee were afraid of the same thing, Junhee was always just a bit braver than him and this was the Junhee he loved - brave and carefree and never afraid of showing his true colors. Junhee was never afraid of showing his love, their love to the world and Donghun loved him so much for it. He loved him so much for being brave for both of them, for giving Donghun just as much courage.

“Jun.” He started. He knew what to say. He was no longer afraid of hiding his feelings. He wanted Junhee to know, because he loved Junhee and he also loved Yuchan. “Jun, love.” He repeated, cupping Junhee’s tear strained cheeks with his hands. “I.. I love you. You know I do. I love you more than I love myself or anything else in this world and.. And.. Isn’t it so funny that I.. I also think I love him too?” He finally managed to confess his true feelings and he felt his body relax, his heart being put at ease. He needed to tell everything to Junhee. They needed this talk so much before it could become poisonous for their love. He was glad Junhee was brave enough to take step.

“Donghun.” A quiet gasp escaped Junhee’s lips. He looked shocked and surprised and relieved at the same time. Donghun loved him so much. “Donghun.” Before he could reply Junhee’s lips crushed onto his, arms sneaking around his neck. “Donghun.” Junhee whispered between the kiss.

“I love you, Jun.” He whispered back when they broke apart. Junhee was no longer scared, he was no longer pale faced and on the verge of fainting. He looked breathless and rose cheeked and happy and Donghun loved this sight so much.

“I love you too, Hun.” Junhee pecked him softly on the lips.

“And we both love Chan.” Relieved laugh escaped Donghun's mouth. Junhee loved this sound.

“We do.” He laughed in response, pulling Donghun down next to him.

They laid in silence for quite some time. Both of them lost in their thoughts, soft smiles adorning their faces. They looked happy and in love. Just as they always wished for themselves to be.

“What are we going to do, Hun?” Junhee asked, rolling on his side. He buried his face in Donghun’s chest.

“I don’t know. We will find a way.” Donghun said before pulling Junhee in his arms.

_Yuchan couldn’t leave. They would find a way to keep younger male by their side._

 

*******

 

Sehyoon couldn’t sleep. His mind was a mess. It always was. His thoughts hunted him. He tried to not let them engulf his whole existence, tried hard to concentrate on sleeping Yuchan beside him on the bed, but nothing worked. No matter how hard he tried his thoughts kept eating him alive. It was unbearable. He couldn’t handle it anymore. His whole being ached in anguish.

He quietly slipped out of the bed, trying his best to not disturb peacefully sleeping younger. His hands blindly reached for his backpack searching for two things they desired the most in such moments. His legs carried him out of the room without his consent. His body was working on his own, his mind was pulling him away from the reality. Sehyoon tried to fight it off. But he was powerless. He could never win against his mind.

Sehyoon was so lost in his own world that he didn’t notice a pair of eyes observing him from behind.

 

*******

 

Byeongkwan couldn’t sleep. No matter how hard he tried, sleep didn’t come. He hated how sleepless nights were turning in a routine for him. He had never had troubles sleeping before. But he also knew the reason behind his restless nights.

After tossing and turning around for more than hundred times he decided that he couldn’t bear watching bare walls of his hotel room anymore. He needed to get out.

Just as he was about to step out in the hallway he heard the door next to his room open and close. He peeked out in the hallway. It was Sehyoon. He was clutching something tightly in his fingers.

Byeongkwan couldn’t decide if he should follow him behind or carry on with his original plans. His mind kept warning him to stay away, his heart kept telling him to follow the other. His heart and curiosity won over his mind and he silently slipped out of his room and carefully trailed behind Sehyoon’s steps while keeping the safe distance from the other. However, he was sure that even if he screamed for Sehyoon the other wouldn’t hear him.

Byeongkwan thought he had an idea of what was about to happen and he was glad he followed his heart. He wouldn’t let Sehyoon hurt himself anymore. He promised himself and he also promised Yuchan.

He had been very surprised when younger shyly caught his wrist and asked him if he could talk to Byeongkwan about something after Byeongkwan gave him a smiling sun plushy he won for him at the festival. He had been more than surprised when just a minute later Yuchan told him all of his worries regarding Sehyoon and shyly whispered that he had noticed that Byeongkwan had taken a liking to his older brother. Yuchan wasn’t as foolish and as out of earth as Byeongkwan thought he was. Younger had noticed things his best friends hadn’t. Yuchan had asked him for help and Byeongkwan wasn't about to let the other down. He had asked him to look out for Sehyoon when Yuchan couldn’t or when Yuchan was busy being so selfish and getting distracted from their struggles, forgetting about his older brother and all the burden he had to carry for the sake of Yuchan in the process. Byeongkwan had promised him that he would. He had told the younger that it wasn’t selfish at all to try to be happy, that it wasn’t selfish at all that he was trying to forget whatever struggles him and his brother had gone through. He had promised younger that while he would try to find happiness for himself and for his older brother, Byeongkwan would try to keep Sehyoon company. Yuchan had given him a huge, toothy smile and thanked him before pulling Byeongkwan in a bone crashing hug.

Byeongkwan couldn’t disappoint himself or Yuchan. He hated breaking promises and he would keep this one no matter what it took him.

Sehyoon abruptly stopped on his tracks and sat down on the border between lawn and sidewalk in front of the hotel.

Byeongkwan stopped few feet away from the other male. He observed quietly. He noticed trembling in Sehyoon’s hands. He watched in silence as Sehyoon lit cigarette with shaking fingers. He knew what was going to come next, but he couldn’t force himself to move, to snatch the burning cigarette out of Sehyoon’s hold, to scream at him to stop hurting himself, to show him that demaging his own body wouldn't fix anything, wouldn't make things any better. But he couldn’t. He stood few feet away, frozen, unmoving, silent.

He watched as Sehyoon rolled the sleeve of his t-shirt up, exposing his always well hidden secrets to the silent night. He watched as burning cigarette slowly came in touch with Sehyoon’s skin. Quiet gasp escaped Sehyoon’s lips, he winced and his body shuddered. The last nerve in Byeongkwan’s body broke. He found himself rushing to the other male and before his mind could register he was snatching the lit cigarette out of Sehyoon’s fingers and smashing it with his shoe on the ground.

Sehyoon stared at him, unfazed. Byeongkwan could feel himself burning with anger. He was angry at himself and at Sehyoon and at whatever drove Sehyoon to this extent.

“What are you doing?” The other male asked, looking up at him through cold, dull eyes.

“What am I doing?! What am I doing, Sehyoon?!” Byeongkwan heard himself say bitterly, voice loud and clear. He couldn’t hide anger in his tone. He was furious. “What are you doing?!” He asked back, gritting every wrod through his teeth. “What are you doing?!”

“It’s none of your business. Just.. Just leave me alone.” Sehyoon told him, he looked calm. He looked calmer than the first time. As if he was no longer scared of Byeongkwan seeing through his façade.

“It’s my business. It became my business since the second you got inside my car.” He wanted to shake Sehyoon back to his senses until he realized that hurting himself wasn't solution, until he realized that Byeongkwan was standing in front of him, ready to help, ready to fight the world until Sehyoon felt right.

“Just leave me alone. I’m tired, Byeongkwan.” Sehyoon whispered. He reached for his pack of cigarettes and a lighter, but Byeongkwan was faster. He snatched them away from Sehyoon’s hands before the other could react.

Sehyoon’s eyes snapped at him, hard, cold, glaring. Byeongkwan stook a step back.

“Give them back.” Sehyoon demanded, reaching his hand out to take his possessions back. Byeongkwan shook his head in response. “Give them back, Byeongkwan.” Sehyoon repeated. Byeongkwan could hear anger and exhaustion in his tone. But he wouldn’t give in. He wouldn’t let sehyoon hurt himself anymore. “I said give them back!” Sehyoon almost screamed, his voice cracked and to Byeongkwan’s shock the other male broke down in tears. Sehyoon was beyond exhausted. Byeongkwan watched in shock as Sehyoon sobbing hardened. He didn’t know what to do. He didn’t expect such reaction from him. He was prepared for everything, but Sehyoon breaking down in front of him, showing just how much pain he had to bear all the time. Byeongkwan knew this was the real Sehyoon, the one he had wanted to see so much, but he couldn't bear looking at him. He couldn't bear looking at Sehyoon crying, digging his fingernails in his arms in anguish.

“Sehyoon.” Byeongkwan whispered the other’s name. He stepped closer. “Sehyoon.”

“Just.. Just go, Byeongkwan.” Sehyoon choked out, burying his face in his hands. Byeongkwan couldn’t leave. How could he. He wouldn’t be able even if he wanted to. He found himself sitting down beside Sehyoon, his hands reaching out for the other. To his surprise, Sehyoon didn’t push himself away. He leaned into Byeongkwan’s touch. “I’m tired, Byeongkwan.” He whispered and Byeongkwan knew he was. He knew Sehyoon was beyond being tired. Sehyoon was broken beyond mending but Byeongkwan would try. He would try to put him back every time Sehyoon would tear himself apart.

 


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi there.  
> Thanks a lot for reading and leaving kudos and comments. They're greatly appreciated.  
> I didn't get to fix mistakes as usual, so i apologize for that.  
> Hope you will enjoy reading this chapter. (^^-^^)

 

**Chapter Fifteen**

 

Soft knock on the door startled Sehyoon out of his slumber. His eyes snapped open, immediately taking note of Yuchan’s absence beside him on the bed. Someone knocked again. Sehyoon rushed out of bed, heart stuck in his throat. Alarms went off in his mind. _Where is Chan? Where is Chan?_

“Channie? Sehyoon?” Came a soft call from the other side of the door. It was Junhee’s voice. He could recognize it by the pitch of his tone.

Sehyoon was violently shaking by the time he made it to the door. _Where did Chan go?_ As he was about to pull the door open, bathroom’s door cracked open. Yuchan was peeking out through it, hair drenched wet with water. Sehyoon felt his body go numb with relief.

“Is.. I heard my name. Is someone on the door?” Yuchan asked just as Junhee’s voice came again from behind the door. “Oh. It’s Jun.. I.. I will be out in a minute.” Younger slammed the door closed, leaving Sehyoon to deal with the other male. He opened the door ajar. Junhee beamed at him.

“Good morning, Sehyoon.” He chirped and Sehyoon’s head rang at the sound. He wanted to sleep and get away from everything and everyone else.

“Good morning.” Sehyoon mumbled back and opened the door wider to let the other in. His actions caught Junhee with surprise. “Come in.” He gestured and Junhee immediately bounded inside the room.

“Sorry. I probably woke you up.” Junhee apologized sheepishly as he took in the sight – bed was unmade, Sehyoon was bare footed and sleepy eyed. He felt bed for disturbing him.

Sehyoon’s eyes immediately snapped at the clock on the nightstand. It was almost  11am. No wonder Yuchan had woken up before him.

“It’s okay. Chan said that he will be out in a minute.” He gestured Junhee to the bathroom door with his head. The other male nodded.

“Are you not coming?” Junhee eyed him with curious eyes.

Sehyoon couldn’t decide if he wanted to go or not. He knew that he needed to go to keep an eye on Yuchan, but he also couldn’t find any strength in his body to move. He just wanted to lie down and cry himself to sleep until he forgot everything that happened at night.

“I.. I’m not feeling well and I don’t want Chan to.. to be stuck in the hotel room for.. for the whole day.” He started off, trying to gather his thoughts and turn them into words. He just felt extremely exhausted. He wished Yuchan would come out faster so Sehyoon could just lie down. “And he’s already ge.. getting ready. Just.. Can you just keep an eye on him and le.. let me know if something.. If something happens?” He asked, plea in his voice was more visible than he intended it to be. He didn’t want to let Yuchan go with them alone, especially after yesterday’s events, but he knew younger would be sad if he were to make him stay in the hotel room while others went to explore the city.

“Don’t worry, Sehyoon, we will. You didn’t even need to ask. We care about him a lot. And about you too.” Junhee gave him a kind, gentle smile and Sehyoon was thankful for it. He nodded and walked over to their backpacks. He took Yuchan’s clothes out and instead placed few necessary items younger might need while out. He could feel Junhee’s gaze on him, the other male was watching him intensely. Sehyoon tried to not pay much attention to it. Junhee was just a curious person.

“Is your arm okay?” Junhee suddenly asked, startling Sehyoon. _His arm? How did he know? What did he know?_ He could feel panic taking over his mind. He turned around to face the other male, heart pounding loudly in his ears. He felt dizzy. Byeongkwan promised him that he wouldn’t say anything. He promised him that he wouldn’t tell a single soul. Sehyoon was a fool. Of course, he was.  _How could he trust him?_ _Byeongkwan was just like everyone else._

“Wh.. What about.. about my arm?” Sehyoon found himself spluttering out. He needed to sit down. He was on the verge of fainting.

“There’s a red stain on your sleeve.” Junhee pointed him to his t-shirt’s sleeve with his finger. _Red stain on his sleeve?_   He gave the other male confused look before he realized what Junhee was implying. His eyes darted to his sleeves. There was a dried blood stain on his sleeve. It must have rubbed off from the new burn.

“Ah. It’s.. It’s just coloring.” He found himself lying. “I.. I drew some.. something yesterday n.. night.” He placed his other hand over the stain, covering it from the other male’s intense eyes. Junhee could look intimidating if he wanted to. Sehyoon casted his eyes on the floor, silently wishing for Yuchan to come out of the bathroom.

The air felt thick and uncomfortable around them. Junhee opened his mouth to say something, but the door slammed open, revealing excited Yuchan.

“Junhee!” Younger wailed at the sight of the band singer. Junhee beamed at him.

“Good morning, Channie. You ready?” He pinched Yuchan’s cheek. Younger winced and playfully slapped his hand away.

“Good morning. I am. But Sehyoon isn’t yet.” Younger gestured to his older brother, who was standing two steps away from them, uncomfortably, hand pressing on the front of his right arm.

“Sehyoon said that he isn’t coming.” Junhee told the younger, whose face immediately fell at his words.

“Why not?” Yuchan muttered, paddling closer to his older brother. “Is.. Is something wrong, Sehyoon?” He asked, eyes worried.

“No.. I’m.. I’m just tired.” Sehyoon tried to reassure him as he leaned into younger’s hand gently resting on his cheek.

“Are you sure? I will stay with you.” Yuchan's eyes run over his face, looking for any sign that could give away how Sehyoon truly felt. 

“I’m okay, Chan. I will probably sleep for the whole day. You will be bored here.” Sehyoon took the younger’s hand off his face and gently grasped it with his fingers. Yuchan opened his mouth to argue, but Sehyoon nudged him towards the waiting Junhee. “He’s waiting. You’d go.”

“Are you sure?" Younger started. "Sehyoon.” He looked distressed. Sehyoon hated himself for always ruining bright mood of his younger brother.

“I’m sure, Channie. Just be careful.” Sehyoon planted a soft kiss on Yuchan’s forehead and younger gave him a quick peck on the cheek. He handed Yuchan his backpack and watched in silence as Junhee lead his younger brother out of their hotel room. Yuchan gave him a one last look before closing the door behind his back. Sehyoon felt anxiety slowly creep up in his bones. _He let Yuchan leave with someone else. He left Yuchan’s well being in someone else’s hands._ He wanted to run after his brother and Junhee, but couldn’t because he felt extremely tired. He had no power left in his body. As soon as he finally made it to the bed he fell on it and let sleep take over.

He let Yuchan leave with the other man but to his surprise, he believed that younger would be safer with Junhee than with his own brother.

 

**Chapter Sixteen**

 

“Where is Sehyoon?” Byeongkwan asked as soon as Junhee and Yuchan joined him and Donghun on the parking lot. Sehyoon was nowhere in sight and Byeongkwan felt his heart pick a beat in panic.

“He.. He,.” Yuchan started, spluttering.

“He wasn’t feeling well so he decided to stay behind.” Junhee explained in place of the younger male, giving his hand gentle squeeze.

“Is it alright to leave him alone?” Donghun asked. Byeongkwan wanted to ask the same question, but he knew that what Sehyoon needed the most right now was some alone time, especially with what happened yesterday night between them. He just felt relieved that Sehyoon hadn’t run off and had found enough courage to stay. He was only hoping that the other male wouldn’t hurt himself while they were away, while Byeongkwan wasn’t there to keep him grounded, keep him safe from his own mind.

“He said that he prefers to be alone. He just wants to get some sleep.” Junhee said and silence followed his words. Donghun glanced at Byeongkwan. Byeongkwan avoided his eyes.

“It’s alright. Sehyoon is strong.” Yuchan gave them a smile, but Byeongkwan could see worry in his eyes. Yes, Sehyoon was strong. He was strong but he could be strong for so long. Everyone and everything had its limits and Sehyoon was no exception. His younger brother knew this much. Sehyoon was strong until he had to battle his own thoughts and mind. Byeongkwan knew that Sehyoon tried hard, fought hard but he had never won against his own mind so far. He kept losing and so did his hopes of healing his wounds. Byeongkwan longed to change that. He had promised himself and Yuchan and most importantly he had promised Sehyoon that he would change it. He wouldn’t let Sehyoon’s mind knock the other male down on his knees ever again. He hoped to keep that promise as long as he could, as long as Sehyoon would let him, as long as he was within Byeongkwan's sight. He would keep picking Sehyoon's shattered pieces up one by one and mend them together bit by bit.

“Yes, he is.” He found himself telling the younger. Yuchan turned to him and showed him a grateful smile. “Let’s go conquer the city now.” He nodded to the car and everyone rushed to their usual seats.

 

*******

 

Byeongkwan couldn’t concentrate on anything, no matter where they went, what they saw, his mind stayed occupied by the thoughts of Sehyoon who was left behind in the hotel. He felt like worry would eat him alive before the day could end.

Beside his ceaseless worrying he also felt left out. His best friends kept fussing over the younger man. It wasn’t like he disliked it or was jealous. No, he thought that Yuchan needed all the attention Junhee and Donghun could give him. He needed to see that there were people who cared and he and Sehyoon weren’t alone in this battle. He just wished that someone could be there to keep him company, to walk beside him, to keep their eyes trained on him and nothing else. He wished Sehyoon were here. Even though the other male did none of the mentioned, Byeongkwan never felt left out with his presence, because the silence between them spoke more than any of them could. He liked it when Sehyoon was there, quietly walking beside him or behind his younger brother, keeping his eyes trained on Yuchan’s back, making sure any kind of danger was out of his brother’s way. Byeongkwan liked observing him, he liked finding Sehyoon’s mysteries so much. They were ugly and unpleasant to face, but they were part of Sehyoon – the real one.

While observing his best friends from aside he noticed that previous worry from Donghun’s and Junhee’s eyes was gone. He was sure that whatever was bothering his best friends for the past days was already solved, giving them ability to act so carefree and silly around one another. He noticed silent touches, admiring smiles and loving looks being exchanged between the three. He felt like they were back to their high school days. His best friends actions were proving his suspicions true and he felt happy for the youngest male and he felt happier for Donghun and Junhee. Happy for Yuchan because two kindest and loveliest people cared about him and thrived to make every second of his day full of smiles, happier for his best friends that whatever they were coming to realize bit by bit wouldn’t present any danger to their love, because it was so painfully obvious that they loved each other more than anything in the world. All three of them. He noticed the way Yuchan looked at them and he noticed the way they looked at Yuchan. They shone with happiness and warmness and love and for the first time in his life, Byeongkwan felt jealous of not having someone like his best friends were for one another. When he thought of it, certain male’s name unconsciously kept surfacing on his mind. Maybe Yuchan wasn’t the only one, maybe Junhee and Donghun weren’t the only ones. Maybe it also was time for Byeongkwan to find someone. Someone who was broken, someone who had no hope left, leaving Byeongkwan to pick up his shattered pieces and mend him together. Someone who made Byeongkwan want to turn the world over to find even the slightest bit of hope for him.

After few hours of exploring the city Byeongkwan decided that he couldn't go to the museums any longer. He just wanted to leave and see with his own eyes that Sehyoon was alright. 

 

**Chapter Seventeen**

 

When Sehyoon woke up again it was past 4pm. He wanted to get up, but his limbs didn’t obey him. He laid on the bed motionless for another hour, staring up at the white ceiling. To his surprise, his head was completely blank. He didn’t think of anything. He couldn’t. There was nothing for him to think. He was relieved. He just laid on the bed, not thinking of anything particular for the first time in years. He was simply staring into space. It felt good. He felt good. He had not felt this good for years, for so long. He had forgotten how it felt to not be at the edge of breaking down.

He remembered Junhee’s words from earlier and his eyes immediately slipped to his t-shirt’s sleeve. He needed to change it and wash it before Yuchan would be back. He didn’t want to worry the younger. He didn’t need to worry him, he was already worried enough. He pushed himself on his forearms looking around the room, his eyes landed on Yuchan’s guitar. He wondered how the younger was. He didn’t panic. He didn't start to tremble with unbearable rush of anxiety. He was surprised by the way his body reacted. Somehow, he believed that younger was alright. He laid back down. A sigh escaped his lips. He really didn’t want to get up. He could finally sleep after so many restless nights and he wanted to get as much rest as he could in case it would get bad again, in case it would get worser. He knew such peacefulness wouldn’t last long. It never did. His mind could only sleep for so long, it was like a volcano waiting to erupt. He rolled on the other side and closed his eyes, waiting for sleep to come. He couldn't remember how it felt to fall asleep with clear head. He wanted to remember that feeling.

Just as he was about to fell asleep soft sound of knocking echoed in his quiet room. His eyes instantly shot open.

“Who is it?” He called out. He didn’t want to get up.

“It’s me, Byeongkwan.” Came a quiet answer from the outside. _Byeongkwan? What was Byeongkwan doing here?_   He thought before he suddenly remembered Yuchan and immediately jolted into a sitting position. _What if something happened to Yuchan?_  He found himself rushing to the door and tearing it open, startling the patiently waiting male outside.

“Is.. Is Yuchan alright?” He asked, eyes darting around in the hallway for any sign of his younger brother.

“Y.. Yes.” Byeongkwan gave him a startled look before shaking his head and returning to his usual state. “He’s alright.”

“Why are you here then?” His brows arched at the other male. Byeongkwan rubbed the back of his neck, suddenly turning awkward.

“I.. Um, I got bored and came back. I thought if you were awake.. We could hang out or something.” He flashed him a sheepish smile. Sehyoon eyed the other male with suspicious eyes.

“What about the others?”

“They went to the zoo. It’s their last destination for today. Junhee said they would be back in a few hours.” Byeongkwan explained and his words were followed by silence. They stood on the doorway staring at anything, but each other. It was awkward and Sehyoon hoped that the other male was just part of his dream and would disappear as fast as he appeared. He wanted to sleep without any dreams. He just wanted to rest without worrying for some time. But of course, Byeongkwan wasn’t part of his dreams, he was as real as the burns on his arms.

“Can.. Can I come in if you don’t mind?” Byeongkwan asked and Sehyoon looked at him as if he had grown a second head suddenly. He hesitated for a few seconds before stepping back and giving him space to enter the room. Byeongkwan rushed in immediately before Sehyoon could change his mind.

“Where you sleeping?” He inquired when Sehyoon closed the door and followed him inside. The bed was unmade so he automatically assumed that Sehyoon was sleeping before his arrival. He felt bad for disturbing him. He knew how much Sehyoon was in need of a good rest.

“Not really.” Sehyoon sighed and heavily lowered himself on the bed. He didn’t know what to do or what to say. _Why did Byeongkwan thought that it was alright to come._

“How are you?” Byeongkwan sat down on the other end of the bed, keeping distance between them in order to not scare Sehyoon away.

“I’m fine.” Sehyoon said in return and the other male gave him a look. “I really am.” Sehyoon whispered, eyes lowered on the floor. His fingers automatically started to fiddle with his t-shirt because of the nervousness. He didn’t know why he was feeling nervous. He hated how confused Byeongkwan was making him feel, how he stirred so many different emotions in Sehyoon. He hated that the other male added more confusion to his already lost and confused mind. He didn’t need more things to ponder his mind about. He already had more than enough.

Sehyoon felt Byeongkwan’s gaze on him. He was sure the other male was eyeing him with curiosity, trying to figure out if he was really telling the truth or not from the way he behaved. He hated how Byeongkwan, someone he just met a week ago, could read him and feel his emotions without so much effort. He hated Byeongkwan because of the way he was making him feel – exposed, insecure, confused, but safe. He hated Byeongkwan.

“Your arm.” Byeongkwan started and Sehyoon looked up at him before looking down at his arm. “Is the stain new?” Byeongkwan asked. Sehyoon shook his head in return.

Sehyoon didn’t like the way Byeongkwan acted. He knew it was because of what happened yesterday, but he couldn’t really remember what happened, what he said to him. He could only remember bits of it here and there, but he did remember crying on Byeongkwan’s shoulder and he hated himself for it. He hated himself for being so weak and he hated Byeongkwan for being there to witness the mess that was Kim Sehyoon. He hated Byeongkwan for not leaving, for staying, for comforting him, for whispering soothing words in his ear. He hated Byeongkwan and he needed to push the other male away before he could get his hopes up. Sehyoon didn’t need help, what he said yesterday meant nothing, Byeongkwan still knew nothing about Kim Sehyoon’s life. He wanted Byeongkwan to forget yesterday, act like nothing had happened, move on and let Sehyoon deal with his own struggles.

“Sehyoon?” He heard Byeongkwan call for him. When he came back to his senses he was clutching onto his arm tightly, covering the blood stain from Byeongkwan’s eyes. The other male looked tense. He was sitting at the edge of Sehyoon’s bed, ready to rush to him anytime. Sehyoon hated him for being so kind, so curious, so caring, so trustworthy and dependable.

“It’s old.” He whispered and watched as Byeongkwan body relaxed, his shoulders slouching down.

“Good. Have you cleaned yesterday’s burn?” Byeongkwan asked and Sehyoon hated how casual he was being about it. As if he was asking about if Sehyoon had eaten today. Sehyoon hated him for being so unaffected by everything, for not being disgusted by Sehyoon’s scars. He wanted to scream at Byeongkwan to leave him alone, to leave him with his own struggles. He wanted to scream at him that he didn’t need his help and Byeongkwan should stop trying. But he also wanted to sit in silence and let the other male’s presence make him feel secure and safe from any harm.

“They don’t need to be cleaned.” He replied simply and honestly. Because they didn't. They were here to remind Sehyoon of what he was, who he was and they were here to distract Sehyoon from his thoughts and ache when he had nowhere to escape from his mind. They were here to heal Sehyoon and not the other way around. Sehyoon didn’t need them to heal. He didn’t want them to heal. He wanted them to sting and burn.

“They do, Sehyoon. If you don’t, they will scar.” Byeongkwan told his as a matter of fact. Sehyoon resisted a laugh. It was too late for them to not scar. They have been here for years, old scars were covered with the new ones.

“They’re fine, Byeongkwan.” He said and got up from the bed. He could feel Byeongkwan’s eyes following his every step. He wanted to tell him to stop staring, to stop making him feel so exposed. But he didn't and he didn't know why. He dug into his backpack to find another t-shirt. “I.. I’m going to change.” He gave Byeongkwan one last glance before disappearing inside the bathroom.

When he came back out, Byeongkwan was sitting in the same position humming some soft melody to himself, drumming with his fingers on his knees.

“Where is the bag I gave you?” Byeongkwan asked, voice suddenly extremely serious.

“Wh.. What bag?” Sehyoon very well knew what the other male was asking about, but he didn’t want to deal with it at that moment.

“The one I gave you at the festival?” Byeongkwan repeated, giving him a hard stare.

“I.. I.. I threw it away.” Sehyoon stuttered out, trying to convince the other male.

“I know when you are lying, Sehyoon.” Byeongkwan gave him a frozen smile.

“You don’t know anything about me, Byeongkwan.” He gritted through his teeth. He hated how Byeongkwan was so sure of himself, how he was always so confident and so right about things.

“I may not know much, but I can see when you are lying, Sehyoon.” He wanted to kick the other man out of his hotel room. He wished he had any will left in his body. He just wanted to lay back down. He just wanted Byeongkwan with his know it all eyes to be gone.

“Can’t you see that I don’t need your help then?” Sehyoon found himself snapping at the other male. Something flashed across Byeongkwan’s face, surprise, shock, anger, Sehyoon didn’t know. He sighed and dropped down on his back on the bed. “I don’t need your help, Byeongkwan.” He whispered quietly, hoping that Byeongkwan could hear his words.

“I know you don’t.” He heard slight creaking of the bed. Byeongkwan must have gotten up. His body instantly tensed up.

“Leave me alone then.” He muttered and turned his head to the side to see what the other male was doing. Byeongkwan was standing beside the bed, gazing down at him with his observing eyes.

“I cannot.” Byeongkwan said quietly in response. His eyes were glued on Sehyoon. Sehyoon looked beautiful laying on the white sheets, his black hair sprawled across it, dim sun light playing on his face. His breath caught. Sehyoon was utterly beautiful. Byeongkwan wished the other male knew how breathtaking he was, he wished Sehyoon knew he was worth so much, he wished Sehyoon knew that whatever he had gone through in his past didn’t define his whole existence. Yes, it was part of him, but there was so much more of Sehyoon than his past. He wished Sehyoon would remember promises made in agony in silent night. He wished Sehyoon would put his façade away as he had done yesterday night and let Byeongkwan see him just the way he was – broken, tainted, tortured, lost, horrified, but nevertheless beautiful.

“You can. You just need to forget what you saw.” Sehyoon whispered and Byeongkwan could hear strain in his voice. He was driving Sehyoon on the verge one more time. He hated it, but he had no other choice. Sehyoon needed to let his ache out before it could fully poison his whole being and Byeongkwan didn't have any ways of dealing with it beside driving Sehyoon to the edge.

“I can’t, Sehyoon. I can’t forget something I want to remember so much.” He stepped closer to the bed so he was hovering over Sehyoon, their knees almost touching. He could see how Sehyoon tensed up, his fingers curling into fists.

“Why would you want to remember it, Byeongkwan? Why would you want to remember something so disgusting about someone just as disgusting?” Sehyoon wasn’t asking, he was pleading for the answer. He averted his eyes from Byeongkwan’s, looking up at the white ceiling.

“Because I don’t see someone disgusting. Because I don’t think it’s disgusting. Because I want to understand this someone. Because what I see is someone broken, but beautiful and caring and protective of his younger brother.” He walked over to the side of the bed and sat down beside lying Sehyoon, whose eyes immediately followed him, wide and afraid. His hand unconsciously found its way to Sehyoon’s face and gently rested on the other male's cheek. He felt Sehyoon shudder under his touch. “There’s nothing disgusting about you, Sehyoon.” He whispered and hoped that Sehyoon could hear every word that left his mouth loud and clear. How could he call himself disgusting when he had dedicated his life for his younger brother’s happiness. How could he call himself disgusting when he was so kind and caring and protective of someone he loved. “What broke you may be disgusting Sehyoon, but you.. You aren’t and don’t let your mind tell you otherwise.” He gently caressed the other’s cheek with his thumb. He could feel Sehyoon’s entire body tremble.

“You don’t know anything, Byeongkwan.” Sehyoon repeated, turning his head to the other side.

“I don’t need to know everything, Sehyoon.” Byeongkwan whispered in return, caressing Sehyoon’s face with the back of his hands, his knuckles grazing Sehyoon’s cheek in a gentle manner.

“You need to stay away, Byeongkwan. Just stay away from me.” Sehyoon told him in a warning tone, eyes looking everywhere but Byeongkwan.

“I don’t want to stay away, Sehyoon.” He said back. Sehyoon’s hand reached for Byeongkwan’s hand caressing his face and clutched onto it tightly.

“You need to. Before it’s too late.” He pushed Byeongkwan’s hand away, but without any actual use of force. He felt numb. Byeongkwan needed to leave, needed to forget, needed to stay away from Sehyoon and his struggles. Sehyoon’s mind was a dark place, his heart was burning with black fire and his life was never meant to be peaceful and nice.

“Let me stay, Sehyoon.” Byeongkwan pleaded in a quiet voice. “Let me stay and I’ll prove you otherwise.” His hand found its place on Sehyoon’s face once more, fingers caressing Sehyoon’s cheek with utmost care and warmth.

“I can’t break more than this, Byeongkwan.” Sehyoon turned his face to look at him. Byeongkwan could see anguish in his eyes.

“I’m not going to break you, Sehyoon.” He smiled down at Sehyoon, gently, wishing to give the other male some courage and assurance.

“I’m afraid of breaking you, Byeongkwan.” Sehyoon whispered and pushed his hand away from his face one more time.

Byeongkwan’s heart burned.

Sehyoon was afraid of breaking him, because nothing could break Sehyoon any further. He was broken to the extent it was impossible to his shattered pieces to shatter beyond.

Sehyoon was afraid of breaking him, but Byeongkwan would willingly break himself if it meant Sehyoon would give him a chance. A chance to heal him, to found him his lost hope and love for life.

 

**Chapter Eighteen**

 

Yuchan sat on the bench in the zoo with Donghun and Jun on his both sides. He was eating rainbow ice-cream Donghun brought for him and Junhee. He was feeling extremely content and happy with his newly found life. He felt sad that Sehyoon wasn’t with them, but knowing that his brother wasn’t alone eased his worries. He knew that Byeongkwan was there to keep Sehyoon company.

Junhee was telling him some old stories from his and Donghun’s lives. How they met, how they fell in love. He loved being around them so much. He always felt so good, happy, carefree, comfortable and safe with them. He loved looking at them as they talked, laughed and joked around. Junhee was always positive, quick witted, nice and kind and Yuchan loved when Junhee laughed or smiled. Junhee’s laugh and smile had to be the most beautiful thing Yuchan had ever seen in his life. Every time Junhee smiled at his direction he could feel his heart shake at the sight. It was so beautiful. He couldn’t find right or enough words to describe the other male's smile. It was breathtaking, because every time Junhee laughed Yuchan had troubles breathing, it caught every time. It was beautiful and blinding and Yuchan loved it so much. In contrast with his boyfriend, Donghun was always so composed. But he was just as nice and kind. He always knew what to say or how to comfort someone. He loved being with him, because he made him feel secure and comfortable. Donghun always knew what Yuchan needed to hear and he was always by his side to whisper the right words. He also loved Donghun’s eyes. As much as he loved Junhee's smile. They were sad, but kind and beautiful. He loved looking into them. They made him feel loved.

Yuchan didn’t know what to call this feeling or how to explain it with words. It made him feel happy and excited, but worried and sad at the same time. His heart immediately would pick a beat every time Junhee’s or Donghun’s hands would find their ways into his hands. He loved holding hands with them and sharing stories with them and making new, beautiful memories with them to replace old, bad ones. They were healing. Their prescense was enough for Yuchan to feel better, to feel happier, to feel safer. He simply loved being with Junhee and Donghun. He wasn’t entirely sure about the new feeling bubbling up in his chest, but he hoped that whatever it was it could be returned.

He wanted to stay with Junhee and donghun for as long as it was possible for him. He didn’t want to be separated with them. He wanted to be part of their lives and them part of his life so much. He wanted to stay with them and with Sehyoon and Byeongkwan but he wasn’t sure if that was possible and every time he thought about it his heart ached.

“Is everything alright, Channie?” He heard Junhee ask. His body immediately reacted to the other’s voice, head snapping toward him.

“Yes. I was.. I was just thinking.” He told the older and Junhee gave him one of his lovely smiles. Butterflies in Yuchan’s stomach came to life.

“What about?” Junhee inquired. He also loved how curious of everything Junhee was. He always longed to find something new in life.

“How it would be so nice to stay like this for a long time.” Words slipped out of his mouth before his mind could register. Junhee laughed wholeheartedly. Yuchan loved the sound of older’s laughter so much. He could feel pink creeping up on his cheekbones. He shyly lowered his eyes on the ground.

“It would be so nice.” Donghun told him and patted him gently on the thigh.

_It would be so nice._

 

**Chapter Nineteen**

 

Sehyoon stared silently at his patched up arm as he sat beside Byeongkwan on the bed. Both of them were quiet, none of them knew what to say.

He couldn’t fully recall how Byeongkwan managed to talk him into tending his newest burns and he didn’t want to remember it at all.

The expression that crossed Byeongkwan’s face for less than a second when he rolled Sehyoon’s sleeve up and closely examined his arm kept replaying in his mind. He couldn’t clearly understand what it meant. _Was is disgust?_ But Byeongkwan told him he didn’t find his scars disgusting. _Was he lying?_ He probably was. Everyone was lying. It wasn’t like Sehyoon didn’t know the truth. _Was it pity?_ It could have been. It most likely was. Everyone had always pitied him and Yuchan. People knew how to pity others the best. However, Sehyoon didn’t want Byeongkwan to pity him. He didn’t want Byeongkwan to lie. He didn’t want Byeongkwan to find out about his disgusting past. He didn’t want Byeongkwan to give him hopes Sehyoon knew would be shattered by the time. He wanted Byeongkwan to leave, leave before it was time, before it was too late, before Sehyoon’s darkness would break him down.

“Does it still sting?” Byeongkwan asked. Sehyoon’s eyes remained on his arm. He loved when his burns stinged, but Byeongkwan didn’t need to know this much.

“They don’t.” He told the other man before rolling his sleeve down. “P.. Please don’t tell, Yuchan.” He whispered and wished Byeongkwan would hear his silent plea.

“I will not. It’s not my place to tell.” The bed shifted as Byeongkwan got up. Sehyoon looked up at him. The other male crouched down in front of him. Sehyoon’s gaze followed him in instant. He tensed up, body starting to react at the sudden closeness. He felt like suffocating. “I will not tell anyone, if you promise me to come and always find me when you feel you can no longer bear your thoughts or overcome the desire of hurting yourself.” Byeongkwan took Sehyoon’s hands in his. Sehyoon started to quiver. He hated the closeness. It was making him sick.

“I.. I can’t promise you anything.” Sehyoon said, his fingers curling into fists in Byeongkwan’s hands. Byeongkwan was asking him for impossible.

“You just have to promise me, Sehyoon.” Byeongkwan told him. He hated how every time he tried to prove Sehyoon a point he would talk to him like a little, lost child.

“What difference would my promise make?” He asked and tried to pull his hands out of Byeongkwan’s grasp, but the other male held onto them tighter. Sehyoon winced. He hated the touch.

“A lot. You will remember it every time you are pushed to the edge by your thoughts and you will know that you’re not alone, that there’s always me willing to help, willing to give you a shoulder to cry.” Byeongkwan released his hands from his hold, staring into Sehyoon’s eyes.

“You will be gone in days, Byeongkwan.” He got up from the bed and walked to the other side of the room.

“Maybe I won’t be. If only you would give us a chance.” He could hear Byeongkwan sigh. He wondered how long was left until Byeongkwan would decide that it was time for him to give up, that there was no way for him to get what he wanted. He didn’t say anything back. He didn’t know what to say. He just stood beside the window silently looking outside. He wondered when Yuchan would be back. He wanted to see his younger brother safe and unharmed and he also wanted Byeongkwan to leave. His presence was pushing him to the edge. He was making him uncomfortable.

“Are you hungry, Sehyoon?” Few minutes later Byeongkwan asked, completely off topic. It caught Sehyoon with surprise. He shook his head in return. Byeongkwan sighed again. Sehyoon found himself smiling softly. He turned his head to the side, so the other male wouldn’t catch it. “Have you eaten anything today?” He shook his head one more time. He wondered if Byeongkwan would sigh again. He didn’t. “I will order us dinner.” He opened his mouth to disagree, but when he turned to face the other, Byeongkwan was already calling for their dinner.

This time he was the one who let out a heavy sigh, receiving a quick glance from Byeongkwan in return.

 

*******

 

They ate in silence, sitting on the floor beside one another, leaning against the bed. Sehyoon wasn’t hungry. He didn’t want to eat. Byeongkwan had to threaten him that he wouldn’t stop whining until Sehyoon eat something. He found this side of the other male annoying, but kind of adorable. It reminded him of Yuchan. He ignored the churning feeling in his stomach and concentrated on the food in front of him. He ate slowly, forcing each bite down in his throat. He felt Byeongkwan glance at him once in a while, but he tried his best to ignore the other male. Byeongkwan was making him do things he wouldn’t do for anyone other than his younger brother and he found himself despising the other man for it.

Sudden sound of buzzing startled them out of their thoughts. Sehyoon looked at Byeongkwan. It was coming from the other male. Byeongkwan pulled his phone out of his sports shorts’ pocket.

“Oh, it’s Jun.” He informed Sehyoon before answering the call. Sehyoon's heart immediately fastened up, he could feel his hands starting to sweat. _What if something happened to Yuchan?_ Byeongkwan covered the speaker with his hand before turning to him. Sehyoon held his breath.

“He says that they’re going to see a movie and wants to know if we want to join them.” Sehyoon shook his head in response. The only kind of movies he enjoyed watching were documentaries and it had been years since he had seen the last one and he was sure Junhee and Yuchan weren’t about to see the one. He only hoped that Byeongkwan would leave to join his friends and Sehyoon’s younger brother.

“No, Jun, we don’t.” Byeongkwan said on the phone. Sehyoon slumped against the bed. “No, we’re alright. Have fun and buy me some snacks on the way back.” He said before hanging up.

“You should go.” Sehyoon told him in hopes of convincing the other male to join the others.

“I’m alright. Besides we can watch one here. I can bring my laptop.” Byeongkwan smiled at him, putting his phone aside.

“I don’t want to watch a movie.” Sehyoon mumbled to himself. Byeongkwan laughed.

“Then we will do whatever you want. That’s alright.” He gave Sehyoon thumbs up before turning back to his food. Sehyoon hated how patient Byeongkwan was trying to be with him.

 

*******

 

“How about games?” Byeongkwan suggested. He had been trying to involve Sehyoon in some kind of activity after they had dinner, but the other male rejected every idea he came up with.

“No. I don’t want to play games, Byeongkwan.” Sehyoon said. He sat a feet away from Byeongkwan, head leaned against the bed, eyes closed. He was hugging his knees to his chest. He looked like a child and Byeongkwan would have said he looked like an adorable one, if Sehyoon weren’t being annoying with declining everything he suggested.

“Fine. I give up. Are you happy?” He grumbled, sprawling on the floor. He was about to throw a tantrum. _Why did Sehyoon have to be so difficult?_ He also knew why, but they were talking about games, not something related to Sehyoon's past. He wanted Sehyoon to relax and enjoy himself for some time.

“Very.” Sehyoon replied curtly. Byeongkwan wanted to smack him.

“Okay. I will just lay there silently. Don’t mind my existence.” Byeongkwan mumbled as he rolled over on his stomach and started to play with his phone. Sehyoon peeked at him through one of his eyes. He didn’t understand what Byeongkwan was trying to achieve by acting like a spoiled child.

“Do as you please. Just be quiet.” He told the other and caught the glimpse of how Byeongkwan rolled his eyes. Sehyoon had to resist a laugh. _Just what are you Kim Byeongkwan?_

He closed his eye and went back to his own world, leaving Byeongkwan to his own entertainment.

 

**Chapter Twenty**

 

Yuchan couldn’t really concentrate on the movie playing on the huge screen. He hadn’t been in cinema since he was a child and he wanted to remember the feeling, but his thoughts kept wondering over to the two males sitting on his sides. He sat in the middle, Junhee was on his right, while Donghun occupied the seat on his left side. He was glad with the arrangement. He felt safe trapped between them.

Twenty minutes into the movie Junhee’s hand slipped in his, distracting him from the scene playing out on the screen in front of his eyes. It wasn’t like he was unfamiliar with holding hands with Junhee. No, he knew how Junhee’s hands felt very well, but it felt different in the dim lights of cinema. It felt kind of intimate. He found himself blushing. He must have stared for so long at Junhee, the other male turned his head to look at him. He gave younger a warm smile. Yuchan’s heart did a double somersault. He looked away shyly, embarrassed about getting caught. He heard Junhee's muffled laughter beside him. The older male squeezed his hand in encouragement. Feelings of embarrassment started to cease, being replaced by the warmness spreading throughout his entire body.

Sixty minutes into the movie he started to feel numb, his concentration decreased and his head started to lull. He shifted around to find a comfortable position, gathering both Junhee's and Donghun's attention.

“Here.” Donghun whispered to him as he sneaked his arm around the younger’s body and gently laid Yuchan’s head on his shoulder. “Comfortable?” He asked quietly and Yuchan could only nod his head in return. He felt comfortable, but shy for the same reason he felt shy when Junhee held his hand. He was shy because of the intimacy of their actions, but beside that he also felt slightly afraid, because the feelings that started to arise in his chest could harm him or Junhee’s and Donghun’s relationship or all of them together. He didn’t want to hurt himself, but most importantly he didn’t want to hurt the others. “Don’t worry about anything, Chan.” Donghun whispered to him and Yuchan looked up at him through his eyelashes. “Just trust your heart.” Donghun gave him a warm smile and Yuchan felt fireworks go off in his stomach.

He would trust his heart. He smiled back and let his body relax against Donghun’s side. He felt happy, safe and loved.

 

**Chapter Twenty-One**

 

Byeongkwan groaned. He was bored out of his mind. He had been playing games in his phone for almost an hour. Sehyoon kept quiet for the entire time. He put his cellphone back in his pocket and rolled over to face Sehyoon, who was still sitting on the same place, but his head was resting on his arms now. He looked small and vulnerable and Byeongkwan felt the urge to wrap his arms around the other male and protect him from the rest of the world.

“Sehyoon?” He softly called for the other male. He didn’t want to startle him. “Sehyoon?” He asked again when no answer came. He got up and walked over to the other male. He could hear sound of steady breathing coming from the other. He was asleep. Byeongkwan felt bad. Sehyoon must have wanted to sleep, but Byeongkwan had to bug him for the entire time. He scrunched down beside the other. “Sehyoon?” He whispered.

Quiet “Hmmm?” came in response, but Sehyoon remained in the same position.

“You should sleep on the bed.” Byeongkwan told the other, who hummed in return, but didn’t budge from his place.

Byeongkwan waited for a few minutes before sneaking his arms around Sehyoon’s crunched body and pulling him up. Sehyoon’s eyes immediately snapped open and he started to thrash around in Byeongkwan’s hold. Byeongkwan was so startled by his reaction that he almost dropped the other down.

“Hey. Hey. Calm down. I’m just..” He lowered the squirming man on the bed as gently as he could. “I just wanted to lay you down on the bed. I didn’t mean any harm.” He held his hands up, stepping back.

“Don’t. Just don’t touch me.” Sehyoon said breathlessly, he looked panicked and scared. Byeongkwan instantly regretted his actions.

“I’m sorry. I thought.. I asked you but you didn’t move and you looked uncomfortable so I tried to.. I just didn’t mean anything else, alright?” He tried to explain himself and reassure the other male about his intentions. He would never touch the other person without their consent. Sehyoon may didn't trust him, but he wasn’t like that.

Sehyoon nodded in return, pushing himself against the headboard. His face was pale and Byeongkwan noticed that he was trembling. His mind was coming to realize a certain thing and he didn’t like it even the slightest bit, so he tried to push his thoughts away.

“I’m sorry. I won’t do it ever again. I.. I’m not like that. I wouldn’t never..” His voice cracked. Whatever Sehyoon was thinking Byeongkwan could do to him, he would never do something like that to anyone, especially to Sehyoon.

“Can.. I.. Can you please leave?” Sehyoon choked out and Byeongkwan could see how much his actions had scared the other male. He felt like any progress they had made today was completely gone. Lost in vain because of his thoughtlessness. He needed to learn how to think before doing something. He nodded and retreated to the door.

“Are you sure you will be alright?” He asked, worried. He didn’t want Sehyoon to hurt himself, especially when he finally gave Byeongkwan permission to treat his wounds.

“I will.” Sehyoon told him and Byeongkwan left the room, closing the door quietly behind his back.

_Who did this to you, Sehyoon? Who had the heart to do this to you?_

He suddenly remembered Yuchan. Smiling, bright, childlike, innocent, lovely Yuchan and his heart broke. Maybe he finally found what the brothers were running from. Maybe he understood them just a bit better.

 

**Chapter Twenty-Two**

 

“Sehyoon!” The door of his hotel room slammed open, jostling Sehyoon out of his thoughts. It revealed brightly grinning Yuchan. Younger was beaming. Sehyoon’s heart shook with warmness at the sight.

“Had fun, Channie?” He asked and younger immediately bounded up to him, crawling beside him on the bed.

“I did.” Yuchan laid his head on Sehyoon’s lap, looking up at him with sparkling eyes. “It’s so sad you didn’t come.” Younger gave him a pout and Sehyoon lightly tapped him on the cheek.

“I’m glad you had fun.” He smiled down at the younger, who was smiling from ear to ear. Sehyoon loved this smile - wide, bright, blinding and genuine. This was Yuchan's real smile. The one he used to give him when he was younger.

“Did you rest well?” Younger nuzzled his face in Sehyoon’s hand in a loving manner.

“I did. I slept well.” Sehyoon was happy to see this Yuchan. Yuchan that was so like of his younger self, so like of their childhood days – brighter than the sun, happier than anyone else in the world, lovelier than any flower in their mother’s self made garden. Sehyoon loved his younger brother so much and he wished younger could always remain as happy as he was right now, because happiness was what Yuchan deserved. He deserved it more than anyone else in the world.

“Was Byeongkwan here?” Younger asked, peering up at his with curious eyes.

“He was.” Sehyoon answered.

“He’s so nice.” Yuchan told him and Sehyoon thought his younger brother was planning something.

“He is.” He confirmed and younger’s face broke out into a wide smile, his eyes were sparkling. Sehyoon could see fireworks in them. He wondered what had happened today to make younger this bright. “Do you want to tell me about your day?” Sehyoon asked and younger nodded right away. Sehyoon knew he wanted, of course he did. Yuchan was always like that. He had always wanted to share his happiness with others. Younger started his story since the moment he left their hotel room with Junhee and Sehyoon listened intently, not missing out on any word that left his younger brother’s mouth.

Maybe he couldn’t find his own happiness, but Yuchan’s would be enough for both of them. He could be happy only because younger was and that was more than enough for him. Yuchan’s happiness was what mattered the most to Sehyoon and he couldn’t be happier to see his younger brother be all giggles and smiles. He loved this sight and he wished he could watch it forever, every second of his remaining life.

 


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi there.  
> First of all thanks a lot for reading and leaving kudos and comments behind. They're greatly appreciated.  
> I think this chapter is a complete mess, but we're slowly approaching the turning point of the story line and i hope it will get better after that.  
> I didn't get to fix mistakes as usual, so i apologize for that.  
> Hope you will enjoy reading this chapter. (^^-^^)

 

**Chapter Twenty-Three**

 

The next day passed in the blink of an eye. To Yuchan’s delight, Sehyoon was feeling well enough to join them this time. They ate breakfast together before continuing with their yesterday’s tour. Sehyoon tried his best to avoid Byeongkwan. Whenever he would spot the other male near, he would duck away immediately and clung onto Yuchan. Younger kept giving him curious glances but didn’t question him about his behavior. Sehyoon also noticed absence of delight from Junhee’s and Donghun’s faces because of him spending the whole time around Yuchan, leaving them disappointed from the lack of connection. He could feel Byeongkwan’s gaze following him everywhere he went. It felt unnerving, but Sehyoon tried his best to ignore the other male's intense gaze. He didn’t want to talk to Byeongkwan, not after everything that had happened yesterday. The only time two of them got to come across each other and exchange few words where when they visited a modern art gallery, which immediately caught Sehyoon’s attention and left him obvious of his surroundings. Junhee snatched Yuchan away as soon as he noticed that Sehyoon was too distracted to notice anything except the paintings hanging from the walls. Sehyoon kept wondering around in the halls aimlessly, staring at different paintings for minutes and if he could he would stay there exploring them for hours. He found it calming, comforting, serene. It felt like Sehyoon’s own space, his own world. Something where he belonged. Something where his soul could find peacefulness. He loved every painting and the way they smelled. It felt like home, sehyoon had lost when he was barely a child. It felt like home Sehyoon longed to have. Sehyoon wanted to find for him and Yuchan.

“Hey.” Quiet whisper came beside where he stood. He didn’t need to turn his head and look to know who it was. He was sure it was Byeongkwan. He had heard this voice more than he would like to.

“Hi.” He whispered back. This was how their conversations started and ended sometimes. He wanted to be alone. He was finally able to experience calmness and peacefulness and he wanted to cherish it as much as he could, as long as he could.

“You must like this place a lot.” Byeongkwan said as he stepped closer to Sehyoon and turned to face the painting Sehyoon had been staring for almost half an hour.

“I do.” He confirmed, stealing quick glance from the other male. Byeongkwan had a soft smile on his face. He looked peaceful, just like this place. He blended well with paintings and walls.

“Maybe you will have your own exhibition some day.” Byeongkwan told him, turning his head toward Sehyoon to see the reaction his words may have caused in the other male. Sehyoon felt himself went numb and then completely rigid in less than a second. He could feel his heart starting to ache. Peacefulness of his mind started to slowly fade away. He wanted Byeongkwan to leave, to stop talking nonsense, to stop rubbing salt on Sehyoon’s wounds.

“What do you think of this painting, Byeongkwan?” Sehyoon suddenly asked, completely off topic. He didn't want to talk about exhibitions that would never happen, he didn't need to have false hopes for nothing. He was curious of what Byeongkwan saw in the chaotic painting hanging from the wall in front of them.

“I don’t know. It’s hard to explain.” Byeongkwan said a minute later, taking a step closer to the painting.

“What do you see?” He asked again. He wanted to know if the other male saw the same thing as he did.

“A man. Crying.” Byeongkwan answered, inspecting the drawing closely.

“You will see better if you look at it from afar.” He told the other and Byeongkwan immediately retreated from the painting, filling the empty space beside Sehyoon one more time. “What do you see now?”

“A man. Crying.” Byeongkwan repeated the previous answer, his attention now fully turned on Sehyoon instead of the painting. His gaze was observing and curious. Sehyoon felt like he could see through him, he could look into Sehyoon’s heart and mind. He averted his eyes from Byeongkwan’s and turned back to the painting. “Why, did you see something else?” Byeongkwan asked.

Of course, Sehyoon did. He saw much more than a crying man. He saw everything, but a crying man. Crying man was just a façade, a distraction, so not everyone could see what was hidden behind the tear stained face of the man. He saw a lot more than a crying man. He saw emotions, feelings, pain, agony of a lonely painter. A lot more than obvious crying man.

Of course, Byeongkwan wouldn’t see the same thing as Sehyoon did. Of course, he wouldn’t. Byeongkwan hadn’t lived Sehyoon’s life.

“No, I don’t.” He whispered and walked away from the painting, leaving Byeongkwan to wonder if Sehyoon truly didn’t saw something else or was lying.

 

**Chapter Twenty-Four**

 

The next day they were back on the road at exactly 10am after having breakfast at the outdoor café Junhee had stumbled upon while searching for places to visit in the city. Byeongkwan was occupying his usual driver’s seat. Sehyoon had to take the passenger seat, because Donghun wanted to sit with his boyfriend and Yuchan on the backseat. Sehyoon didn’t protest, because he knew how much Yuchan liked talking with the other man about music, and quietly slipped on the seat next to Byeongkwan.

Junhee and Yuchan were as energetic as ever, chattering about anything and everything. Sehyoon would never understand how it was possible for conversations to last this long or be this comfortable and he decided to simply stop wondering about it, because he wouldn't find the answer no matter how hard he tried. He just hoped Yuchan and Junhee would never have desire to engage him in one of their banters. Donghun sat beside the other two, looking at them with fond smile on his face. He didn’t say much. Sehyoon noticed his hand resting on Yuchan’s thigh. He didn’t like it, not even a slightest bit. He hated to see someone’s hand touching his younger brother, not because he was jealous, because he was scared of them hurting Yuchan, taking advantage of Yuchan, breaking already broken Yuchan apart. He hated the sight, but he didn’t say anything. He couldn’t, because Yuchan looked comfortable and unbothered by the other male’s touch. He knew Yuchan trusted Donghun a lot and he knew that Donghun was a good person, but Sehyoon wasn't Yuchan. He couldn’t trust anyone, not with his younger brother, not as easily as his younger brother. He told himself to keep silent about it for the time being and just try his best to keep his eyes on the other male to make sure Yuchan was safe and unharmed. He wouldn’t repeat the same mistake twice.

His eyes unconsciously slipped from the occupants of the backseat to Byeongkwan. He was humming something to himself. He looked relaxed and well rested. Sehyoon found himself relieved at the sight. He instantly hated the sudden feeling, so he slumped against his seat and turned away from the other. His eyes followed the rows of trees on the road. He tried to count them so he could keep his mind occupied.

“You alright?” Byeongkwan asked. Sehyoon wasn't surprised. He always noticed even the slightest changes in Sehyoon's acts. He glanced at him before turning his attention back on the road.

“Yes.” Sehyoon replied curtly. He didn’t want to engage in a conversation with Byeongkwan.

“Not comfortable then?” Byeongkwan asked again.

“I’m comfortable.” Sehyoon answered and the usually loud backseat suddenly went quiet. Sehyoon was sure they were trying to eavesdrop on their conversation, though there wasn’t anything to be eavesdropped. Byeongkwan glanced at the backseat, wide grin appearing on his face.

“Try a little subtlety guys.” He teased and Yuchan and Junhee immediately burst out into giggles. Adoring smile made itself prominent on Donghun’s lips. Sehyoon knew it wasn’t because of Byeongkwan’s words, it was because of his giggling boyfriend and Sehyoon’s younger brother. Donghun was the least subtle person out of five of them. You could read everything on his face. Sehyoon wasn’t sure if he hated or liked what he could see in the other male’s eyes.

“So who wants to see the pictures of the lakeside we’re visiting today?” Junhee clasped his hands together, attempting to skillfully move from the topic brought up by Byeongkwan. Yuchan burst out of laughter at the other male’s obvious attempt. Sehyoon was sure it could be heard outside of the car. He didn’t mind it at all. He could listen to his younger brother’s laughter forever.

 

*******

 

They only stopped once on the way at the gas station to fill their supply of petrol and buy food, drinks and snacks for the night. Their next stop was at the lakeside Junhee was so excited of visiting. He had been talking about how beautiful it looked in the pictures non-stop, making Yuchan just as excited as he was. Both of them were beaming and chirping mess for the entire ride, causing Byeongkwan to grumbled at the obnoxious noises and them making it hard for him to concentrate on the road. Donghun immediately came to his boyfriend’s and Yuchan’s defense and Sehyoon actually didn’t mind as long as he wasn’t part of their exciting chatter, which left Byeongkwan without anyone to back him up. He accused Donghun of being biased and glared at Sehyoon for not saying anything and watching their exchange silently before turning his attention fully back to the road.

They would be staying outside this time. As Junhee had claimed ‘nothing is more beautiful and romantic than sleeping under the clear sky’. To Sehyoon it didn’t really matter, as long as Yuchan was safe by his side. Byeongkwan wasn’t excited about the idea until Donghun told him that they could get tents at the site and find some nice, quiet place for the campfire. Then he turned as excited as Junhee and Yuchan.

They arrived at the lakeside late afternoon. It was beautiful even at the first glance. Junhee hadn’t exaggerated as they had assumed. There were people scattered around, but it was still quiet. Everything was surrounded by nature. Sehyoon instantly found himself being drawn to the place. It was peaceful. Something Sehyoon’s mind lacked and long at the same time.

It took them quite some time to find the suitable place to set up their tents and bonfire, but they finally settle down a bit far away from the lake itself, so they could be away from the other visitors and any kind of disturbance.

As soon as they put their bags on the ground, Junhee clasped Yuchan’s wrist in his fingers and dragged him over to the lake, causing Donghun to immediately prostest against his boyfriend’s actions, shouting something about it being dangerous, but it fell to deaf ears as Junhee pranced away with the younger male. Donghun let out a heavy sigh and dropped his bags down.

“They’ll drive me crazy someday.” He mumbled and Byeongkwan immediately pointed accusing finger at him.

“Just about damn time.” He grumbled and Donghun laughed. He knew he was being unfair to Byeongkwan, because every time they experienced any difference of opinions he sided with Junhee, but he couldn’t say no to his excited lover and just as excited Yuchan. He wasn’t a heartless man. No. He wore his heart on his sleeve.

Sehyoon watched their exchange silently from the side before turning to his and Yuchan’s tent and starting to set it up. He had no idea how tents worked or how they should be set up and he couldn’t find any instructions attached to the bag, but he was a former architecture student, he would make it work somehow.

“Need help?” Sehyoon looked up, only to be greeted by the sight of grinning Byeongkwan who was hovering over him, hands placed on his hips.

“I’m alright.” Sehyoon mumbled, concentrating back on the structure of the tent.

“Here. Let me help with this.” Byeongkwan said as he crouched down beside him. Sehyoon shot him a look.

“I said I’m alright.” He repeated and Byeongkwan flashed him a grin.

“I know. It will be faster if two of us set it up. You could use some help you know.” Sehyoon wanted to punch his grin off his face, but of course, he didn’t. Not while Donghun was within the sight.

“Don’t you need to set your own up?” He asked, it came out aggressive. This time Byeongkwan was the one who shot him an annoyed look.

“How about you just say thanks and let me help?” He hissed at Sehyoon, who ignored him and continued working on the structure quietly. Byeongkwan was on the verge of lashing out at the other male. He had been frustrated since what happened between them in Sehyoon’s hotel room. Sehyoon had been ignoring him since then. He caught the other male stealing glances from him once in a while, but they hadn’t talked properly almost two days and it was driving Byeongkwan insane. As he was about to retort at Sehyoon, his eyes caught Donghun’s. His best friend was looking at them with observing, concerned eyes.

“Let him be.” Donghun mouthed to him and Byeongkwan, to his own distaste, left the other male to deal with his tent on his own.

Just when he thought he was starting to understand Sehyoon a bit better, he realized that he didn’t understand him at all. Sehyoon was confusing and left Byeongkwan disappointed and frustrated all the time.

 

*******

 

Yuchan and Junhee returned few minutes later, looking giddy. Donghun immediately scolded his boyfriend for being reckless, but Junhee simply kissed him on the lips to shut him up and Yuchan hugged him from the side, leaving him anything, but angry at them. They weren’t much of a help either, as the only thing they did was chatter and distracted the others from their jobs, especially Donghun, who couldn’t concentrate on the tent in front of him at all. Byeongkwan took pity on his best friend and offered to set it up for him, which Donghun accepted instantly, flashing Byeongkwan a grateful smile.

“I’m going to swim in the lake.” Junhee announced, clasping his hands in excitement and satisfaction.

“What?” Donghun’s head whipped at his boyfriend’s direction from where he sat under the tree with Yuchan. They were waiting for Byeongkwan and Sehyoon to finish the setting up before going to see the lake from up close.

“Is it possible?” Byeongkwan asked, interested by the idea. He loved swimming and it would be a heaven to swim in a cool water in such scorching weather.

“Of course. It’s so clean and clear.” Junhee was bouncing on the place from excitement. Byeongkwan was suddenly feeling just as excited by the idea.

“I’ll join in.” He told his best friend as he fixed the last detail of the tent and finished setting it up. He turned to see whether Sehyoon was done or not. He was. Even if it took him twice more time he still managed to set it up on his own. Byeongkwan hated how stubborn Sehyoon was most of the time.

“If everyone is done let’s get going then.” Junhee clapped and motioned everyone to get up. “You guys have 10 minutes to change. We won’t be waiting for anyone but Channie.” He warned and crawled inside his tent. Byeongkwan rolled his eyes at his best friend’s foolishness. Sehyoon heard him mumble to himself "When is he going to grow up".

“I.. I won’t be swimming.” Yuchan said to Donghun who told him to get changed. Junhee’s head immediately poked out from the tent, eyes searching for Yuchan.

“What do you mean you won’t be swimming?” He asked and Yuchan immediately casted his eyes downwards.

“I.. I..” He started to stutter, trying to find the right words.

“He has a bad experience with swimming.” Sehyoon said from behind and everyone’s head snapped at his direction. “Don’t force him please.” He added and Junhee’s face fell at his words.

“Oh. I’m so sorry, Channie.” He whispered and when younger gave him a small smile disappeared inside his tent once more time.

Yuchan didn’t have any bad experience with swimming. He loved water and he loved to swim so much. He was a summer child and it hurt Sehyoon greatly that he couldn’t do anything but lie about why younger refused the idea. He felt Byeongkwan’s intense gaze on him. He avoided looking into the other’s eyes. He was afraid that Byeongkwan would see through his façade. He was afraid that Byeongkwan would know he was lying.

“It’s alright. You can just come and enjoy the scenery from the side.” Donghun told the younger as he gently patted him on the head and joined his boyfriend inside the tent to change. Byeongkwan disappeared a second after. Sehyoon spreaded his hands out for the crestfallen younger, who immediately run up to him and crashed into his embrace. He gently wrapped his arms around Yuchan’s thin figure, hand gently resting on younger’s hair, caressing it in a loving manner.

“I’m sorry, Channie.” He whispered and Yuchan’s hold around his torso tightened.

“Don’t be. It’s not your fault.” Younger whispered back. Sehyoon could hear unshed tears in his voice.

It was all Sehyoon's fault.

 

*******

 

Sehyoon sat on the ground near the lake, gazing at nothing in particular. Everything looked serene. He loved that feeling so much. It was rare for Sehyoon to feel serene, but he loved serenity so much. It made him feel whole. Sound of Junhee’s laughter would reach his ears once in a while, but it blended with calmness well. Sehyoon found it likeable. His eyes searched for Yuchan. Younger was sitting crossed legged on the dock, running his hand through the water with sad smile. Yuchan looked beautiful, but painfully sad. Dim, fading sun light was playing with his hair, casting beautiful glows on the younger male's face. Yuchan looked serene and sad. Sehyoon wanted to save this moment in time. He wanted to draw. He felt the desire, so he got up and retreated to their small base to retrieve his sketchbook and black ink. He loved drawing with black, but he didn’t want to draw this in black. The sight didn’t feel dark to him. It felt warm. Something that should be drawn in soft brown and yellow. However, he had nothing, but his sketchbook and black ink with him right now. He left everything, all his paintings, all his props, all his memories at his uncle’s house. The thought of his left behind paintings made him want to cry. It felt like he had left his soul behind. But he had no other choice. They had no time and it would be trouble to carry all of his paintings with them while on the run. He could only hope that some day he would get to retrieve them back. He went back to his previous spot near the lake. Yuchan sat in the same position, still, umoving, sad. Sehyoon’s hand immediately found mind of its own, working silently, skillfully, fast. Independent of Sehyoon and his mind. They thrived to turn blank paper into his younger brother.

When he finally put his ink away and his mind came back to his usual senses, his breath caught. For the first time in years, his drawing didn’t look bizarre. It looked simple, but lovely. Exactly what Sehyoon saw with his eyes – Sad, lonely Yuchan sitting on the dock playing with water. It wasn’t like Sehyoon’s usual drawings, it looked different, but Sehyoon found himself loving it instantly. It was different and that’s what Sehyoon liked about it. It wasn’t bizarre, it wasn’t complicated, there was no hidden meaning, you just saw what your eyes did – a young male sitting on the dock playing in the water. It was that simple. It was that beautiful. Sehyoon loved the drawing. It was so different in contrast of Yuchan he had drawn few days back. Old Yuchan was hiding so much darkness behind his smile. This Yuchan wasn’t hiding anything at all, his real emotions were clear on his face, on his sad smile. You could feel everything he felt just by giving it a mere glance. Sehyoon loved this Yuchan. It was Yuchan from their childhood – a rare, lonely flower in their mother’s self made garden. It was Yuchan he had lost, but wanted to find.

He didn’t realize someone had walked up to him, before he didn’t notice water dripping down by his side. He looked up, immediately slamming his sketchbook closed. It was Byeongkwan. He was shirtless, drenched in water.

“Hey.” Byeongkwan greeted quietly as he sat down beside Sehyoon on the ground.

“Hi.” Sehyoon whispered back. He hoped Byeongkwan didn’t see anything he had drawn.

“Yuchan wasn’t lying.” Byeongkwan said a minute later and Sehyoon slightly turned his head to look at him. He didn’t understand what Byeongkwan was implying.

“What do you mean?” He asked, wondering if Byeongkwan was referring to Yuchan's earlier refusal to swim in the lake with others.

“When he said you were good at drawing. He didn’t lie.” Byeongkwan answered. He wasn’t looking at Sehyoon. He was staring ahead at something, small smile etched on his face. Sehyoon’s eyes followed the line of his sight. It didn’t stop at anything particular.

Sehyoon didn’t know what to say, so he remained silent. Byeongkwan always saw parts of him he didn’t wanted anyone to know. Byeongkwan was scaring him with his curious eyes. The mere presence of Byeongkwan scared him so much. He was dangerous to Sehyoon, to his secrets, to his darkness, to his past.

“I.. I want to ask you something.” Byeongkwan said, softly, as if he was afraid Sehyoon would run away before he could ask his question.

“Wh.. What is it?” Sehyoon's eyes darted around in nervousness before seeking Yuchan.

“It’s about Chan.” Byeongkwan told him and Sehyoon thought he had an idea of what the other male wanted to ask.

“What is it?” He repeated in a small, trembling voice. He wasn’t sure if Byeongkwan could hear him. He wasn't sure if he wanted to know what Byeongkwan was about to ask.

“Does.. Does he also hurt himself? Because if he does then I’m going to ha..” Byeongkwan started off, his voice started to raise along with the words that slipped out of his mouth. Sehyoon’s heart pounded so heard against his chest, he thought it could rip his ribcage apart.

“No, he doesn’t. He doesn’t, Byeongkwan. He doesn't.” He cut him off. He couldn’t bear listening to such assumption. It scared him and tore him apart. Yuchan didn’t hurt himself. Yuchan wasn’t like his older brother. It wasn’t Yuchan that hurt him, but others.

“I don’t think he has any bad experience with swimming.” Byeongkwan said, his eyes also trained on the younger boy sitting on the dock. “I think he loves water.” Byeongkwan added and turned to face Sehyoon, who avoided his eyes. Donghun was walking on the dock towards Yuchan, who was lost in his thoughts and seemed like he hadn't noticed the presence of the other.

“He loves water.” Sehyoon confirmed, eyes fixed on the scene playing out few meters away from where they sat. Donghun was now sitting beside Yuchan. Younger was leaning against his naked, water soaked body. Sehyoon found uneasiness starting to settle in his stomach. Donghun’s arm sneaked around Yuchan and pressed younger closer to his side before placing a kiss on his head. Sehyoon’s eyes kept focusing and unfocusing on the sight.

“Then why does he..” Byeongkwan started, his gaze was also resting on two males at the dock.

“It’s something you don’t need to know, Byeongkwan.” Sehyoon cut him off, his voice firm. He knew what Byeongkwan wanted to ask and Byeongkwan didn’t need to know the answer. Not when his younger brother was happy finding his lost childhood dreams in Donghun’s gentle arms. Not when Yuchan was trying so hard to forget, to move on from his past.

“If you are afraid of scaring us away with your secrets, just know that it’s too late for us to run away now.” Byeongkwan told him. Sehyoon hated him, hated his words, hated the meaning his words implied. He stayed quiet. He didn’t know what to say. He was afraid that if he opened his mouth, he would end up telling all of his well hidden dark secrets to Byeongkwan. Instead he turned his eyes back to his younger brother. Junhee had joined them. He was looking up at his boyfriend and Yuchan from the water, arms rested on the dock. He didn’t know what they were saying, but whatever it was, it was causing Yuchan to smile – a wide, bright, beaming, lovely, genuine smile. Sehyoon forced himself to turn his eyes away when the ache in his chest got too unbearable.

“You don’t have to worry. They’re a good people.” Byeongkwan said to him. He could see beyond Sehyoon’s façade once again. Sehyoon experienced Déjà vu. He had heard those words from Byeongkwan before and he could also remember his own answer.

“That doesn’t mean good people won’t hurt you.” He whispered in a quiet murmur. Byeongkwan turned his eyes on him, soft smile on his face.

“Sometimes all it takes is to trust others.” Byeongkwan told him. His answer was different this time. Byeongkwan knew what they were running from, he was sure Byeongkwan had figured out by now.

“So they can tear you apart?” Sehyoon asked and Byeongkwan’s smile started to falter.

“I would never..” He started off, hurriedly, as if he was running out of time to prove his honesty to Sehyoon. Sehyoon laughed.

“We’re not talking about you, Byeongkwan.” He said, his hand softly grazed Byeongkwan’s but before the other male could hold onto it, he slipped it away instead holding onto the ink he had put away on the ground earlier. He sighed and got up, silently leaving Byeongkwan alone with his jumbled mind.

They weren’t talking about Byeongkwan. No, every time someone mentioned trust Sehyoon’s mind automatically drifted to his uncle. To the man who had tear his ability to trust others apart, to the man who had tear Sehyoon as a person, as a human being apart. To the man who tried to broke Yuchan but failed, because Yuchan was strong and was nothing like his older brother. It’s hard to win someone’s trust, but it’s easy to use it for your own intentions and personal gain. However, it's even harder to learn how to trust again, when the first time you had been tore apart because of trusting someone, someone who had promised you the world, but left you gasping for breath on the ground. Sehyoon’s trust had been used against him in order to tear him apart by the someone who was supposed to be his family, by the someone who promised him and Yuchan happiness and love, by the someone who also tried to break Yuchan’s ability to trust others a[art. It was hard for Sehyoon to trust again. Not after when his trust destroyed not only his, but his younger brother’s life.

They weren’t talking about Byeongkwan, but that didn’t mean Sehyoon would be able to trust the other. Byeongkwan scared him. It scared him that Byeongkwan could see behind his façade. It scared him that Byeongkwan could tear him apart, for once and all, for the one last time.

 

*******

 

Sehyoon heard voices from the outside of his tent. He sat up before relaxing and lying back down. The voices sounded familiar. He heard Yuchan’s loud giggles before younger poked his head inside their tent and crawled in beside his older brother.

“Sehyoon, you’re here.” He said as a matter of fact and rolled over next to him. Sehyoon gently pushed hair out of his brother’s face, younger’s sparkling eyes blinking at him. “Donghun and Byeongkwan are starting a bonfire.” Yuchan informed him, snuggling up closer to the older. Shudder run through Sehyoon’s body as soon as Yuchan’s t-shirt came in contact with his. Younger was completely drenched in water.

“Your clothes are wet.” Sehyoon told him and Yuchan immediately pulled away, sitting up. He gave Sehyoon a sheepish smile.

“Donghun hugged me.” Sehyoon knew he did. He saw it with his own eyes. Yuchan blushed and looked down shyly. His reaction caught Sehyoon by surprise. Younger was getting shy just by the mention of the other man’s name. Sehyoon’s heart trembled. He was worried. He was more than worried for Yuchan.

“You’d change.” He told the younger and sat up. Yuchan nodded and crawled over to his backpack, digging in to find another t-shirt. Younger slipped out of his wet t-shirt and Sehyoon immediately turned his face away. He couldn’t look at bruises that covered Yuchan’s entire body. They drove him mad. They reminded him of all the mistakes he had made. They reminded him of all the pain he had caused to his younger brother. Guilt and shame ate him alive, slowly, painfully, putting him through so much agony that he felt like he would lose his mind.

“I’m done.” Yuchan whispered and Sehyoon turned back to him. His heart burned. Yuchan had caught him avoiding to look at him. He always tried to not make it noticeable for the younger, but Yuchan knew now. He saw how his older brother turned his eyes away from his bruised body. He just hoped Yuchan knew that Sehyoon didn’t turn his eyes away from him because he disgusted his older brother. No. Sehyoon couldn’t look at them, because they made him feel disgusting. His mind kept screaming at him that it was all his fault. _It’s your fault Sehyoon. You broke him. You broke him down._

“I love you so much, Chan.” A quiet cry escaped his lips and younger immediately crawled over him, pulling him in a hug.

“I love you too, Sehyoon.” Younger pressed a kiss on Sehyoon’s temple, tightening his arms around the other’s neck. He hoped Sehyoon knew how much he loved him. Sehyoon was Yuchan’s happiness, his sun, his delight, his one and only family and Yuchan loved him dearly, with his whole heart.

“Channie?” Junhee’s call disturbed the comfortable silence between them. Sehyoon gently pulled away from younger’s embrace. He didn’t want to hold Yuchan back from enjoying his life. Not anymore. Not now. Not ever again.

“Yes?” Younger called out back, but his eyes still remained on Sehyoon.

“Fire is on.” Junhee said before shuffling away from the tent. Yuchan remained silent until he was sure Junhee was out of the hearing distance.

“Sehyoon.” He started off, quietly. He reached out to rest his hand on his older brother’s cheek. Sehyoon leaned in his touch. “You do believe me when I say I love you, right? Because I do, Sehyoon. I love you more than anything else in the world. You’re all I have left, Sehyoon. You’re my only family and I love you so much.” Yuchan felt a single tear rolling down on his cheek. He wanted Sehyoon to believe him. He needed Sehyoon to believe, to know that Yuchan loved him, because he did. He truly did. He loved his brother so much.

“I do, Channie. I do. Don’t worry, I do.” And he did. How could he not when his younger brother sacrificed his own happiness, his own body, his own well being to his older brother’s happiness and safety? How could he not believe his words when Yuchan broke himself while trying to save Sehyoon from harm? How could he not believe that Yuchan loved him, when younger tore himself apart in the process of trying to protect his older brother? Of course, he did. He had never doubted younger’s words, not even once in his life.

He reached out to wipe Yuchan’s tears away, pulling him in a hug.

They sat in silence for quite some time, desperately clutching onto each other. Yuchan broke himself for Sehyoon’s happiness once and Sehyoon would gladly sacrifice his own life for Yuchan’s.

“Sehyoon?” Younger mumbled into his shoulder.

“What is it, Chan?” He asked, softly.

“Don’t you feel like we have never had a home before? Don’t you think we have never belonged there?” Yuchan said and Sehyoon hummed in return, urging him to finish voicing his thoughts out. “I.. I think maybe we have never had an actual home before and home is somewhere we’re going, somewhere we have never been before, somewhere out there waiting for us to come.” Sehyoon couldn’t see Yuchan's face, but he knew younger was crying. He didn’t know if he had ever had a home, he didn’t know if there was one out there waiting for him to come, but he hoped that there was home somewhere waiting for Yuchan to come. He suddenly thought of silent touches, adoring smiles and loving gazes exchanged between his younger brother and two band singers and he thought he finally understood what Yuchan was coming from.

“I think you’ve already found your home, Channie.” Sehyoon whispered, his hold gentle on younger’s fragile, trembling body.

Home didn’t have to be a place. Yuchan’s home wasn’t a place. He had found home in two strangers’ arms.

 

*******

 

When both brothers managed to calm down and return to their usual states they went out to join the others. The sun was long gone and the area was light up only by the fire. Sehyoon looked around. He could hear distant sounds of singing and laughing. He could see beams of bonfires scattered around the lake. He liked it here. It was calming.

“Junhee.” He heard Yuchan cry out next to him, but when he turned around his younger brother was already bounding up to Junhee who was sitting beside the fire, beaming up at the younger. “I’m hungry.” He heard Yuchan whine to the older male, causing Junhee to laugh.

“When did you get so cute?” Junhee gently pulled the younger down beside him and proceeded to pinch his cheeks. His attempts left Yuchan giggling and squirming.

“Give him food, Jun. You can bruise his cheeks later.” Donghun scolded his boyfriend. Sudden, loud gasp left Sehyoon’s mouth. Everyone’s attention turned on him. He inhaled sharply, convincing his mind that Donghun didn’t mean his words in a harmful way, he was just talking about playfully pinching his younger brother’s cheeks. He didn’t mean bruising him in any other ways. He just meant showing affection to Yuchan.

“Is something wrong, Sehyoon?” Donghun turned his concerned eyes on him. Sehyoon’s eyes landed on Byeongkwan who was looking at him, worried. He looked like he was about to get up and rush to Sehyoon’s side. He forced his gaze back to Donghun.

“I.. Yes.. I’m alright.” He managed to give him a shaky smile. Donghun returned it kindly and gestured him to sit beside Byeongkwan in front of the fire.

“Are you hungry?” Donghun asked him when he took his place next to Byeongkwan, whose worried eyes followed him all the way and finally trailed on his face.

“Not really.” He mumbled in return, but Donghun still passed him over a plate full of sandwiches, urging him to have some. Sehyoon felt Yuchan’s concerned gaze on him. He looked up at the younger. He was sure Yuchan understood what has triggered his reaction earlier. He knew it better than Sehyoon, he just didn’t let such things bother him anymore, any longer. Sehyoon was proud of his younger brother, of his inner strength. Yuchan truly was the strongest boy in the world. He was the bravest boy the world have ever known. Sehyoon wished he could be like his younger brother. He wished he had even the slightest bit of bravery and courage of his brother in him. He wished he could be different – brave, strong, full of life.

He gave Yuchan a smile, reassured him that he was fine. Younger smiled back before returning his attention back to Junhee, who was patiently holding plate out for younger to take.

“You should eat.” Byeongkwan whispered beside him when he noticed that Sehyoon had no intentions of starting to eat. Sehyoon shifted in his seat so he could face Byeongkwan better. “You haven’t eaten anything since the morning.” The other male sounded worried. Genuine smile found its way on Sehyoon’s face, causing Byeongkwan’s breath to caught. It was rare, only shown to Yuchan on the good days, and it was beautiful. Byeongkwan wanted to look at Sehyoon’s genuine smile for the rest of his life.

“You don’t have to worry about me, Byeongkwan.” He told the other male. He tried his best to sound thankful. He was thankful of Byeongkwan - terrified and thankful at the same time.

“I want to worry about you, Sehyoon.” Byeongkwan gave him a soft smile in return. He sounded genuine. Sehyoon didn’t understand why someone would want to worry about him. He couldn’t understand why Byeongkwan would.

“I don’t want you to worry about me, Byeongkwan.” Sehyoon tried again, his words held different meaning this time. He just hoped Byeongkwan would understand what he truly meant. The other male always understood hidden meanings of his answers.

“Don’t make me worried then.” Byeongkwan’s smile turned into grin, his eyes smiled. Sehyoon turned his face away from the sight. His eyes caught Donghun’s who was observing them with soft, kind smile. He nodded at the plate on Sehyoon’s lap, joining his best friend to convince him to eat. Sehyoon casted his eyes on the ground. He couldn’t understand why someone would care about him, why someone he had met a week ago would be worried about him. But looking at the people sitting around the fire with him made him think that maybe there were people in the world who didn’t need a reason to care about someone else and maybe he had accidentally found those people.

 

*******

 

Donghun passed Sehyoon a can of beer but he refused. He didn’t drink. He would never. Losing even the slightest control over his ability to making decisions scared him. His mind kept coming up with different scenarios of what possibly could happen if he were to drink too much and all of them scared Sehyoon so much. So he refused every time Donghun or Byeongkwan offered. The others drank well. Donghun and Byeongkwan drank a lot. Junhee only had three cans of beer and he was already giggly and flushed face. He kept patting Yuchan on the cheeks, cooing at how cute he looked. Older's actions caused Yuchan to burst into his own fit of giggles far too many times. Yuchan had never drank in his life and he was curious of how it tasted so when Junhee offered he took a sip from the other male’s can, his face instantly twisting in disgust. Everyone laughed at his reaction, while Junhee melted into continuous cooing about how adorable Yuchan was.

“You guys should sing something.” Byeongkwan suggested when everyone was flushed face and tired of joking around and Junhee immediately straightened up on where he sat on the ground, clasping his hands together in approval.

“Channie sweetheart, is your guitar here?” He asked younger, who nodded and left to retrieve his guitar from the tent. Junhee giggled and fell over his boyfriend’s lap. “He’s so cute, Hun.” He murmured and Donghun gave his boyfriend a loving, warm smile before his turning his eyes to Sehyoon to check if his boyfriend’s words caused any discomfort for the other. His expression changed to relieved, when he noticed that Sehyoon hadn’t even heard them. He looked absent from the place. He was hugging his knees to his chest, chin rested on top of them, gazing at the burning fire. Donghun noticed that he wasn’t the only one looking. Byeongkwan head a dreamy smile on his face, his eyes were trained on Sehyoon. His best friend flushed when he caught Donghun’s knowing smile and turned his head away from the other. Byeongkwan couldn’t help staring. Sehyoon looked absolutely and utterly beautiful under the dim light of burning fire.

Yuchan came back few seconds later carrying his guitar with him. Junhee and Donghun sang few songs of their own. They were calm and soothing. Their voices were beautiful and full of different emotions, causing everyone to sit still and listen. Sehyoon came back to his senses when he heard the familiar song, the one he had heard in Byeongkwan’s car on the very first day of their encounter. Acoustic version was just as beautiful and comforting as the original one. Sehyoon found himself loving the song – comforting, soothing, calming. It made him feel so many different emotions and nothing at all at the same time. His mind was blank. He just sat beside the fire and listened to whatever Junhee and Donghun had to say to them with their songs, sharing their stories of happiness, heartbreaks, sadness, loneliness, beauty, longing and love. Sehyoon loved this moment. He wished he could stop the time, so they could remain in this moment forever – some happy, some relieved, some comforted, some madly in love.

Everyone felt silent when Donghun’s and Junhee’s voices faded away. Junhee gently laid Yuchan’s guitar down. Younger male leaned down and rested his head on Junhee’s thigh. Donghun’s arms sneaked around his lover, shifting around to press Junhee’s back tightly against his chest. Junhee smiled up at him, his fingers playing on Yuchan’s curls. They looked happy and in love and Sehyoon felt sudden rush of warmness spreading through his entire body. His hand brushed against Byeongkwan’s. He turned his face to look at the other male. There was a small, sad smile resting on Byeongkwan’s lips. He was gazing at the burning, cracking fire. Sehyoon rested his chin on top of his knees but instead of looking at the flames, his eyes roamed on Byeongkwan’s face illuminated by fire. Sehyoon felt uncomfortable churning in his heart, but he tried to ignore it. Instead he forced his mind to concentrate on his and Byeongkwan’s hands which were gently grazing one another on the ground. He didn’t know what to make out of it and just for tonight he promised himself that he wouldn’t try.

 


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi there!!!  
> Thanks a lot everyone for reading and leaving kudos and comments behind. Reading your comments makes me so happy. (^^-^^)  
> This chapter is short compared to the previous ones, but i couldn't do anything about it. Things are going to change in the next chapter and i had to cut it short here. I still hope you will enjoy reading this. This chapter shows some of the fears characters have and how they affect the decisions they make.  
> I didn't get to fix the mistakes as usual, so i apologize for that.  
> Enjoy reading this chapter. (^^-^^)

 

**Chapter Twenty-Five**

 

Sehyoon woke up at dawn. Yuchan was still fast asleep beside him. He tried to go back to sleep, but his mind was in chaos and made it impossible for him to rest and concentrate on sleeping. He sighed, before quietly slipping out of the tent. Everything was drowning in silence. Sehyoon wished his mind could be just as calm as the nature around him. Bonfire was long dead, leaving grey ashes behind. He decided to take a walk before anyone would wake up. He wanted to untangle messy bundle of his thoughts. He didn’t know what he was thinking yesterday night, sitting beside Byeongkwan, his hand brushing against the other’s. Was he trying to break Byeongkwan, to show him how cruel life could be to someone who easily trusted? He couldn’t understand what was happening, what he was doing. He hated the way his body reacted, how his mind seemed to seek comfort in the other male’s presence. He hated his heart for being foolish, for believing in meaningless words and promises that would be nothing, but forgotten with time. He hated how hope, warmness, relief, comfort seemed to slip away from his grasp just as fast as they came. He couldn’t keep himself bounded with happiness. It kept coming back for seconds and instantly fading away. He hated his mind for working the way it did. He hated his heart for feeling the way it did. Hope was lost, gone, dead. Sehyoon didn’t want to think that it could be found, returned, brought back to life. It was gone since the day his uncle first touched him. It was gone along with shy smiles and heartfelt laughter that used to escape his lips. It was gone along with happiness, desires, dreams, wishes, trust. When hope left Sehyoon’s side, it took everything with it – his will to live, his will to seek happiness, his will to love, to trust, to let himself be comforted by someone else. His uncle tore it away from him when he was innocent, easily fooled child.

His feet carried him to the lake. It looked unmoving, silent, unbothered by its surroundings. Sehyoon found himself drawn to it. He stepped closer until calm, clear water came in touch with his clothed feet. He crouched down to run his hand in the cool water. It felt nice against his skin – soothing, comforting. He found himself instantly loving the feeling of it. He finally understood why Yuchan loved to run his hands through water. He understood why soft, but sad smile always found way on younger’s lips. It was giving you comfort, every brush through it felt healing.

He had to resist a violent jolt of his body when someone stepped closer next to him. He didn’t look up. He didn’t want to be distracted from the comforting feeling. It was soothing the chaos in his mind. He hoped that whoever the intruder was would leave.

“It’s so nice out there, isn’t it?” He heard the stranger next to him ask. The voice sounded familiar. Sehyoon glanced up. It was Donghun. He was hovering over him with soft, content smile on his face, gazing ahead in the horizon. He found himself nodding, before turning his attention back to the lake. “You seem to enjoy the silence a lot.” Donghun told him quietly, as if he was trying to not disturb the quiet around them.

“I do.” Sehyoon whispered. He wasn’t sure if Donghun would hear him.

“I do too.” The other male said as he crouched down beside him and run his hand through water like him. “But sometimes it gets too loud, deafening almost.” Donghun said and Sehyoon understood what the other meant. He was not the only one who found silence deafening. “It’s inside of you, but it’s so loud. Everything comes together, it’s all there, everything you have ever wanted to run from. It’s only you, your thoughts, feelings and silence.” Donghun carried on. Sehyoon listened. He could find himself in the other male’s words. Donghun’s presence felt calming, comforting, as if his soft, hushed whispers had become part of the quiet surrounding them. Sehyoon knew what it was like to feel and understand silence inside of you. He knew how hard it was to keep things out of it. He knew how unbearable it became when everything crashed together all at once, at the same time. “Do you feel it a lot, Sehyoon?” Donghun asked him, his hands swaying through the water, gaze focused on something ahead, something Sehyoon’s couldn’t see.

“All the time.” Sehyoon found himself answering, his words honest. They were short, but carried the huge meaning behind them. He felt it all the time, no matter what he did, where he went. It was always here, in him, eating him alive.

“What do you do when it gets too loud?” Donghun asked again. Sehyoon’s heart pounded hard against his chest at the other’s words. _What did he do?_   He knew what he did whenever it got too loud, too unbearable, too much to take. Byeongkwan knew too. Sehyoon hurt himself.

“Nothing. I don’t do anything at all.” Sehyoon answered, lying. Donghun didn’t need to know about it.

“I always talk to Jun when it gets too loud. Sometimes there are things he doesn’t understand but he listens, listens and holds onto my hands until it gets to start quiet down again, until it goes back to normal, until there’s only comfort of his hands left.” Donghun whispered, his voice was barely noticeable, but Sehyoon heard everything loud and clear. Every word that left Donghun’s mouth reached him and left sharp wound against his pounding heart. He remained silent. He wasn’t Donghun. He didn’t have Junhee. Their stories were completely different. “It’s better to share it with someone sometimes before it gets too much, before it starts eating away at your soul. Sometimes it’s better to share the burden, Sehyoon. Even if they may not completely understand, sometimes it’s better to let go of certain things, so better ones can come and take their place.” Donghun told him, his gaze slowly focused on Sehyoon. There was a sad, lonely smile on his lips. “Don’t let it deafen your mind.” He whispered before getting up and retreating from the lake. Sehyoon turned his eyes back to the water brushing against his hand in a gentle manner. He couldn’t see the way out. He didn’t know how to share his silence. It was always him and his thoughts – always alone, always in pain, screaming at nothing but his own silence.

 

*******

 

Byeongkwan woke up with throbbing head. He sat up, groaning. He had drank more than his usual limit yesterday night, but he couldn’t help himself. He was so frustrated and confused about everything, about the man that sat with him beside the fire yesterday night, silent, their hands gently brushing against one another. He wasn’t sure if what he remembered was true or simply something his drank mind made up for its own pleasure. He wished it was true. It felt true, it felt real. But it also felt too good to be true. He wasn’t sure. But he could still feel the tenderness of Sehyoon’s hand grazing his. It was entrancing. He thought he would freak out on the other male when their hands first came in contact, but to his surprise, he didn’t. He was too shocked by the sudden connection to do anything, to say anything, to ask important questions and he wasn’t sure if Sehyoon would want to talk about it today. He never did. He never talked about things that happened between them. They lasted while they did. Sehyoon didn’t want to remember them. Byeongkwan did. He wanted to remember them so much it hurt, but he couldn’t do anything. He had to be patient with Sehyoon. He came to believe that only patience could open up Sehyoon to him, so he decided to wait. He just hoped time wouldn’t run out for them, for him. He needed Sehyoon’s trust in order to heal him. He wanted to remember every moment, every silent brush of their hands, every gaze, every smile shared between them, but he couldn’t until Sehyoon decided to remember them as well.

He slowly got up and slipped out of the tent. Donghun and Yuchan were lying down on the blanket, listening to Junhee’s complaints. His best friend was moaning about how much his head was hurting. Byeongkwan could relate. His head was throbbing and he regretted drinking so much, but he wanted to drink his worries away, to forget them for a while. And he did. Single brush of Sehyoon’s hand against his washed all of his worries away.

“Good morning sunshine.” Donghun grinned at him as he noticed Byeongkwan stumbling up to them. Yuchan rolled over to look at him. He was resting his head on Donghun’s stomach, while Junhee hovered over them, hands around his head.

“Morning.” He mumbled in return. “Is Sehyoon still asleep?” He sat down crossed legged on the same exact spot he sat yesterday next to the now gone bonfire. He looked around for the other male, but he was nowhere within his sight.

“He’s taking a walk.” Donghun told him, shaking his head toward the lake. “For almost two hours now.” He added and Yuchan giggled, whispering something about Sehyoon loving to walk around and explore the nature. Byeongkwan couldn’t really concentrate. His mind was lost wondering about the other male. He wanted to know how Sehyoon felt, if he still remembered the feeling of their fingers touching, if he was feeling as jumbled, lost and confused as Byeongkwan did, if he was feeling as hopeful as Byeongkwan did, if he wanted to talk about it, about them, about anything. Byeongkwan wanted to see him. He wanted to see the other male so much and look into his dark, dull eyes, he wanted to see his reflection in them and he wanted to ask questions that have been bothering him since the second he opened his eyes. He wanted to hear Sehyoon’s answers. Whatever it was, how hard or painful it was. He needed to know what the other man was thinking.

“Here, have some water.” Junhee dropped a bottle of water on Byeongkwan’s lap, sitting down next to him with loud groans.

“Thanks, Jun.” He flashed his best friend a thankful smile before chugging down the whole bottle.

“Easy, Kwan. You might choke.” Junhee laughed, before crying out in pain and placing his hands on his temples. Byeongkwan ignored him. His throat was dry to the extent it ached, he needed water. “I feel like my head is about to explode. “ Junhee complained before taking a sip out of his water bottle.

“I know the feeling.” Byeongkwan mumbled in return. He wasn’t sure if his head felt like it was going to explode because of hangover or because of so much pointless thinking. This wasn’t like him at all. He couldn’t understand himself.

“How are you really?” Junhee gave him a small smile. Donghun must have told him something. He was sure Junhee wouldn’t have noticed himself. His best friend was too busy spending every second of his life devoting on the youngest of five of them.

“I’m okay I guess.” He told the other male. Junhee placed his hand on Byeongkwan’s knee, gently squeezing it.

“It will be alright. You will see.” Junhee sounded so sure, but Byeongkwan caught faltering in his smile. Not even his always positive and confident best friend was sure of things working out – not for Byeongkwan, not for himself and Donghun. “We’re lost too.” Junhee finally admitted. He looked tired. Byeongkwan didn’t know if it was from raging hangover or because of worrying himself about the youngest male.

“Why? He seems to like you both a lot.” Yuchan wasn’t hard to read. He wasn’t like his older brother. Byeongkwan was sure Sehyoon carried not only his, but Yuchan’s mysteries with him. He needed to find answers to them, in order to fully understand Yuchan. However, every time he looked at the younger male, he could see attachment and adoration in his eyes. He liked Donghun and Junhee so much. He spent every second of the day with them – joking, laughing, being carefree.

“He does but.. I don’t know. We don’t understand if he likes us like the way Hun and I do or just because he likes to talk with us about music. He’s confusing. I.. We don’t know how to approach him. We can’t really figure him out there's a lot missing and wh.. What if.. We’re worried that he.. He might freak out on us if.. If we tell him how.. How we feel about him. We’re so worried, Kwan.” Junhee tried to explain, stumbling on his own words. Byeongkwan could hear worry and frustration in his voice. His best friends really cared about Yuchan. He hoped that younger could return their feelings. He didn’t want his best friends to be heartbroken, they were the most precious people Byeongkwan had ever met and he was sure Yuchan needed someone like them in his life. Everyone could use some extra care and warmth, especially the ones like Yuchan and his older brother, especially the ones who lacked love and care, whose happiness had been tore away.

“I think he likes you the same way you guys do. If not more. Give him some time. He may come around on his own.” Byeongkwan told his best friend. He believed with his whole heart that Yuchan liked them the same way they did. He was sure if time chosen right, it would work out for the best. They could only hope that they had enough time.

“So we can only hope time won’t run out for us, huh?” Junhee laughed, it was bitter. Byeongkwan felt the same way. He nodded, because it was the truth, something none of them wanted to face. They could only hope for enough time. Enough time for the brothers to open up, to learn how to trust, how to let them in and he wasn’t sure if they had enough time for everything.

“Sehyoon!” He heard Yuchan cry out and his head immediately snapped up to search for the other male. Here he was, helping his younger brother up to his feet. He looked sad and beautiful. As usual. As always. His cheeks were red from the sun, his hair tousled. Byeongkwan felt like he was suffocating. Sehyoon looked so beautiful, but so out of reach.

Sehyoon turned his head slightly to look at him. Byeongkwan’s gaze must had been burning. He wanted Sehyoon to look at him the same way he did yesterday night. Smile at him softly the same way he did yesterday night. Their eyes met. Byeongkwan held his breath. Sehyoon barely nodded before turning away. His eyes were the same – distant, cold, dull. Byeongkwan felt his heart sunk. Junhee’s fingers on his knee tightened. He had to move on and act like nothing had happened once again.

 

*******

 

They left the lakeside after having breakfast and unmaking their small camp. Sehyoon offered to drive and Byeongkwan instantly accepted. His head was throbbing and his chest was feeling tight, he really didn’t have any strength or will to drive. The trio took their usual position on the backseat. Junhee who had been moaning in pain since the second he woke up was resting his head on Donghun’s lap, his feet comfortably resting on Yuchan’s thighs. Donghun had a content smile on his face, gazing out of the window, fingers running through his boyfriend’s hair. Yuchan had his head leaned against the window, eyes closed, he looked peaceful. His and Junhee’s fingers were intertwined.

Byeongkwan was slumped in his seat, eyes shut tightly. He looked pained. He would groan once in a while. Sehyoon did his best to concentrate on the road. His mind kept screaming and screeching and crying and he wanted to shut everything out. He wanted the screaming to stop. Alarms were going off in his head. _What do you want Sehyoon? What do you want? What do you want from him?_ He didn’t want anything from anyone, especially from Byeongkwan. He only wanted Yuchan to be safe and happy. He had no other purpose left in life, but his mind kept whispering something different to him and the whispers were the loudest he had ever heard. They took over his whole mind. He didn’t want to hurt Byeongkwan. He tried to push the other male away. Byeongkwan was hurting himself by staying by his side, trying to reach his hand out for Sehyoon, begging him to hold onto it. But Sehyoon wouldn’t, he couldn’t. He was scared and terrified. Anything and everything that were stirred by the other male in him terrified him. He didn’t want to hurt Byeongkwan. He would never want it. That’s why he had to push the other away, no matter how hard he tried to bring Sehyoon’s walls down, Sehyoon wouldn’t let him in. He didn’t want Byeongkwan to see how ugly his insides were, how broken and tainted Sehyoon was. He was terrified of what the other’s reaction would be if he did. He was sure Byeongkwan would be disgusted by the sight. Sehyoon himself was. How could he not. He was disgusting, his whole life was disgusting, things that had happened to him were disgusting. He didn’t want Byeongkwan to see him like that - bare, uncovered, destroyed. He was scared and he was breaking Byeongkwan with his cowardice, but he couldn’t help it. He was Kim Sehyoon for a reason. Cowardice was deeply engrained in his being. He couldn’t help but hide, run away from things that scared him. He didn’t want to run away from Byeongkwan, but at the same time he didn’t want to be near the other male. He was torn between his mind and heart, but his mind was stronger, his heart didn’t have enough power left in it, it was drained, shattered, fading. Sehyoon had to push Byeongkwan away, so he could protect him, stop him from tearing himself apart. He wanted Byeongkwan to understand that Sehyoon couldn't be fixed. He was broken for once and all.

He felt intense gaze observing him. He was sure it was Byeongkwan. No one else’s gaze burned as hard as Byeongkwan’s did. He tried to ignore it, concentrate on the road, but he could bear it for so long. He stole a quick glance from the other male. Byeongkwan was turned in his seat, facing Sehyoon, hand under his head. He looked comfortable. He was staring at him, eyes unblinking.

“Stop it please.” Sehyoon found himself whispering. He glanced at the others on the backseat. They looked peaceful and seemed to be deep in sleep.

“Staring?” Byeongkwan asked, unbothered by Sehyoon catching him staring. Sehyoon nodded, eyes trained on the road. “I will. Only when you stop running away.” He added and Sehyoon tried to seem unaffected.

“From what?” He asked in return. Byeongkwan laughed, bitter and hushed.

“From me.” He said in a breathy whisper. Sehyoon had to restrain himself from hitting brakes.

“But I’m not running away.” Sehyoon knew he was. And so did Byeongkwan. He just couldn’t admit it, not to himself nor to Byeongkwan.

“You are. We both know you are. But you can run for so long, Sehyoon and until then I will be waiting.” He told Sehyoon with a smile. Sehyoon would get tired of running one day and Byeongkwan would be there to offer his support to him. He would wait for Sehyoon’s legs to give out and he would be there to shoulder him.

“You can wait for so long, Byeongkwan. Time runs out.” Sehyoon smiled back at the other male. To his surprise, Byeongkwan’s smile didn’t falter. His eyes were warm, as if they were offering Sehyoon to drown in and find his lost warmness in them.

“I’m waiting for the second it does.” Byeongkwan said. He was terrified of time running out for him, for them, for his best friends and the youngest male. But Sehyoon didn't need to know it. This wasn't what Sehyoon needed to hear.

“What do you mean?” He asked. He couldn’t grasp the meaning of the other's words.

“When you think you have endless time nothing seems special, Sehyoon. But when we know our time is limited we start to appreciate things more, we find that they matter more than we thought they did.” Byeongkwan answered, smile still gracing his lips. Sehyoon hated him for his words, for his smiles. He remained silent. There was nothing for him to say. “I don’t want to force you anything, Sehyoon. I want you to realize it yourself. I want you to accept things not because you have to, but you want it.”

“Not all of us have choices, Byeongkwan.” Sehyoon said, voice trembling, hands clutching onto the steering wheel. Not everyone has a choice to decide what they want, what they need. Sehyoon didn’t. He never had. No one heard him when he begged for it.

“We do, Sehyoon. We always do. We can choose to move on, to forget things or we can dwell onto them until they tear us apart.” Byeongkwan told him. Sehyoon wanted to laugh. He wanted to laugh at the other’s face.

“You haven’t lived my life, Byeongkwan.” He whispered, voice cracked, hands trembling. It was easy for Byeongkwan to say. He could never understand. He hadn’t lived Sehyoon’s life. He had never been forced to do things against his will. He had never had his choices tore away from him.

“I haven’t. I just think that things that happen to us don’t define us. We’re more than our past and present. There are things that happen once, but we let them define our whole lives by holding onto them, by letting them poison our minds. I'm not saying that we can forget them completely, of course we can't. We just have to try not to let them swallow our whole beings. I want you to realize that whatever had happened to you Sehyoon isn’t who you are, you’re more than your past, more than scars on your arms, you’re more than broken, pitiful thing. You just have to see it and if you let your past go you will. Don’t let your life turn into a punishment.” Byeongkwan whispered, soft and quiet. He noticed single tear trailing down on Sehyoon’s cheek. He reached out to wipe it away.

“There are things that are easily said, but hard to be done, Byeongkwan.” He let Byeongkwan caress his cheek.

“I want you to let me help, Sehyoon. Let me help you do it.” He could hear pleas in the other male’s voice. He wouldn’t. He couldn't.

“I can’t, Byeongkwan. I can’t.” He said, breathless. He wished he could. He wished he wasn't like that. He wished he wasn't this broken, this hopeless, this lost. He wished for things to be different.

“But why, Sehyoon?” He pleaded. He needed to know the answer. He was desperate for it.

“Because I don’t want to hurt you.” Sehyoon whispered, one hand reached out for Byeongkwan’s on his cheek.

“You won’t.” Byeongkwan whispered back. Sehyoon knew he would. He knew himself. He remembered his past, everything in details. He knew even if he himself wouldn't hurt Byeongkwan, his past would. It would catch up somewhere on the way.

“I will.” He said and pushed Byeongkwan’s fingers away from his face. His heart burned in agony and he was sure so did Byeongkwan's.

 


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi there.  
> Thanks a lot for leaving such lovely words behind, it means a lot and i appreciate them so much. Thank you for reading and leaving kudos and comments on this story. (^^-^^)  
> I think this chapter is complete disappointment, but i couldn't really concentrate on writing. At first I thought it would be better to wait for some time to feel better and get back into the story again, but I'm worried that if I don't finish this before university starts I'll leave it unfinished. which is something i don't want to do.  
> We're emerging on the path of healing now. I will do my best to make the next chapters worth reading.  
> I didn't get to fix mistakes as usual, so i apologize for that.  
> Hope you will enjoy reading this chapter.

 

**Chapter Twenty-Six**

 

Sehyoon was woken up by hushed whispers sinking into his sleep induced mind. He could make out Yuchan’s voice. Younger was whispering something to someone in a quiet voice. Sehyoon could hear his younger brother giggling. His eyes instantly snapped open when what was happening finally sunk into his still hazy brain. He sat up, eyes darting around in search of Yuchan. The younger male was standing on the doorway talking to someone outside.

“Chan?” Sehyoon asked, voice coarse from sleep. Yuchan’s head immediately whipped to his direction, beaming at him.

“Sehyoon, good morning.” Younger greeted. Sehyoon slipped out of the bed.

“Who are you talking to?” He inquired, curious of who their guest was.

“It’s Jun.” Yuchan answered and Sehyoon's body relaxed immediately. He sprawled back on the bed. Few minutes later Yuchan closed the door and bounded inside the room. He rolled down beside Sehyoon. Wide, sparkling eyes gazing down at his older brother.

“What is it?” Sehyoon knew this face. It was the same one Yuchan used to get things he wanted when he was younger. It was the loveliest sight Sehyoon had seen in ages and he was ready to turn any of his younger brother’s wishes into reality.

“Junhee said that him and Hun are going to visit their friend’s studio who lives in the city.” Yuchan started off, in a cute manner, lips pursing. Sehyoon found himself smiling up at the younger. He knew what Yuchan wanted. He could read it on the other’s face. “He said that I can go, if I want to and if.. If you.. If it’s okay with you.” Yuchan eyes were wide, hopeful, sparkling. Sehyoon wouldn’t had been able to say no to his younger brother even if he actually wanted to. He knew Yuchan needed to get out, to let his mind wonder of the new things, make new memories, explore new places, move on from their past. He was hoping that while exploring new places Yuchan would also find somewhere he liked to stay and they could part ways from the three best friends. He hoped that his younger brother would find this somewhere soon, before it was too late. Sehyoon knew they needed to get away from the others. He needed to get away from Byeongkwan, before it wasn’t too late, before Byeongkwan would hurt himself.

“Do you want to?” He asked and Yuchan immediately jumped up on his feet, beaming.

“Of course, I do.”

“You’d get ready then.” Sehyoon told him and Yuchan bounced on him, taking him by surprise. He still managed to catch younger before he could fall of the bed. Sehyoon laughed, it was genuine and wholehearted. Yuchan’s excitement was rubbing on him.

He kissed younger’s forehead, patting him on the back. He wished he could keep Yuchan this happy, this excited, this lively for their entire lives.

 

*******

 

Sehyoon bid Yuchan goodbye as excited Junhee dragged him out of their hotel room. He closed the door behind them, their giggles still reaching his ears. Yuchan was happy with the others and Sehyoon didn’t want to take it away from him. He sighed and retreated inside the room. The single window of their hotel room was open, letting inside warm summer breeze. He sat down on the sill as soft sigh escaped his lips. His thoughts swarmed him as soon as he was left alone, as soon as Yuchan’s loud, merry giggles faded away. He could hear sirens going off in his head, his heart churning. He shouldn’t have sent Yuchan alone with Junhee and Donghun. His mind was coming up with thousands of different scenarios of what could possibly happen to the younger, while he was out of Sehyoon's reach. He tried to push them aside, reassured himself that Donghun and Junhee would never let anything harmful to happen to his younger brother. He leaned against the wall, eyes fluttering close. His mind wondered over Byeongkwan. Only Junhee and Donghun were going to visit their friend along with Yuchan. Byeongkwan was left behind in the hotel like him. He wondered if the other male was alone, if he was also fighting to not let his thoughts push him to the edge. He remembered his conversation with byeongkwan from yesterday. He could recall every word that had left Byeongkwan’s mouth clearly.

_Don’t let your life turn into punishment._

_You’re more than your past, Sehyoon._

_Let me help you do it._

He wasn’t more than his past. His past was what was left of him. He was nothing but the things that had happened to him. They had turned him into a such coward, lost, confused, hopeless, lifeless creature. He wasn’t who he used to be. He would never return to his old self. He couldn’t even remember what kind of person he was before what happened to him. Real Sehyoon was lost, gone, long dead. He couldn’t find him, no matter how loud, how hard, how much he screamed for it to come back, he searched for him, cried for him he didn’t come back. He wouldn’t, because there was nothing left of him. Not anymore. He was lost and it was impossible to find him.

His life was a punishment. It was. He could compare his life to Tartarus - full of torment and suffering. He had to live with himself, his scars, his bruises, his hopelessness, his pain, his past, his memories, his thoughts every day, every second of his remaining life. Survival was the biggest torture for him. He didn’t want it to continue. He wanted life to stop happening around him. He wanted pain to stop. He wanted to get away from his past for once and all. But he couldn’t. Not yet. He had to endure it a bit longer and he would. He would endure everything for Yuchan. 

Sehyoon wanted to stop surviving, but he wasn’t sure if there was any way from him to learn how to live. It had been so long since the last time he had actually enjoyed living. Past 8 years of his life had been nothing but mere survival and he wanted it to stop. He wanted to stop surviving.

 _Let me help you,_ Byeongkwan had said. But he couldn’t. Byeongkwan was out of his reach. Byeongkwan was too good to be true. He was too good for him. He deserved more than destroyed, filth covered, broken, lifeless Sehyoon. Byeongkwan deserved much more than him. He wouldn’t let Byeongkwan destroy his life. He wouldn’t let himself destroy Byeongkwan’s future. He deserved more than Sehyoon. He deserved more than him.

Sudden, quiet knock on the door jolted him out of his thoughts. His eyes immediately snapped open, head whipping to the door. He remained silent, waiting for the sound to repeat. He wasn’t sure if it was part of his imagination or he had really heard it. It echoed once more a second later. He quietly pushed himself off the window sill. Just as he was about to turn the handle around and open the door, Byeongkwan’s voice came from the other side, instantly freezing him on the spot.

“Sehyoon?” He heard Byeongkwan call out for him. He remained silent. He didn’t want to see the other man. He needed to sort his thoughts out first. “Sehyoon, are you in there?” Byeongkwan called out again. Sehyoon didn’t answer back. “I’m going out for breakfast and I was wondering if you wanted to join in. Sehyoon?” Byeongkwan kept talking to no one in particular. Sehyoon listened in silence. He wondered how long Byeongkwan was going to stand in front of his hotel room and talk to no one, but black, closed door. Few minutes later, he heard Byeongkwan’s loud, heavy sigh and footsteps retreating from the door. He breathed out in relief, paddling to his bed. He fell onto it heavily. Byeongkwan needed to leave him alone. He knew he was acting childish by hiding away in his room, but the feeling was familiar, so painfully familiar to him. It wasn’t the first time Sehyoon had to hide himself away in a room, but the reason now was different. Back then he used to hide from his uncle, who wanted nothing, but to abuse and humiliate him. As for now, he was hiding himself from Byeongkwan, but the reason was completely different. This time he didn’t want to hurt Byeongkwan. He didn’t want to give him hopes only to tear them down later. He had to do this. Hiding was something Sehyoon was good at. He used to be good at hiding from his uncle, from the other kids, other people. He was good at hiding his scars, his pain, his past, his secrets. He was good at hiding himself until Byeongkwan came along. He wasn’t sure if he could hide some of those things from Byeongkwan. The other man saw through them no matter how hard Sehyoon tried. Byeongkwan saw more of Sehyoon than anyone had ever seen and it was terrifying him.

He slipped down on the floor from bed, leaning against it. His hands were aching. He needed a distraction. He wished for Yuchan to come back soon. Byeongkwan had taken his pack of cigarettes and lighter away and he hadn't had time to buy new ones. His hands were itching. He needed to find something. Something that could ease his desire of hurting himself. He needed something to take his mind off. He needed to kill the screaming silence in his head. He needed.. _What? What do you need Kim Sehyoon? What do you need?_ He needed to draw. Draw whatever he was feeling, however he was feeling, until there was nothing but blankness left in his head.

He reached out for his backpack lying beside the bedside table. While searching for his ink, his fingers brushed against the plastic bag Byeongkwan had given him few days ago. He pushed them aside, hating the feeling they stirred in his stomach. He found his desired black ink and rested back against the bed. His thoughts were a tangled mess. He needed to clear his head.

As soon as ink came in touch with blank sheet his hands started to move on their own, mirroring each of Sehyoon’s thoughts into messy, black lines. He had no idea what they were thriving for, what they desired to convey his thoughts into. He waited for the outcome with caught breath. Lines started to slowly shape themselves, features and details coming to life little by little. It took too long for his chaotic mind to realize what his hands were wishing to shape on the blank paper. It was Byeongkwan - all chained up, teary, bruised, broken. There were someone’s abnormally long hands snaking around him, suffocating and putting him through agony. They were Sehyoon’s. He knew they were his. He was the one chaining Byeongkwan, draining his desire of life, driving him to the edge, staining his face with tears. He was the cause of Byeongkwan’s unhappiness just as he was Yuchan’s, anyone else's. Sehyoon was a curse for every person dear to him. He slammed the sketchbook close, pushing it aside. He couldn’t look at his drawing. He couldn’t look at broken Byeongkwan staring back at him from the white sheet. He hated the sight. He hated how even his hands thought that he was hurting Byeongkwan. He knew he did. He just wasn’t ready to face the truth. Admitting it to himself felt more agonizing. He didn’t know what to do anymore. He could only sit still and hate himself.

 

**Chapter Twenty-Seven**

 

“Did you had fun, Channie?” Junhee asked when he settled down in his seat beside the younger boy. They were taking a taxi back to the hotel. Donghun was sitting on the passenger seat, while they occupied the back.

“I did. It was so much fun and I learned a lot. Thank you so much for bringing me with you.” Yuchan beamed at the older, holding onto his hand tightly. Junhee’s heart swelled at the sight. He loved when younger smiled like this - happy, excited, bright, full of life. As if he held all the happiness and beauty in the world within himself. He was thankful him and Donghun could bring such precious smile on Yuchan’s face. Younger’s smile made them feel just as happy and content with life. Yuchan’s happinesss wasn’t only Yuchan’s. When he was excited and happy so was everyone else around him. His happiness was everyone else’s happiness around him. He radiated it through his bright smiles and sparkling eyes. Younger’s happiness was like a virus, spreading among them drastically.

“I’m glad you did.” Junhee told him as he rested his head on Yuchan’s shoulder.

“It would have been better if I had sang, wouldn’t it?” Younger asked suddenly, catching both Donghun and Junhee off guard. Donghun turned around to give him a smile.

“It’s alright, Channie. You will have plenty of chances in the future.” He flashed the younger male encouranging smile. Both Junhee and Yuchan smiled back at him at the same time. He could feel his heartbeat speeding up. He could swear this was the most beautiful sight in the entire universe and he was grateful he was the one witnessing it.

“Hun is right, Channie. This is just the beginning.” Junhee squeezed Yuchan’s hand gently, giving him silent, unspoken promise. Yuchan rested his head on the top of the other male’s. His heart was at ease, mind untroubled.

He loved Donghun and Junhee so much. He wished he could find a way to tell them how he felt. How his heart was about to jump out of his chest every time they smiled at him, they grabbed his hands to lead the way, caressed his hair or cheeks to give him some comfort, treated him with utmost care and love, as if even the slightest touch of wind could break him. Maybe it could, but he wouldn’t know. Junhee and Donghun were beside him to shield him from it, from anything that were to come his way. He wanted to tell them how safe and protected, how happy and content he felt when he was beside them, when they were beside him. He loved both males so much, equally and he was still struggling to come in to terms with himself. He wasn’t sure about many things in life, but he was sure he loved them and they loved him. He could see it from the glances, from the touches, from the smiles. However, he couldn’t tell them, he couldn’t confess how he truly felt, he could only show it. He couldn’t tell, because he wasn’t sure how things would turn out for him, for Sehyoon, for them, for everyone. He wasn’t sure and he was afraid that it would hurt more to get separated with them if the confessions of how they truly felt were spoken. Not only felt in secret, but heard and known.

“What are you thinking of Channie?” He heard Junhee whisper. He was thinking of so many things at the same time and it hurt so much that he couldn’t admit any of them to Junhee. He was scared of how they would react. He was scared of Junhee and Donghun hating him for his past, for the things that had happened to him. He couldn’t risk telling them. He knew he needed to tell, but he was too scared, too afraid to say anything, to confess his darkest memories to the people, who cared about him so much, who adored him more than anyone else. He wondered if they would still care for him and love him the same way if they knew how filthy he was, if they knew the things that had happened to him, if they were to see the bruises covering his entire body. He felt tears stinging in his eyes. He forced the lump stuck in his throat down. Shaky breath escaped his lips. Both Donghun and Junhee turned to look at him, concerned. Yuchan wondered if they would still be as worried as they were now if they knew what kind of boy he really was, if they knew he wasn’t as beautiful as he looked on the outside.

“Channie?” Donghun called for him, softly, almost like a whisper. His unclear eyes focused on the other male. Donghun looked worried. His hand was outstretched for Yuchan to take. He instantly held onto it, clutching onto it for his dear life.

“I’m alright. I.. I.. I’m really alright.” He tried to reassure the worried lovers. His voice was trembling and so were his hands. But he was alright. He would be. Junhee and Donghun were beside him. It was aways alright, better when he was with them.

“Are you sure? Do you want us to stop the car?” Donghun asked, hand squeezing younger’s tightly in order to not let him slip away with his thoughts, to keep him grounded and concentrated.

“N.. No. I’m.. I’m really alright now.” He gave Donghun a shaky smile and tried his best to ignore the weird glances taxi driver was giving him.

“Lay back down. I’ll tell you a nice story.” Junhee told him, gently lying younger’s head on his shoulder, fingers running through Yuchan’s curls, doing his best to give younger whatever kind of comfort and warmth he needed. “It will be alright.” He pressed a kiss on the top of Yuchan’s head before starting with some old story of his and Donghun’s early love life. Younger loved listening to them. He found it endearing to know how Donghun and Junhee came to fall in love with one another and he also loved listening to their voices. They were soothing and calming.

 

*******

 

Yuchan jumped down from the taxi, skipping around to join awaiting Donghun and Junhee. He immediately slipped his hand into Junhee’s as soon as he bounded up to them. The two band singers smiled at him in return. Junhee’s story had lifted up his mood noticeably. He no longer felt as insecure as he did thirty minutes ago. Junhee always had a way to cheer him up, to make him feel better about himself or anyone else. As they were crossing through the parking lot, his eyes caught the familiar sight. It was so painfully familiar, his heart almost stopped beating. He felt tremor going through his entire body. He froze. Junhee immediately turned around to look at him, causing Donghun to also came to a halt. He was frozen. He was numb and rigid at the same time. He felt faint. His mind screamed at him to run, but his legs didn’t obey him.

“Channie?” Junhee asked, he sounded worried. But Yuchan couldn’t bring himself to answer. He had lost his abilities to move, to speak, to feel.  “Channie?”

Sudden, loud shriek escaped his lips, he stumbled backwards, stumbling onto the older male.

“I.. He’s here..” He whispered to himself, head shaking from side to side. If it wasn’t Junhee holding him up he would be lying on the ground by now. “He’s here. I.. Sehyoon.. I need to.. to tell Sehyoon.. He’s here.” He kept mumbling to himself, repeating the same words over and over again.

“What are you talking about, Chan? Who is here?” Donghun’s face came in sight, covering his vision.

He felt loud, sharp pound against his ribcage. He felt sudden rush of strength coming back to his limbs.

“I need to tell, Sehyoon.” He screamed as he flailed around to slip away from Junhee’s hold. “He’s here. He’s here. He’s here.” He kept screaming and thrashing and screaming again. His uncle was there. He had found them. He.. _What if he already found Sehyoon?_ He pushed Junhee away with as much strength as he could gather, running towards the hotel’s entrance, while screaming his older brother’s name.

He couldn’t let their uncle hurt Sehyoon. Not anymore. Not ever again.

“Donghun!” He heard Junhee call out for Donghun, but he didn’t look back. He had his older brother to save.

 

**Chapter Twenty-Eight**

 

“Sehyoon!” Sehyoon scrambled on the floor as the loud bang and shriek echoed from the hallway. It was Yuchan's voice. He tore the door open and before he could register what was happening younger crashed onto him, causing him to lose balance and crash onto the floor. “Sehyoon!” Yuchan was sobbing. His face was stained with tears and he was trembling in Sehyoon’s hold.

“What.. What happened, Chan?” He could hear his heart pounding in his ears. He was terrified by the sight.

“He’s here!” Yuchan cried out, falling numbly in Sehyoon’s arms. Sehyoon tried his best to not panic at his brother’s words. He had to think with clear head. He couldn’t let panic take over his entire body and mind. He had to be strong for Yuchan. _Their uncle was here._ It had to be a mistake. It couldn't be real. 

“Are you sure, Chan?” He asked, pulling younger up in a sitting position. His hands immediately reach out to cup his brother’s face. Yuchan was covered in cold sweat, his entire body trembling. Sehyoon could hear younger’s heart pounding against the other’s ribcage.

“I.. I saw him.. Here.. Parking lot.. Sehyoon here.. Believe me.. Here I saw him here.. I did.. Sehyoon..” Yuchan was crying and swaying back and forth. Sehyoon wrapped his arms tightly around his younger brother’s body, pushing him hard against his chest. _This couldn't be happening._ He heard hurried footsteps coming from the hallway and few seconds later Junhee and Donghun run inside their room, panting hard, faces pale. They froze on the doorway at the sight.

“Go find Byeongkwan.” Donghun told Junhee, pushing him outside and ignoring his protests. “Sehyoon, what’s happening?” Donghun asked as he stepped inside and crouched down in front of the brothers. “Channie, look at me, please.” Sehyoon could hear pleas and desperation in the other’s voice. Yuchan clung onto him tighter, hiding his face from Donghun.

“Did you see someone at the parking lot?” Sehyoon found himself asking. Donghun’s eyes snapped up from Yuchan to him.

“Yes. Some couple?” Donghun answered, confused.

“No one else?” Sehyoon was desperate to know. He needed to know for sure if their uncle was really here or Yuchan just mistook him to someone.

“No. There weren’t anyone except us and them. It was just some middle aged couple.” Donghun said just as Junhee and Byeongkwan run inside the room. Sehyoon’s eyes met with Byeongkwan’s. Byeongkwan looked ready to fight the entire universe for them. Sehyoon’s heart burned. He broke the gaze with Byeongkwan and turned his attention back to the trembling younger, who had been repeating the same words over and over again.

“Channie, are you sure?” He asked, hugging Yuchan tightly against his chest.

“I saw him. I saw him, Sehyoon. Here. I saw him.” Yuchan cried out, his fingernails digging into Sehyoon’s clothed skin. “I saw him.”

Byeongkwan gently pushed Junhee inside the room and closed the door behind him. Three of them crowded around the brothers - worried, cofused, concerned, lost.

“Sehyoon, what’s happening? Who is he talking about?” Donghun asked again, his hands reaching out for the younger only to take them back again. He was afraid that his touch would frighten the younger more than he already was.

“Get up, Channie. We’re leaving.” Sehyoon said as he pushed himself up and lifted younger on his feet. They needed to get away from there, from this room, from their uncle, from the three males surrounding them with worried eyes. Even if Yuchan had really mistaken their uncle to someone, they couldn’t stay there, he couldn’t risk it. Yuchan wouldn’t be able to calm down until they were here, until he thought their uncle was lurking somewhere near him. “Get your things. Chan.” He gently urged the younger to his guitar case and backpack but before Yuchan could get to them Junhee slipped in the way, preventing him from gathering his things.

“What do you mean leaving?” He asked in a small voice. Outstretched hands shaking. “You’re not leaving. I’m not letting you leave like this. No. You’re not. Channie, you’re not leaving. You’re not, okay?” Junhee was sobbing by the time he finished his sentence. He took a step closer to Yuchan, desperate to pull him in an embrace but Yuchan stepped back, avoiding his outstretched arms. Junhee’s hands numbly fell on his sides. He looked crestfallen. As if life had suddenly left him. “Channie?” He cried out quietly, inaudible almost. Sehyoon could hear Junhee's heart shattering. It was time to leave. They had stayed with them long enough, longer than they should have, longer than needed. 

“I.. I’m sorry, Jun. I’m so sorry.” Yuchan sobbed out as he slipped beside Junhee to collect his things. He had never wanted to hurt him. He had never wanted to see Junhee crying because of him. He had never wished to broke Junhee's heart. But his fears were shaping themselves in front of his very own eyes. Everyone was frozen in the room, unmoving, silent, still. Even Sehyoon stood quietly as he watched Yuchan’s hand brush against Junhee’s. “I’m so sorry, Jun. Thank you for everything.” Younger whispered before retreating back to awaiting Sehyoon.

It took frozen Donghun and Byeongkwan some time to realize that they were leaving for real and they suddenly sprung back to life. Byeongkwan immediately pushed himself against the door, blocking the way.

“You’re not going anywhere. Not in this condition. Not right now. I’m not.. We’re not letting you leave like this.” Byeongkwan said as Donghun grabbed Yuchan’s hand, grasping it in desperation.

“We.. We will go with you, Channie. Wherever you want just say it and we will take you there. Just don’t leave like this please.” Donghun begged, anguished eyes searching for Yuchan’s. “Channie, please. I.. I don’t know what.. Who you saw but let us go with you. We.. We promised you that.. That we would protect you from anything.” Yuchan remained silent, eyes avoiding Donghun’s while trying to pull his hand free.

“Move aside, Byeongkwan. It will be better for everyone if you just let us leave.” Sehyoon said as he stepped closer to the other male, wishing that Byeongkwan would just move away, quietly would let them leave, slip away from their lives just as fast as they came. They were making it harder. Sehyoon didn’t want the separation to hurt. He could never imagine it would hurt this much for any of them, including himself, who always tried his best to push the others away, keep his distance from them.

“Better for everyone? What do you know what’s better for any of us? You never fucking listen, Sehyoon. You never do.” Byeongkwan gritted through his teeth, fingers curling into fists. “I’m going with you. I will go with you through hell. I’m going whether you want me to go or not. We’re going. I don’t care what you’re running from we’re going with you.” He said as he stepped closer to Sehyoon, who immediately turned rigid on the spot, hands clutching onto his backpacks tightly.

“We don’t need your help, Byeongkwan. Just let us leave.” Sehyoon hissed back. He reminded Byeongkwan of an angry cat, hissing, baring his teeth, but still frightened, scared, alerted of anything and everything.

“I didn’t say anything about help, Sehyoon.” Byeongkwan told him. He didn’t. None of them did.

“Just continue on your trip, Byeongkwan. Pretend nothing ever happened.” Sehyoon said, pushing hard against the other. “Let’s go Chan.” He called for the younger, who tried hard to push his hand out of Donghun’s desperate grasp.

“Let me go, Hun.” He cried out and Donghun’s hold loosened, fingers wrapped around younger’s slim wrist loosely. He just hoped Yuchan wouldn’t push farther. He just hoped Yuchan would drop his bags and stay with them, let them take care of everything.

“Pretend nothing ever happened, huh? Is this that easy for you? Did it all mean nothing to you?” Byeongkwan screamed as he grabbed Sehyoon’s arm and pushed him against the bed, keeping him away from the door. _Pretend nothing ever happened._ How could they? How could any of them when so many things had happened? When things that had happened have changed their entire lives, had left important, huge impact on the ways they used to carry on their daily routines, on the ways they used to think, smile, laugh, live. Did Sehyoon really felt nothing? Did everything that had happened in this past days really meant nothing to him?

Everyone watched in silence as Sehyoon stumbled backwards on the bed, looking shocked. Byeongkwan was fuming with anger. His shoulders were trembling. Yuchan let out a loud cry, but didn’t move an inch. Everyone was frozen in shock. Everything was too much to take in. It was all happening too fast to fully take in. Yuchan was laughing with Donghun and Junhee few minutes ago and now he was crying his heart out in pain. 

“I told you, Byeongkwan. I warned you. You made your choice.” Sehyoon said, voice calm, unaffected. Shocked expression long gone from his face.

“Yes, I did. I made my choice, Sehyoon and I’m going with you.” Byeongkwan said, firm, loud, clear. Sehyoon sat up on the bed. He looked exhausted.

“You will never find your answers, Byeongkwan. Better give up now.” He whispered, but Byeongkwan shook his head in return, smile stretching on his face.

“I’ve already found most of them, Sehyoon.” Sehyoon hated his smile, he hated his all knowing eyes, he hated how Byeongkwan tried to stay true to the promises he had made, he hated him for not giving up on him, on them, he hated him for not letting them leave. He hated him so much, but he didn’t hate him at all at the same time. He hated himself for being like this, for feeling like this. He always ended up with hating himself. It was something he knew how to do all too well. He was taught how to hate himself well. He had been a great pupil to his uncle. He hated himself and his uncle and he wished he could feel how much Sehyoon hated him, he wished his hate would suffocated his uncle one day, just as he had suffocated Yuchan’s and Sehyoon’s lives with his filthy hands, just how he had destroyed them when they were just lost, innocent kids.

“Sehyoon?” Yuchan whispered in a shaky voice. Everyone turned alert, whipping their heads to where younger stood.

“Yes, Channie?” Sehyoon asked, pushing himself off the bed, ready to rush to the younger if needed.

“I.. I’m..” Before Yuchan could say anything else, his eyes rolled back and the younger fainted. Donghun was fast enough to catch Yuchan's numb body in his arms, pressing him against his chest tightly.

“Jun, get some water.” Donghun shouted at his frozen boyfriend, who immediately scrambled back to life and disappeared inside the bathroom.

 

**Chapter Twenty-Nine**

 

Yuchan started to gain his consciousness back at the sound of hushed voices around him. He could hear quiet sound of engine and wheels grazing against the road. They weren’t in the hotel anymore. Donghun and Junhee were still with him. He struggled to open his eyes. He was still under the shock of the events that had taken place at the hotel. He had been so close to losing Donghun and Junhee, he had been so close to being dragged back in his dark, locked away memories. He had been so close to losing his battle against his uncle again, he had been so close to losing Sehyoon. He wouldn’t let something happen to his older brother, he wouldn’t let their uncle to hurt them ever again. He was stronger now, Sehyoon was stronger now and they were no longer alone. They had Donghun, Junhee and Byeongkwan willing to protect them, to fight for them if needed. They were no longer alone and he was no longer afraid of his uncle finding him. They would protect him. They had promised him and he knew they would never break their promises. Sehyoon would’t break his promises, not anymore, not ever again. Donghun would never break his promises. Junhee would never break his promises. Byeongkwan would never break his promises. He and Sehyoon had found their own protectors. He dared his uncle to come and try to get him. He was no longer parentless, brotherless, abandoned boy. He had his older brother to protect him. He had Donghun and Junhee, two people he had come to adore so much in the past few days, to protect him and he had Byeongkwan to protect him and Sehyoon. He believed that Byeongkwan would still protect Sehyoon even if Yuchan would fail. He had to trust them. He would trust them. He would trust them with his and Sehyoon’s lives, because they had abandoned everything for them, they had risked so much just to come with them, just to make sure they were unharmed and safe, just to make sure they would be alright.

“Jun, baby, calm down please.” He heard Donghun murmur softly.

“For god’s sake Junhee. He’s not dead. Just stop crying. We’re on the edge already.” He heard Byeongkwan’s irritated voice. Junhee was crying. He could hear it now. He could concentrate on quiet sobs coming from his left side. Junhee was crying because of him. He had broken Junhee’s heart with his words and actions earlier. He had hurt Junhee. He had hurt Donghun and him. He had wished to always keep beautiful, happy smile on Junhee’s face for so many times, but his actions had caused him the opposite. He had made Junhee cry. He was crying because of Yuchan. Because Yuchan had been ready to leave him, to run away from him in order to save himself and he hadn’t thought about the other male and his feelings. Junhee was risking the world to make sure Yuchan was safe and Yuchan couldn’t even face his fears and only thought of running away. He hadn’t thought that he and Sehyoon would be safer, more protected, more loved if they were to stay with them, if Junhee, Donghun and Byeongkwan were by their side.

His eyes finally blinked open. He inhaled sharply. He heard everyone felt silent around him. Junhee’s sobs quieted down.

“Channie?” He heard shaky whisper. It was Junhee. He found himself pulling the other male in his arms, hiding his face in the other's shoulder. It was Junhee. He was warm as he always did. He felt safe with Junhee by his side. He hadn't lost Junhee and Donghun today and he would fight until his last breath to make sure he never would. 

“I’m so sorry, Jun.” He found himself choking on tears. He really was. He was truly sorry. He was sorry for being selfish, he was sorry for only thinking about himself. He was sorry for not thinking about Junhee’s and Donghun’s feelings. “I’m so sorry. Forgive me please.” He could hear pleas in his voice. He hoped Junhee could feel how sorry he was.

“No, baby, don’t be. You did nothing wrong.” Junhee whispered to him, his hands caressing Yuchan’s hair, hugging him close. “It’s okay. We will be okay.” He kept whispering, trying to soothe the crying boy. It didn’t matter that he himself was sobbing frantically.

“Kwan, pull the car to the side please.” Donghun told Byeongkwan, who immediately did what his friend asked for. Donghun was out of the car and opening the back door on Junhee’s side in a blink of an eye. “I need to talk with you. We need to talk. Three of us.” He told them and gestured his boyfriend and Yuchan to get out.

“Can.. Can’t it wait? He just had to go..” Junhee started, stumbling on his words, but Yuchan cut him off, urging him to jumped down from the car.

“I want to talk with you too. Let.. Let’s go.” Junhee nodded and slipped out of the car, Yuchan following him in tail.

“Are you sure, Channie? Will it be alright?” Sehyoon spoke out for the first time since Yuchan had woken up. He was gazing younger with worried eyes. Sehyoon looked paler than usual. Yuchan was worried for him. He must had been just as shaken as he was, if not more. Sehyoon had to go through way much more than he did. Sehyoon had to endure the torture and humiliation longer than he did. Sehyoon had more rights to be upset, scared, worried, sick, exhausted than he did. But his older brother kept himself grounded only to protect him, only to make sure Yuchan was safe. His heart ached for his older brother. He wished Sehyoon knew how much Yuchan cared for him, how much Yuchan wanted to protect him, how much Yuchan wanted to be as much of a pillar for Sehyoon to lean on as Sehyoon was for him.

“I will be alright.” Yuchan nodded at him before following Donghun and Junhee away from the car. The sun was starting to settle. The sky looked beautiful, as if flames had engulfed the world around them. He was going to be as brave as Sehyoon had always thought he was. He was going to start making things right not only for himself, but for everyone else, for the people that had became so dear to him.

 

**Chapter Thirty**

 

“What are you thinking about?” Byeongkwan asked as he emerged from behind the car and leaned against it beside the open door. Sehyoon was sitting on the backseat, legs dangling outside, eyes frozen on the horizon.

“Nothing.” Sehyoon answered, gaze distant. His eyes remained focused on something far way, something Byeongkwan couldn’t see.

“Oh, I forgot.” Byeongkwan laughed. He sounded bitter. He was. “I have to guess it myself.” Sehyoon ignored his words, but his eyes trailed on Byeongkwan’s face. He found the look in Sehyoon's eyes unnerving. Byeongkwan felt sick in stomach. It was hard to look into Sehyoon’s eyes. They were blank, dull, lifeless, looking into them felt like staring into a pitch black abyss. _What did really happen to you Sehyoon that broke you like this?_ He wanted to reach out for the other male, pull him in a hug and whisper to him that everything would be alright until it really did, until his words turned themselves into reality. But he didn’t. He couldn’t. Sehyoon hated his touch, he hated everything Byeongkwan tried to do for him. Instead he asked, “What do you think they are talking about?” and pointed Sehyoon to the other three males’ direction with his head. They had been gone for quite some time now. He couldn’t really see what they were doing, but they were huddled together.

“I think you already know.” Sehyoon told him, his gaze traveled from Byeongkwan to the other three.

“So you noticed too.” Byeongkwan said and Sehyoon nodded. It wasn’t hard to miss, you just had to look to see it.

Silence made itself comfortable between them, but it felt uncomfortable. Byeongkwan wanted to ask questions. Sehyoon didn’t want to answer them.

“Who did he see today?” He tried. He was sure he wouldn’t get any answer, but it was better to try than to remain silent about it and regret later.

“I don’t think he saw anyone.” Sehyoon answered, eyes returning back to the horizon.

“He kept saying he saw someone, Sehyoon.” Byeongkwan told him, he sounded irritated. He didn’t want his words to come out like this, he had to be patient with Sehyoon. But his patience could run for so long. He was standing at the edge of the cliff.

“He just thought he did.” Sehyoon said. Byeongkwan could hear annoyance in his voice.

“Who? Who did he think he saw?” He tried again, hoping that something would slip out of Sehyoon’s mouth, something to give him even the slightest clue, something that could help him put the pieces together.

“Someone you don’t need to know about.” Sehyoon told him and Byeongkwan knew this was the end of their conversation. He felt disappointment running through his body.

“I want to know.” He said. Sehyoon turned to look at him.

“Sometimes it’s better to not know things.” Simple like that. Byeongkwan hated his answers.

“It’s easier to let go of things when they are spoken out, when the heaviness of carrying them only by yourself disappears.” Byeongkwan pushed himself off the car, turning to face the other male. “It only gets better if you let things that no longer make you happy go. Holding onto them doesn’t fix anything, it just makes you feel bad about everything, about yourself, about other people, about life. It’s hard to let things that had become so familiar to you go, but it’s necessary. We can’t carry on with life if we don’t let certain things go. There are things we keep carrying around that only burden us, but it gets easier, it gets much better if you share the burden of it, if you let new memories replace the old ones, if you let your past go. You shouldn’t let things that no longer matter control your life, they will only turn it into a burden and life isn’t a burden Sehyoon. Sometimes it’s hard, it’s unfair, it’s cruel, but it’s still worth enduring for all the good things that happen to us, for all the good people we meet, for all the dear, happy memories we make while overcoming bad ones. If you only hold onto the moments that are bad, painful, hard life will seem just as bad, painful and hard to live, but if you also try to keep the good, happy ones it will seem less unworthy. You just need to give it a try, Sehyoon. Give your life a second chance.” Sehyoon opened his mouth to say something only to close it again. Byeongkwan observed him silently. He knew Sehyoon needed time and he was going to give it to him. Sehyoon needed time to process his words, over analyze  them again and again, turn them up and down to find any hidden, different, harmful meaning behind them. Sehyoon needed time to put his thoughts in order and then turn them into words. He needed time and Byeongkwan thought they were going to have a lot of it, they might even have some spare time.

“My uncle.” Sehyoon whispered just as Byeongkwan thought their conversation was over and Sehyoon would say anything. He thought he didn’t hear the other’s words right. They were hard to catch. His voice was almost inaudible.

“What?” He asked with held breath. He just hoped Sehyoon would further clarify. He needed to know answers.

“Yuchan thought he saw our uncle.” Sehyoon repeated with a heavy sigh and fell back on the seat. Byeongkwan didn’t need to know more than this. He heard Byeongkwan ask him something, but he didn’t pay attention to any of it. He just closed his eyes and tuned the entire world out. It was him and his thoughts left alone once again. They were loud and chaotic, but Sehyoon could endure it.

 

**Chapter Thirty-One**

 

“I.. I really can’t.. I can’t tell you. You will only hate me.” Yuchan sobbed out, clutching onto Donghun’s and Junhee’s hands tightly. He wanted to tell them his and Sehyoon’s story. He really did. He thought he could until the moment he opened his mouth to voice out his thoughts. He couldn’t say anything. He was afraid of Junhee and Donghun hating him, abandoning him, not loving him.

“Oh, Channie.” Junhee said, smiling. He cupped Yuchan’s cheek with his free hand. “We will not. We never will. I don’t think there’s something strong enough to make us hate you. We love you so much, Channie. We love you more than any words can contain. You’re so dear to us, our ray of sunshine and we can never hate you, whatever you had gone through won’t be able to make us hate you. It will be like hating myself and Donghun, because you both are part of me, Channie and I’m part of you.” Junhee leaned in closer to the younger just as Donghun did, their jaws grazed against one another. Sudden laughter erupted from three of them.

“This is going to be difficult to get used to.” Donghun laughed, hand cupping Yuchan’s other cheek.

“We will make it work.” Junhee said as he leaned in to press his lips on younger’s. Sudden gasp left Yuchan’s mouth. Junhee instantly pulled back, worried. He hoped he hadn’t scared the younger male. He hoped he wasn’t being too impatient, taking things too fast, causing discomfort to Yuchan with his actions. He breathed out in relief when Yuchan’s smiling face greeted him. He wasn’t being impatient. He was being just right.

Donghun squeezed his boyfriend’s hand, before leaning in toward the younger male. This time it was Yuchan who pressed his lips against elder’s, giggling in between the soft kisses.

“We love you, Channie.” Donghun said for the second time today. It came out easier than the last time. He wasn’t afraid of confessing his love to Yuchan anymore. Younger had accepted their feelings. He had whispered I love you too back to him and Junhee.

“I love you too.” Younger murmured, smiling shyly at them. Junhee laughed as he pulled both of his lovers in a hug, bodies crashing together awkwardly. Loud fit of giggles escaped Yuchan’s lips.

“This really is going to be difficult.” Younger said between giggles. Junhee and Donghun loved this sound more than anything. Happy, unbothered, untroubled, safe, smiling, giggling, laughing, beaming Yuchan was the most beautiful sight in the entire universe and they could watch it for the rest of their lives. “But we will make it work.” He added as Junhee released them from his embrace. They would. They always did. Junhee and Donghun always found the way to make things work. They always found ways to make Yuchan’s life happier, brighter, nicer, safer, calmer and he loved them for it. He loved them for everything, for who they really were – kind, genuine, nice, caring, warm, happy and loving.

“Take your time, Channie.” Donghun told him as he caressed younger’s cheek. “Tell us when you feel comfortable. When your thoughts are put in the right order. When you find the right words to explain how you feel to us. We will wait. We will wait until you feel comfortable enough to tell us. We have time to wait now. We will make things better, I promise.” Donghun added as he gently pulled his lovers back to the car. Heart and mind at ease.

_They would make things work._

_Yuchan loved them and they loved Yuchan more than anything._

Yuchan was starting to believe in some sort of magic, one that made you feel inexplicable connectedness with people and places, one that caused you inexplicable feeling of belonging and he wondered if love could be considered as one. 


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi there.  
> Thank you so much for giving this story so much love, I really appreciate it. You guys are all so sweet and nice. (^^-^^)  
> So here's the new chapter. I hope you will like it.   
> I didn't get to fix mistakes as usual, so i apologize for that.   
> Enjoy reading this chapter.

 

**Chapter Thirty-Two**

 

Byeongkwan yawned. They had been on the road without any breaks after leaving the hotel. He was tired and sleepy. He glanced at Sehyoon who was sleeping soundlessly on the passenger seat. He was forced to move on the front, because the other three wanted to sit together on the backseat. Donghun, Junhee and Yuchan were also asleep, peacefully, huddled together. None of them said anything when they had rejoined Byeongkwan and Sehyoon by the car after talking alone for quite some time. However, Byeongkwan didn’t need to be told to know what was happening. He didn’t need confirmation to understand wide smiles and sparkling eyes of his best friends and he was sure Sehyoon didn’t need his younger brother’s confirmation either. Byeongkwan had just given a knowing smile to his friends before slipping on the driver’s seat. He could understand why they didn’t say anything. They probably wanted to give privacy to Yuchan to tell Sehyoon himself, explain everything to his older brother alone without anyone else interfering. He yawned once more, rubbing his burning eyes with one hand. He wished they would enter a someplace with civilization before he would pass out while driving.

“Pull over.” Byeongkwan jumped in his seat. He glanced at Sehyoon beside him. He hadn't noticed when the other male woke up.  Sehyoon was looking at him with sleep hazed eyes. Byeongkwan gave him a questioning look. “I will drive.” Sehyoon told him and motioned him to pull over to the road side. Byeongkwan wanted to rejected the other’s offer, tell him to go back to sleep and get some rest because Sehyoon needed it. He had a hard day. They all did. But he was tired and he didn’t have any strength left to bicker with Sehyoon about why he shouldn’t drive. He nodded and slowly pulled the car over to the side. Donghun immediately blinked his eyes open at the sound of car engine turning off. He looked at them with lost expression on his face.

“Have we arrived?” He asked in a coarse voice. Byeongkwan shook his head, telling his best friend to go back to sleep, which Donghun did right away, resting his head back on top of Yuchan’s.

Few minutes later they were back on the road. Seats quietly exchanged. Byeongkwan wanted to sleep, but he didn’t want to leave Sehyoon alone with his thoughts while driving.

“So what do you think?” He found himself asking. He wasn’t sure if Sehyoon wanted to talk to him, but he still gave it a try. Sehyoon hadn’t say anything to him since they left the hotel until few minutes ago. He wanted to talk to him, to not let Sehyoon’s thoughts overwhelm him.

“About what?” Sehyoon asked back, glancing at him through the corner of his eyes.

“About them.” Byeongkwan gestured to the sleeping trio on the back. “What do you think about them?”

“Nothing?” Sehyoon answered. He wasn’t sure how he felt about Yuchan being tied with two band singers. He just wished it was what Yuchan needed and they would bring his younger brother happiness Yuchan had been searching for so long.

“Nothing?” Byeongkwan returned his answer. Nothing could mean a lot of things. It could also mean simply nothing. He wanted to know which one was Sehyoon’s answer.

“I just want Chan to be happy. If he thinks that they are what he really needs for his happiness then I’m not going to meddle in.” Sehyoon told him, calm, composed, eyes fixed on the road ahead. Byeongkwan wasn’t sure what he had expected the other’s reaction to be. He just didn’t expect Sehyoon to be so calm about it. But then, Sehyoon must have worried himself about it a long time ago, before any of them knew anything.

“What about your happiness?” Byeongkwan found himself asking before he could actually register his words. He didn’t want to ask this, but he couldn’t take his words back either. He knew his words would hurt Sehyoon, make him uncomfortable, force him to hide in his shell. He opened his mouth to apologize, but Sehyoon beat him to it.

“I don’t care about it.” His answer was short, simple, didn’t hold any meanings behind it. Byeongkwan knew Sehyoon didn’t care about his own happiness and he wanted to know reasons behind it.

“You should.” He told the other male, forcing muffled laugh out of him.

“You should worry about yourself, Byeongkwan.” Sehyoon said, smiling forcefully.

“I can worry about both of us at the same time. It’s not a difficult task.” Byeongkwan grinned at him and was surprised by the sudden roll of Sehyoon’s eyes. The other male snorted, ignoring Byeongkwan’s grinning face.

“Go to sleep.” Sehyoon told him as he turned his gaze back on the deserted road.

“I can’t. I’m busy worrying about you.” Byeongkwan said in return. Sehyoon laughed. It wasn’t forced and it was beautiful. He was beautiful. Byeongkwan’s answer was honest. He was busy worrying about Sehyoon, about leaving him alone with his thoughts that were uncontrollable, dark, strong, ready to swallow Sehyoon’s whole being as soon as the other male was left alone to fight against them. Byeongkwan wanted to be part of Sehyoon’s fight. He wanted to help Sehyoon fight them, release Sehyoon from his chains.

“Just go to sleep, Byeongkwan.” Sehyoon repeated. He was no longer laughing. He looked exhausted. Byeongkwan wanted to protest against it, but Sehyoon didn’t need more burden added to his already heavy shoulders and he thought that maybe Sehyoon needed some time alone to process everything, to make sense of the events happening around him. Things were starting to change.

“Wake me up if you don’t feel alright.” Byeongkwan told him, resting against the back of his seat. He was ready to hear Sehyoon’s usual _just mind your own business Byeongkwan_ and was left surprised by the soft murmur that left the other’s lips.

“I will.” Sehyoon’s voice was quiet, almost inaudible. Byeongkwan wasn’t sure if it was meant for him. He closed his eyes, relaxing in his seat. He knew Sehyoon wouldn’t wake him up even if he desperately needed it, but hearing such words leaving the other's mouth gave Byeongkwan hope, hope that it wasn’t too late and Sehyoon’s scattered pieces still could be put together. He fall asleep with a small smile on his lips. He was relieved and felt at ease. He hadn't felt like this for so long.  _Sehyoon will be fine. We all will._

 

*******

 

When they finally reached the next city and found a hotel to stay at, it was around 4am. They were starving, but the desire to sleep on a comfortable bed was bigger than hunger. Their rooms were beside one another and Yuchan trailed behind when they reached Donghun’s and Junhee’s hotel room. Sehyoon glanced at his younger brother, worried that something was wrong, but younger just gave him an awkward smile.

“I.. I will.. I will be..” Yuchan stammered and Sehyoon understood what younger was asking for. He wanted some private time with the singers. Sehyoon nodded and silently walked off to his room, ignoring chuckling Byeongkwan next to him.

“Good night, Sehyoon.” The other male told him when they reached Byeongkwan’s room, giving him a gentle smile.

“Good night.” Sehyoon said back as Byeongkwan disappeared inside his hotel room. Sehyoon glanced back at his younger brother before slipping inside their room.

It didn’t took Yuchan long to paddle inside the room, rosy cheeked with dreamy smile on his face. Sehyoon was happy for his younger brother. He truly was. But he was also worried about the younger. There were so many what ifs swarming around his head. _What if Yuchan was taking things too fast? What if they would hurt Yuchan? What if they would have to split ways? What if.. What if.._ Sehyoon wished his mind could simply stop and accept things as they were. He was exhausted from thinking and overthinking. Things weren’t getting better. His mind was making everything seem worse. He wished he could just turn his thoughts off. He wished it could just stop - His pain, his ache, his anguish, his hopelessness, his life. He wished he could end it for once and all.

“Sehyoon.” Yuchan said in a small voice as he sat down on the bed next to his older brother.

“Yes, Channie?” Sehyoon said, turning his face to look at the younger. He looked worried, jumpy and troubled. Sehyoon was sure younger was worried about how to break the news to him, the news that Sehyoon knew of already, the news Sehyoon had known for as long as Yuchan himself did.

“I.. I.. I’ve something t.. To tell you.” Younger forced himself to admit, fiddling with his fingers.

“What is it, Channie?” Sehyoon asked as he slipped his hand into Yuchan’s and held onto it tightly, giving the younger courage he needed. Sehyoon didn’t want Yuchan to be worried about sharing his happiness with Sehyoon. He didn’t have to. Sehyoon would only be happy for him. He hated that he was making his brother worried about such things. All Sehyoon ever wanted was Yuchan to trust him – with his sadness, with his happiness, with his darkness and light.

“Do.. Donghun and Junhee an.. and I are.. Sehyoon, we.. We are in love.” Yuchan cried out and tears immediately found their way down on his cheeks. Sehyoon’s free hand reached up mechanically to wipe them away.

“I know.” He said, quietly. Yuchan released a shaky breath.

“With each other.” He added and Sehyoon pecked him on the tear stained cheek.

“I know.” He repeated and younger hided his face in the other’s chest, hugging him tightly with one hand.

“Is.. Is.. Is it..” Yuchan stammered. Bitter smile found its way on Sehyoon’s lips.

“Is it alright?” He asked and younger nodded. “It is. If you are happy and if that’s what you want.” Sehyoon kissed Yuchan’s lowered head. It was alright. It would be if it was what Yuchan needed to be content and happy with his life.

“I.. I feel.. Sehyoon, I think I’m not scared of uncle anymore.” Younger told him as he wiggled out of Sehyoon’s arms. His eyes were sparkling with tears, but he looked at ease, calm, relaxed.

“When have you been, Channie?” Sehyoon said with a soft smile on his face. Yuchan had never been scared of their uncle. He was a strong , brave child. It was Sehyoon who had always been terrified of him, even the slightest thought of their uncle made him tremble in terror. He had completely destroyed Sehyoon, but he hadn’t shattered Yuchan whole. Younger was healing bit by bit, while Sehyoon broke further day by day. Yuchan had always been worried for Sehyoon, scared for Sehyoon. He had always been worried that their uncle would hurt Sehyoon, would take him away from him and that’s why he had sacrificed everything for his older brother, that’s why he was ready to sacrifice his love for him today.

“I’m not scared of him hurting you ever again, Sehyoon because he won’t be able to. We’re not alone anymore. We’re no longer lost kids.” Yuchan told him as he wrapped his arms around Sehyoon’s trembling shoulders and pulled his crying older brother in a hug. “We can be saved, Sehyoon. We can be saved.” He whispered to the older, writing soothing circles on his back.

They were no longer lost, they had been found and they could be mended.

 

**Chapter Thirty-Three**

 

“Sehyoon.” Sehyoon jolted awake at the quiet whisper of his name. His eyes darted around to look for the source of the hushed voice. Yuchan was looking down at him with guilty eyes. “Sorry.” Younger mumbled as he sat down beside him on the bed, his guilty expression immediately washing away. “Good morning.” Yuchan gave him a smile that was brighter than sunshines. Sehyoon's disorientated mind struggled to register the sight in front of him.

“Go.. Good morning, Channie. Did something happen?” He asked few seconds later after struggling with his hazy mind. He look at the clock on the bedside table. It was almost afternoon.

“No, no.. Nothing. I.. Umm.. I wanted to ask for your permission.” Yuchan told him, lips pursing out to form a pout. Sehyoon thought he could still use some sleep. His mind still struggled to catch up with how fast things processed and changed. There were things he couldn’t simply bring himself to explain. Some things just had no answers and Sehyoon needed to let go of such things. He needed to stop asking questions that had no answers, that would never have answers. It was time he stopped asking them again and again.

“For what?” He inquired. He found himself curious.

“To.. To go somewhere with Donghun and Junhee.” Younger finally admitted, cheeks and ears turning red. Sehyoon reached out and patted him on the head.

“You can go, Channie. Thanks for warning me.” Sehyoon told him and found himself tackled down by the gleeful younger, who pampered his face with kisses.

“Thanks. Thanks. Thanks.” Yuchan kept mumbling between kisses. Sehyoon laughed and rolled younger off him.

“Will you be alright?” Sehyoon asked, concerned. The images of crying and screaming younger resurfacing on his mind.

“I promise, I will be.” Yuchan reassured him as he rested his head on Sehyoon’s stomach. “I told you I’m no longer scared of him.” He peered up at Sehyoon through his lashes.

“I know you are not.” Sehyoon run his fingers through younger’s hair. “You are a brave boy.”

“I’m brave, but you are the bravest person I have ever seen.” Yuchan told him, wrapping his fingers around Sehyoon’s outstretched arm. Sehyoon wanted to laugh at how ironic the situation was. Yuchan was telling him that he was the bravest person to him, while younger’s fingers were grazing against the cigarette burns on Sehyoon’s skin, burns made by Sehyoon himself, burns that were the result of his cowardice.

“You haven’t met a lot of people in your life, Channie.” Sehyoon told him as he retreated his arm back, forcing Yuchan to loosen up his hold around it.

“I don’t need to. I have met you and I have seen your bravery.” Yuchan said before sitting up and hopping down from the bed. “I think I have finally met the right people and I don’t need to meet anyone else.” Yuchan said, looking down at Sehyoon with a smile. Sehyoon stared back silently. He didn’t know what to say. He didn’t have anything to tell the younger. Few minutes later Yuchan sighed and bounded over the door. “Byeongkwan said that he would come over to keep you some company.” Yuchan grinned at him and before Sehyoon could say anything hurriedly slipped out of the door.

“Chan!” Sehyoon called after him, but he only got younger’s merry giggles in response. He sighed in frustration and buried his face inside the pillow. He didn’t want to see Byeongkwan. He didn’t want to talk to Byeongkwan. He didn’t want to do anything that involved Byeongkwan. He scared him. Byeongkwan scared him more than his uncle had in years. But it was different kind of horror he felt. Byeongkwan scared him for the completely different reason and Sehyoon wasn’t sure which one was more terrifying.

 

*******

 

After a long debate with himself, Sehyoon decided to leave his hotel room and explore the city on his own. He didn’t want to hang out with Byeongkwan. He preferred solitude, walking around the unfamiliar city, alone, only you and your thoughts and no one else, where nobody knows who you are or where you come from. It felt like a blank sheet waiting for Sehyoon to write his own story on it however he wanted, clear it from all the madness and ache, erase his uncle and the painful memories from it, make it as happy and beautiful as he wanted. He wished it were that easy. He wished he could simply forget what his uncle had done to him, to Yuchan, to them. He wished his mind would cooperate with him for once, free him from all the agonizing chains, let him be free and happy only for a day. He didn’t wish for more, a day would be more than enough. He had forgotten how it felt to be happy about something, how to be excited over something, how to be free, unbounded, wild. He had forgotten how living felt. He had forgotten how it felt to be comfortable with his thoughts, with his heart, with his whole being. He had forgotten how it felt to be wishful, full of hopes and dreams. He had simply forgotten the way to live. He was lost. He had been lost since he was 12 years old and he had given up on finding his way back – to home, to Yuchan, to happiness, to hopes and dreams, to life. He was just a lost soul, roaming around aimlessly. He used to have a purpose. A purpose to protect Yuchan, to keep him happy, but now even his one and only remaining purpose had been taken away from him. Yuchan could be happy without him. Yuchan had found his own ways to be happy. He didn’t need Sehyoon’s care and protection anymore. He was surrounded by the people who would do anything to make him happy and keep him safe. Sehyoon didn’t know what he was trying to survive for anymore. He was completely lost, out of life’s and death’s reach at the same time.

“Sehyoon?! Sehyoon!” He heard familiar voice shouting his name as he exited the hotel. He looked over his shoulder. Of course, it was Byeongkwan, jogging towards him. Sehyoon had to resist the urge of running off, hiding away from the other male. “Hey.” Byeongkwan greeted as he caught up with him.

“Hi.” Sehyoon greeted back. He was unsure if he could continue on his way or remain on the same place.

“Where were you going?” Byeongkwan asked, eyes glinting with curiosity.

“Nowhere.” He answered, simply. He didn’t have any destination. He just wanted to get out and explore the city. He only had one of his backpacks with him, in case he found something that stirred the desire to draw in him.

“Have you eaten yet?” Byeongkwan asked and Sehyoon shook his head in return. “Good. Neither have I. We should go together.” Byeongkwan told him as he skipped forward Sehyoon but immediately stopped when he noticed that the other wasn’t following him. “Let’s go, Sehyoon.” Byeongkwan said to him and clasped Sehyoon’s wrist with his fingers when the other male didn't budge from his place. Sehyoon flinched away. Byeongkwan glanced between Sehyoon’s pale face and their hands before dragging the other male to his car. Sehyoon opened his mouth to say something, but his voice died down in his throat. He let himself be dragged away by the overly excited Byeongkwan.

 

*******

 

“There’s this place I found. I think you will like it.” Byeongkwan said as they payed for their meals and exited the small café. “It’s a bit far away from here, but we have to go.” Byeongkwan told him. He looked excited, wide grin plastered on his face, eyes glinting in uncontainable energy. Sehyoon found his behavior strange, but he didn’t question it. He didn’t know much about Byeongkwan. He was still discovering different sides of the other male. Byeongkwan had been trying to engage him in his excited chatter since the second they got inside his car and even though Sehyoon tried his best to ignore him the other man didn’t give up. He just tried harder. Sehyoon couldn't understand why he was trying so hard. 

“Where are we going?” Sehyoon asked few minutes later when they were back on the road. He was curious of where Byeongkwan was taking him. He wanted to know what kind of place Byeongkwan thought Sehyoon would like to visit.

“Not telling anything.” Byeongkwan shot him a wide grin. Sehyoon found it irritating.

“Seriously?” He asked and didn’t try to hide annoyance in his voice. What kind of childish game was Byeongkwan trying to play with him. The other's grin remained firmly etched on his face.

“Seriously.” He confirmed. “It’s a surprise.” Byeongkwan added. Sehyoon hated surprises. Nothing good ever came from them. At least, not for him.

“I dislike surprises, Byeongkwan.” He told the other male, who shot him a look in return. Sehyoon turned his face to look out of the window.

“You dislike lot of things, Sehyoon. But I’m gonna change that.” Byeongkwan said and Sehyoon felt grateful that he couldn’t see the look on the other man’s face. He was sure Byeongkwan looked smug and proud of himself. He always did whenever he managed to get on Sehyoon's nerves. 

He didn’t want his day to turn out this way. He just wanted to have some time alone in a foreign city, but instead he ended up with overly excited Byeongkwan, who kept whistling to himself while driving Sehyoon to somewhere unknown to surprise him. He didn’t like how things were going, not even a bit. He wanted to be left alone. He wanted Byeongkwan to leave him alone, to finally give up on him. Sehyoon was a closed case. He couldn’t be saved. Byeongkwan tried so hard for nothing. There was no happy ending at the end of the story. Not for him.

“Fight them, Sehyoon.” Byeongkwan’s voice pulled him out of his train of thoughts. He looked at the other male with confused eyes.

“Wh.. What?” He found himself asking, voice cracking.

“Your thoughts. Fight them. Don’t let them make you believe things that aren’t even close to reality.” Byeongkwan told him and Sehyoon had to hold a bitter laugh.

“You don’t know anything about my thoughts, Byeongkwan.” He mumbled quietly. He hated how Byeongkwan always pretended to know what Sehyoon was thinking, how he pretended to understand Sehyoon’s struggles, how he pretended to know him.

“Do I have to? Am I not right?” Byeongkwan asked, confident. Sehyoon hated him and his overflowing confidence. He wished he could open the door and jump out of the car, get himself away from the other male. It was suffocating. Byeongkwan’s presence was suffocating him.

“You know nothing, Byeongkwan.” He repeated, voice trembling. Byeongkwan didn’t know a single thing about him, about how his mind worked. He knew nothing about Sehyoon’s agonising thoughts.

“It wouldn’t make any difference even if I knew.” Byeongkwan told him, he sounded so sure of himself. Sehyoon laughed. Only if he really knew.

“It would.” Sehyoon said. He knew it would. How could it not.

“Try me.” Byeongkwan challenged. Sehyoon turned to face him.

“It’s not that’s easy.” Sehyoon whispered, voice suddenly soft. He wished he could talk about his thoughts, his dark secrets, his past. He wished he could tell Byeongkwan and see if it truly wouldn’t change anything. He wished he could tell him, give him a chance to prove himself true to Sehyoon. He wished he could trust him.

“I know it’s not. Take your time.” Byeongkwan told him, sincere, voice warm, glint of sadness visible in his tone. He reached out to Sehyoon with one hand, eyes still fixed on the road ahead.

“It doesn’t get easier with time, Byeongkwan. Whoever said that, they were lying, it only gets worse. The wounds start to worsen, until there’s nothing but disgusting smell of one’s soul decaying left. I don’t need time.” Sehyoon looked from Byeongkwan’s face to his reached out hand, fingers slightly bent, waiting for him to slip his hand inside.

“What’s it that you need, Sehyoon?” Byeongkwan asked, voice tender. As if he was afraid of breaking Sehyoon with his tone.

“Time to stop for me.” Sehyoon told him and Byeongkwan reached for his hand lying on his lap. Sehyoon pushed it aside.

“Do you hate living that much?” Byeongkwan asked, voice broken. He retreated his hand back.

“I’m not living, Byeongkwan. I’m merely surviving.” Sehyoon released a shaky breath. He wished Byeongkwan would stop talking to him, asking him questions, stealing answers, Sehyoon would never give anyone, from him. Byeongkwan terrified him. Sehyoon wanted to push the car door open and run away from him.

“Because you have already given up on yourself, on your life. Give it a second chance, Sehyoon. It’s not as bad as someone once had painted it for you to be.”

“I don’t have any chances left to give.” Sehyoon told him and Byeongkwan slightly turned his face to look at him.

“Is that why you don’t give me one?” He asked and Sehyoon averted his eyes from him. He didn’t have any chances left, not for himself, not for Byeongkwan, not for his own life. He had learnt in the cruelest way possible that giving chances only resulted in the worst things and that he shouldn’t trust anyone, not even himself, most importantly, not himself.

Sehyoon opened his mouth to answer, only to close it again. He didn’t know what to say, how to word his thoughts. He couldn’t give Byeongkwan a chance, not because he was afraid of Byeongkwan breaking him, he was afraid of breaking Byeongkwan. He wished he could give the other male chance, let him prove his words and promises true, but he couldn’t. He was afraid of hurting Byeongkwan, he was afraid of breaking him, he was afraid of not being enough for him, he was afraid of turning Byeongkwan's life into something as horrible, as helpless, as hopeless, as dull as his own was. He was afraid of burying Byeongkwan’s happiness along with his. He didn’t give Byeongkwan chance, not because he didn’t want to, but because he couldn’t. He tried to convince himself that it was for the best, that he was doing Byeongkwan a favor, saving him from the darkness Sehyoon’s past and mind presented.

“I’m not giving up on you, Sehyoon.” Byeongkwan told him suddenly, voice full of ache. Sehyoon turned to look at him. “I’ll hold onto your life until you decide that you want it back.” He added and reached his hand out for Sehyoon to take once again. It was trembling.

“You should.” Sehyoon took Byeongkwan’s hand between his and placed it on the other’s thigh. “I only want pain to stop, Byeongkwan.” He slipped his hands away from Byeongkwan’s, turning away from him.

“There are other ways to stop pain, Sehyoon.” Byeongkwan told him. He sounded hurt, broken almost.

“Not for me.” Sehyoon said as he leaned his head against the window. There were no other ways for him. His pain wouldn’t stop until he was breathing, until Sehyoon’s heart beat and his mind worked. He had lost the sight of everything else. He was lost on the road of finding hope, something he could hold onto. He was lost and he didn’t want to be found. He just wanted the pain to stop.

 

*******

 

“Sehyoon?” Familiar voice softly whispering his name sunk in his hazy brain. He blinked his eyes open, only to close them again. Sudden exposure to light hurt them. “We have arrived.” Byeongkwan told him as Sehyoon finally managed to adjust to the sun light. He looked outside the car. They were parked in front of the huge wooden barns, covered in hand painted, colorful flowers. It looked beautiful. Sehyoon instantly felt himself loving the place. They were out of nowhere. There was no sign of the city left anymore. There was nothing, but trees and green bushes surrounding them. Sehyoon heard distant sound of soft music coming out from the barns. He opened the door and hurriedly got out. Byeongkwan immediately followed him.

“Where are we?” Sehyoon turned to the other male, looking at him with sunshine lit eyes. Byeongkwan’s breath caught at the sight. Sehyoon’s eyes were no longer dull, there were sunshines dancing in his black eyes. They were beautiful. Byeongkwan instantly fell in love with the sight.

“We should go in. They are working until six.” Byeongkwan gestured him to the entrance and Sehyoon immediately marched towards it. Byeongkwan thought that Sehyoon belonged to someplace like this – serene, still, plain, but utterly beautiful. He followed the other male behind, observing his every move silently. He wished Sehyoon could see what he did. He wished Sehyoon knew how worthy and deserving he was, how he held all the beauty in the world within himself. He wished Sehyoon would see the same beautiful, but sad young man Byeongkwan did when he looked at himself. He wished Sehyoon knew how loveable, how endearing he was. He wished Sehyoon could understand how much Byeongkwan cared for him. He wished Sehyoon could give him a chance, return his feelings. He wished he could protect Sehyoon from himself and his thoughts. He wished he could held Sehyoon’s hand in his.

“Byeongkwan.” He heard Sehyoon’s trembling voice whispering his name. He turned to the other male, whose eyes were roaming around the barns, taking in everything hurriedly, as if it would disappear as fast as it came, as if he was in a dream and was trying to remember everything, before someone could wake him up. Byeongkwan wished he could keep Sehyoon forever like this – serene, untroubled and happy.

“Yes?” He asked, softly, trying to not disturb him.

“Thank you.” Sehyoon whispered as his hand brushed against Byeongkwan’s and wandered away from him. Byeongkwan found a comfortable seat in the corner for himself and watched quietly as Sehyoon wandered around the art studio built inside the old barns.

 

*******

 

“We will be closing in a few minutes, please finish up or collect your paintings.” One of the employees announced and Byeongkwan watched as Sehyoon hurriedly made his way back to the easel he had previously used for his painting. He had refused to let Byeongkwan see what he was painting and Byeongkwan didn’t pry. He didn’t want to dumpen the other’s mood. He had never seen Sehyoon this peaceful and content with his surroundings. If Sehyoon didn’t want him to see his painting, he wouldn’t force him. He would wait until Sehyoon was ready to show it to him on his own wish. Few minutes later he was walking back to the car with Sehyoon beside him, carrying two large paper bags. There was a small smile resting on his lips and Byeongkwan loved it. He found himself loving it so much. He wished he could remain inside the barns with untroubled and smiling Sehyoon until the end of the time. He wished that the small, content smile on Sehyoon’s face would never disappear. He wished he could keep Sehyoon away from the cruelty of outside world, hide him someplace like this, where he could be unafraid, unbothered, safe, comfortable and happy, where all his struggles and troubles stopped eating away on his soul, where only Sehyoon and happiness existed, where he could be sure no harm would be able to reach him, where he could spend his entire life painting in peace.

“This.. This is for you.” Sehyoon told him when they got inside the car. He was holding one of the paper bags out for Byeongkwan.

“What is it?” Byeongkwan asked, curious and most importantly, happy. He felt sudden rush of warmth spreading through his entire body. _Did Sehyoon get him a present?_

“It’s..” Sehyoon started, but trailed off. Byeongkwan gave him a smile, nodded to him to continue. “You.. You will see. Don’t.. Just don’t open it now.” Sehyoon said and Byeongkwan carefully placed the bag on the backseat.

“I won’t. Thank you.” He promised and Sehyoon immediately looked away, hiding his face from the other male. Byeongkwan found this newly discovered side of Sehyoon utterly endearing. He couldn’t stop smiling. He felt like a fool in love. Sehyoon was driving him insane.

Sehyoon didn’t say anything else. Byeongkwan noticed how the other’s eyes lingered on the barns as he drove them away. Something in his heart broke. Sehyoon didn’t belong in the outside world were everything and everyone was full of cruelty. He belonged someplace like this, someplace just as lonely and beautiful as he was. Byeongkwan promised himself that he would find it for Sehyoon. He would find Sehyoon a place he belonged with. He would find Sehyoon home.

“Are you hungry?” He found himself asking. This wasn’t what he intended to ask when he opened his mouth.

“I’m not.” Sehyoon told him. Byeongkwan could hear sadness in his voice.

“We should get dinner then.” He said and was surprised by the sudden sound of laughter coming from Sehyoon’s lips. It sounded beautiful. Byeongkwan could listen to it for the rest of his life.

“Why are you so stubborn?” Sehyoon asked him. Byeongkwan smiled at the other’s question.

“I don’t know. Why are you?” He asked back and managed to catch the glimpse of small smile on Sehyoon’s face before the other turned it away from him.

They felt silent. But it was comfortable. For the first time they felt comfortable in each other’s presence. It felt strange and familiar at the same time. None of them knew what to make out of it. They never did when it came to one another. Byeongkwan found himself reaching out for the other’s hand. He didn’t know what he expected. Sehyoon hated when he touched him. He felt the other’s eyes on him, asking silent questions, but he didn’t dare to look back. He was holding his breath. He was hopeful and hopeless at the same time.

Byeongkwan found himself shuddering when Sehyoon’s fingers slipped between his, intertwining them together. The touch burned. He felt like he would lose his mind. He gathered all the courage he could find in his trembling body and stole a glance from the other. Sehyoon was leaning against the window, staring outside. He looked peaceful. Byeongkwan’s heart was burning. He could never imagine that the single touch could set a person ablaze, but that’s what Sehyoon’s touch did to him and Byeongkwan was more than ready to burn. He would burn until there was only ashes of him left if it meant Sehyoon giving him a chance.

 


	9. Chapter 9

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi there.  
> Here goes the new chapter. Hope you will like it (let me warn you in advance that it's complete disaster and disappointment).  
> I want to thank every single one of you for reading and leaving kudos and comments on this story. It's greatly appreciated. You all are so nice and kind.  
> I wanted to say something, but I completely blanked out and can't think of what it was.  
> Also, I couldn't concentrate on fixing mistakes, so I apologize for them.  
> Enjoy reading this chapter.

 

**Chapter Thirty-Four**

 

Sehyoon heard the door of his hotel room open and close quietly. He knew it was Yuchan coming back. His first instinct was to bury his face in the pillow in order to hide his tear stained cheeks from his younger brother. He felt lithe arms sneaking around his body. Yuchan rested his head on Sehyoon’s shoulder.

“Sehyoon.” Younger whispered softly. He immediately turned around and buried his face in the younger’s chest. “Sehyoon, are you crying?” Yuchan asked, worried. He was. He had been crying since the second he had fleed Byeongkwan’s car, terrified. He had been crying for hours non-stop for a reason his mind couldn’t come up with. He didn’t know why he was crying. He just was. Tears didn’t stop coming no matter how hard he tried. His heart was hurting. It was burning in an unknown agony. This was the worst kind of pain of all. He was hurting, but he didn't know why. It was less agonizing when he had a reason for his tears, when he knew what was causing his heart to burn in anguish. He wished his mind could give him a reason to why his tears didn’t cease, why ache in his heart only got stronger with time. He had been hopeless for so long, but why was he feeling like he had lost his hope over again, when he already had nothing to lose? He felt strange. He couldn’t explain how he felt. He was just hurting. A lot. His mind and heart were in so much pain. His soul burned. “Sehyoon, what happened?” Yuchan asked again. Sehyoon could hear panic in his voice.

“It.. It’s nothing.” He forced himself to choke out, to reassure the younger that he was fine. But was he? He didn’t know how he felt. He couldn’t explain it to himself, he wouldn’t be able to explain it to Yuchan.

“Then.. Why are you crying?” Yuchan softly caressed his hair, kissing his head from time to time. Sehyoon felt like a little child over again – the one that was untainted by his uncle, the one that would run to his mother to cry when some other kid would made fun of him, the one who was in love with life, with nature, with art, with everything around him. Yuchan hugged him close, trying his best to comfort him. Sehyoon was thankful. He was glad Yuchan was there to hug him, to stop him from doing something stupid. He was glad Yuchan was there, beside him, whispering soothing words in his ear. He needed it. He needed as much comfort and warmth as he could get from the younger male. He found himself crying harder. The harder Yuchan tried to soothe him, the harder Sehyoon cried. He didn’t know how to stop. His crying hardened along with the burning ache in his chest. He kept crying and Yuchan kept whispering tender words to him. He kept sobbing, loudly, and Yuchan kept running his fingers through his hair in a comforting manner. He was thankful. Sehyoon was thankful he didn’t have to cry alone, hide his tears, his pain from his younger brother anymore. He was thankful younger was there to share Sehyoon's wordless pain with himself.

Sehyoon cried himself to sleep that night. He cried until his voice disappeared, until his tears dried, until there was nothing but soft, faint ache left in his chest. He cried himself to sleep, accompanied by the soft humming of his younger brother. Yuchan sang the same soft melody to him that their mother used to sing for them when they were kids. He cried himself to sleep while thoughts of smiling Byeongkwan lingered in his mind. He cried himself to sleep and wished he could never wake up. He was afraid. But he was no longer sure of what – himself, his uncle or the man that had held his hand for hours, silently. He was scared and lost. Insane, unreasonable pain caused by wanting something so much but feeling so helpless about it terrified him.

 

*******

 

Byeongkwan couldn’t sleep. His mind was full of screaming madness. He couldn’t stop thinking – about Sehyoon and their intertwined fingers. His hand still burned from the touch. He could still feel the overwhelming sensation Sehyoon’s touch had causing in him. His heart and mind felt like tornadoes had crashed them. He was feeling so much and nothing at all at the same time. Sometimes he could only feel the lingering sensation of Sehyoon’s hand in his, sometimes he could feel so much he couldn’t name any specific emotion racing through his heart and mind. He wasn’t certain of how he felt. He had never felt like this before. He wondered if he was going crazy. Sehyoon drove him mad. Sehyoon’s touch drove him insane. He was still burning from the touch and he felt himself enjoying the burning flames.

He slipped out of the bed and paddled to the single chair beside the window where the paper bag Sehyoon had given him earlier laid. He was so in love with Sehyoon’s present. He loved it so much. He already held it dear to his heart. He carefully slipped out the painting resting inside the bag. It was beautiful. It instantly took Byeongkwan’s breath away every time he looked at it. It was beautifully painted, in a beautiful colors, in a beautiful lines. Sehyoon was truly beautiful. His ability to paint was beautiful. Byeongkwan’s heart ached.

It was painting of two men standing side by side in front of the beautiful barns. The same ones they had visited today. The scenery looked beautiful. Byeongkwan knew who those men were – Sehyoon and him. He loved it. His eyes roamed around the painting. Here is was, his favorite part of sehyoon’s present. The men were holding hands, just as they had today. Sehyoon had rejected his hand twice, but he had accepted it in his painting and then he had turned his painting into reality. Byeongkwan loved the painting and he loved Sehyoon. He loved Sehyoon so much the feeling burned him. His heart was burning, his entire being was burning. He didn’t know love could burn like this – so much, so hard. But he was ready to burn. He was ready to love Sehyoon until there were only ashes of him left, until the only thing he felt was Sehyoon’s hand in his, until Sehyoon loved him back, until Sehyoon was happy and in love with life.

He carefully put the paper bag down and paddled back to the bed, clutching the painting close to his heart. He sat down, back leaned against the headboard. He could stare at the painting in his hand for hours non-stop, he could stare at it for the rest of his life.

Byeongkwan didn’t sleep at all that night. He couldn’t. He couldn’t stop thinking about Sehyoon, about their conjoined hands, about the painting Sehyoon had given to him. He couldn’t sleep and he spent the entire night looking at the painting in his hand while his whole being burned. He felt hopeful and hopeless at the same time. He wished Sehyoon would give him a chance. He wished Sehyoon would see him burning – burning for his happiness, for his smile, for his love, for him. He wished Sehyoon would burn with him, like the stars waiting to explode as supernovae. He wished he could call Sehyoon his and hold his hand till the end of the times. He wished Sehyoon could find home in his arms, feel safe and protected beside him. He spent the entire night wishing – wishing for the things he wasn’t sure could happen, he wasn't sure could come true. He spent the entire night awake – fighting hopelessness and too much hopefulness at the same time.

 

**Chapter Thirty-Five**

 

“Sehyoon?” Yuchan whispered his older brother’s name as he wrapped his arms around Sehyoon’s shoulders, who had been sitting on a chair in front of the window for quite some time. He felt Sehyoon shudder at the sudden touch. Yuchan felt his heart breaking. His older brother was still terrified.

“Channie.” Sehyoon looked up at him with lost eyes as he leaned in younger’s hold. Yuchan pressed a soft kiss on the elder’s temple.

“I will stay with you.” Younger told him in a small voice. He didn’t want to disturb the quiet around them. He knew how much Sehyoon loved and needed it.

“Please go. I’m fine.” Sehyoon took younger’s hand in his and gently kissed it. He noticed that bruises on Yuchan’s arms were slowly starting to fade. They looked angrier and harder to look at, but they were starting to heal.

“I know you are not. Don’t lie to me, please.” Sehyoon heard tears in his brother’s voice and just in queue Yuchan’s tear fell on his cheek. He reached up and gently wiped younger’s tears away, letting the single tear that had fallen on his face find its way on his cheek before disappearing.

“I want you to go and be happy, Channie.” Sehyoon told him. He could feel his eyes starting to sting. Yuchan’s cries were turning into his own, as they always had when they were younger, whenever his younger brother was crying.

“I will only be truly happy when you are also happy, Sehyoon.” Yuchan said as his hands slipped away from Sehyoon’s shoulders. Younger rounded the chair and crouched down in front of him, cupping Sehyoon’s face with his trembling hands. “I don’t want to be happy without you.” He whispered just as Sehyoon’s tears paved their way on his cheeks. Yuchan wanted him to be happy. Byeongkwan wanted him to be happy. Everyone wanted him to be happy except himself and he hated his whole being for it. He hated how he was, how he was hurting the dearest people to him, how he was making it hard for everyone to find their own happiness because of him. He was an obstacle everyone needed to overcome in order to find peace and Sehyoon didn’t know how to stop being an obstacle to them. He wanted Yuchan to be happy. He wanted Byeongkwan to be happy. But he was the cause of their unhappiness. He didn’t know what to do. He couldn’t bring himself to change, to think differently, to act in a different way. He wanted. He wanted it so much, so desperately, but he couldn’t. He couldn’t find a way.

“I’m so sorry, Channie.” Sehyoon choked out. He didn’t know what he was being sorry for, but he also had thousand of reasons to apologize. He was sorry for leaving Yuchan alone when younger needed him the most, he was sorry for not protecting him, he was sorry for tearing his happiness away from him with his decisions and actions, he was sorry for being an obstacle to his happiness, he was sorry for everything - everything he has ever done to him. “I’m so sorry.” He mumbled again, tears streaming down on his face. He was sorry. He truly was. He didn’t want to be like this, he didn’t want their life to be like this. All he ever wanted was to be safe and happy.

“Why, why are you apologizing, Sehyoon? You haven’t done anything to be sorry for.” Yuchan gently pushed Sehyoon’s hair out of his brother’s eyes and run his fingers through it. He hated when Sehyoon apologized for things he hadn’t done, things he couldn’t prevent from happening. There were things they couldn't simply stop from happening. Sehyoon was just a mere human being, like him, like everyone else and things tended to be out of their reach. Not everything could be stopped, not everything had a solution and Sehyoon needed to realize it. Sometimes things simply needed to be left unsolved, unstopped, untouched, unanswered. Sometimes they needed to let things go - things that were out of their reach. They had to move on, keep going, carry on in order for things to get better, for the future to make sense, for happiness and hope to start appearing. They couldn’t give up when things that were out of their control happened, they had to charge against them head on, whatever they were, sometimes it was better to let the chaos swallow them whole, let the pain tear them apart in agony for things to make sense, for things to feel better, for life to carry on. Yuchan wanted Sehyoon to see that what had happened to him wasn’t his fault, it was simply out of his control. Sehyoon couldn’t have done anything to prevent them from happening and Yuchan didn’t blame him for it, because he couldn’t stop the same things happening to Sehyoon, not because he didn’t try, not because he didn’t want to, because they were out of his reach. He couldn’t do anything about them, about things that had happened to him, but to look at them straight in the eyes and keep moving on, carry on until life felt easier, less suffocating. He wished Sehyoon would see the world in the same way, he wished Sehyoon would look at life in the same way. He wished Sehyoon wouldn’t keep letting things that were out of his control shape his world and the way he looked at life.

“Sehyoon.” He whispered and his older brother’s lost eyes focused on him, tears slowly streaming down on his face. “You need to see things as they are and not as you are, Sehyoon. You have to try and see through the thick fog that had covered your eyes. You are feeling hopeless, but that doesn’t mean life is unhopeful. You are feeling pain, but that doesn’t mean life is only full of it, there are more things, more emotions to see, to feel. We have to try and distinguish between things as they are and how we feel about them. There are more parts of life we haven’t seen, we haven’t experienced, we haven’t felt and we shouldn’t let the parts that we have come face to face stop from looking for the other parts, for the parts that are beautiful, opposite of our agony and pain. I’m eternally grateful of you Sehyoon for fighting for me, for showing me the right way to those beautiful, hidden parts of life. But it’s time to fight for yourself Sehyoon and let me be by your side while you walk through all the sadness and pain, let me be by your side until you reach the safe side and let me be by your side when things start to seem better,  to make sense, to heal your wounds, to give you hope and show you the way to happiness. You didn’t give up on me, so don’t force me to give up on you. I’m not giving up on us Sehyoon, not after all we had to go through, not when we have finally found a way to be happy, not when we are so close to finding home we have been searching for so long, not when we have been found and there’s a chance of us being mended. Don’t give up on us, Sehyoon. Don’t give up on yourself please.” Yuchan pulled his frantically trembling older brother in a hug. He couldn’t imagine his life without Sehyoon. He wouldn’t imagine his life without him. They were going to be okay. Yuchan wasn’t giving up on Sehyoon and he wouldn’t let Sehyoon give up on himself. “I love you, Sehyoon.” He whispered to the older male, hugging him close. He wished Sehyoon would love himself as much as Yuchan loved him. He loved him more than anyone and anything, more than his own life. He held his older brother dearer than his own life. He would give it up for him without thinking twice. But he wouldn’t need to do that. He would fight for Sehyoon, he would fight for them until two of them were no longer broken, until all of their missing pieces had been collected and carefully mended, until Sehyoon would see his way back to the beautiful side of life, until their old, bad memories were completely gone and fully replaced by new, beautiful, precious ones, until their wounds were fully healed and no longer decaying.

“I love you, Channie.” Sehyoon managed back after few seconds of struggling. Yuchan and Byeongkwan were ready to fight for him, so why couldn’t he himself find strength and fight? Why couldn’t his thoughts release him from the chains that had been putting him through so much agony since he was barely a child? Sehyoon wanted to fight. He wished he could fight – for Yuchan, for Byeongkwan, for himself, for his dreams, hopes and life.

 

*******

 

“What happened to you?” Junhee asked as soon as he laid eyes on his best friend, who was walking up to him and Donghun in the hotel lobby.

“Couldn’t sleep.” Byeongkwan mumbled as he slid beside him, shoulders hunched, eyes bloodshot.

“Did something happen yesterday? You didn’t answer my texts.” Donghun inquired, examining his best friend with worried expression on his face.

“Nothing.” He replied and received skeptical looks from the both of his friends. “I don’t know. A lot of things happened.” He run a hand through his hair in frustration. So many things had happened and he didn’t know what to make out of them. So many things had happened and he was afraid Sehyoon would refuse to acknowledge them again. So many things had happened and his mind struggled to make sense of any of them. So many things had happened and he hoped they weren’t part of his wishfulness, his imagination and dreams. The painting in his room was proof of everything, but he was afraid, afraid that Sehyoon would turn his eyes away from him again as he always did whenever something happened between them. Sehyoon tried to simply forget everything, proving Byeongkwan that they didn’t hold any meaning to him, but he hoped this time would be different. He hoped this time instead of turning away from him, Sehyoon would hold his gaze if he was too afraid of holding his hand.

“Do you want to talk about it?” Junhee asked as he placed his hand on Byeongkwan’s shoulder and gently rubbed it.

“I.. No. No. Not yet.” Byeongkwan gave them an apologetic smile before casting his way on the floor. He didn’t know what to tell them, when he wasn’t sure of everything himself. He wanted to figure things out first then he would tell his best friends. They needed to know. He needed to tell them. He just needed some time to think things over, make sense of everything, to avoid making false assumptions and hurting everyone – Sehyoon, his best friends and their relationship, himself. He was afraid of taking a wrong step, making a false assumption, he was afraid of falling. For the first time in his life he was afraid of taking a step ahead.

“It’s alright. Take your time.” Junhee patted him on the shoulder and Byeongkwan shot him a grateful smile. He was grateful he had them. Their presence felt soothing. He had missed spending some alone time with them.

 

*******

 

Soft sound of knocking disturbed Yuchan from gently caressing his older brother’s hair, who was sleeping soundlessly on the bed. He carefully tiptoed to the door, afraid of waking the other up. He cracked the door open slowly to be greeted by the sight of breathless Junhee. He looked like he had been running. The older male broke into a beautiful smile when his eyes met Yuchan’s.

“Channie.” Junhee whispered, breathing heavily.

“Did something happen?” Yuchan asked as he stepped out of the room and closed the door behind his back.

“You didn’t come.” Junhee managed few seconds later. Yuchan placed his hand on the other male’s chest. Junhee’s heart was pounding like crazy. “We have been waiting for half an hour.” The older man explained as rested his hand over Yuchan’s.

“Oh.” Younger whispered, worried expression turning into guilt. He had completely forgotten about it. “I.. I.. Sehyoon.. I.. I’m sorry, Jun. I forgot.” Yuchan admitted guiltily.

“Is everything alright?” Junhee asked and searched for the truth in Yuchan’s eyes. They looked sad even though he was smiling. “Channie?” He tried again when younger didn’t answer and tried to avoid looking at him in the eyes. “Baby, did something happen?” He reached out for younger’s cheek with his free hand, resting it gently on Yuchan’s face.

“I.. No.. Yes.. I.. Yes..” Yuchan stammered. He didn’t know how to explain or what to tell the other male. He didn’t want to lie, but he couldn’t tell him the truth either. His heart ached.

“Are.. Are you alright? Is Sehyoon.. Is he alright?” Junhee asked, voice starting to shake.

“I’m fine and Sehyoon will be alright, don’t worry.” Yuchan gave him a smile. It looked sad, but beautiful.

“What can I do? What can we do?” Junhee stepped closer to the younger, slipping his hand into Yuchan’s.

“There’s nothing you can do. He just needs some time.” Yuchan told him and the other male squeezed his hand in a gentle manner. Junhee’s presence felt so soothing, so calming. He didn’t want to ever let go of the other male.

“Do you want me to stay?” Junhee sounded so worried. Yuchan hated to worry him like that. He loved when Junhee was all smiles and laughter because of him and not pale faced and worried eyes.

“N.. No. You should go. We will be fine. Have fun with the others and don’t worry please.” He hurriedly told the other male. He didn’t want to worry them. He hated it when the others were worried for him.

“How can I not worry, Channie?” Junhee asked as he leaned closer to the younger. “Promise me that you will still be here when we come back.” Junhee told him, he sounded afraid. But Yuchan understood him. He would have been afraid too if he were in Junhee’s place.

“I promise.” He promised as the elder’s lips came in touch with his. It was simple, soft kiss, but it spoke more than any words could, it held more meaning than any sentences.

“I will see you later.” Junhee whispered as he part away from the younger male.

“You will.” Yuchan smiled at him, reassuring him that he would still be there, that he wouldn’t run away. “I love you.” Yuchan told him, causing Junhee to break into a bright smile.

“I love you too.” He kissed younger on the forehead before bidding goodbye and silently walking away. Yuchan’s eyes stayed glued on the other male's retreating back. He loved Junhee so much and he loved Donghun just as much as Junhee.

“Jun!” He called out, softly. Junhee immediately swirled around to look at him.

“Yes, Channie?” He called back, voice just as soft.

“Tell Hun that I love him.” Yuchan told the other, face instantly turning rosy.

“He loves you too, Channie.” Junhee suddenly run up to him only to steal a quick peck from the younger’s lips and skip back down on the hallway again. Yuchan felt shivers running through his entire body. He could hear Junhee’s giggles even after the male disappeared from his vision. He loved them more than anything. He wouldn’t run away. He was no longer afraid. He was done being afraid and he was done running away. There was only one battle left to fight and he believed that Sehyoon would make it. Sehyoon was stronger than anyone Yuchan had ever met. He was stronger than their uncle, stronger than their past and his thoughts. He would win the battle against them if he truly wanted it and Yuchan would make sure he did. He wouldn’t let Sehyoon give up on himself and he wouldn’t give up on him. They would be fine, because they had each other and they had also found people who cared for them and were ready to protect them with all their might. They didn’t have to fight alone anymore. They had Junhee, Donghun and Byeongkwan by their side.

 


	10. Chapter 10

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi there.  
> It's almost 4am, I can't sleep and this chapter is the result of the mess currently happening in my head. Hope you will like it.  
> Thanks a lot for giving so much love to this story, it means a lot and i appreciate it so much.  
> I wouldn't be able to fix mistakes even if I tried, so i apologize for that.  
> Hope you will enjoy reading this chapter.

 

**Chapter Thirty-Six**

 

 “Do you feel better?” Yuchan asked as soon as Sehyoon’s eyes blinked open. He had been sitting beside his sleeping brother for hours, silent, still, running his trembling hand through Sehyoon’s hair.

“I do.” Sehyoon told him in a whisper. He looked pale and in so much pain. Yuchan hated how Sehyoon kept lying to him because of Yuchan’s own sake. He wanted Sehyoon to tell him the raw truth, however hard it was to hear. He wanted to know everything, so he could somehow shoulder his older brother’s pain, lessen his struggles and ease his aching heart. He needed Sehyoon to be honest with him. He didn’t want to be lied to, not anymore. He wanted to help Sehyoon heal his own wounds. He wanted Sehyoon to stop worrying about him and let both of them worry about Sehyoon himself. “Thank you, Channie.” Sehyoon forced a small smile on his face and it broke Yuchan’s heart. Why couldn’t Sehyoon tell him truth, let him help. He wanted Sehyoon to realize that Yuchan would never be happy when he was in so much pain, when his older brother struggled to carry on with living. He wanted happiness for both of them - for Sehyoon and for himself. 

“Do you want me to get you something, anything?” Yuchan asked. He sounded desperate and he was.

“Water?” Sehyoon sounded unsure, but Yuchan immediately got him a bottle of water without further questioning. Sehyoon thanked him quietly before taking a long sip out of the bottle. He sat up on the bed and leaned against the headboard, hugging his knees to his chest. Yuchan had vague memory of Sehyoon often sitting in the exact same position when they were younger. He wished he had noticed the terror and sadness in Sehyoon's eyes back then. He wished he should have been more aware of his older brother's struggles.

“How are you feeling?” Yuchan tried again and silently wished Sehyoon wouldn’t lie to him anymore, ever again. Their eyes met for a second before Sehyoon casted them somewhere else. Yuchan reached out and rested his hand on Sehyoon’s turned face, gently urging him to look at him.

“I’m al..” Sehyoon started but Yuchan immediately cut him off. He found sudden rush of frustration and anger running through his entire body, causing him to tremble.

“Please tell me anything but alright.” Younger pleaded. “I know you aren’t alright, Sehyoon.” He didn’t need Sehyoon’s confirmation for it, he could see it just by looking at his older brother.

“I’m.. I’m..” Sehyoon started to stumble on his own words. Yuchan gently caressed his brother’s face with the back of his hand. “It hurts, Channie.” It took him so much power to say those three words, to admit how he was truly feeling. “It hurts a lot.” He choked out, tears falling from his eyes. Yuchan crawled on the bed beside him and pulled him in a tight hug.

“How.. How does it hurt? What kind of feeling is it?” Younger asked. He wanted to know how Sehyoon truly felt, but he wasn’t sure how to help him, how to ease his brother’s pain. He wanted to soothe him, show him that he wasn’t alone as much as he could, however he could.

“E.. Empty. There’s just emptiness and.. And nothing else b.. But it hurts.. It hurts so much, Channie.” Yuchan had never seen his older brother sounding this broken, looking this torn and fragile. The sight broke his heart, but he was glad Sehyoon was starting to tell him the truth that had been hunting him all this time. He needed Sehyoon to let his locked up emotions out, fill his emptiness with tears, tears that had chance to be turned into happiness. “I’m so scared, Channie but I don’t know what’s scaring me so much. I don’t.. I don’t understand any.. Anything anymore.. I can’t find a way out of it.. It’s all blankness and emptiness and there’s no way out.. Out of it.. I’m.. I’m.. I keep screaming for help but.. But there’s no one to help me, Channie.. I’m all alone scared, screaming in agonizing pain and there.. There’s no one to hear me. There.. There's no way for me to.. To leave..” Sehyoon’s hold around his shoulder’s tightened. He was digging his fingernails into Yuchan’s clothed skin. It hurt but he wouldn’t complain, because Sehyoon hurt way more than he did, he has ever done. Sehyoon had been hurting so much entire time and he had hidden it behind his smiles so well, he had been acting like he wasn’t scared and lost for Yuchan’s happiness and well being and Yuchan was blind enough and selfish enough to believe it, to believe in façade that concealed his brother’s unbearable sadness and pain. He felt tears paving their way on his cheeks. His heart was breaking for his older brother. He wished he could help him, ease his pain and it hurt him so much that he couldn’t do much to help him, he could only stay beside him and hold him close.

“You.. You have hurt so much, Sehyoon and I.. I.. I have been selfish to see it.” He found himself choking out, pressing Sehyoon closer to his chest. “I have been so selfish.” He whispered quietly before realizing that Sehyoon didn’t need to hear such words, he didn’t need Yuchan to blame himself for everything. He just needed Yuchan to be here for him and to listen to him. He couldn’t blame himself, none of them could blame themselves for each other’s pain and unhappiness. It wasn’t their fault, it never would be. The world was cruel to everyone. It broke everyone, but some were strong enough to find strength in their torn skin, some were strong enough to make happiness out of their pain and they needed to be like those people. They couldn’t keep blaming themselves, drowning in vain. They needed to crawl out of the dirt they had been left into and let the light get inside their torn skin. They couldn’t let the cruelty of world shatter them, stop them from searching happiness. They would get up every time the world would drag them in dirt and they would keep marching on. To Yuchan, being broken didn’t necessarily mean staying broken and if there was any chance of Sehyoon’s wounds healing left he would find it. He would turn the entire universe upside down only to see happy, genuine smile on his older brother’s face. The world broke everyone and it was always one broken person healing the other, their shattered pieces filling their scars and cracks. Yuchan had been broken once and Sehyoon had been broken more than one time, but Yuchan still would try his best to fill Sehyoon’s split wounds with his healed skin and he believed that Sehyoon would do the same for him. Sehyoon had been doing it for him for so long he had forgotten that he himself needed to be healed and it was now Yuchan’s turn to lent his pieces to his older brother in order for some of his cracks to be filled. “What can I do, Sehyoon, how can I ease your pain?” He found himself whispering, holding Sehyoon close to his frantically beating heart. He wished Sehyoon could hear the crazy sound of it, he wished the sound of it would comfort his older brother, show him that he wasn’t alone and there was someone’s heart aching for him, beating for him, beating against his shattered heart, willing to heal it.

“Just.. Just stay with me and hold me close please.” Sehyoon managed to say between loud, pained sobs and Yuchan’s hold instinctively tightened around his older brother’s trembling body, holding him close, holding him tight. If his presence and hold was what Sehyoon needed he would sit still for hours holding him. He would hold him for days, for weeks, for months, for years. He would hold him until every single crack on Sehyoon’s soul was healed, until this strange, unbearable pain and emptiness left him, until Sehyoon felt no longer lost, no longer afraid. He would hold him for years if his hold would be enough to heal him. He would keep holding onto him until Sehyoon was strong enough to hold onto himself and he would continue holding him even after this. He would hold Sehyoon for the rest of his life, for years to come.

Yuchan wouldn’t let cracks on Sehyoon’s soul, heart and mind get bigger. He would hold his older brother tightly until every shattered piece of Sehyoon was put together, mended whole.

 

*******

 

Yuchan rolled off the bed when soft sound of knocking echoed inside their hotel room. Sehyoon’s eyes immediately snapped open at the lack of connection and the sound of knocking. He had drifted back to sleep not long after both of them had cried their hearts out and dried their tears. Yuchan had lied down beside him, hugging him close, running his fingers through the elder’s hair to comfort him.

“It must be Jun.” Yuchan told him as he paddled over to the door.

The younger male slowly cracked the door open revealing beaming Junhee behind it. Their eyes met and he caught the relief that washed over Junhee’s eyes at the sight of him. He wasn’t alone this time, Donghun and Byeongkwan stood behind him. Donghun gave him a loving smile when their eyes locked together, while Byeongkwan tried to look over Yuchan’s shoulder and get a glimpse of Sehyoon inside.

“You are here.” Junhee whispered more to himself than for the others to hear. He was reassuring himself that Yuchan was still there, still standing in front of him.

“I am. I promised.” Younger told him and before he could react Junhee’s body crashed against his. The older male must have worried so much Yuchan wouldn’t be there when they returned. But Yuchan had promised him and he hated breaking promises. He was that kind of person who believed that promises were not meant to be broken, they were meant to be kept and turned into reality. And even if he hadn’t made a promise with Junhee he would still stay, he wouldn’t run away. He wouldn’t let his fears shape the way he felt, he dreamed, he lived anymore. He was stronger than his fears, he felt stronger than he had ever been. He was stronger, because now he had more people to give him strength and he was ready to share his own with them whenever and wherever they needed. He wrapped his arms around Junhee tightly, trying to reassure him that he was still there, beside him. His eyes met with Donghun’s over Junhee's shoulder once again. The other male was observing them with adoring smile resting on his lips. He radiated love and warmth and Yuchan could feel it even without touching him. Yuchan reached out one of his hands to Donghun, while the other stayed firmly wrapped around Junhee’s back. The elder immediately accepted it, placing a soft kiss on the back of it.

“I missed you, Channie.” Donghun whispered to him and Yuchan felt shivers running through his entire body. He had missed him too, he had missed both Donghun and Junhee.

“I missed you too.” He whispered back causing Donghun’s smile to widen. He loved it when Donghun smiled. It looked so warm and beautiful. It gave him so much comfort and warmth. He loved when Donghun and Junhee smiled – at him, at other people, at sceneries, at the world around them, at nothing in particuliar.

“Is.. Umm.. Is Sehyoon inside?” Quiet voice disturbed them and Yuchan’s eyes instantly snapped at the direction of the voice. It was Byeongkwan. He had completely forgotten about the other male. He slowly released Donghun and Junhee from his grasp, glancing between Byeongkwan and opened door behind himself.

“Y.. Yes.” Yuchan answered. Byeongkwan’s worried eyes turned hopeful.

“May I.. Can I..” He gestured younger to the open door. Yuchan immediately understood what the other male was implying. His chest hardened.

“I.. I’m.. I’m not sure if.. If..” He stammered. He didn’t want to say no to Byeongkwan, who looked worried and on the verge of running inside the room, but he also didn’t want to cause Sehyoon any more pain than he had experienced for the whole day.

“I will only say hi.” Byeongkwan said, pleading. Yuchan’s heart broke. “I will leave immediately if he doesn’t want to see me.” He added, eyes hopeful, voice full of plea. Yuchan slowly stepped away from the door, letting him slip inside. “Thank you.” Byeongkwan told him before disappearing inside the room. Yuchan’s gaze followed him, worried.

“It will be alright, Channie.” Donghun told him as his hand slipped inside Yuchan’s, tagging him close.

“I want to believe it will.” Yuchan said in return, burying his face in Donghun’s shoulder.

“Then believe it.” He heard Junhee say and felt Junhee’s arms sneaking around his body. The older male rested his chin on Yuchan’s shoulder. “Sometimes all we have to do is believe for things to get better. Sometimes it’s enough to believe. So do it. Believe it until it’s true, until your belief is turned into reality.” Junhee whispered for only them to hear and Yuchan did. He believed it with all his might and he would believe it until it became true.

Yuchan closed his eyes and let the other two males held him up, numb, relaxed in their arms. He felt Junhee’s lips on his temple, while Donghun kissed him on the head.

He believed in them, in their love and he believed that things would get better some day, one day.

 

*******

 

Byeongkwan walked inside the room with careful steps, his heart was pounding like crazy. He felt like it could jump out of his chest. He felt his hands starting to tremble. Sehyoon was sitting on the bed, head hung low. He seemed absent from his body.

“Hey.” Byeongkwan whispered as he got closer to the other man and Sehyoon’s head immediately snapped up at him. Their eyes met and Byeongkwan’s breath caught. Sehyoon eyes were swollen, bloodshot and puffy. He looked like he had cried for hours without break. His heart trembled at the sight.

“Hi.” Sehyoon whispered back, voice hoarse. He turned his face away, avoiding looking Byeongkwan in the eyes.

“Is it alright if I sit?” Byeongkwan asked, voice tender. He waited for Sehyoon’s answer with held breath. Sehyoon nodded slowly and Byeongkwan sat down beside the other male after making sure there was some distance left between them to not cause Sehyoon any discomfort with his presence. “How are you?” Byeongkwan asked. He hated asking Sehyoon this question, but he needed to ask it and he needed Sehyoon to give him an honest answer. This question could make so much difference if the answer to it was honest, unchanged.

“I.. I.. I’m..” Sehyoon struggled. Byeongkwan wanted to reach out and pull him close. He wished he could hold Sehyoon close without being afraid. “I’m.. I.. I don’t know.” Sehyoon gave up with a heavy sigh. For the first time Byeongkwan wasn’t being lied to for this question. It may not be the whole truth, but it was better than lies. Sehyoon had finally given up on his usual, false I’m alright.

“It’s okay to not know. Sometimes it’s impossible to explain how we feel.” Byeongkwan told him, gentle. There were feelings and emotions which were impossible to explain in words, in sentences. If there wasn’t then art would be meaningless, then Sehyoon’s painting wouldn’t hold any meaning. “Do you want to try and talk about it?” Byeongkwan asked, hopeful. He hoped Sehyoon would say yes, try to word, express, paint how he felt. Byeongkwan would wait until he found the right word, the right line, the right color to put name or shape on what he was feeling.

“I.. Byeongkwan.. I.. I just.. feel nothing an.. and everything all.. all at once.” Sehyoon whispered in a small voice, eyes fixed on the floor, fingers clutching the hem of his oversized t-shirt tightly. Byeongkwan could see his shoulders shuddering. Sehyoon was putting so much effort to word his thoughts, to force himself confess how he truly felt to him. Byeongkwan couldn’t hold his desire of reaching out to the other male any longer. His hand unconsciously found its way to Sehyoon’s, but he didn’t hold it, his hand hovered over Sehyoon’s, asking for his permission, waiting silently for Sehyoon to accept him. “Don’t.. Don’t do this to me please.” Sehyoon choked out suddenly, tears streaming down on his face like an angry, mad river ready to break and tear anything apart it run through. They pierced Byeongkwan’s heart.

“Do.. Do what, Sehyoon?” Byeongkwan asked, voice trembling. He felt suddenly afraid.

“Hopes. Don’t give me hopes please. I.. I am afraid of having them, Byeongkwan. I’m terrified of being hopeful, so don’t do this to me please.. Just.. Just don’t please.” Sehyoon sobbed out, trembling frantically.

Thousand of different emotions swarmed Byeongkwan all at once, his hopefulness and hopelessness fighting each other in a fierce battle. Sehyoon was terrified of building hopes, terrified of having them shattered again. Sehyoon was terrified of holding his hand, of accepting him, because the thought of being torned apart, being put in so much pain and agony once again horrified him. Sehyoon’s heart wanted to hold his hand, while Sehyoon’s mind rejected him. Sehyoon was terrified of him, because he saw hope in Byeongkwan, because Byeongkwan tried to give him hope, because Byeongkwan kept promising to heal him. He was terrified of believing in his words and promises, he was terrified of Byeongkwan breaking them, breaking him.

“Sehyoon.” He whispered, hand reaching up for Sehyoon’s face. “Look at me please.” He pleaded, hand hovering beside Sehyoon’s cheek. The other male raised his head to look at him, his cheek came in touch with Byeongkwan’s fingers. He felt Sehyoon shudder at the sudden connection. He felt his own body shuddering. “I’m not going to break you, Sehyoon. I’m not going to give you hopes and then leave you in pain. I’m not going to leave you helpless. All I want is to help you heal, Sehyoon. I want to help you look for your happiness, for your lost way. I want to help you get better. I want to help you replace your bad memories with good ones. All I want is you to be happy, Sehyoon. All I want is you to give me chance, to let me prove that I’m not going to give you false hopes, that I’m not going to break promises I have made.” He caressed Sehyoon’s tear stained cheek with his thumb. He didn’t want Sehyoon to be scared of him, to be terrified of having hopes and dreams again. He wanted Sehyoon to trust him, to give him chance. He would never hurt Sehyoon. He would never do anything to hurt him.

“How can I believe you, Byeongkwan? How can I believe it when all I have ever seen and felt in life is pain and betrayal? When people who were supposed to be my family only hurt me and left me crying? How can I be sure that you aren’t like them, you won’t be like him?” Sehyoon kept confessing his fears to him and Byeongkwan was struggling to put pieces to pieces together. His assumptions, his thoughts were shaping themselves true by each word that left Sehyoon’s lips.

“I need you to trust me, Sehyoon.” Byeongkwan told him as he cupped Sehyoon’s face with both of his hands. Sehyoon felt familiarity of his words. The same words he had always said to Yuchan. _I need you to trust me, Channie. Things will get better. I just need you to trust me._  But he wasn’t his younger brother and Byeongkwan wasn’t him. Byeongkwan was the man Sehyoon wanted to hold hands with, because he felt safe and comforted by his touch and he was the same man Sehyoon wanted to push away, because he terrified him. He made Sehyoon feel things, want things he hadn’t felt in years, he was afraid of feeling and wanting. He wanted to ask Byeongkwan to pull him close and he wanted to ask Byeongkwan to give up on him at the same time. He was terrified of not being good enough, he was terrified of dragging Byeongkwan in the dirt with himself, he was terrified of hurting him, telling him truth, letting him see Sehyoon for who he truly was. He was terrified of showing Byeongkwan his true self, because he was himself terrified of looking at it. He was scared of Byeongkwan and he was scared of his own self. He was scared of so many things and his cowardice only kept growing inside him. He was a coward. He would always be, because that was what Kim Sehyoon truly was – a coward, still terrified 12 years old child.

“I can’t be healed, Byeongkwan. I can’t be saved. You can’t help me.” He reached up and rested his hands over Byeongkwan’s. He wouldn’t let Byeongkwan ruin his own life. Sehyoon was ruined and he brought ruination to everyone dear to him. He couldn’t risk ruining Byeongkwan.

“You can be, Sehyoon, you can be. Healing takes time, sometimes it takes forever, but that doesn’t mean we aren’t healing, that doesn’t mean old wounds aren’t closed and replaced by the new ones. We shouldn’t let fear of being wounded stop us from living. It’s part of life to hurt, to wound, to break. But being broken doesn’t mean to stop moving, to stop going, to stop searching for happiness and love. We break, but we live on – broken, wounded, torn, shattered. It’s part of being a human, it’s part of living. You can’t find true happiness, true love, true home, your true self without being hurt and burnt on the way. What would happiness be if we didn’t know how unhappiness felt? What would loving someone and being loved be if we didn’t know how loneliness felt? We tend to put yourselves in suffocating, agonizing chains by hiding our pain, our sadness, our loneliness, our true selves and we realize it too late, we only realize it when chains are too heavy, too tight, too suffocating to be broken. It’s okay to be scared, to be afraid, Sehyoon, but you shouldn’t let your fears keep you from the things you love, you shouldn’t let them keep you from people you love. You can’t avoid hurting them, hurting yourself, if it’s meant to be.” Byeongkwan’s hands slipped down from Sehyoon’s face to his shoulders and he slowly pulled the other male close. He could feel Sehyoon shuddering under his touch, but he didn’t resist it. He fell limp against Byeongkwan’s chest, while Byeongkwan wrapped his arms around Sehyoon's shivering body.

“Why.. Why am I like this, Byeongkwan?” Sehyoon whispered against his chest. Byeongkwan gently laid one of his hands on Sehyoon’s head, resting his chin on the top of it.

“Like what, Sehyoon?” He asked, voice tender. His entire being was trembling. His heart was pounding madly against his ribcage.

“Like.. Like this.. I.. I don’t know.. Like..” Sehyoon struggled. Byeongkwan felt himself smiling.

“Like this sad? This broken? In so much pain? Or like this beautiful? This breathtaking? This caring? You are so many things all at once, Sehyoon and it’s truly a tragedy you only see small part of it, parts that aren’t very easy to look at. It’s truly a tragedy someone has painted yourself so unworthy and undeserving to you. It’s truly a tragedy people are cruel enough to ruin beautiful, kind humans like you. It’s truly a tragedy you have let what they have said and done to you cover your sight. It’s a tragedy, but that doesn’t mean it needs to have a tragic ending. You can always fight for your own happy ending, Sehyoon. Don’t let things that have happened to you write your story, you are more than your scars, your wounds, your past and let me help you see it. Let me help you find your way back. Let me guide you on your way.” Byeongkwan slightly tightened his hold on Sehyoon’s trembling body, cautious, afraid of scaring him away. He felt Sehyoon’s fingers clutch onto his shirt. Sehyoon was enduring so much. He was enduring so much for himself, for Byeongkwan, for winning this intense, mad fight against his mind.

“I don’t want to be scared anymore, Byeongkwan, but I can’t stop being afraid.” Sehyoon said in a muffled voice, but Byeongkwan heard him loud and clear. He would hear even Sehyoon’s silent pleas.

“Changing, forgetting, moving on, healing – they take time, Sehyoon. Sometimes they take days, sometimes they take years, sometimes they last as long as we live. It’s okay to be afraid, but don’t stop trying, don’t give up and keep carrying on. It’s better to say I have tried in the end then regret not trying at all.” Byeongkwan told him, pressing him close. They felt silent, but it was comfortable, free from tension. It felt serene. Just like Sehyoon loved it. They sat on the bed, Sehyoon clutching onto Byeongkwan, Byeongkwan holding him tight. Soft smile found its way on Byeongkwan’s face when muffled sound of laughter reached him, paved its way through the silence and surrounded them. His best friends were laughing outside with Yuchan. They were happy and fine and Byeongkwan believed that so would be him and Sehyoon. They just needed more time. Sehyoon needed time to find his way back to his lost hopes and dreams and Byeongkwan would be beside him to guide him.

_The world around them felt serene. Perhaps it was the sign of things starting to get better, Sehyoon starting to heal._

 


	11. Chapter 11

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello there.  
> Just another update, because I'm feeling too much things all at once. This chapter is short, but important, as it marks the whole turning point of the story.  
> Thank you so much for giving support to this story, I appreciate it so much.  
> Oh and for the first time I actually tried to fix some mistakes, but couldn't concentrate long enough on it, so I apologize for them.  
> Hope you will enjoy reading this chapter.

 

**Chapter Thirty-Seven**

 

They hit the road again early in the morning. Their next destination wasn’t far from the city they had been staying but Junhee wanted to get there as soon as possible. He had been talking about the stargazing event taking place in the famous flower fields tonight since the second they got inside Byeongkwan's car. His excitement was rubbing on the others. Byeongkwan was back on his usual driver’s seat and the trio occupied backseat of his car. Sehyoon was sitting on the passenger seat, silent, legs pressed against his chest, hugging them tightly. He had his head rested on his knees, looking out of the window at the beautiful sceneries. He kept to himself for the entire ride. He looked relaxed and in peace, absent from his body, from the loud, chattering car, but he seemed peaceful. Stealing glances from him eased strange churning in Byeongkwan’s chest. The world around Sehyoon felt still, calm, quiet even though Junhee’s and Yuchan’s loud laughter kept booming inside the car and reached beyond it. For the first time in days, Byeongkwan could see Sehyoon relaxed and peaceful, he could feel calmness spilling out of the other's body. It eased his heart, mind and soul and he found himself smiling through the entire ride.

 

*******

 

The flower fields were beautiful. You could see nothing else but colorful, beautiful flowers in the entire horizon. There were people swarming around like bees, chattering, laughing. It was full of life. Sehyoon found himself inching closer to Byeongkwan who was standing beside him, gazing at the eternal rows of flowers with sun lit eyes. The sun shone down on his face and casted beautiful glow on him. He radiated warmth and calmness. His brown eyes slowly trailed on Sehyoon who looked frightened, standing next to him like a lost, scared child. Loud, moving rows of people must have felt unnerving to him. Byeongkwan gave him a warm smile and Sehyoon immediately turned his eyes somewhere else.

“Are you alright?” Byeongkwan whispered to him, leaning close, fingers brushing against Sehyoon’s in silent encouragement. Sehyoon didn’t say anything in return, just gave him a slight nod before trailing behind his excited younger brother. Byeongkwan followed them behind, warm, soft smile still dancing on his lips.

 

*******

 

It took them few minutes to scatter around the fields, distracted by their surroundings. They kept trailing near to the flowers that caught their attention, went around the small stalls to learn how to make wreaths from flowers. Sehyoon found a quiet, small place to himself that was safe distance away from the swarming bodies of people, his sketchbook laid open on his lap. He wanted to draw the scenery surrounding him, remember the true beauty of nature with his hands. He now had more colors than his blank ink. Thanks to Byeongkwan, he could draw in more colors than black.

His hands found what they wanted to draw with ease and before Sehyoon's mind could register the lines on the blank paper were turning into shapes – beautiful, colorful, full of life. It felt strange, but Sehyoon found himself loving the strangeness of it. It was nothing like the drawings that filled his sketchbook. It was full of life, full of colors, full of happiness. Sehyoon found himself falling in love with the drawing when his hands finished the last line and his mind returned to his usual state. There were five people looking over to the lively, colorful flower fields. Some of them laughing, some of them simply enjoying the sight in front of them. He loved the drawing. It was full of life, full of silent hope. It brought him strange kind of warmness and stranger kind of peace, but he loved it, because it was nothing like his old drawings, it was simple, but beautiful. For someone it may not look special, but for him it did. He saw hope in this drawing, he saw beauty and found hints of happiness in it. The drawing told the story, Sehyoon himself couldn’t tell, didn’t know how to tell. But he didn’t need words to tell it, he just needed someone to look at it and see how he truly felt.

Sehyoon felt something being placed on his head and his hands immediately reached up to his hair, head instantly snapping up to see the intruder. It was Byeongkwan, smiling down at him. He felt soft petals of flowers on his head as his fingers gently brushed against them. He felt something break inside him, but he couldn’t name what, he wasn’t sure if there was anything breakable left in him.

“Hey.” Byeongkwan greeted him quietly, trying to not disturb the calmness surrounding Sehyoon.

“Hi.” Sehyoon whispered as he took the flower crown off his head and stared at it with wide, confused eyes. As if he couldn’t believe he was holding colorful wreath of flowers in his trembling hands.

“I thought it would look beautiful on you.” Byeongkwan told him as he sat down beside the other male, keeping slight distance between them. He had learned to never intrude in Sehyoon’s comfort space, until Sehyoon himself gave him a permission to become part of it.

Sehyoon didn’t say anything. He kept glancing between Byeongkwan, flower crown in his hands and the sketchbook on his lap. Byeongkwan’s eyes trailed on the drawing. He carefully took in every detail of Sehyoon’s drawing and he immediately understood the reason behind the other male’s confusion, or maybe it was not confusion, but surprise, because one of the figures in Sehyoon’s drawing wore the identical flower wreath on his head Sehyoon was holding with his shaking hands.

A gentle smile found its way on Byeongkwan’s lips and he slowly took the flower crown from Sehyoon’s fingers and placed it back on the other male’s head. It looked absolutely and utterly beautiful on Sehyoon’s head, in contrast of Sehyoon’s black hair. The sight in front of him was breathtaking. It was more breathtaking than the sceneries surrounding them. Sehyoon was so breathtakingly beautiful and Byeongkwan struggled to keep his heartbeat steady. It was picking up the beat in insane speed and pounding madly against his chest. His fingers found themselves caressing Sehyoon’s cheek before slipping away from the other male’s face. He wished so hard, so desperately, Sehyoon would see how beautiful he was, how he never failed to take Byeongkwan's breath away.

“It’s beautiful.” Byeongkwan whispered to him. Sehyoon turned his face away from Byeongkwan’s vision. Byeongkwan found it endearing, he couldn’t keep adoring smile off his face. “You are beautiful.” He found himself confessing, waiting with held breath for the other’s reaction. Sehyoon’s eyes turned back on him, there were sunshines glinting inside them. Sehyoon didn’t say anything back, he just stared at Byeongkwan, looking lost, confused, scared. He just kept staring at him until Byeongkwan understood how he felt, what he wanted to say but couldn’t put voice on it. “May I?” Byeongkwan asked as he slowly reached for the sketchbook on Sehyoon’s lap. Sehyoon nodded and let Byeongkwan take it away.

He waited for the other male’s reaction with held breath. Byeongkwan was observing his drawing with soft smile on his face.

“This is so lovely, Sehyoon.” Byeongkwan told him and Sehyoon leaned closer to get a better look of his own drawing, as if he was trying to see what Byeongkwan saw when he looked at it. Byeongkwan’s eyes remained on the five men. He could tell who was who, he could understand how Sehyoon saw and perceived each of them. Some were brighter, some were darker, but all of them were beautiful. He wasn’t either dark or bright. Sehyoon saw him somewhere in between – careful balance between light and darkness. He reached for Sehyoon’s hand on the ground and the warmth instantly spread through his entire being when the other male turned his hand over and loosely slipped his fingers in Byeongkwan’s hand. Byeongkwan wanted to intertwine their fingers together, press them close, but he didn’t, because Sehyoon only needed a gentle assurance that he wasn’t alone and soft brushing of their fingers was enough for it. Byeongkwan wouldn’t force him to take larger steps, he would wait until Sehyoon was fully ready, until he was no longer scared of holding Byeongkwan’s hand.

“Can I see more?” Byeongkwan asked. He wanted to see what Sehyoon’s other drawings looked like. He wanted to see how Sehyoon truly felt. He wanted to see the feelings and emotions Sehyoon couldn’t put into words, but painted them.

“No.” Sehyoon told him, voice suddenly turning rigid. “No.” He repeated and hurriedly took the sketchbook away from Byeongkwan’s hand. He couldn’t let Byeongkwan see his other drawings. He was afraid of what Byeongkwan might see in them. He was afraid of Byeongkwan seeing his soul naked, his mind unguarded, his heart lying bare.

“It’s okay.” Byeongkwan said, trying to put the other male at ease again. “It’s okay. You don’t have to show me.” He managed a small smile. He wouldn’t force Sehyoon to show him. He would wait until Sehyoon wished to show Byeongkwan his drawings himself. Sehyoon needed time to heal, time to get used to things that were starting to change and he would give him time, he would give him as much time as he needed. He was no longer worried of it running out for them, because Sehyoon knew his true feelings and he knew how Sehyoon felt about them.

“Channie!” Junhee calling for the younger male reached them and Byeongkwan turned to search for his best friend. Junhee and Yuchan were running around, laughing, not so far from where they sat. Younger was holding something in his hands and Junhee was chasing him for it. Donghun stood near, smiling fondly at the sight.

“Careful, Chan!” Byeongkwan saw Donghun call out for the younger male just as Yuchan slipped on the grass and crashed on the ground, causing Junhee to stumble over him before falling on top of the younger.

Sehyoon's head immediately snapped to their direction and before Byeongkwan could react Sehyoon was already making his way to where his younger brother fell.

 

*******

 

Junhee laughed as he rolled off the younger, who kept yelping under him. His hand came in touch with Yuchan’s bare skin as he tried to steady himself. Younger’s t-shirt had rolled up on his stomach, revealing angry, yellowish-brown bruises. Junhee heard himself gasp. He felt air getting knocked out of his lungs. His heart tried to rip his ribcage apart.

“Ch.. Channie.” He found himself stuttering out. Younger male was looking up at him with smiling face, his eyes were sparkling at the sunlight. “Wh.. What are.. What are these?” Yuchan’s eyes travelled from Junhee’s face to the elder's hand and Junhee saw life drain out of the younger’s face in less than a second. Yuchan’s smile fell as he hurriedly covered his stomach and scrambled to his feet. Younger took a careful step away from Junhee, face pale, tears threatening to fell from his eyes. Yuchan was whispering something to himself, something he was unable to hear, shaking his head in panic and disbelief. Junhee found himself frozen in horror. He wasn’t sure what he was horrified of – Yuchan’s bruises or the younger’s reaction. “Channie.” He cried out Yuchan’s name, trembling hand reaching out for the younger. Yuchan didn’t take it. He would have by now, but this time he didn’t. He just took another step away from Junhee.

“Are you okay, Chan?” Sehyoon came rushing in Junhee’s sight. He looked just as panicked as his younger brother.

“I.. I.. He.. He saw.. Sehyoon.. He..” Yuchan started to stumble on his words. Sehyoon had to hold him firm to keep younger from falling apart.

“What Channie?” Sehyoon asked, but he already knew the answer. He understood what had happened. Yuchan’s biggest fear had turned itself into reality.

“Th.. Them.” Yuchan hugged himself, arms covering his fragile, bruised body. Sehyoon turned to look at Junhee, who was still sitting on the ground, staring at them with so many emotions mixed on his face.

Junhee struggled to pull himself up and steady hands immediately sneaked around his waist to lend him help. Donghun pressed Junhee’s back against his chest, shouldering his trembling lover.

Yuchan looked ready to run off, run away from him, from them. He was pale, sparkles from his eyes gone, delicate body shuddering. Junhee found himself burning in pain. He felt like he could feel Yuchan’s sadness, Yuchan’s ache and his heart broke. Younger had to endure so much pain.

“Don’t please.” He cried out, hand reaching out for Yuchan once again. Younger heard his plea. He didn’t run away, but the fear in his eyes remained – wide, growing, overpowering. “You don’t have to tell us now, channie.”

 

**Chapter Thirty-Eight**

 

The stars shone brightly on the clear night sky. Everything and everyone felt serene. Yuchan laid on the blanket between Donghun and Junhee in the middle of a wide flower field, grasping each other's hands. Sehyoon sat not far from them, while Byeongkwan laid beside his older brother. He wasn’t looking up at the sky, his eyes were glued on Sehyoon, who as usual seemed absent from his body. They looked peaceful. The world around them felt serene, silent, still. Yuchan wished he could stop the time. He wished they could remain frozen in time, in this moment forever. Junhee shifted beside him and few seconds later he felt older male’s lips on his cheek. It was soft, tender. He felt comforted by the soft pair of lips grazing his skin. He tried to gather every ounce of courage in his body, he wouldn’t let his fears and insecurities chain him up, put him in a cage. He wouldn’t let his fears and insecurities stop him from being free, from searching happiness, from loving others and from living his dreams. He was stronger than his fears. He felt stronger than he has ever felt. He needed to win over himself in order to look his fears straight in the eyes. He wouldn’t let his fears conquer him, not anymore. He had people who gave him enough strength and courage to look his fears in the eyes and conquer them.

“My uncle.” He found himself whispering, softly, quietly. He knew Donghun and Junhee would hear him. They always heard him, they always knew how Yuchan felt, what he needed. “It was my uncle who left these bruises on me.” It was heard to speak these words, it took him so much strength and courage. But the more he revealed, the more heaviness in his chest lessened. “He abused me, abused us. He hurt both Sehyoon and me.” He confessed and the world suddenly felt at ease. He felt chains around his body shatter. He could finally set himself free.

“He will never be able to hurt you ever again, Channie.” Junhee whispered to him and both Donghun’s and Junhee’s fingers tightened around his. “I promise.” Junhee placed another tender kiss on his cheek.

“We promise.” Donghun added, pulling both Junhee and him close.

“I love you.” Yuchan whispered to them. He loved them. He would love them till the end of the times.

“We love you too, Channie.” Both Donghun and Junhee whispered back to him at the same time. He found himself laughing as he pressed them close.

His happiness was becoming Donghun’s and Junhee’s own and their happiness felt like his. This moment made him believe that love also could be considered as magic – the sort that made you one feel inexplicable connectedness with people and places, one that caused you inexplicable feeling of belonging. Yuchan finally felt like he belonged – squished between Donghun and Junhee, beside the other two males. He felt like he had finally found his home – a place that wasn’t only made for living, but for sharing love and happiness.

 


	12. Chapter 12

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi there.  
> Sooo yet another update, because I can't sleep and writing this makes me feel better and at ease.  
> So, we got to see some details of Yuchan's (and Sehyoon's) past in this chapter.  
> Thank you so much for giving so much love to this story, I appreciate it a lot. You all are so sweet and nice.  
> I apologize for the mistakes as usual.  
> Hope you will enjoy reading this chapter.

 

**Chapter Thirty-Nine**

 

Yuchan sat down beside his older brother on the grass. The sun was starting to rise, casting beautiful glow on their surroundings. Everything looked ethereal, unreal, peaceful, still. He could have spent his entire life living in this moment. Sehyoon’s gaze was focused on something far ahead, something Yuchan’s eyes couldn’t reach. He looked absent, as he always did. Sehyoon was staring into nothingness that never actually meant nothing. His older brother's nothingness contained so many things all at once Yuchan wondered how strong Sehyoon had to be to survive the violent crashing of them against him.

“Sehyoon.” He whispered softly, laying his head on the other’s shoulder. He felt Sehyoon move, come back to life. Yuchan often thought that his older brother was like his own paintings. Sometimes he looked like he was living in another world, travelling somewhere else, in some other time. Sometimes looking at him felt like looking at the drawings that used to adorn Sehyoon’s old room walls. He felt unreal until you touched him, until you heard his shattered heart beating hard against his chest. Yuchan felt Sehyoon’s lips on his head, older male placed a soft kiss on it. “I told them, Sehyoon.” He confessed in a quiet voice. Sehyoon leaned his cheek on Yuchan’s head. “I told them about uncle.” He repeated just as quietly. Sehyoon needed to know that the others had finally learned the truth about their past, their darkness they had been so hard to hide.

“I know.” Sehyoon told him, gentle. “I heard.” His voice was soft, warm, calm. Yuchan didn’t expect Sehyoon to be so calm about it. He expected a different reaction, but he was glad, he was happy Sehyoon didn’t react the way he had expected him to. This felt much better, gave him more courage.

“I want to tell them more.” Yuchan found himself whispering. He wanted to tell everything to Junhee and Donghun, no matter how hard, how suffocating, how painful it was. He wanted to tell them the whole truth. He needed to be honest. He needed to look his fears in the eyes and show them that he could fight back, he was ready to fight them back. He would fight back and move on. He would carry on with his dreams and life. “I don’t want to be afraid anymore.” He felt Sehyoon shift and few seconds later he was buried in his older brother’s tight embrace.

“You are so brave, Channie.” Sehyoon told him, placing a kiss on his head. “I wish I had half of your braveness.” Sehyoon said and Yuchan tightened his hold around his older brother.

“I am brave because I have you, Sehyoon. Because you have been so brave for me all this time.” He told the elder and wished Sehyoon would believe his words, would see the truth in them. If it wasn't for Sehyoon Yuchan would be still locked up in their uncle’s house, bruised, terrified, writhing pain. If it wasn’t for Sehyoon and his braveness, Yuchan would have never found his happiness, his way back to his dreams, his hopes, his desire to carry on living.

“I have never been brave, Chan. It was always you giving me strength.” Sehyoon whispered to him, ache visible in his voice. No, it was them giving strength to each other.

“You have been, Sehyoon. You were always so brave.” Yuchan told him, firm, clear, loud. “Let me be unafraid for both of us until you find your braveness.” He said and Sehyoon pressed him closer. It was a promise, silent, unspoken. Yuchan would be unafraid for both of them, brave for both of them, strong for both of them until Sehyoon would find his strength, his braveness, his own way to fight his fears back. Sehyoon had been so strong, so brave for both of them for so long. Now it was Yuchan’s turn to fight for his older brother’s happiness and he would. He would fight until his last breath. He would give up on the entire universe for Sehyoon’s happiness.

“Channie!” Junhee’s voice reached them and pulled them out of their own little world. Yuchan turned his head around to look for the other male. Junhee stood not so far from them, waving his hand to him. “Leaving in 5 minutes.” Junhee called for them, brightness of his smile still managed to reach Yuchan and blinded his sight. Junhee’s smile could do wonders to him. It was the most beautiful smile Yuchan has ever seen and he was sure no one could compare to the beauty the other male held within himself. He found Junhee’s smile to be the most beautiful, the most precious wonder of the universe and he was glad he was able to find it, call it his. He turned his attention back to Sehyoon, whose arms were now loosely wrapped around his body. He leaned in and placed a gentle kiss on his older brother’s cheek before getting up from the ground. He reached out for Sehyoon to lend him help, smiling down at the older male.

“Let’s go.” He said as Sehyoon’s hand slipped in his and pulled his older brother up. “Everything will be fine if you believe it, Sehyoon.” He whispered to the elder before leading him towards the awaiting trio of best friends. Junhee had told him the same words once and he had believed them. He had believed them until things started to get better, until it got easier to breath. He believed them now and he would believe them in the future. He needed Sehyoon to also believe these words, to trust the universe blindly. Life might be cruel, but it was also full of so many beautiful things.

 

**Chapter Forty**

 

“Sehyoon.” Yuchan whispered in a hushed voice as he caught up with his older brother on the staircase, the trio of best friends trailing behind them. Sehyoon glanced at him, focusing his attention on the younger. “Is it okay if I stay with Donghun and Junhee tonight?” Yuchan asked in a quiet voice, leaning in to not let the others hear what he was saying. He was looking up at Sehyoon with wide, hopeful eyes. Sehyoon knew why younger wanted to stay with them and even if he was feeling the uncomfortable nagging of his mind he wouldn’t say no to the younger. He gave Yuchan a slight nod and his brother squeezed his hand in a thankful manner before falling behind.

“Can I stay with you tonight?” Sehyoon heard his younger brother ask Donghun and Junhee. He felt sharp pang in his chest, but ignored it. He couldn’t hold Yuchan back. If younger thought that revealing his past to his lovers wouldn’t be harmful for what they shared and had, if he thought revealing his hidden, shattered self to them would set him free, Sehyoon wouldn’t meddle. He couldn’t stop him. Yuchan knew better than him what was the best for his own happiness. Sehyoon wished he did too. Sehyoon wished he could be as brave as the younger male.

“Why are you even asking, Channie. Of course, you can.” He heard Junhee laugh behind him. Sehyoon didn’t need to look to know he was pulling Yuchan in his embrace.

They reached his hotel room first and everyone came to a halt when Sehyoon stopped to open the door. He wished them a good night and Yuchan gave him a bone crashing hug before following the other two males to their own room. Just as Sehyoon was about to close the door, Byeongkwan slipped his hand inside, causing him to jolt in surprise at his sudden appearance.

“Sorry.” Byeongkwan mumbled, suddenly looking sheepish. Sehyoon just stared at him silent, waiting for the other to say something. They stood, gazing at one another in silence for a while. Byeongkwan’s eyes trailed on the flower wreath in Sehyoon’s hand, knowing that Sehyoon hadn’t thrown it away and kept it brought him warmth. He felt himself smiling. “Do you want me to stay?” He found himself asking. His heart pounded hard against his chest. He came to ask Sehyoon if he would be alright alone, but his mouth and mind never cooperated when it came to the other male.

“No.” Sehyoon told him curtly. He felt disappointment sinking in his entire body. He didn’t know why he had expected Sehyoon to say yes. He would have been shocked if he had said yes. “I will be alright.” Sehyoon added in a small, almost inaudible whisper and Byeongkwan found his disappointment immediately washing away. Sehyoon could understand, could feel his true intents.

“Let me know if something doesn’t feel right.” Byeongkwan told him, giving Sehyoon a gentle smile. The other male nodded, almost unnoticeable, but it was more than enough of a gesture to ease Byeongkwan’s madly beating heart. He whispered Sehyoon a good night before slipping out of his room, trying to convince himself that Sehyoon would tell him if he didn’t feel right, if his thoughts got too much, too unbearable to handle. He didn’t know why, but he found himself believing that Sehyoon would, he found himself convinced that Sehyoon trusted him – with his sadness, with his loneliness and pain, with his thoughts and his whole being. He closed the door of his own room behind his back, believing that Sehyoon would look for him if he needed someone to keep him company, someone to keep his demons away.

*******

 

Yuchan carefully lowered himself on the bed. He felt awkward. He didn’t know what to do or what to say as he watched the other two men move around the room silently, giving him warm smiles whenever he locked eyes with them. Few minutes later he was sitting crossed legged in the middle of a wide bed with Donghun and Junhee on his sides.

“Don’t feel uncomfortable, Channie.” Junhee told him before kissing his cheek. Yuchan felt himself blushing, causing the other two to laugh.

“It feels awkward, doesn’t it?” Donghun asked as he gently rubbed Yuchan’s back in comfort. Yuchan nodded, but still managed to give them a smile. “Don’t worry.” Donghun kissed his head before getting up and disappearing inside the bathroom. Junhee pushed himself against the headboard of the bed and patted free space beside him with his hand.

“Come here, Channie.” Younger crawled beside the other male, who opened his arms wide to embrace him. Yuchan leaned in Junhee’s hold, resting his head on the elder’s chest. Junhee rested his chin on top of Yuchan’s head as he started to hum familiar melody to him. It felt soothing, causing warmth to spread out in his entire being. He felt himself relax in the other male’s hold, letting calmness overpower him. Few minutes later his awkwardness was gone and fully replaced by the fleeting of butterflies coming to life inside him. It felt nice.

It didn’t took Donghun long to finish his shower and join them back inside the room. Both, Junhee and Yuchan observed him quietly, while he sat on the window sill and dried his hair. Junhee’s humming started to cease, but the warmness remained.

They sat in comfortable silence for quite some time, feeling nothing but each other’s warmth, hearing nothing but each other’s breaths and heartbeats. It felt calming. Yuchan loved this moment. He loved every moment spent with Donghun and Junhee.

“Channie.” Junhee whispered as his arms loosened around Yuchan’s body and shifted to change his position. Few seconds later he was sitting in front of Yuchan, staring at him with uncertain eyes. Yuchan felt lump gathering in his throat, heart pounding in his ears loudly. “May I see them?” Junhee asked him, hands slipping into Yuchan’s. He sounded hopeful, but his eyes looked uncertain, worried. As if he wasn’t sure if he really wanted to see Yuchan’s scars and bruises. Yuchan wanted to say no, to decline, afraid of what they might see, afraid of them not finding him as loveable, as lovely as they did now. He wanted to say no, but he had promised himself, he had promised Sehyoon. He needed to be brave and he would be. He wouldn’t let his fears and insecurities conquer him anymore.

“But they are ugly.” He whispered when he finally found his voice, forced himself to gather every ounce of courage he had in his trembling body. It wasn’t a refusal, it was a warning. His scars and bruises were ugly and he was scared of Junhee no longer finding him beautiful.

“They are.” Junhee said, squeezing his hands in gentle manner. “But you aren’t.” He gave Yuchan a soft, loving smile. Junhee would never find him ugly and neither would Donghun, because they loved him – with or without his scars and bruises. They loved him genuinely, purely and the sight of his bruised body would never change it, it would only make their love and the desire to protect him stronger. “Is it alright?” Junhee asked as his hands slipped out from Yuchan’s and gently grasped the hem of younger’s wide t-shirt. Yuchan gave a slight nod. He felt terrified, but he would endure it. Junhee and Donghun needed to see him whole, with his bruises and blemishes, with all the scars and faults. He needed to show them this unpleasant side of him in order to let them love him whole, for who he truly was.

Junhee gently, carefully slipped younger’s t-shirt off and had to bit down on his lower lip to prevent a gasp escaping his mouth. Yuchan’s delicate, fragile body was fully covered in angry bruises and harsh scars, some of them almost healed, some of them as raw as new. It was hard to look at. He felt his heart breaking, eyes starting to sting from the unshed tears he tried to hold back. He wouldn’t cry, Yuchan didn’t need to see him crying right now. He couldn’t make younger feel bad about showing his true self to them, revealing his hidden, scarred body. He couldn’t understand how someone could be so cruel, so inhumane, so stone hearted to hurt a boy as beautiful, as bright and as kind as Yuchan. He couldn’t understand it and he felt himself burning in anger. He would kill Yuchan’s uncle with his bare hands if the man ever dared to show himself in front of the younger male again. His trembling fingers ghosted against Yuchan’s bruised skin. He wished he could heal them with his tender touches, he wished he knew a way to lessen younger’s pain. Yuchan truly was the bravest, the strongest boy he has ever met. He had gone through a lot, he had endured so much, but he hadn’t let cruelty of the world, of the humans break him, turn him into a ferocious monster who hated everyone and everything around him, including himself. Yuchan truly was the bravest soul he had ever come across in life. The younger hadn’t let all the bad things that have happened to him break his soul, take his desire to live a fulfilling life away. He had managed to stay pure, bright and kind. Yuchan was the most beautiful boy in the entire universe, so beautiful that Junhee’s heart burned.

He felt the bed dip. Donghun sat down beside Yuchan and also run his fingers along the younger's bruised skin. Junhee found himself leaning in and pressing a delicate kiss on one of Yuchan’s bruises. He felt younger shiver at the touch. Junhee wished he could wash Yuchan’s scars away with his kisses. He placed another kiss on younger’s shoulder, once, twice. He kept leaving soft kisses along Yuchan’s scars until he had kissed every single one of them, until he was sure Yuchan no longer believed that they would ever find him ugly, unloveable, until yuchan felt how much Junhee loved him, until Yuchan felt nothing but Junhee’s tender kisses burning on his skin, full of care and love, until he forgot that there were any scars on his body in the first place, until all he felt was Junhee’s and Donghun’s burning touches.

 

**Chapter Forty-One**

 

Sehyoon sat on the window sill, back leaned against the wall, hugging his legs to his chest tightly. He had been staring at the pitch black darkness outside since the second he had closed his hotel room’s door behind Byeongkwan’s back. The room felt cold and empty without Yuchan’s soft humming or light snores. His mind kept wondering back and forth between his younger brother and the certain blond male. He couldn’t force his mind to concentrate on any of them or something else. He tried to sleep, but it didn’t come. It never did when Sehyoon needed it the most. It was the best supporter of Sehyoon’s torturing thoughts, never visiting him when he needed to get away from them the most.

He felt silence surrounding him suddenly dissolve and he heard familiar sinister voice whispering to him from the darkness. He heard it laughing at him, mocking him, making him feel unworthy, unwanted, despicable. He heard it whispering about hurting Yuchan, threatening to break the younger. He tried to tune the voice out, hands pressed tightly on his ears, head shaking from left to right, right to left, only for it to grow louder, prominent, real. He felt tremor run through his body, jolting his entire being from head to toe. He tried to convince himself that it was only part of his imagination, only his fears shaping themselves in the darkness surrounding him. He tried to convince himself that Yuchan was safe and fine, that no matter how much the voice threatened him no harm would reach the younger. He tried to convince himself that it was only his thoughts playing tricks on him. It was not the first time he was hearing the mocking voice, it wasn’t the first time it had visited him and it certainly wasn’t the last. It followed him everywhere, no matter where he went, where he hide himself. It was the darkest part of his shadow, darkest part of the empty, cold night. He demanded the voice to stop, in vain, he screamed at the voice to stop, meaningless, he cried at the voice to stop, it didn’t, he begged the voice to stop, but it only grew louder. Sehyoon tried to bear it, tune it out, scream louder than the voice kept screaming at him. All in vain, all for his pleas to fade into nothingness. The voice knew him, it knew him too well. It knew his biggest, darkest fears and weaknesses. It knew Sehyoon better than he knew himself. He heard it quiet down for a second, give him a chance to catch his breath. Only to find himself gasping for air, when the voice started to boom again, overpowering everything, including him. He felt himself suffocating. The voice laughed before certain, painfully familiar name slipped from its lips, the name it had never uttered before, the name Sehyoon kept dear to him, the name the voice wasn’t supposed to know. _Byeongkwan._ He found himself frozen in shock, in unbearable waves of pain. It wasn’t supposed to be like this, end like this. The hopes that hadn’t even started to bloom in him were not supposed to be shattered like this. Not by this voice, not by his uncle.

He found himself scrambling down on the slippery floor, running away from the voice, from the darkness, from the emptiness and coldness of his room. He didn’t know where to run, where to hide, he just needed to get away from the maddening, despicable voice of his uncle, the voice that had been hunting him since he was twelve. He found himself knocking on the black wooden door, his body had unconsciously carried him to it and before he could manage to register where he was, whose door he was banging onto so desperately, the door was yanked wide open, revealing Byeongkwan who looked panicked and disorientated.

“Sehyoon what ha..” Byeongkwan started, but Sehyoon didn’t hear a word. He found himself crashing hard against Byeongkwan’s chest, causing the other male to stumble back. His actions caught Byeongkwan off guard, his sleep disturbed mind struggled to process what was happening. But it didn’t take him long to recover from the sudden wave of shock. It didn’t took him long to wrap his arms gently around Sehyoon’s shaking shoulders, pulling him close, trying to soothe him.

“Chsshhshh, it’s okay, Sehyoon. It’s all okay now.” Byeongkwan whispered to him, gently rubbing comforting circles on Sehyoon’s back. “It’s all okay now.” He kept whispering until Sehyoon’s cries died down, until shuddering of his body ceased. “It’s all okay now. You are safe with me.”

The voice in Sehyoon’s head kept screaming, laughing, mocking him, but Byeongkwan’s whispers tuned it out, drove it away until there was nothing, but emptiness left, until he felt nothing but Byeongkwan’s arms securely wrapped around him, shielding him from the entire universe.

 

**Chapter Forty-Two**

 

Yuchan woke up drenched in cold sweat. It was in the middle of the night. Donghun and Junhee were fast asleep next to him, their hands wrapped around Yuchan, legs tangled with his. He tried to stifle his cries, bit his lips down, but it got too unbearable to hold them in. Loud cry of pain escaped his lips suddenly, desperate call for his mother hung in the thickening atmosphere above them. Tears found their way on his cheeks, flowing down like an angry waterfall ready to destroy everything it run through. The other two males beside him immediately jolted up from their deep slumbers at the sound of his loud, heartbreaking cries.

“Channie baby.” He heard Donghun whisper to him, turning on the lamp on the bedside table. “Baby, what happened?” Donghun’s gentle hands cupped his face, wiping his tears away with his thumbs. “Why, love, what happened?” Donghun pulled him in a hug, pressed kisses on his head. He clutched onto the older male with so much desperation, he thought he could break him with his hold. “It’s okay, baby, it’s okay.” Donghun pressed him as close against his chest as it was physically possible, whispering soothing words in his ears. He felt another pair of gentle arms wrap around his body, pulling both him and Donghun in an embrace. He felt Junhee’s lips on the nape of his neck, two tender voices trying to comfort him.

It took him so long to calm down, his hiccups to die down. His heart was wrenching in so much pain, but two pair of arms made his aching endurable. Donghun shifted their bodies in a more comfortable position, him sitting against the headboard, both Yuchan and Junhee leaning against him. He felt safe. Both, Donghun and Junhee made him feel safe. The home Yuchan had been looking for so long and finally had found was two pair of arms and his new, true home wasn’t only made for living, it was made for safety, happiness and warmness.

Junhee reached over and gently pushed sweaty, sticky hair out of his face, giving him a warm smile. Yuchan felt his world coming back together again, falling in peace. When Donghun and Junhee were beside him everything suddenly started to make sense, everything felt at ease. He felt like he could overcome everything if Donghun and Junhee were with him, holding his hands.

“Do you want to tell us what happened?” Donghun asked him, pressing his lips on Yuchan’s head. He wanted to tell them. Everything always felt easier when he told them how he truly felt. He nodded and received encouraging, warm smiles from the both males.

“Don’t rush. Take as much time as you need.” Donghun told him, pulling him closer to his chest. Yuchan took few deep breaths, tried to gather his thoughts and turn them into words. It wasn’t easy, but he had to tell them. He wanted to tell them.

“They.. They died again. Mom and dad. Sometimes they keep dying in my dreams again and again.. An.. And.. “ Yuchan trailed off, both Donghun and Junhee rubbed his arms in encouragement. “And sometimes.. Sometimes they take Se.. Sehyoon with them.. Sometimes I.. I am left all.. All alone with my.. My uncle.” He managed and felt tears stinging in his eyes again, but he held them in. He had to tell them. “They.. They died when I.. I was 8 and Sehyoon.. He was with them.. and he.. He also almost.. He..” He choked out and Donghun tightened his hold around his shoulders, whispering it’s okay in his ear. “Then he came.. Un.. Uncle. I thought we would.. would be better but then.. then I noticed Sehyoon starting to behave differently. Weirdly. So unlike of.. of himself. I was.. I was 13 when I first saw it. Uncle hurting Sehyoon. I got.. I got scared and run away. I didn’t help him.. I didn’t do anything to help him.” He could no longer hold his tears. They trailed down on his cheeks and this time Donghun and Junhee didn’t try to wipe them away. They let him cry, cry until his heart felt at ease, until there was no hurt and pain left in his chest. “Few.. Few years later Se.. Sehyoon left.. I don’t know how.. One day he was gone and I.. I was left all.. All alone. I only received letters from him.. Only apologies.. It was full of apologies for leaving me behind, alone. But.. But I knew why he left.. I realized it too.. too late. Too late when he.. When uncle started to.. to do the same to me.” He stopped to take a deep breath, his thoughts started to turn into a jambled mess, but he tried to put them back in order again. He had to skip some parts. He wasn’t ready to say them. But he would tell Donghun and Junhee one day when he was ready, when he had more courage and strength. “Not too long ago Sehyoon came.. He came back for me and we.. We run away from.. From the uncle and found you on the way.” Yuchan released a shaky breath, leaned his head against Donghun’s chest. It felt easier when his burdens were spoken out, when they were shared with people who cared about him and his happiness.

“Thank you for telling us, Channie.” Donghun told him and Yuchan heard sincerity in his voice. He was being truly thankful. “You are so brave.” The older male added, kissing him gently. “Both you and Sehyoon are so strong and brave.”

“Can I ask you one more thing, Channie?” Junhee asked as he took Yuchan’s hand in his, giving it a gentle squeeze. Yuchan nodded. He would try his best to give Junhee an answer to his question.

“Why did you stop singing?” Junhee asked, he looked cautious and worried.

“Be.. Because uncle..” Yuchan started, but trailed off, trying to piece his words together. “He hated it. He.. He always hit.. He would hit me if he.. He caught me singing.” He could still remember it as if it had happened yersterday. He could no longer sing if he wasn't alone, if he wasn't sure his uncle wasn't somewhere near to hurt him, hit him again.

“He will never be able to hurt you, we promise, sunshine.” Junhee promised him and he knew they would never break their promise. They never did. They kept all the promises they had made to him and they wouldn’t start breaking them now.

Few minutes later tensed atmosphere around them started to dissolve. Warmness made itself comfortable inside the room. Yuchan laid between Donghun and Junhee, both males gazing at him with love and adoration in their eyes. He was sure the same emotions were visible in his own eyes. They let the comfortable silence overcome them, lull them back to sleep, back to their own dreamlands. But Yuchan suddenly sat up when sudden realization hit him, causing the duo to mimic his actions.

“Is everything alright, Channie?” Junhee asked. He sounded worried. Yuchan nodded, turning to him with a smile on his face.

“It’s Sehyoon’s birthday in two days.” He told them with so much enthusiasm, causing Junhee to burst into a nervous laughter.

“You scared me.” He pinched younger on the cheek, looking relieved.

“How do you think we should celebrate it?” Donghun asked, gently laying his both lovers back down on the bed.

“I.. I’m not sure.” Yuchan said, his enthusiasm disappearing as fast as it came. Sehyoon didn’t like to celebrate his birthday and he could understand the reason behind it.

“It’s okay. We will think of something good.” Junhee reassured him, squeezing him in a hug. He knew Junhee would think of something good, he always did. He would think of something so good that would make Sehyoon fall back in love with celebrating his birthdays. He could trust blindly to Junhee.

“Sleep now, loves.” Donghun told them and comfortable silence started to spread out inside the room once again, wrapping them in hazy blankets of unconsciousness. Yuchan fell asleep, undisturbed, dreaming of beautiful things for the remaining night.

 

**Chapter Forty-Three**

 

Byeongkwan stared at the sleeping male on his bed from where he sat on the chair. Sehyoon looked peaceful and at ease now, complete opposite of how he had looked when Byeongkwan had opened his door for him. He had never seen someone look so terrified and frightened. His heart almost had given up on beating when his eyes landed on the shivering Sehyoon standing outside of his room, looking ghostly and petrified. Sehyoon had cried himself to sleep in Byeongkwan’s arms. It had taken him hours to calm down the other male. Sehyoon didn’t tell him the reason of what had put him in such state, but it must had been something so terrifying, something so hard to endure, even the slightest thought of it made Byeongkwan’s stomach churn in discomfort. However, he wanted Sehyoon to tell him, so he could share the other male’s burden and terror, comforted him better, with the right words. He had felt relieved when Sehyoon’s cries had finally died down and the other male had started to fell in a deep slumber. He wished so hard, so desperately, Sehyoon would find his peacefulness some day. He wished he would be able to help Sehyoon find his peacefulness one day. His heart kept breaking at the sight. His body kept filling with so much anger. How he wished he could find Sehyoon’s uncle and hurt him as much as he had hurt Sehyoon, break him until he had no ability of hurting others left. He wanted to get up from the chair and lay down beside the other man, but he wouldn’t. Sehyoon needed his space to heal, to feel safe and he couldn’t intervene in it without an invitation. He would wait until Sehyoon was no longer afraid of Byeongkwan lying next to him, until he trusted him enough to let Byeongkwan hold him dear while he slept.

 


	13. Chapter 13

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi there.  
> I hope you will enjoy reading this chapter.  
> (I apologize for all the mistakes).

 

**Chapter Forty-Four**

 

Sehyoon blinked his eyes open and felt terror running through his entire body. The last night events came crashing against him all at once, at insane strength and pace. He found himself gasping for air. Every detail of what he had gone through yesterday night flashed in front of his eyes, reminding him of the things he had run away from, reminding him of the man he had run to for help, the arms he had fallen asleep in. He sat up immediately at the thought of the other man, eyes searching for Byeongkwan. They found the subject of their interest instantly. Byeongkwan was curled up on the single chair near the window, head lolling to the side, sleeping peacefully, without any care in the world. Sehyoon felt his heart wrenching at the sight. He felt guilt taking over him. He had slept on Byeongkwan’s bed, while the other male had to sleep on the uncomfortable chair beside the window. He felt sudden rush of gratefulness filling in broken parts of his heart. Byeongkwan had stayed away from him, he hadn’t used Sehyoon’s state of weakness to his advantage. He felt unfamiliar feeling of warmth spreading through his entire body. He found himself walking closer to the soundlessly sleeping male, with careful steps, trying to not wake him up. Byeongkwan looked small and vulnerable, complete opposite of the man who had kept Sehyoon whole with his firm hold yesterday night. He found himself reaching out and gently caressing Byeongkwan’s cheek with his trembling fingers, his knuckles ghosting over Byeongkwan’s soft, unblemished skin. He looked delicate and fragile, peaceful and serene and Sehyoon felt strange, unfamiliar feeling spreading through him. It felt uncomfortable and nice at the same time. Byeongkwan’s eyes slowly fluttered open and Sehyoon immediately snatched his hand back, took a step away from the now conscious male. Byeongkwan smiled when his eyes landed on him, when their eyes locked for less than a second.

“Sehyoon.” Byeongkwan whispered with a dreamy smile on his face. He felt like he was still dreaming. He had felt Sehyoon’s fingers gently caressing his face and he wasn’t sure if it was possible for such a thing to be part of his reality. It couldn't be real for now, but maybe in the future it could be. However, he was sure, he was confident he had felt it - warm, gentle, real. He quietly stared at the man standing just a step away from him for some time before his mind caught up with the events that had taken place yesterday night. He felt uncomfortable churning coming back in his stomach, but tried to ignore it. “Do you feel better?” He asked, getting up from the chair to stretch. His bones made a cracking sound, back aching in discomfort. However, He couldn’t complain, he wouldn’t complain because this small ache in his bones could bring him so much happiness. Sehyoon nodded before walking back to the bed. “Do you need anything?” Byeongkwan asked and received a slight shake in response. “Anything I can do for you?”

“No.” Sehyoon spoke for the first time, his voice sounded small and broken. “No. You have already done more than enough for me.” Sehyoon whispered quietly. Byeongkwan almost missed his words. He walked over to where Sehyoon sat and sat down beside him.

“I want to give you what you truly deserve Sehyoon.” He told the other male, laying his hand open in a small free space between them, inviting Sehyoon to hold it. Sehyoon stared at his hand, contemplating what to do, if he wanted to hold his hand or slap it away. Byeongkwan could see the fierce battle between his heart and mind in Sehyoon’s dark eyes and he waited for the outcome with held breath. “I want to give you the entire universe.” He whispered just as Sehyoon’s trembling hand slipped inside his. It wasn’t a firm hold. Their fingers barely ghosted each other, giving out comfort and warmness.

“I don’t need the entire universe, Byeongkwan.” Sehyoon told him in a whisper and Byeongkwan felt shivers running through his whole being at the unspoken words that hung in the thickening air between them. He wondered if it was just his imagination, his wishful thinking or Sehyoon had really intended to put the second meaning behind them, the meaning that left Byeongkwan shivering, drowning in the warmness they carried. He wished it was true, he wished he could be truly enough for Sehyoon’s happiness, for Sehyoon’s dreams and hopes. He wished he could be, he wished Sehyoon would let him be. He kept wishing for it silently and felt Sehyoon’s fingers intertwining with his, tightening his hold around them. His heart trembled. He wished for this moment to never end, to keep existing, even when they moved on, carried on with life, he wished this moment could remain frozen somewhere in time, in some other universe. Only him and Sehyoon and unspoken words that held so much meaning in them.

 

**Chapter Forty-Five**

 

“Sehyoon? Sehyoon!” Sehyoon yanked his hotel room door open only to be greeted by the sight of his younger brother’s beaming smile. Yuchan looked giddy, skipping from leg to leg, fireworks were going off in his eyes. Sehyoon found himself smiling at the sight. Yuchan gave him a crashing hug before dragging him back inside the room. “Did you have a good night?” Yuchan asked when they were sitting on the bed, side by side. Sehyoon gave him a nod. He had a good night despite all the terror his thoughts had caused him, he was feeling peaceful, his mind had almost forgotten about the voice screaming at him from the darkness.

“Did you?” He asked and the younger nodded eagerly. The aura around Yuchan felt completely different. It was too bright, too carefree, so full of happiness and life. It felt overpowering, but calming. Sehyoon found himself wrapped inside the warmness younger radiated.

“I did.” Yuchan’s voice suddenly turned quiet, soft. “I told them more. I.. I showed them my bruises, Sehyoon and it didn’t change anything. It didn’t make them love me less. I.. I felt like the opposite happened. Like.. Like they fell in love with me over again, but now loving me whole, without secrets and hidden sides.” Sehyoon pressed younger to his side and placed a kiss on his head. He felt relieved. He was relieved Yuchan’s braveness and courage had resulted into something good, something beautiful for the younger. “It didn’t change anything at all, Sehyoon. It didn’t change the way they act around me, talk to me, hold my hands. It felt so good to tell them everything, it felt so soothing, so comforting, so good. I felt fearless, Sehyoon. I feel like I had finally ben sat free.” Yuchan said and Sehyoon could feel his words, he could feel it in the way Yuchan talked, expressed himself, from the way his eyes sparkled, his face broke into an easy, wild smile. He wished he could be as brave and as strong as the younger. He wished he could have just as much courage.

“I.. I’m glad, Channie.” Sehyoon said and he was. His words were sincere and Yuchan could hear it. “I also.. I want to show you something. I.. But later.. I still need so.. Some time.” He needed time to put his thoughts in order, to find the right words to explain himself, to gather enough courage to expose his cigarette burn adorned arms to the younger.

“Don’t rush, Sehyoon. Take as much time as you need.” Yuchan squeezed his older brother in a hug, telling him the same words Donghun had said to him. It had given him so much strength, so much courage and he wanted to give some of his braveness to the elder.

“Thank you, Channie.” Sehyoon told him and they sat in silence for quite some time before younger wiggled out of Sehyoon’s arms and grinned up at him.

“We should go. We are going on food tour today.” Yuchan announced to him in so much enthusiasm and excitement, sehyoon couldn’t help but smile. Few minutes later he was being dragged outside of their hotel room by cheering and giggling younger and Sehyoon let himself be dragged away, he let the small smile remain on his face for a while.

 

*******

 

The car was full of cheerful chatter. Everyone seemed to be on a good mood. Maybe it was because of the promise of delicious food or maybe everything just felt at ease for them. Junhee’s and Yuchan’s laughter filled the car and for the first time, Byeongkwan didn’t complain about it. Instead, he found it pleasant to listen. He found himself joining in with their endless banter, enjoying the silly jokes exchanged between them. Sehyoon sat on the passenger seat quietly, head leaned against the window. He looked peaceful. Byeongkwan felt at ease every time his gaze landed on the other man. Sehyoon was staring outside, but for the first time Byeongkwan felt that he wasn't absent from the car, from them. He was actually trying to pay attention to what they were saying. He caught small smiles appearing on Sehyoon’s lips from time to time. Sehyoon kept quiet, mostly to himself, but he was a silent participant of their conversations. Both, Sehyoon and Donghun simply listened and observed instead of engaging in their playful exchanges and he felt his heart falling at ease, in peace at the sight of gentle smiles gracing their lips. It was beautiful to look at. He found it endearing. Everything was starting to come together, fall in peace and he believed that this was just a beginning of the greatest adventure. The most beautiful, precious wonders of the universe were starting to reveal themselves to him and Byeongkwan found himself falling in love with them.

 

*******

 

The day passed quickly, quicker than any of them wanted it to end. It was spent in peace, in good amount of laughter. They had enjoyed roaming around the old food market for the entire day, tasting and devouring everything that caught their eyes. Byeongkwan couldn’t remember the last time he had laughed so much, so hard, so loudly. Junhee’s and Yuchan’s loud, cheerful laughter brought so much joy to everyone and they couldn’t help but laugh along, joke around with them. He felt like they were all having the greatest day they have had so far since they had started the trip. And what made his day more joyful was Sehyoon’s quiet laugh and small smiles that would grace the other man’s lips from time to time. Sehyoon had trailed close to him. Their hands kept brushing against each other through the entire day and Byeongkwan felt shivers running through his body at every touch. He wished such days could last forever, for the rest of their lives – full of laughter, full of joy and life.

 

**Chapter Forty-Six**

 

“Sehyoon.” Yuchan’s hushed whisper pulled Sehyoon out of his light slumber. His eyes blinked wide open. Yuchan was hovering over him on the bed, smiling down at him. 

“Wh.. What is it, Channie?” Sehyoon felt his heart being stuck in his throat as he waited for younger’s answer.

“Come with me.” Yuchan told him and tagged on his arm to pull him out of the bed. Sehyoon blinked at him in confusion. It was middle of the night.

“Did something happen?” Sehyoon asked in a trembling voice. Yuchan just gave him a smile, his eyes glinted at Sehyoon mischievously. He let younger lead him out of their hotel room. He didn’t know what Yuchan’s intentions were, but younger would never do something harmful to him, so he let himself fully trust Yuchan and trailed behind him silently. Yuchan led him out of the hotel and inside the parking lot. Sehyoon felt his confusion reaching its peak, he felt slight trembling in his legs. _Did Yuchan plan to take Byeongkwan’s car and run away?_ He couldn’t understand what his brother was planning to do here and it scared him. “Ch.. Channie.” He stuttered out just as younger came to a halt, a step away from Byeongkwan’s car. The parking lot was dimly lit and there was no single living soul out there beside them.

“Sehyoon.” Yuchan turned to him, wide grin plastered on his face. “Happy birthday!” Yuchan shouted in excitement and before Sehyoon could register he was surrounded by the screaming, cheering and singing mess of best friends, throwing confetti over his head, blowing party horns and carrying a candle lit cake.

“Happy birthday, Sehyoon.” Byeongkwan sang song as he stepped in front of him with huge birthday cake in his hands. “Make a wish.” He added and Sehyoon stared at him in confusion, looking lost, mouth agape.

“C’mon Sehyoon, hurry up.” Yuchan nudged him, chirping in excitement. Younger was bouncing up and down on his heels. Sehyoon felt birthday party hat being placed on his head. His hands reached up to it. Junhee flashed him a wide smile, gesturing him to the cake. Sehyoon didn’t know what to wish for. He hadn’t celebrated his birthday in ages. He didn’t even remember it was already his birthday. The first thing that came in his mind was happiness, so he wished for it - happiness for Yuchan, for Byeongkwan, for Donghun and Junhee and for himself. He wished they all could be happy.

He leaned forward and blew off the candles, causing everyone to cheer loudly. Yuchan embraced him in a tight hug, kissing his cheek, wishing him a happy birthday once again. Junhee and Donghun gave him warm smiles and wished him all the best. Byeongkwan simply gazed at him over their shoulders and his silent gaze meant more than any words could say. Sehyoon could understand him wordlessly.

Few seconds later they were crowded around the front of Byeongkwan’s car, cake placed in the middle. Everyone placed different, colorfully wrapped presents in Sehyoon’s arms, while Donghun cut the cake. Sehyoon stood in confusion, while everyone chattered merrily around him. Yuchan must have told them about his birthday. They must have thought about it beforehand. He felt warmness spreading inside him. He hated celebrating his birthdays, he had hated the day he was born for so long, but today it felt slightly different, maybe because it was spent with the right people, maybe because he was surrounded by them, by the people who actually cared about him and his happiness. He felt grateful of them. He wished he knew how to express it, let them know he was thankful of their actions. But he was also sure he didn’t need to say it, he felt like they already knew how grateful Sehyoon felt of them.

An hour later, after they had cleaned up the mess they had made and Yuchan had given thousand hugs to Sehyoon, Donghun led his chattery lovers back to the hotel, leaving Sehyoon and Byeongkwan on their own. They stood silently, side by side, for a few minutes before Byeongkwan decided to break the silence.

“Do you want to take a walk?” He asked. He sounded hopeful. Sehyoon wasn’t sure if he wanted to take a walk with Byeongkwan or lock himself up in his room and hide away. He found himself nodding and trailed beside Byeongkwan who led the way.

They walked around the hotel, aimlessly. None of them said anything until they found a lonely bench few meters away behind their hotel. Sehyoon hesitantly set down next to the other male. He felt his hands trembling.

“Did they told you?” He asked. He wanted to ask him this question since the moment Yuchan told him he had told about their past to Byeongkwan's best friends. He didn't specify, but he was sure Byeongkwan knew what he was asking about. He waited for the other male’s answer with held breath.

“They did. But I have known it longer than them.” Byeongkwan told him, voice gentle. Sehyoon was sure Byeongkwan could hear his heart pounding madly against his chest.

 “Are.. Are you disgusted?” He found himself asking, afraid of learning the answer. Byeongkwan laughed at his question. It sounded bitter.

 “By what, your uncle? Yes. By him hurting you? Yes. By you? No and I will never be.” Byeongkwan told him. He reached for Sehyoon’s hand. He let him take it. Byeongkwan grasped it tightly with his fingers. It made him uncomfortable, but he would endure it. He could endure it. He had to ask questions. He wanted to be as brave as Yuchan. He needed to be as brave as the younger male.

“Wi.. Will you not be even if.. If I said that he.. He di.. did more than hitting? That.. That he fo.. forced him.. himself on me? On us? Will.. Will you not be?” Sehyoon asked, voice broken. Byeongkwan could hear unshed tears and silent pleas in the other man’s voice. He wanted to tighten his hold around Sehyoon’s hand, but he didn’t, because he was already grasping it tightly enough and he didn’t need to bruise Sehyoon’s delicate hands. He reached for the other’s cheek with his free hand, knuckles gently caressing it.

“By you? Never. By your uncle? Yes.” Byeongkwan’s answer was the same. It would always be the same. It would never change. Sehyoon was anything, but disgusting. He was beautiful, kind, lovely, but lonely and broken. He could never be disgusting. He would always be the same breathtaking, beautiful man who had captivated Byeongkwan’s heart. “I have already told you this, Sehyoon and I will keep telling you all over again until you believe it yourself. You aren’t your past, you aren't the things that have happened to you. You are so much more, you are more than those things. You are beautiful and dear and it’s not your fault some people are ugly enough, heartless enough, cruel enough to hurt beautiful people like you, people like you who were made to be loved and cherished.” Byeongkwan gently brushed Sehyoon’s hair away from his face, leaning in. His heart was about to rip itself out of his chest. Sehyoon felt his breath caught. He felt terror running through his entire being. He felt panic taking over his jumbled mind. He was afraid of Byeongkwan, but he no longer wanted to be afraid of the other male. So he closed his eyes and welcomed Byeongkwan’s touch. Their lips ghosted over each other, sending shivers down their spines. It lasted for a second - soft, gentle, burning. Sehyoon felt his fingernails digging in his own flesh, but he held his wince back. He would enjoy this moment, delicate touch of Byeongkwan's lips.

It was pure and innocent, full of unspoken words and unexpressed emotions. The touch set them both ablaze, but they were not afraid to burn.

 


	14. Chapter 14

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi there.  
> Here goes the new chapter. Hope you will like it.  
> Do you guys remember Donghun suggesting us a movie called "If cats disappeared from the world" and have you seen it? If you have, maybe you will understand better why I decided to include it and not some other movie.  
> Also, thank you so much for giving this story so much support. It means a lot. You all are so sweet and nice and it makes me want to get to know each of you personally. But I wish it was that easy and I could actually talk to people like another normal human being would do. but maybe some day I will get as much courage as Sehyoon gets in this chapter and try to make friends with fellow Choice. (^^-^^)  
> I didn't get to fix mistakes as usual, so I apologize for them.  
> Enjoy reading this chapter.

 

**Chapter Forty-Seven**

 

Sehyoon carefully slipped inside his hotel room. There was a small, content smile resting on his face. He sat down on the bed. Yuchan was sleeping peacefully, curled up on the other side. Sehyoon’s eyes roamed around the quiet room before resting on the neatly folded presents on his bedside table. He reached for them and took the one Byeongkwan had given to him with trembling hands. He took his time carefully unwrapping the present only to find a beautiful, lilac blue sketchbook lying inside. Sehyoon felt sudden rush of warmth filling him. He opened the sketchbook. There was a small note placed inside.

_“For the new beginnings._

_Byeongkwan.”_

Sehyoon felt unfamiliar, strange fluttering of butterflies inside him. He found himself unconsciously smiling down at the note in his hands. He felt happy.

 

**Chapter Forty-Eight**

 

The next day started in a good mood. Everyone, once again, wished Sehyoon a happy birthday when they gathered in front of Byeongkwan’s car. He gave them small, thankful smiles in return. His eyes met with Byeongkwan’s for a second and the other man showed him a gentle, meaningful smile, causing Sehyoon to turn his face away, hiding a slight blush that started to appear on his face. He felt all warm and fuzzy inside. It was making him uncomfortable and gratified at the same time. He didn’t know he could ever feel such things, but Byeongkwan was making him feel them. He was stirring so many different, pleasant emotions inside him. It made him uncomfortable, because it felt strange and unfamiliar and it would take him weeks, maybe months or even years, to get used to them, but he would try. He wasn’t afraid of Byeongkwan. Not anymore. He would try to fight for him. He wanted to fight for him.

 

*******

 

Byeongkwan kept stealing glances from Sehyoon who was curled up on the passenger seat, drawing something in his new sketchbook, the one Byeongkwan had given him, the one that was supposed to mark the new beginnings in Sehyoon’s life. It made Byeongkwan feel happy and giddy. This side of Sehyoon was driving him insane, was setting his entire being in fire and he found himself loving it. He kept stealing glances from Sehyoon, catching small, hidden smiles gracing his lips. It was endearing. Byeongkwan found himself wanting to spend his entire life with this Sehyoon. Sehyoon who was happy, peaceful, shy, untroubled and no longer terrified of him, of having hopes and dreams. He found himself wanting Sehyoon to be his forever, however long it lasted, however long it meant.

 

*******

 

They came across small, tree covered, green hills along the road and stopped near them for lunch to get some fresh air and rest in nature. There was no one except them. It was peaceful and refreshing. Sehyoon found a shadow under one of the trees and sat down under it. He watched with a small smile on his face as Yuchan played some unfamiliar, childish game with the other three – running, laughing, shouting, kicking around. It was beautiful, happy sight to look at. Sometime later Byeongkwan parted away from the others and made his way over to him. There was a soft smile playing on his lips. Sehyoon found himself strangely nervous, but ignored the feeling.

“Hey.” Byeongkwan greeted him as he sat down on the grass beside him.

“Hi.” He greeted back. Their conversations couldn’t start without this small exchange.

“How are you?” Byeongkwan asked as he rested his back against the tree trunk.

“I.. I’m.. I'm fine.” Sehyoon told him, gaze fixed on the ground. _I’m fine_. Byeongkwan reached out to the other’s face and gently turned his head toward him. Their eyes met. Byeongkwan could see the truth in them. Sehyoon wasn’t lying. For the first time they had met he was answering this question honestly. _He was fine_. Byeongkwan’s heart fluttered. His fingers trailed from Sehyoon’s chin to his cheek, leaving tender touches along the way. He noticed natural, beautiful pink dusting Sehyoon’s cheeks. The sight made him feel dizzy. Sehyoon was lovely. He was so lovely Byeongkwan was sure spring would feel ashamed of coming. He was so effortlessly beautiful like spring time. Byeongkwan found him to be lovelier than any blooming flower in spring.

“I’m glad.” He found himself whispering, showing gentle smile to the other. His heart felt faint when Sehyoon smiled back – small, but genuine. It was the most beautiful smile Byeongkwan has ever seen, would ever see - true, honest, real. To Byeongkwan, Sehyoon’s smile was the most beautiful wonder of the universe. It held so much within. To Byeongkwan, Sehyoon made it possible to find all the secrets of the universe in someone’s smile. In Sehyoon’s smile, who was beautiful and genuine. He wished for this moment to last forever. He wished for every second spend with Sehyoon to remain, to keep existing, to be never forgotten. He wondered if Sehyoon felt the same. If Sehyoon wished for the same. And he instantly got his answer when Sehyoon’s hand reached up to his and the other male held it gently with his trembling fingers. Sehyoon placed their intertwining hands on his lap, eyes focused far ahead, small smile gracing his lips.

“What did you draw today?” Byeongkwan asked sometime later. He was curious of knowing what Sehyoon considered as his new beginning, worth of bringing to life, for it to remain frozen in time forever.

“Do you want to see it?” Sehyoon asked and Byeongkwan nodded hurriedly. Of course, he wanted to see. He wanted to see every part of Sehyoon’s soul the other male had brought to life. Sehyoon let go of his hand and Byeongkwan felt sudden rush of emptiness running through him. He loved the feeling of Sehyoon’s fingers against his. They brought him a feeling he couldn’t explain in words, he had never felt before holding Sehyoon's hand for the first time. It made him feel like he had been missing some part of his soul all along and Sehyoon’s touch completed him.

It took Sehyoon few seconds to place his new sketchbook on Byeongkwan’s lap, leaning closer to the other male. Byeongkwan opened it gently, careful to not cause any damage. His breath caught instantly when his eyes landed on the very first drawing made by Sehyoon. It was hard to explain, describe, put in words. There were so many things happening in the drawing staring back at him. There was a man curled up in the corner, hiding his face in his knees. His eyes slipped from him to another figure, standing in front of the curled up man, shielding him from the darkness, from the giant, agape mouth that unleashed monsters from the bottomless abyss. Looking at it felt slightly disturbing. But Byeongkwan could understand the drawing, everything Sehyoon had put inside it. His mind immediately connected the drawing to the night Sehyoon had come running to him for help – looking ghostly and petrified. This was the night everything had changed for Sehyoon, for them, between them. This was the night Sehyoon had decided to be brave. This was the night Byeongkwan had proved his honesty to Sehyoon. This was the night Sehyoon had decided to trust him. The night which had convinced Sehyoon that byeongkwan was ready to protect him, wanted to protect him. Byeongkwan would shield him from anyone and anything.

He felt Sehyoon’s curious, cautious eyes observing him, trying to read his reaction, understand what he was thinking. He closed the sketchbook and locked eyes with him. Byeongkwan didn’t say anything, he didn’t have to, he simply took Sehyoon’s hand in his and squeezed it. He knew sehyoon would understand. He knew Sehyoon could understand him wordlessly. Sometimes words were not needed, sometimes words were not enough. Sometimes all they had to do was take someone’s hand and hold it, hold it until every emotion in them had become the person’s they were holding hands with. Sometimes the most precious moments in life were unspoken, felt and shared in silence that contained more meaning than any words could ever carry.

Sehyoon laid his head on Byeongkwan’s shoulder, catching the other man in pleasant surprise. It felt feathery. Byeongkwan wondered if he was daydreaming. It felt so unreal, but so real. He felt his heart being set ablaze. It was burning in the flames of happiness only Sehyoon could bring him.

Sehyoon trusted him. Byeongkwan found two of the most precious mysteries of the universe in a day, in the same male. He was coming to believe that sometimes the most treasured, biggest secrets of the universe were people, people like Sehyoon – broken, but still so etherealy beautiful and caring and Byeongkwan was lucky enough, fortunate enough to stumble across it. He would protect this certain secret of the universe from anyone, from anything, with all his might. This secret of the universe laid safe with him. It could trust Byeongkwan with Sehyoon. He would care for him.

 

**Chapter Forty-Nine**

 

“Sehyoon!” Yuchan slammed the door of their hotel room open, jolting Sehyoon out of his trace. He turned his head around to look at the grinning younger. Yuchan was starting to develop a habit of running inside the room, screaming his name, causing Sehyoon’s skin to crawl in horror.

“What is it, Channie?” He asked, sliding down from the window sill.

“We are going to watch a movie.” Yuchan said, eyes twinkling. “I came to get you.”

“M.. me?” Sehyoon stuttered out. Yuchan laughed at him.

“Yeah silly, you.” He gently slapped Sehyoon on the shoulder. “Byeongkwan is there already. Let’s go.” Before Sehyoon could say anything back he was dragged out of his hotel room by his younger brother. Yuchan was developing another habit of dragging Sehyoon around with him, involving him in his childish tricks.

Byeongkwan was already here. He was sitting on the floor, back leaned against the bed. He smiled gently when their eyes met. Sehyoon found himself lowering his head.

“Sit here, Sehyoon.” Byeongkwan told him as he patted the free space beside him. Yuchan immediately made his way to the duo and squished himself comfortably between them. Sehyoon suddenly felt shy and uncomfortable, but still forced himself to sit down beside the other male, causing Byeongkwan’s smile to grow wider. “Hey.” Byeongkwan whispered to him.

“Hi.” He whispered back.

“We are watching 'If cats disappeared from the world'.” Junhee announced as he pressed the play button. Everyone felt in comfortable silence, fully directing their attention on the screen.

It was a beautiful, deep, meaningful movie to say. Small parts of life scattered around in every scene. It was such kind of a movie that kept everyone quiet, made them only concentrate on it, trying not to miss a word, a gesture, a scene. Sehyoon found himself feeling the movie. He felt slight ache in his chest. He heard quiet, soft sobbing coming from the trio beside him. It didn’t take long for his own tears to find their way on his cheeks. He hurriedly wiped them away with his sleeve and when he placed his hand back down on the floor between Byeongkwan and him, he felt the other male’s fingers brushing against his, asking silently for a permission to hold it. He slipped his hand in Byeongkwan’s and risked stealing a glance from him. Byeongkwan had his eyes fixed on the screen. There was a small, almost unnoticeable smile resting on his lips. They watched the remaining movie holding hands, in secret, hidden from even their best friends' eyes, safely, known and shared only among themselves. Just how every precious moment should be. 

When the movie ended and the screen went blank silence englufed everything. Yuchan was already sleeping soundlessly, head resting on Donghun’s chest, who was still in tears. Junhee was gently wiping them away from his face, comforting him quietly.

“Do you want to go for a walk?” Byeongkwan asked in a hushed voice when Sehyoon’s eyes turned on him, careful to not disturb the silence. Sehyoon found himself nodding and few seconds later they were out of the room, walking down on the hallway.

None of them said anything, still deep in thoughts, thinking about the movie, about the small lessons one could learn from it, one could find himself reflected in. The silence felt comfortable. It was nice. They needed time to think, to process everything happening lately. Sehyoon’s fingers brushed against Byeongkwan’s. This time he was the one asking for a permission silently. Byeongkwan held his hand tightly and pulled him closer.

The night was quiet, starry sky looking down on them. Sehyoon found usual strange, uncomfortable feeling starting to cease in his chest, slowly, quietly, seeping out of the shattered parts of his heart, of his being. Holding hands with Byeongkwan, being close to him suddenly felt so painfully familiar, as if he had been missing the other man’s presence his entire life and he had finally found it. He had finally found someone who could close and heal decaying cracks inside him.

“Are you still afraid?” Byeongkwan asked and waited for Sehyoon’s answer with held breath.

“I am.” Sehyoon said and Byeongkwan felt his heart wrench in pain. “But I am not going to let it control me anymore.” Sehyoon added a second later, causing unpleasant wrenching of Byeongkwan’s heart to disappear right away, just as fast as it came. Byeongkwan found himself smiling. Sehyoon was so strong, so brave.

“Because you have me?” The words slipped out of his mouth before he could register what he was saying. He felt panic rushing through his entire body. He opened his mouth to apologize, but Sehyoon’s words caused his voice to die down in his throat before he could utter anything.

“Yes, Byeongkwan. Because I have you.” Sehyoon told him, giving him a genuine, breathtaking smile. Byeongkwan felt his knees wobble. He didn’t expect Sehyoon's answer to be this. He didn’t expect Sehyoon to be so blunt, so honest about his feelings. He didn’t expect it and it hit him with so much force, at insane pace. He felt himself being swept under unbearable whirls of happiness and warmness spreading through his entire being.

Byeongkwan didn’t say anything back. He didn’t need to. He held Sehyoon’s hand tighter, putting all the unsaid words and unexpressed emotions in it. He felt Sehyoon shivering. Sehyoon understood his silence, and he understood Sehyoon’s. They were very fluent at it. They knew each other’s language of silence very well.

“Byeongkwan.” Sehyoon whispered his name as he came to a halt.

“Yes?” He asked and felt sudden, slight trembling in his hands.

“Do you.. Do you like me?” Sehyoon’s voice sounded so small, so soft Byeongkwan thought he didn’t hear him correctly.

“Do I like you?” He asked back, smiling. Sehyoon didn't say anything. “No. Why? Because I love you, Sehyoon. I think, I love you too much, more than anything and it's scary, but it's how you deserve to be loved - unconditionally, completely, honestly.” He stepped closer to the other male. There was a question stuck in his throat and he was afraid of putting voice to it. He was afraid of hearing Sehyoon’s answer, but he knew he needed to know it, hear it leave Sehyoon's lips. “Do you, Sehyoon?” He asked and felt Sehyoon’s trembling fingers gently caressing his cheek, causing shivers to run down on Byeongkwan’s spine.

“I do.” Sehyoon whispered as he leaned in closer and let his lips ghost over Byeongkwan’s lips. This time, the touch set the world around them ablaze. The universe was ready to burn for them, if they were ready to be engufled by its flames.

Maybe Sehyoon could never be unafraid. Maybe it was impossible for a human being to be unafraid. Maybe his answer wasn't being fearless, but being afraid and happy.

In this moment, when his lips made connection with Byeongkwan's, Sehyoon knew he was done being a coward. He wouldn't run away.

 


	15. Chapter 15

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi there.  
> Here is the new chapter, hope you will like it.  
> University is starting on Monday and the time for some of my courses are still unknown. ;( I just hope I won't have classes every day and get some time to also concentrate on writing.  
> Thank you so much for giving so much support to this story, it means a lot.  
> I didn't get to fix mistakes, so I apologize for them.  
> Enjoy reading this chapter.

 

**Chapter Fifty**

 

“Good morning, Sehyoon.” Yuchan greeted him in a cheerful voice as he walked inside their hotel room. He was wearing unfamiliar, oversized t-shirt that hung low on his shoulders, his previously worn shirt clasped between his fingers. It probably belonged either of his younger brother’s lovers.

“Good morning, Channie.” He greeted back as younger crawled on the bed beside him and snuggled up to him.

“Did you sleep well?” Yuchan asked, resting his head on the elder’s shoulder.

“I.. I.. I couldn’t really sleep.” Sehyoon admitted in a small voice. Yuchan immediately straightened up and shifted to look at his face.

“Why? Sehyoon, were you alright?” Younger asked, worried. Sehyoon gave him a gentle smile, brushing curls out of his brother’s face.

“I was. Don’t worry.” He reassured the younger male before reaching for the canvas lying on the bedside table. “I couldn’t sleep, so I painted something for you.” He said and turned his gaze from the canvas in his hands to the younger, who was looking at him with curious, sparkling eyes.

“Really?” Yuchan's eyes widened, smile spreading on his face from ear to ear. Sehyoon nodded. He had painted it on one of the canvas Donghun and Junhee had given him on his birthday, with the new painting tools Yuchan had brought for him. He painted on it, by using them so there could be some small parts of his brother and his boyfriends in his painting. So it could hold more meaning, more beauty for them. His mind wandered back to the yesterday night – to Byeongkwan, to their quiet confessions, for his decision to stop being a coward, to his newly found will for living. Byeongkwan had watched him the entire night silently while he painted. He could feel the other man’s eyes on him, warm and full of interest. Both of them had remained quiet, Byeongkwan observing Sehyoon, trying to remember every move his hands made, every shift of Sehyoon’s body, every expression that crossed his face. While Sehyoon sat silently, painting and let Byeongkwan’s gaze set his entire being ablaze.

Sehyoon nodded and held out his painting for Yuchan to take. “Be careful. It’s still needs some time to dry.” He warned as younger hurriedly took the painting from his hands. Sehyoon sat back against the headboard, observing his brother’s face.

“Sehyoon.” Yuchan choked out as loud gasp escaped his lips. He kept glancing between the painting and his older brother. His reaction caused gentle smile to appear on Sehyoon’s face. The painting was beautiful. It was breathtaking. It held so much meaning for Yuchan. He felt so many things from the painting. At first glance, you could only see beautiful smudge of colors, nothing special, nothing that would caught your eyes. But if you looked closely, if you observed, tried to seek some hidden meaning out of it you would see what Sehyoon had put inside his painting, what he had hidden inside the beautiful, chaotic mess of colors. They were not just colorful smudges. If you looked closely, you could see faces in them, you could see people smiling back at you from the painting. It was beautiful. It was something Yuchan hadn’t seen from Sehyoon for years. He felt tears streaming down on his face, sudden, rushed. He wiped them away with his sleeve. Sehyoon hadn’t painted it in black. Sehyoon could see the other colors again. Sehyoon’s soul had started to heal. He gently laid the painting on the bed and buried himself in his older brother’s embrace. He cried until there was nothing, but comforting warmness left of his tears. He cried because it was tears of happiness. It was a sign of them healing. It was a sign of them being mended back, back to their whole shapes.

“I.. Channie.. I.. I want to tell you something.” Sehyoon whispered when Yuchan’s sobbing died down, when only comfortable silence could be felt surrounding them.

“Tell me, Sehyoon. Tell me anything, everything.” Yuchan cried out, burying his face deeper into the elder’s chest, clutching onto him tightly. His life without Sehyoon would be nothing. He would be nothing without him. He wished Sehyoon knew how dear and precious he was to him.

“B.. Byeongkwan.. He.. Byeongkwan loves me.” Sehyoon managed in a soft whisper. He felt unbearable heaviness in his chest starting to cease. He waited for the younger’s reaction silently, giving Yuchan as much time as he needed to process the information. He found himself jolting slightly when Yuchan laughed suddenly, muffled. Younger slowly pulled out of his embrace.

“I’m glad he finally told you.” Yuchan told him as he patted Sehyoon gently on the cheek.

“I.. I asked if.. If he liked me.” Sehyoon stammered. He felt his cheeks coloring. Yuchan had known, just as he had known about Yuchan and the other two males.

“What about you, Sehyoon?” Yuchan asked, resting his hand on the elder’s cheek. “What about you? Do you love him?”

“Ch.. Channie I.. I think.. I think I do, Channie.” Sehyoon said, voice quiet, soft, faint. He lowered his head down, but Yuchan made him look back up at him.

“I’m glad, Sehyoon.” Yuchan told him, caressing his cheek with his thumb. “You deserve to be loved. You deserve to be happy.” He said and this time he was the one pulling older male against his chest, hugging him close, letting him cry until his tears were turned into happiness, until there was nothing but comfortable feeling of emptiness left inside him.

“There.. There is something I.. I wa.. want to show you, Ch.. Channie.” Sehyoon choked out few minutes later, when his tears started to cease. Younger let him slip out of his hold. Sehyoon shifted on the mattress to sit down beside him. “But promise me you won’t hate me.” Sehyoon told him. He sounded afraid, almost terrified. Yuchan felt something in his heart shattering. He could never, he would never hate Sehyoon. There was nothing about him he could hate. There would never be something deserving of hate about him. Sehyoon was pure, innocent, delicate despite all the harshness and struggles he had gone through.

“I promise, Sehyoon. I will never.” Yuchan promised and gave Sehyoon his time to gather as much courage as he could, as he needed.

Sehyoon’s fingers clasped the hem of his sleeve tightly, causing his knuckles to turn white. He slowly, carefully, rolled it up, eyes frozen on the younger, cautious, worried, terrified.

Yuchan heard himself gasp when Sehyoon’s exposed arm came in his sight. It was so hard to look at. They looked worser than his own scars and bruises. They held more pain, more agony in them than the scars aching on his body. Because Sehyoon’s were self inflicted, made by his own hands and Yuchan’s, his were made by someone else, by someone so despicable. But there was also something they shared. Both of them had no choice.

“Se.. Sehyoon.” He held his tears back. Sehyoon didn’t need to see his tears right now. Sehyoon needed reassurance that there was more of him than the cigarette burns on his skin. He run trembling fingers along them, gently, feathery. He felt afraid of hurting Sehyoon, deepening his pain. “How.. How long?” He managed to stutter out sometime later, after his shock started to cease little by little.

“Si.. Since sixteen.” Sehyoon whispered, almost inaudible, but Yuchan heard him loud and clear, his voice ringing in younger's head. He felt his heart shattering. He had been so blind of his older brother’s pain. He had been so blind of everything, everything that wasn’t his own pain, his own dreams, his own will to be happy again. He hated himself for it. He hated how he could have helped Sehyoon but did nothing to save him, save him from their uncle, his thoughts, his own monsters and himself. He wished he could do something to change it, turn back to time and see the signs he had missed because of his selfishness, because of him worrying about nothing else, but himself. But he also knew he could do nothing, he couldn’t change their past, his old mistakes, but he could write their future and he would do everything in his power to not make the same mistakes ever again. He wouldn’t be selfish anymore. He could change his future, Sehyoon’s future and he sweared to change it for better, for the best. “I told you I was never brave.” Sehyoon told him and Yuchan felt tears stinging in his eyes. If Sehyoon knew, understood how brave he was, how these burns of his made him braver than anyone could ever be.

“Does it not take so much braveness, so much courage to light a cigarette and let it burn against your own skin? Does it not take so much strength, so much courage to silently endure such pain? Braveness doesn’t always have to result in good things, Sehyoon. Sometimes we are so brave, so strong, we let it turn against our own selves, our own skin. Sometimes we don’t see our own braveness, because they aren’t reflected in things we have been taught them to be in. Both, destroying yourself and healing yourself take courage, Sehyoon. They take so much courage and there's both of it in you.” Yuchan said as he lifted Sehyoon’s arm and placed a feathery kiss against his brother's skin. He felt Sehyoon tremble. He wished he could reduce Sehyoon's pain.

“Do you still..?” Yuchan asked, unfinished, when Sehyoon didn’t say anything back, when silence between them started to get heavy, uncomfortable.

“N.. No. Not after.. Not after Byeongkwan.. He.. He..” Sehyoon started but trailed off. It was hard to find the right words. His mind was in chaos. Yuchan didn’t hate him. Byeongkwan didn’t hate him. None of them hated the angry burns on Sehyoon’s skin, they only hated the cause of it, the person who had driven Sehyoon to such extent, to hurt himself until only kind of pain he could feel was cigarette burning against his skin, until his uncle’s voice, his uncle’s touches were gone, forgotten with agonising burning of his skin.

“I think you have finally found the right person, Sehyoon. Someone who loves you with all your faults and imperfections, someone who sees more than your scars and wounds, someone who sees true beauty of your soul that had been tortured, shattered, bent and twisted. I think you have finally found someone who can bend your soul in a better shape, back to what it used to be, how it’s supposed to be – beautiful and delicate.” Yuchan kept caressing his brother’s wounds and Sehyoon let himself be comforted by it. “I have come to learn that it's okay to have wounds and scars Sehyoon, that you can’t be a human without them.” Yuchan whispered the same words Donghun had once whispered to him. It was part of being a human to hurt, to wound, to ache. “We can’t die without scars and say we have lived. We have to burn and break in order to make sense of life, of ourselves, of love, of all the mysteries of being alive.” Yuchan told him and Sehyoon realized how much his younger brother had grown up, had matured. There was nothing left of the crying little boy he used to comfort, hold in his arms, beside Yuchan’s smiles. They were always the same and Sehyoon wished it could remain like this for the rest of their lives, until Yuchan’s big, lion heart kept beating, until there was nothing but only ashes of them left. Yuchan’s unchanging, unbreakable smile made it possible for all the other broken souls to pick up their armors back and continue fighting, fighting for their souls to be mended, pieced together, to stop decaying. Yuchan's unshattered smile gave hope to unhopeful, to the ones in need of the sun light. Yuchan had been Sehyoon's light when he could see nothing else but darkness surrouding him and now he had found one more person willing to guide him on his way.

“Sehyoon.” Yuchan whispered as he cupped the older male’s face with his trembling hands. “Let Byeongkwan love you please. Let him show you how you deserve to be loved. Let him guide you on your way. Let him teach you the right way of using your braveness, your courage. Let him show you the world with its good and bad, because we can’t be human beings without seeing both darkness and light. Let him guide you to the light, because souls that walk all alone tend to be swallowed by pitch black, bottomless abyss and don’t let it swallow you, Sehyoon. Hold onto Byeongkwan and don’t let the darkness make you like him.” Sehyoon felt himself suffocating at younger’s last words. _Like him._ He knew who, what Yuchan meant. Cruel like their uncle, angry like him, heartless like him, abandoned like him. He would let Byeongkwan guide him out of the darkness, be the light for him. His scars would always be part of him, part of his soul, his being but they didn’t need to be him and he didn't need to be them. He could be more than his burns and wounds. He would let Byeongkwan paint his harsh burns in the right colors, he would let Byeongkwan show him the right way to be brave, to be happy and free.

 

**Chapter Fifty-One**

 

Byeongkwan gently knocked on his best friends’ hotel room door. It took Junhee few seconds to open it for him, flashing wide grin at him as a greeting.

“Oh, what brings you there?” Junhee asked, teasing. Byeongkwan rolled his eyes at him.

“Is Chan there?” He asked back, stirring his best friend’s curiosity.

“No, why?” Junhee moved aside and let him inside. Donghun was sprawled out on the bed, nose buried in his phone.

“Morning.” Byeongkwan greeted as he flopped down on the bed beside him. Donghun put his phone aside and patted him on the back as a greeting.

“What about Channie?” Junhee asked, hopping on the window sill.

“What about him?” Donghun inquired, suddenly very interested.

“Nothing. I just wanted to talk to you about something.” Byeongkwan told them and felt tips of his ears turning red. Junhee laughed, while Donghun raised his brow at him.

“Okay, spill it.” Donghun nudged him, shifting in more comfortable position on the bed.

“Sehyoon and I.. I don’t know how to say.. Well, we confessed yesterday night and.. But I don’t know where we stand.. Like we.. We..” Byeongkwan’s thoughts suddenly turned into a jumbled mess. His words sounded much better in his mind, but he forgot what he wanted to say as soon as he opened his mouth. Even the slightest thought of the yesterday night turned him into a stammering mess. This wasn’t like him at all. Sehyoon was driving him insane, in a good way if that was possible.

“And you aren’t sure if you two are like us?” Donghun helped him, suggesting the right words, lessening the burden of looking for them.

Byeongkwan nodded. “We.. Sehyoon is different.. Sometimes he just chooses to forget things and I.. I don’t think he is going to act that way anymore but.. What I wanted to tell you guys is that if.. If we start to behave differently, if I try to.. you know, get him used to such things, I want you to act like nothing has changed, like nothing is happening to not make him uncomfortable, okay? Can you do that for me?” Byeongkwan finally managed, causing both of his friends to laugh at how pathetic he sounded. He sighed in annoyance and fell back on the bed, glaring up at Donghun who was grinning down at him.

“Wait, did you think we would start screaming if you suddenly started to hold hands with Sehyoon or something?” Donghun asked and Byeongkwan laughed, nervously.

“No.. But you know.. Just to be safe.” He mumbled. He didn’t doubt them. He would never. He just wanted to make sure his best friends knew, he just wanted it to make comfortable for Sehyoon, for himself, for everyone. He knew how much Sehyoon needed the changes happening between them to be accepted quietly, without causing any stir. He was going to provide every kind of comfort to him, so Sehyoon could get used to his presence, his smiles, his touches, him.

“Scoot aside you silly. I think it's time I show you something.” Junhee said as he kicked him in the shins. Byeongkwan winced, rolling over to the side. “Here have a good look.” Junhee said as he handed him his camera with wide grin plastered on his face. It made Byeongkwan nervous.

“Wh.. What is it?” He stammered out, sitting up on the bed again.

“Just look.” Junhee hissed at him and he didn’t question any farther.

He felt his breath hitch as soon as his eyes fixed on the camera. There was a photo of him and Sehyoon sitting under the tree. Sehyoon had his head rested on Byeongkwan's shoulder and there was a small smile resting on both of their lips. It was beautiful. He had wished for this moment to remain forever in time and Junhee had made sure it would. He felt thankfulness rushing through him.

“Keep going.” Junhee gestured to the camera and he did. One more picture of him and Sehyoon, then another and another and it continued till the very beginning. Junhee had taken a lot of pictures of them, on different days, on different places. He had captured every precious moment shared between them. If you looked at the pictures closely you would realize how much things have changed between them, how distance between them had lessened, how smiles on their faces have become wider, more prominent. They told a whole story and Byeongkwan felt himself falling in love with every single one of them. He was thankful Junhee was there, always beside him, to capture such moments, moments that have changed Byeongkwan’s life, moments that have changed everything for them.

“Thank you, Jun.” He said, looking up at his best friend who was smiling at him gently.

“No, Kwannie. I’m glad you are happy.” Junhee patted him on the cheek. Byeongkwan felt warmness spreading through him. He was so glad he had them. He was so glad his family was made of such beautiful human beings. Junhee kissed him on the head before getting up and walking over to the door.

“I’m going to get them so we can get started with our day.” Byeongkwan watched as Junhee slipped out of the door silently before turning his attention to Donghun whose eyes were still fixed on the door his boyfriend left through.

“Sometimes I doubt if I deserve them.” Donghun told him, catching Byeongkwan off guard. “They are just too good to be true, too kind, too bright, too nice.” He had not heard such words leaving Donghun’s mouth in ages.

“You make them happy, Hun and you are ready to risk your life for them. I don't think you're undeserving of them at all.” Byeongkwan said, getting up. “You deserve them, because you are just as precious to them as they are to you. It's that simple. They need you and you need them.” He squeezed his best friend’s shoulder in assurance. “We all deserve each other, Hun.” Byeongkwan told him just as loud giggles from the hallway reached their ears.

Yes, life had tried to break them in different ways and they all were survivors of their own stories, in their own ways. Of course, they deserved each other. They needed each other to be complete, to be fully mended.

The world had this strange, cruel ability of breaking humans – some slightly, some whole. But you couldn’t survive without your soul being twisted and bended. The only difference was that some chose to be bended in better shapes, in better persons, in better themselves. They could never be perfect and it was their imperfections that made them human. They broke, they bled and they got mended only by the other imperfect, broken human beings. That’s why they needed each other, they deserved each other. Because they made each other feel whole, complete.

“You are the cause of their happiness, Hun and that makes you more than worthy, more than deserving of them.” Byeongkwan told him, causing a small smile to appear on Donghun’s face. His best friend understood what he meant. They always understood each other perfectly.

Things fell back to peacefulness. The world around them burned and they started to enjoy its burning flames.

 


	16. Chapter 16

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi there.  
> We solved some of Donghun's fears in this chapter and also got some unneccessary shopping time, which I don't know where came from, it was there when I finished writing and decided to not leave it out.  
> Also, Chan did pull some nice trick, didn't he? The next time I doubt my tarot I might as well stop reading. I knew, he was going to make it, but I still kept doubting. He knows how to make a family proud. The only thing worrying me is his health. I hope everything goes right.  
> Thank you so much for giving so much love to this story. I appreciate it a lot.  
> I didn't get to fix mistakes, so I apologize for them.  
> Enjoy reading this chapter.

 

**Chapter Fifty-Two**

 

 

Junhee woke up by the sudden feeling of emptiness beside him. It was in the middle of the night. The room was dimly lit by the lights coming in from the outside. Donghun, who had fallen asleep between him and Chan was now sitting on the window sill, hugging his legs to his chest, head rested on his knees. He carefully slipped out of the bed and walked over to his boyfriend, who was lost in his thoughts and didn't notice him approaching.

“Can’t sleep?” He asked in a whisper, careful to not disturb the quiet as he wrapped his arms around the other male and pulled him in a side hug. Donghun looked up at him with small smile on his lips. He nodded and leaned his head against Junhee’s chest, who rested his chin on the top of Donghun's head. “What keeps you awake?” Junhee asked, pulling the other closer to his chest.

“Too many things all at once.” Donghun replied, short, simple. Junhee found small smile spreading on his lips.

“Share some of them maybe?” He offered and knew Donghun would. He always did whenever there were too many thoughts, too many emotions swarming around inside him, when he could no longer endure screaming silence inside his head. He always came to Junhee, because Junhee knew him the best, understood him the best, held him the tightest, loved him the most. He sometimes couldn’t understand things Donghun was feeling, experiencing but he tried his best to understand and if he still couldn’t, he just listened. He was Donghun’s thought keeper. If Donghun’s thoughts were too much to be kept only inside his head, he shared them with Junhee and Junhee kept them safe inside his own mind.

“It’s just.. I have been thinking about him, about the things he had to go through and it scares me, Jun. I’m worried that something I say, I do may hurt him, cause him more pain. I don’t want him to hurt more than he already had. I worry that maybe I’m not enough to help him. He needs so much care and love and I’m worried that I won’t be able to care for him enough, love him like he deserves to be.” Donghun said and Junhee felt slight ache in his chest. How much he wished Donghun could see himself, things he said, he did from his eyes. It was impossible for Donghun to not be enough for Yuchan, for any of them. He was more than enough. He was too good for them, too kind, too thoughtful, too gentle for anyone. Without his love, his support, his care Junhee wouldn’t be who he was as a person today, without Donghun’s love and care Yuchan wouldn’t be sleeping peacefully on their bed, without Donghun’s love and care Byeongkwan wouldn’t be beside them. He was the pillar that kept everyone together, gave them a shoulder to lean on, provided them utmost love and care. He pressed his lips on Donghun’s head, giving him a tender kiss. He was enough. He always would be – for Yuchan, for Junhee, for them.

“Do you still remember that poem you used to read for me? sing for me back in the days?” Junhee asked. He knew Donghun did. None of them could forget it. It was beginning of their love and Junhee wished it could also be their ending.

“Enough?” Donghun told him, voice muffled. Of course, he remembered it. He remembered singing it to Junhee back in their high school days.

_“It is enough for me by day_

_To walk the same bright earth with him;_

_Enough that over us by night_

_The same great roof of stars is dim._

_I do not hope to bind the wind_

_Or set a fetter on the sea --_

_It is enough to feel his love_

_Blow by like music over me.”_

Junhee quietly whispered the old, their cherished poem to him. Donghun felt himself shivering. Junhee always knew what to tell him, how to ease maddening silence in his head. He whispered the same poem over and over again, until Donghun could only hear his soothing voice ringing inside his head, until it was all quiet, peaceful again. Junhee kept whispering the poem and Donghun felt everything slowly coming back to its place.

“Sometimes it may seem that love is not enough, Hun, but there are people who only need it. For whom just loving them is enough. If you think your love isn’t enough for him, think that love is what he had been looking for all these years, love had been something he hadn’t felt all this time and you, us, we had given it to him. We have given him our full, bare, fragile hearts. You are enough, Hun, because no one will ever love him, love me, love us the way you do. No one will cherish us more than you do, no one will think about us more than you do. No one will be more important for us more than you are. Because you love us whole and we love you just as much. You are what we need to feel complete and we are what you need to be whole. You are enough, Hun. We are enough. We are always going to be. As long as the same strong bond of love bounds us together, as long as our arms can make each other feel safe, as long as our hearts flutter at the sight of one another.” Junhee told him, his hold strong and burning around his lover. Donghun felt emptiness inside him filling with warmness. He felt his thoughts being replaced with calmness.

“You will never hurt him, Hun. You won’t be able to, even if you try hard. Because your heart is full of love for him and he only needs your love.” Junhee gently placed his fingers under Donghun’s chin and made him look up. Their eyes met. Donghun could see fire in Junhee's eyes. “You are enough, because we need your love and your heart is full of it for us.” He leaned down and pressed his lips on Donghun’s. There were thoughts Junhee couldn’t put into words, emotions he couldn’t express and explain and he hoped Donghun could feel it from his touch, from all the tenderness a kiss shared between them contained.

The bed behind them creaked quietly and they heard faint sounds of bare feet coming in touch with wooden floor. A second later, sleep hazed Yuchan was sitting on the window sill in front of Donghun, gazing at him with worried, sleepy eyes.

“Hun.” Younger whispered as he reached out a trembling hand to stroke the older male’s cheek, gently, tenderly, full of love. He heard everything his lovers had whispered quietly to each other and he wished he had enough words, knew how to tell them they were enough, they were more than enough for him. They were what he had been wishing for all these years. “If you aren’t enough for me then I don’t know what’s enough. Just to imagine not having you beside me terrifies me because you two are all I ever wanted, all I ever needed and I love you so much. I love you more than anything and you loving me back is enough. I don’t need anything else except you loving me the way I am – with all my bruises and scars. You took me just as I am, mended me whole, gave me a reason to laugh and that’s enough, Hun. That’s more than enough. That’s more than enough. You two are enough and I want my love to be enough for you too. I love you so much. I could never imagine to love someone this much, to be loved by someone so much and you showed me the possibility of it. You love me and I love you. That’s enough.” Yuchan said, voice gentle, faint. He leaned in and placed his lips against Donghun’s, to where Junhee’s lips had been before. He felt himself shivering. He felt Donghun tremble against his touch. This was enough. This was what they wanted, what they needed and it was enough.

“I love you.” Donghun whispered back when they fell apart. Junhee’s gentle arms slipped around them, mending them together in a single touch. Donghun’s head against Junhee’s chest, Yuchan’s head against Donghun’s madly beating heart. This was enough. They were enough.

 

*******

 

“Are you sleeping?” Junhee whispered as he shifted and rested his head on Donghun’s chest, peering at Yuchan, who had his face buried in Donghun’s side. Donghun hummed in response, Yuchan murmured a quiet no. “I remembered an old tale.” He told them and felt Donghun’s gentle fingers running through his hair. It felt so good, so soothing. He felt himself leaning in his lover’s touch.

“What tale?” Yuchan asked, shifting and resting his cheek on Donghun’s chest, just beneath it laid older male's madly beating heart. Yuchan thought it could tear his chest apart. He placed an innocent kiss against Donghun’s bare skin and felt Donghun’s lips pressing against his hair.

“I can’t really remember it. I just remembered this one small part.” Junhee said, peaceful smile gracing his lips. “When butterfly says, just living is not enough. One must have sunshine, freedom, and a little flower.” He told them, causing Donghun to chuckle and Yuchan to let out a muffled laugh. “And we have all of it.”

“Am I the sunshine?” Yuchan asked. He loved the idea of being their sunshine.

“You are.” Junhee confirmed. “I am the freedom and Hun is the flower.”

“Why a flower?” Donghun asked.

“Because it’s the most beautiful, the most delicate, fragile creation of the nature, while also being the strongest, toughest part of it. Winter flowers have survived and endured more bitter winters than any human ever will.” Junhee explained, causing a small smile to find its way on Donghun’s lips.

“And they can be your only friend in both, joy and sadness.” Yuchan added, pressing himself close to Donghun’s side.

“This could be any of us.” Donghun told them. Both of his lovers shook their heads in response.

“But you are the one healing us. Your delicate petals soothe our wounds.” Junhee said as he took Yuchan's hand in his and rested them on Donghun’s chest – safely, securely wrapped around their lover. They made Donghun feel enough.

 

**Chapter Fifty-Three**

 

Sehyoon laid in bed motionless, staring up at the white ceiling above. He tried to make sense of everything. His mind struggled to take things in as they were. He tried his best to not panic, to not let his thoughts make him believe things that were not real, to not let his mind distract him from the reality, take him somewhere afar. For the first time, he felt himself wanting to cling onto his reality. For the first time it felt better than the places his mind wandered to when he wanted to run way from the everything and everyone. This time he didn’t want to run, this time he wanted to stay and face his reality as it was, look it straight in the eyes.

It had been more than a day since he and Byeongkwan had confessed to each other and he was still struggling to make sense of it. He still struggled to believe how Byeongkwan had accepted him, loved him whole with his past, his secrets and scars. It made him feel like someone, someone worth loving, someone worth spending time with and it scared him. But he had promised himself, he had promised Byeongkwan and Yuchan that he wouldn’t let his fears control him anymore, force him to run away from things that made him happy, run away from people who gave him hope and made him feel loved.

Byeongkwan was being gentle, patient with him, matching his steps with Sehyoon, doing everything in his power to make him feel comfortable and the other man’s such actions made Sehyoon felt like someone, someone important, someone who deserved love, someone who was more than their past, their hardships and struggles. Byeongkwan made him feel whole, gave him a reason to smile and he would try to not let Byeongkwan’s efforts and dedication go in waste, fade away in nothing. He would try to be the person who made Byeongkwan feel the same way he made Sehyoon feel – complete, hopeful, happy, loved. He would try hard, even if it got too suffocating, too uncomfortable, he would still try. He was ready to fight for Byeongkwan. He wanted to fight for Byeongkwan just as Byeongkwan had faught for him, just as Byeongkwan had been fighting for him all this time.

Soft sound of knocking pulled him out of his trace, bringing him back to his hotel room. He didn’t want to get up. He felt safe and comfortable tackled under the blanket.

“Channie?” He called out, slipping out of the bed lazily.

“It’s Byeongkwan.” Came familiar voice from the other side. Sehyoon felt his heart flutter. Byeongkwan made him feel nervous.

He slipped the door open, revealing smiling Byeongkwan behind it. He stepped aside to let the other male walk inside.

“Did I wake you up?” Byeongkwan asked, eyes shifting between the unmade bed and Sehyoon’s messy hair. He shook his head in response.

“I was awake.” Sehyoon said and sat down on the bed, causing Byeongkwan to do the same.

“I thought you were not inside. I was about to give up.” Byeongkwan told him, gentle smile adorning his face. Sehyoon felt butterflies coming back to life in his stomach. It was such a strange feeling.

“I.. I didn’t hear. I was.. deep in thought.” He explained as the other male took his hand in his, rubbing it in encouragement.

“It’s alright.” Byeongkwan told him. It was alright. “Others are going shopping and I came to ask if you wanted to go.” Sehyoon didn’t want to go. He disliked such things. It made him feel suffocated. There were always thousands of people roaming around, causing him to feel panicked and nervous. But he heard something in the other man’s voice that made him think that Byeongkwan himself wanted to go. He had neglected Byeongkwan from his best friends’ presence. He had kept him busy from enjoying his time exploring new places and trying new things. He didn't want to hold him back from enjoying his life. He didn't want to be a burden to Byeongkwan. “Junhee said there are art stores too.” Byeongkwan added just as Sehyoon opened his mouth to say yes. He nodded and murmured a quiet okay in return. He nodded not because of the art stores, but because he wanted to go for Byeongkwan, to keep him company while the trio kept themselves busy and entertained by each other’s presence.

“Wi.. Will you wait while I.. I change?” Sehyoon asked.

“I will.” Byeongkwan told him before he disappeared inside the bathroom.

 

*******

 

It took byeongkwan 15 minutes to find a free spot to park the car. It was Sunday morning and the mall was packed with people. The trio was out of the car as soon as he turned off the engine.

“Jun, don’t run off. Eyes on Chan.” Donghun warned his boyfriend, who seemed bouncy and excited. Junhee feigned an annoyed look before breaking into a wide smile and stealing quick peck from his boyfriend’s lips.

“You are here to keep your eyes on us.” Junhee giggled and Donghun softly smacked him on the head in return, causing Yuchan to double over in laughter. Byeongkwan raised his brows at them. The trio were weird. He could never understand what was going on in their minds. They could act in two completely different ways in less than a second. He could understand them separately, but when they were together it felt like they were three people mended in one.

“I’m not your guard dog, Jun.” Donghun said in feigned irritation as Junhee dragged both Yuchan and him inside the mall. Byeongkwan and Sehyoon trailed behind them silently.

“You aren’t. You are our lover who vowed to protect us from anything yesterday night.” Junhee announced, loud enough to earn glances from the passer bys.

“Did they drink something before coming?” Byeongkwan asked Sehyoon, who shrugged in response and stepped closer to him, avoiding rows of people swarming around them. Byeongkwan took the other’s hand in his, squeezed it gently and grasped onto it tighter. “Better?” He asked and recieved a slight nod from Sehyoon in return. He gave him a gentle, comforting smile. “Don’t worry. I won’t leave your side.” He reassured and led him further inside.

 

*******

 

“He doesn’t need that much clothes, Jun. We can’t even fit them inside the car.” Donghun sighed, exhausted. Junhee had dragged them inside every single store in the mall and left each of them with at least two bags in his hands. Yuchan looked pale and terrified. He kept clinging onto Donghun, complaining about how tired he was and how he wanted to sit down and eat something.

“This is the last one. He needs a cell phone.” Junhee said as he walked inside the store, leaving them no other choice but to follow behind.

“Jun is scary.” Yuchan mumbled, causing Donghun to laugh. “Let’s not go shopping with him next time.”

“He tends to be scary when he’s determined.” Donghun told him as Yuchan pressed himself closer to his arm.

“He reminds me of my mother.” Younger whispered with soft smile on his face. Donghun pressed a kiss on his temple, gently urging him inside.

“She must have been beautiful, determined, caring and kind free soul.” He told the younger, who hummed in return.

“She was wonderful.” He whispered and felt Donghun’s arm around his waist tighten. He felt secure when he was with the elder. “I love you.” The words slipped out from his lips suddenly. He felt himself blushing.

“I love you too.” Donghun told him and Yuchan's heart did a double summersault. It always did whenever either of his lovers uttered confessions of their love to him.

“Confessing without me?” Familiar hands sneaked around their shoulders causing them to jump.

“My god, Jun!” Donghun hissed, hand placed on his heart. They didn't notice the other male sneaking up to them from behind. Yuchan giggled and squished Junhee between himself and Donghun.

“I love you too.” Junhee told them and both males whispered quiet I love yous back to him.

Yuchan instantly took his words back. They could go shopping with Junhee for the rest of their lives.

 

*******

 

They left the shopping mall after dinner. All of them looked exhausted and worn out, hands full of bags, shoulders hunched. Even Junhee looked slightly less energetic. The parking lot was dimly lit and still full of people. Everyone seemed engrossed in their own worlds and business until sudden outbreak of shouting and violent cussing caused them to come to a halt. The two brothers stopped dead on their tracks, heads moving around frantically to look for the source of the sound. There was a small group of people across the parking lot engaged in fierce fight of shouting and cussing one another. Byeongkwan noticed how both, Sehyoon and Yuchan turned pale at the same time, frozen on their spots, trembling, silent, still. Their eyes suddenly turned distant. Byeongkwan found himself instinctively reaching to Sehyoon’s hand and grasping it tightly with his fingers.

“Let’s just go.” He whispered and gently urged Sehyoon to continue walking back to the car. Donghun reacted just as quickly. He shoved his bags into Junhee's arms and firmly covered Yuchan’s ears with his hands, muffling harsh sounds filling the sudden quiet around them.

“Keep going, Channie.” Donghun kept whispering to the younger even though Byeongkwan was sure Yuchan’s couldn’t hear a word from the way older male was pressing his hands against his ears.

Byeongkwan realized he had been holding his breath for the entire time only when he closed the door of his car on Sehyoon's side. He hurriedly drove them out of the parking lot. The brothers' looked lost in their thoughts, but color started to slowly return on their cheeks few minutes later. They were fine. 

 

*******

 

The night came fast, quietly crept inside their rooms without any of them noticing. Sehyoon and Byeongkwan sat on Sehyoon's bed, backs against headboard, hands intertwined and rested on Byeongkwan's thigh, while Yuchan slept wrapped under Donghun’s and Junhee’s arms, peacefully, safely hidden away from any harm.

They all knew changes, like healing, took time. It wasn’t an easy road to walk on, it was rugged and full of thorns, but it felt much easier when you had right people to guide you on the path.

 


	17. Chapter 17

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi there.  
> Here goes the new chapter.  
> University is starting tomorrow and even though I'm quite satisfied with my schedule I'm not sure if I will be able to update frequently.  
> Thank you so much for reading and giving so much support to this story. I appreciate it so much. (^^_^^)  
> I didn't get to fix mistakes, so I apologize for them.  
> Enjoy reading this chapter.

 

**Chapter Fifty-Five**

 

Sehyoon woke up by the feeling of someone else’s arms wrapped around him. He felt panic rushing through him, his entire body experiencing violent tremor. He had to force himself to resist a rough jolt and a muffled cry when his wide, terrified eyes landed on Byeongkwan's face, who was sleeping peacefully beside him, hands wrapped around Sehyoon’s waist. He wanted to push the other man away from him. He felt suffocated, sudden waves of panic in his body choking him. But he didn’t. He tried to force himself believe that it was Byeongkwan and Byeongkwan would do nothing to hurt him, Byeongkwan would never lay his hands on him without Sehyoon’s consent. Byeongkwan wasn’t like his uncle or anyone else Sehyoon had ever met. Byeongkwan was gentle and kind and treated him with utmost care and respect. It was Byeongkwan's arms wrapped around him. _It’s Byeongkwan_. He kept repeating it like a prayer inside his head. His mind struggled to fight back, made him believe otherwise. But Sehyoon didn’t put his armor down, for once in his life he had made a promise he wouldn't break at any cost, at any sacrifice, so he resisted until panic in his mind started to cease, until violent trembling of his body stopped, until breathing got easier. He wouldn’t push Byeongkwan away. He didn't want to push him away. He wouldn’t hurt Byeongkwan like that.

His mind wandered back to the yesterday night. Him and Byeongkwan must had fallen asleep together, exhausted. Byeongkwan had offered to stay with him for awhile and keep him company as he had been seemingly shaken and he had accepted instantly. He didn’t want to be left alone anymore, not when he had someone who was willing to spend time with him, keep him company, fill emptiness surrounding him with their presence.

He laid on the bed motionless and let Byeongkwan pull him close in his sleep, hold him tight against his chest. It was difficult, it felt uncomfortable, it made him panic, but he wouldn’t pull away. He wouldn’t push Byeongkwan away. He wanted to feel Byeongkwan’s securely wrapped arms around him, keeping him whole and safe.

It didn’t take Byeongkwan long to stir back to consciousness, his eyes fluttered open, locking with Sehyoon’s instantly. They looked warm and beautiful and Sehyoon felt warmth and calmness filling his body. Slight confusion crossed Byeongkwan's face for a second before breaking into a wide smile, hand reaching up to stroke Sehyoon’s pink dusted cheeks. Byeongkwan wondered if he was still dreaming, if he had somehow stumbled upon heaven in his sleep. There would never be something as beautiful, as endearing than waking up next to Sehyoon, who looked ethereal, shining in the glow of summer morning.

Waking up in Byeongkwan's arms suddenly felt familiar to Sehyoon. It held some, strange kind of familiarity he couldn't put a name to. As if this wasn’t the first time Byeongkwan have held him this close. As if this wasn’t the last time waking up while trapped in Byeongkwan's arms. This was their beginning and he wished he could still be trapped inside Byeongkwan's embrace when the end would come.

“Hey.” Byeongkwan whispered. The familiarity of his greeting brought smile on Sehyoon’s face.

“Hi.” He whispered back, causing Byeongkwan’s beautiful, warm, brown eyes to lit up.

“Did you sleep well?” Byeongkwan asked. Sehyoon nodded.

“When we were kids mom used to always tell us the same thing before sleep. I didn’t really understand the meaning it held back then.” Sehyoon started few minutes later, when silence started to get slightly heavy above them. He didn’t know why he was suddenly telling Byeongkwan this, probably because Byeongkwan made him feel the same way his mom had aways described to him and Yuchan. The other male hummed for him to continue, to assure him that he was listening. “When arms holding you make you feel safe that’s when you know you are home, that’s when you know you are where you should be.” He whispered, voice trembling and felt Byeongkwan’s arms around him tighten, pull him close. Byeongkwan made him feel like he had finally found home, where he was loved and safe, where he truly belonged to.

“I will always hold you in the safest place I keep, Sehyoon, and right now it's the small space between my arms and heart, where you can feel it beating for you, where you can feel them keeping you safe from the world, while wishing that it’s enough, that it’s what you need.” Byeongkwan told him. Sehyoon found himself wrapping his arms around the other male. He wanted to be Byeongkwan's home, someplace where he felt loved and safe.

“That’s what I need, Byeongkwan.” He whispered, felt himself shivering. “I need you.” He murmured and felt sudden wetness on his cheeks. He was crying but they weren’t tears of sadness. He felt happy. Byeongkwan made him happy.

“I love you.” Byeongkwan said in a quiet whisper, heard and kept only between them, safely hidden away from everyone.

“I love you.” He echoed back, just as quiet, just as faint and felt Byeongkwan’s gentle lips against his.

He had finally found his home. Byeongkwan was what he had lost and found again. He would make sure to hold on tight and never let go, no matter how hard, how painful, how suffocating it got. Byeongkwan had been fighting for him, for them all along and Sehyoon was ready to fight beside him, love him as much as he loved Sehyoon, give him home Byeongkwan had given to him.

Lying there, enjoying Byeongkwan holding him closely, both happy and in love, made Sehyoon feel how nice it was to be able to live in the moment, free from the past and unafraid of the future. 

Life was happening and Sehyoon, for the first time in years, didn't want it to end.

 

**Chapter Fifty-Six**

 

“We should get up.” Donghun said but he, himself didn’t want to move an inch from his place. Both, Junhee and Yuchan were snuggled up to his sides, Junhee humming some soft tune for them that brought dreamy smile on Yuchan’s face and made donghun feel wrapped in calmness.

“I don’t want to move. Can’t we just stay lying there for the entire day?” Junhee stopped humming and wrapped his arm around Donghun’s bare torso, fingers playing with Yuchan’s on the other side.

“We can, if you text Kwan that we don’t want to leave today.” Donghun told him, gently caressing both, Junhee’s and Yuchan’s hair.

“Mhmm.” Junhee murmured and rolled over to his phone laying on the bedside table. He hurriedly typed a short message to send his best friend. He was sure Byeongkwan wouldn’t complain. He wanted to spend as much time alone with Sehyoon as Junhee wanted with Donghun and Yuchan. He rolled back to Donghun’s side and laid his arm over his lovers. “I can have you both only for myself now.” Junhee said, playful smile on his face, his canines showing themselves. Yuchan giggled, burying his face in the crook of Donghun’s neck.

“You always have us only for yourself.” Donghun told him, sneaking his arm under Junhee’s shoulders and pulling him closer. Both males pressed as close against him as it was physically possible. He loved the warm feeling of them against his skin. He could hold them like this forever. He could stay in this position motionless for the rest of their lives.

“I do and I’m going to keep it that way.” Junhee said, playfully biting Donghun’s arm.

“I want it to be that way too.” Yuchan mumbled shyly against Donghun’s skin causing the shivers to run down on the elder's spine.

“We all do.” Donghun told them and pressed kisses on their heads.

They felt in comfortable silence, listening to each other’s heartbeats and steady breathing, fingers caressing each other’s skins, leaving burning touches behind. Air around them felt like it stood still inside the room, time felt like it had stopped moving. They felt like stuck inside the eternity that was full of each other, love and calmness.

Sometime later, when their minds had already wandered to anywhere and everywhere, Yuchan sat up abruptly, looking down at the other two males with burning fire in his eyes.

“Can.. Can I.. Can I sing for you?” He managed quietly. He felt sudden desire of singing for Donghun and Junhee, desire of filling calmness surrounding them with his voice. He wanted to learn how to sing freely, fearlessly again and no one could teach him better than Donghun and Junhee.

“Of course, baby, you can.” Junhee beamed up at him, proud smile dancing on his face.

“Take a deep breath, Channie. Don’t rush and take your time.” Donghun told him, hand resting on Yuchan’s thigh to give younger some strength and courage. “Start it gently, quietly, with humming.”

Yuchan did as Donghun advised, started slowly, quietly until he felt unbearable desire of singing rushing through him, until soft, soothing sounds started to freely escape his lips. He sang for them, gently, tenderly, putting all his courage, all his happiness, all his love inside it. Wishing for his emotions, for his feelings and desires to reach them through the song. It didn’t hurt to sing. The pain that used to accompany it never came. He could only see Donghun's and Junhee's soft, loving smiles directed to him, felt their tender, encouraging touches against his skin.

He released a shaky breath when the last word left his lips. He felt his entire being shivering. He could hear his heart pounding in his ears, his face burning in flames. He fell numb against Donghun’s chest. The older male wrapped his arms around him, laid his gentle hand on his head, caressed his hair in a soothing manner. He felt Junhee’s arms around him. He rested his chin on Yuchan's trembling shoulder, whispering comforting words in his ear, telling him how proud they were of him, of his braveness.

“You are wonderful, baby. You are amazing.” Junhee kept whispering, while Donghun kept caressing him. They made him feel wonderful. They made him feel like singing again. They set him free, gave him a chance to hold back on his dreams and happiness again and he would. He would keep holding onto his dreams just as he would keep holding onto Donghun and Junhee. They made him feel fearless. Their love made him feel fearless and he was, he would be until he was with them, beside them, trapped between them. 

Their love could conquer everything. 

 


	18. Chapter 18

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi there.  
> Here goes the new chapter. Hope you will like it.  
> Thank you so much for reading and giving support to this story. It means a lot and I appreciate it so much.  
> I didn't get to fix mistakes, so I apologize for them.  
> Hope you all are doing well.  
> Enjoy reading this chapter.  
> 

 

**Chapter Fifty-Seven**

 

Sehyoon sat on the bed staring down at his and Yuchan’s phones in his hands. He had found them buried in the depth of his backpack when he was packing some of his new clothes. He had desire of switching them on, wanting to see if their uncle had tried to contact him or the younger male. He was sure, he had. Their uncle wouldn’t let them get away from him easily. Sehyoon wanted to know how their uncle tried to threaten them, scare them for running away, force them to crawl back to him. He wanted to switch them on, but he also wanted to throw them out of the window at the same time. His uncle was left in the past, he wouldn’t be able to hurt him, hurt them ever again. As Yuchan had said they were no longer alone, they were no longer lost kids. They had people willing to protect them, keep them safe. He tried to push his curiosity away. He knew it would bring him unnecessary pain and fill him with panic for meaningless threats. But it was too strong to be ignored and pushed aside. He pressed the power button just as someone’s hands covered his, blocking his view of the phone.

“Don’t.” It was Byeongkwan. He hadn’t noticed him re-entering his hotel room. “He will only try to manipulate you. You don’t need to see anything he had to say.” Byeongkwan took the phones out of his grasp and placed them on the bed. Few seconds later his phone went off, buzzing. His hands itched, but Byeongkwan grasped them tightly in his. “You can’t let him control you, Sehyoon. You have to let go of him.” He knew he had to. He tried his best to push his uncle’s voice out of his mind, but sometimes, when he was alone it got too hard to ignore it, it got too hard to fight him off. Byeongkwan silenced his uncle’s voice ringing through his head, suffocating him, causing him intense, uncontrollable fear. Byeongkwan was the only one who could keep the voices in Sehyoon's head quiet and he found himself grasping tightly on the other male’s hands, finding strength and courage through the touch, holding onto his presence desperately.

“I’m trying.” He said, voice small and faint. “I.. I just wanted to make sure he.. He wasn’t after us.” He confessed his fears out loud and they hung in the air above them. Byeongkwan gave him a gentle smile.

“I know you do and I’m proud of you for trying.” Byeongkwan told him. He looked proud. He always looked what he said, proving his genuinity and sincerity with every word and move. Byeongkwan was always honest. His words found themselves on his face. Sehyoon knew he was proud of him for finding strength, for fighting against his past, against his uncle, against his thoughts trying to suffocate him. “We will be here to protect you if he really dares to come after you and Chan. You don’t have to worry, Sehyoon. If he does come, let us handle him.” Byeongkwan said and pulled him against his chest, buried him under his protective arms. Sehyoon heard the silent promise in his words and he knew Byeongkwan wouldn’t break it. Byeongkwan never broke his promises. Byeongkwan was the only person who meant them truly, who made sure his promises were not meant to be broken, but kept and accomplished.

“Take them away from me.” Sehyoon mumbled, referring to the phones laying on the bed. He felt Byeongkwan’s lips on his head. The other male kissed him gently. His worries started to slowly fade away. Byeongkwan made him feel safe. Byeongkwan was his safe haven. He was Sehyoon's home.

“I will.” Byeongkwan said as he released him from his arms. “Are you done packing?” He asked and Sehyoon gave him a nod. “We should go.” Byeongkwan took the phones from the bed as he got up and helped Sehyoon carry one of his backpacks back to the car.

They walked silently, comfortable in each other’s presence, brushing against one another once in a while. The trio was already waiting for them to the car. Byeongkwan trailed off and Sehyoon did the same, gazing at him with questioning eyes.

“I will throw them away and be back.” Sehyoon nodded and part ways with him as Byeongkwan walked off to the direction of the garbage container. He didn’t want to invade Sehyoon’s privacy, but he needed to be alert in advance if Sehyoon's uncle had planned something. He quickly unlocked the phone with shaking hands. Sehyoon had 99+ missed calls and just as much text messages from the same number. His eyes run rapidly through them before opening the last few ones.

_“I was so close to getting him, Sehyoonnie. Let's see how long their pity will last. They will get bored of playing with you and you will be crawling back to me.”_

He felt himself going rigid on the spot, blood freezing in his veins. It was their uncle Yuchan had seen that day and he knew about them.

Byeongkwan felt sudden rush of anger filling his entire being. He was furious. He wanted to find Sehyoon’s uncle and tear him apart with his own bare hands. They weren't playing with them. What they had and shared was genuine and sincere, something their uncle would never be able to unserstand and feel. Byeongkwan, Donghun and Junhee weren’t like everyone else, anyone else. They would never let anyone hurt the brothers. They would never let them return to him. Byeongkwan dared their uncle to come and show himself. They would shred him to bits. They would make him regret every hit, every menace, every touch he had forced and used on their lovers. He dared the man to show himself. He wanted to face him. It was about time for them to meet.

Byeongkwan threw the phones in garbage and turned back to join Sehyoon and the others waiting for him.

 

**Chapter Fifty-Eight**

 

“This is the longest line for ice-cream I have ever seen. I swear it's only keeps growing.” Junhee complained as he whirled around on his heels to face Donghun and Yuchan, who were patiently waiting behind him, Yuchan leaned against Donghun’s chest. His feigned dramatic expression immediately fell when his eyes landed on the younger male, whose eyes were frozen on something ahead, looking shaken, face pale, trembling. Donghun had his chin rested on the younger’s shoulder, humming something quietly and seemed obvious of his state. Junhee’s first instinct was to reach for Yuchan’s hand and grasp it tightly. “Ch.. Channie baby.” He whispered younger’s name. Yuchan’s eyes snapped back to him, terrified. “Wh.. What’s wrong?” Junhee choked out, worry rushing through him. Donghun immediately snapped out of his daydream at the sound of his shaking voice.

“Channie?” He asked, looking slightly confused. Younger direct his attention to him.

“Un.. Uncle.” Yuchan stammered out. Junhee felt his heart being stuck in his throat at the mention of the loathsome man.

“Wh.. What about him?” He managed, breathlessly.

“I.. I see him.” Younger said, eyes glistening with unshed tears.

“Where?” Donghun suddenly turned alerted, hold iron around the younger’s trembling body. “Where is he, Chan?” Donghun asked, voice law. He sounded angry and he was. He was furious. There was a chance he wasn't going to miss.

“Are you sure, baby?” Junhee clasped Yuchan’s face with his shaking hands. Younger nodded and directed his eyes to something above Junhee’s shoulder. He followed Yuchan's line of sight until his eyes landed on the wickedly smiling man, looking at them from the small table near the ice-cream stall. _How dare he!_  Junhee wanted to walk up to him and punch the disgusting smile off his face. “Is.. Is that him at the table looking at us?” He asked for younger's confirmation, who managed to give him a slight nod. Junhee had never wished so hard he could kill someone just by looking at them. He wished his gaze could put the man through so much pain it made him wish for his own death. He wished he could terrify him just as he had terrified Yuchan, cause him as much pain as he caused to Yuchan. He wanted to made the man pay for every demage he had left on Yuchan's soul and body. 

“Do.. Don’t tell, Se.. Sehyoon.” Yuchan let out a plea, holding his tears back. He wouldn’t cry. He wouldn’t let his uncle see him crying. He was no longer afraid of him. He wasn’t alone. He had Donghun and Junhee by his side and his uncle wouldn’t be able to hurt him, not until they were with him, not until he was safely tackled between them. He wouldn't cry. He was no longer alone, he was no longer lost, he had been found and he wasn't afraid. He wouldn't let his uncle hurt him anymore, hurt Sehyoon ever again. He wouldn't let him take his happiness away. Yuchan was fearless, because Donghun and Junhee were beside him. 

“I need to pay him a visit.” Donghun said as he released Yuchan from his arms. He looked compose, face clear from any kind of expression that could give his feelings away. Yuchan immediately clung back onto his arm in desperate try to stop him.

“N.. No. You.. You can’t. He.. He will hurt you. You can’t, Hun.” He begged, pressing Donghun’s arm against his madly beating heart, preventing him from moving. He looked at Junhee for help, but the other male didn’t say anything except giving a slight nod to Donghun. Yuchan felt sick and terrified. He felt his fears crawling on his skin.

“He seems like he had been waiting for a long time and we can't keep him waiting, Channie.” Donghun told him, voice flat. This Donghun felt like a stranger. He scared Yuchan. "Tell Kwan to find me." Donghun turned to Junhee as he gently pushed Yuchan in the other’s arms. Younger thrashed around, hands reaching out for Donghun, gathering curious eyes of the strangers on the street. Junhee held him firmly and hurriedly led him back to the car while trying to calm him down. _He will be fine. He knows what he is doing. Just breath, Channie._ Junhee didn’t hear him, no matter how much Yuchan begged to let him go, to stop Donghun from going. He simply held him close to his chest and fully trusted Donghun to handle everything. Junhee was sure of Donghun. He was sure the other male would be alright, would be safe, knew what he was doing, so Yuchan fell numbly against his lover’s chest and decided to let Donghun take care of everything. He would be fine. They would be fine.

“Hun needs you.” Junhee told Byeongkwan as soon as he opened the car and helped Yuchan inside. Byeongkwan gave him a look, something Yuchan couldn’t understand, something, in some unfamiliar language only the best friends knew how to speak. A mere second later he was out of the car and hurriedly walking behind Donghun who was making his way to where the man that had destroyed Yuchan’s and Sehyoon’s lives sat and waited for them to come to him.

“Wh.. Channie.. What.. Is everything alright?” Sehyoon forced himself to tear his eyes away from Byeongkwan’s back and turned over in his seat to face the younger crying on the backseat. “Channie..” He choked out, hands reaching out to him.

“I.. I.. Uncle.. Don’t.. Don’t panic..” Yuchan stammered out as he felt panic rushing through him. His body reacted opposite of what he was telling his older brother to do. His sight started to turn blurry and felt control of his frantically shaking limbs slipping out of his grasp. He was being suffocated, buried alive. He gasped for air but felt like there was nothing but only bitter smoke left for him to breathe in. Just as his sight started to turn blank he felt two pair of arms grasping his numb hands tightly, pulling him back to reality. He had to fight back. He wouldn't let his uncle drag him inside the dark, bottomless abyss. He wasn't alone. He wasn't afraid.

 

*******

 

When Yuchan came back to consciousness Donghun was already there, smiling down at him lovingly. He cried out the older male’s name before throwing himself in his arms. Donghun was safe. Of course, he would be. Yuchan didn’t know why he doubted it in the first place. Donghun wasn't impulsive person. He wouldn’t do anything rushed if he wasn’t sure of making it out all right. Yuchan could never be afraid beside him, with him, with Junhee, with Sehyoon and Byeongkwan keeping him safe, out of harm's way.

 _Sehyoon._ His mind rang at the thought of his older brother. Yuchan’s head immediately snapped to the front, eyes searching for Sehyoon desperately. His older brother seemed to be asleep on the passenger seat, head lolling to the side, fingers grasping Byeongkwan’s hand tightly. He felt himself smile. Sehyoon was safe and alright. Just as he was. They would be fine. They weren’t alone in this fight with their uncle, with their past, with their own minds. They had found the right people. They had found people who were willing to fight for them when they thought they had no power left to continue fighting. They would keep each other safe. They would care for each other, love each other through all the good and bad waiting for them along the way.

“You will never have to worry about him again, Channie.” Donghun told him, gently turning Yuchan’s face back to him. He believed. He knew Donghun never made promises he wouldn’t be able to keep.

They wouldn’t have to worry about their uncle ever again. They had been lost, loveless, homeless, broken and terrified for so long, but such times were coming to an end, their wounds were starting to heal. They had found their family. A place they belonged to. Their true home. They would be safe. This was just the beginning. Their lives were slowly starting to begin and the greatest adventures were waiting on the way.

The sun was starting to rise high on the sky.

 

**Chapter Fifty-Nine**

 

“What did you and Byeongkwan do?” Yuchan asked while lying on top of the other male, chin rested on Donghun’s chest, legs tangled messily. Junhee was in the shower singing some unfamiliar song loudly.

“We just talked.” Donghun told him, pressing kiss on his head.

“About what?” Yuchan inquired, curious. He wanted to know everything in details. He wanted to know what Donghun and Byeongkwan had told their uncle, what made his uncle want to leave them alone, why he and Sehyoon didn’t have to worry about him ever again. But Donghun didn’t say anything no matter how many times he asked, how he tried to question him. The older man just gave him a gentle smile and a soft kiss and told him to not worry about it any longer.

“About not very nice things.” Donghun told him. Yuchan peered up at him. His smile didn’t seem genuine. It looked forced and tight, nothing like Donghun’s usual warm, soft smiles.

“You don’t want to tell me?” Yuchan murmured quietly, sitting up. Donghun placed his hands on the younger’s hips as he shook his head in return.

“I don’t.” He confirmed.

“Why?” Yuchan asked again, lips pursing out.

“Because there are things which are better not knowing.” Donghun told him, pulling him down. ”Sometimes it’s better to pretend nothing happened and move on.”

“But doesn’t it hurt to pretend?” Yuchan said, sad smile on his lips. It hurt him more when he had to pretend he was fine, when he had to pretend nothing was wrong, fake his smiles and get through the day only to start it again in the same way. He was tired of pretending. They didn't need to pretend anymore.

“Sometimes it does. Sometimes it doesn’t. This time it’s better to forget he ever existed.” Donghun told him, fingers gently running through Yuchan's curls.

“Have you ever forgotten someone existed?” Yuchan asked in childlike curiosity causing Donghun to smile.

“I have. I think we all have. It’s part of life to forget people, Channie, to try to move on. You can never fully forget them, but you learn to live without them. You learn to keep going without remembering details about them, without them surfacing on your mind. They always remain hidden somewhere in your mind, but they stop being part of your life, their presence slowly fades away and then completely disappears until there is nothing but only memories of them left behind. It takes time, but you learn to be happy without them, you stop letting them control your life. This is how I believe things work. Sometimes it’s better to stop asking questions and let the flow of the river take you along with it. It may lead you to better things or worse things, but the fear of worse shouldn’t stop you from trying. You can never be sure when the sky clears and the sun starts to shine. You have to keep going and when it does shine then you can proudly say you have gone through all kind of burns and thorns but still managed to survive. That’s when you can fully appreciate your happiness, importance of small things, preciousness of people life gives you, Channie. It will never be easy to be happy until you decide to find it in the smallest, simplest of things – like your and Junhee’s smiles. Sometimes it’s better to stop asking and leap in the water without knowing how to swim.” His last words made Yuchan giggle. Younger buried his face inside the crook of Donghun’s neck to hide his smile, causing Donghun to laugh with him. “That sounds like a stupid thing to do, doesn’t it?” Donghun asked and Yuchan nodded.

“It does, but that doesn’t mean it’s not right. I think.. I think I understand what you meant. If we don’t jump we will never know what could have happened if we did. Maybe suddenly we find out that we can swim and survive? Maybe we just foolishly drown ourselves while trying? But it’s better to die trying than not trying at all, right? Sometimes asking questions and knowing answers scare us from doing things we want to do in life and sometimes not asking questions and not knowing answers give us courage to take risks and find things we have always longed for, always wanted to have, to see. Didn’t you mean that we can’t appreciate things that truly matter to us without burning or scratching ourselves on the way? Maybe if we jump without knowing how to swim there will be someone looking from the side and come rushing to save us, to teach us how to swim? Like how you and Junhee saved me, taught me to swim?” Yuchan lifted himself on his elbows, gazing into Donghun’s eyes. The older male was looking at him with proud, loving smile on his face.

“You are a wise boy, Channie.” Donghun told him. Yuchan laughed at the sudden compliment. Donghun loved when Yuchan laughed or smiled. He loved when his lovers were happy, full of laughter and smiles. Donghun’s universe was simple. It held two bright stars shining brightly day and night. They were were always ready to guide him home whenever he felt lost somewhere on the dark road of his mind. He was happy he was in love with them and they were in love with him.

“I love you, Hun.” Yuchan murmured, kissing Donghun tenderly on the cheek.

“I love you, Channie.” He echoed back, fingers sneaking around the younger’s face and bringing their lips close to each other. It was innocent and gentle, full of sincerity. He loved how every kiss he shared with Yuchan was the same, but made him feel completely different things every time.

“I’m glad I found you and Junhee.” Yuchan whispered with dreamy smile on his face as he lowered himself and rested his cheek against Donghun’s cheek.

“We are glad we found you, Channie.” Donghun told him as his eyes locked with Junhee’s who was leaning against the doorframe, smiling at the sight of them lovingly. “Aren’t we, Jun?” He asked the other male. Yuchan’s eyes snapped to Junhee’s direction. Younger reached out with one hand and made a small gesture, silently asking Junhee to join them, which he did gladly.

“We are.” Junhee said as he crawled on top of the other two, stealing quick pecks from their lips. “I love you so much.” He whispered, wrapping them inside his embrace.

Donghun and Yuchan echoed his words back in unison causing him to laugh. They drove Junhee insane. He was sure they drove each other insane. They were drunk in love and none of them wanted to sober up from it. 

 

**Chapter Sixty**

 

Byeongkwan woke up in the middle of the night startled by heart wrenching cries. His first instinct was to look for Sehyoon, who had fallen asleep beside him not so long ago. The other male was writhing in agony on the other side of the bed, screaming and kicking at something invisible to Byeongkwan's eyes. He found himself shaking Sehyoon awake, calling his name over and over again. Sehyoon came back to consciousness with violent jolt, gasping for air, hands immediately pushing Byeongkwan away.

Sehyoon’s first words were terrified wail of “Don’t touch me!” as he struggled to untangle himself from the bed sheets and tried to keep Byeongkwan away from himself at the same time. He looked and sounded terrified, tears flowing down on his cheeks. Byeongkwan tried to fight off sudden waves of panic rushing through his body. Sehyoon continued pleading and crying. The same pattern of sentences leaving his lips. _Stop please. Don't hurt me. Don't touch me. Stop it._  Byeongkwan felt his heart breaking into pieces. 

“It’s me, Sehyoon.” He found himself whispering, arms reaching out for the other male. Sehyoon immediately swatted them away. “It’s me. Byeongkwan.” He tried again, collecting the struggling man in his arms, holding him whole tightly. “It’s only me.” He whispered, once, twice, until Sehyoon started to remember where he was, who he was with, until he remembered that Byeongkwan would never hurt him. “I’m not going to hurt you.” He said, pressing him close to his chest.

“You aren’t going to hurt me.” Sehyoon choked out. It wasn’t a question. It was desperate cry of reassurance for himself that Byeongkwan wouldn’t hurt him.

“I’m not going to hurt you.” Byeongkwan repeated, cradling the man in his arms. He wasn’t going to hurt him. He would never hurt him. No one would be able to hurt him ever again. “I’ll never hurt you, Sehyoon. You are safe with me.” Byeongkwan told him and felt Sehyoon’s fingers grasping onto his t-shirt tightly. He could feel Sehyoon's desperation just by it. Donghun should have let him kill their uncle.

“Don’t leave me please.” Sehyoon breathed out shakily. It was simple sentence, but it held so much desperation, so many fears, so many hopes and pleas within.

“I promise I will not, Sehyoon.” Byeongkwan promised before pressing his lips on the other's head, hugging him close. He felt Sehyoon's body go numb in his arms. He would never leave him. Sehyoon had started wildfire inside him and Byeongkwan was sure it would burn for eternity.

 


	19. Chapter 19

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi there.  
> Here's the new chapter. Hope you will like it.  
> Thank you so much for reading and leaving kudos and comments behind. I appreciate them so much.  
> I hope you guys are doing well.  
> I didn't get to fix mistakes, so I apologize for them.  
> Enjoy reading this chapter.  
> (^^-^^)

 

**Chapter Sixty-One**

 

 

Byeongkwan woke up at dawn just as faint light of sunshine started to sneak inside the hotel room, casting beautiful glow on his surroundings. Sehyoon was sleeping beside him, peaceful. The other man had fallen asleep in his arms after Byeongkwan had promised him to never leave his side, after they had exchanged quiet I need yous. He looked serene, worry and panic absent from his face, lowered eyelashes casting shadows on his naturally pink dusted cheeks. He looked beautiful. Peaceful Sehyoon was the most beautiful form of art ever created and Byeongkwan could stare at it for hours, for days, for weeks, for months, for years, for the rest of his life. He reached out and gently run his knuckles against the other’s soft skin. It felt tender under his touch. He gently pushed Sehyoon’s hair out of his face, wanting to see the other’s face fully uncovered, peacefulness evident on it. He felt Sehyoon shuddering under his touch, eyes blinking open instantly. But it wasn’t violent. It was nothing like yesterday night. Sehyoon was healing and slowly learning how to get used to his presence, how to make himself believe that Byeongkwan would never hurt him, that he was safe with Byeongkwan. Sehyoon’s hand reached up to his and grasped it with his fingers. Byeongkwan found himself holding his breath. He didn’t want Sehyoon to push him away. He didn’t. He took Byeongkwan’s hand and pressed a kiss on the back of it instead. Byeongkwan felt shivers running through him.

“Hey.” Sehyoon murmured. His voice blended with peacefulness surrounding them perfectly. Sehyoon blended with peacefulness perfectly. He was part of it. Both of them were. Byeongkwan liked it this way, this quiet, this peaceful, this calm.

“Am not I the one usually saying hey?” He asked, smile playing on his lips. Sehyoon smiled, but his eyes remained focused on something ahead.

“Say it then.” Sehyoon told him as his gaze slowly trailed on Byeongkwan’s face, causing his breath to catch. Sehyoon was breathtaking.

“Hey.” Byeongkwan murmured in return, leaning down in the other’s personal space, cautions, careful to not miss any sign of distress and fear from him. Sehyoon stayed still, eyes locked with Byeongkwan’s, breath held, entire body trembling.

Everything felt like a movie playing in slow motion. Their lips brushed against each other slightly and it was enough to send shivers down their spines. It felt magical – every brush, every touch, every emotion picked carefully, tenderly, both of them willing for each other’s touches. Kissing Sehyoon felt like dreaming. It felt unreal, but so real at the same time. It made him feel so many things, so many emotions, so many unsaid words, unexpressed feelings. It felt like a secret shared only between the lovers, hidden away from the world’s hands. It felt like a daydream Byeongkwan wanted to never wake up from. It felt like a daydream Byeongkwan wanted to never forget. He wanted to always remember this feeling – his mouth against Sehyoon’s, soft, gentle, longing. It held words they couldn’t say, didn’t know how to say. It contained emotions they didn’t know how to express, how to tell each other about their feelings. It shared so much, Byeongkwan didn’t know how it was possible for a kiss as innocent as this to held so much within. But it was Sehyoon and when it came to Sehyoon everything felt different, magical, the air around them, things filling the room, time that always stopped moving. The universe always played its part when it came to Sehyoon, when it came to his most treasured secret, the secret it had trusted Byeongkwan with. The secret Byeongkwan had vowed to treat gently and protect. The secret Byeongkwan would always hold dear.

The waves of magic brought by the kiss shared between them still remained when they fell apart. It lingered around them in the air, kissed their bare, uncovered skin. Sehyoon was part of magic and Byeongkwan was being exposed to its secrets.

“Hi.” Sehyoon murmured in his ear, breathlessly. Byeongkwan felt his heart willing to tear his chest. His hand resting on Sehyoon’s cheek was trembling. His entire being quivered.

He didn’t know how a kiss as innocent as this could contain so much power, leave so much aftereffects on him. He wondered if Sehyoon felt the same, if his heart was beating just as madly, if his mind went just as blank.

“Sehyoon.” Byeongkwan breathed out, voice quavered. Sehyoon was smiling up at him, his face lit by the sun light that had creeped upon them while they were stuck in their own eternity.

“Kiss me again.” Sehyoon whispered, eyes fluttering close.

He did.

He kissed him as innocently, as gently as ever and let the burning world engulf them in its flames.

 

*******

 

Byeongkwan couldn’t concentrate on driving at all and the reason of his distraction sat next to him on the passenger seat, head rested on his knees, gazing at Byeongkwan with peaceful expression on his face. Sehyoon has been acting slightly differently than his usual self since the moment he had opened his eyes. He seemed different, but in a good way. It eased Byeongkwan’s insanely beating heart, his worries. Sehyoon was more relaxed, less alerted, calm, as if he had finally decided to let the waves carry him along, take him somewhere afar, somewhere peaceful, somewhere good and beautiful. He was no longer absent from the car. He was listening and watching him intensely. As if he was trying to remember every move Byeongkwan made, every word he said, every expression that crossed his face. It made Byeongkwan feel nervous, but he wasn’t sure what he was being nervous about. Sehyoon wouldn’t find anything in him he had not seen already. The other man was simply admiring him. Byeongkwan felt Sehyoon's love through his gaze that seemed different. Sehyoon's eyes were different. They were warm and alive and it brought butterflies in Byeongkwan’s stomach back to life. Sehyoon made him nervous, but he loved the reason of his nervousness.

“We are finally nearing the seaside.” Junhee disturbed the comfortable silence filling the car causing everyone to turn their attention on him. He was leaned against the car door, hand swaying along the breeze out of the rolled down window.

“We are and I don’t want anyone mentioning leaving for at least a week. I’m sick of driving.” Byeongkwan complained, gazing through every single occupant on the car through the mirror to add more intimidation to his words. He wasn’t really sick of driving. He was sick of watching Sehyoon from the side, glancing at him only once in a while, while his best friends had enough comfort to glue themselves on Yuchan. He wanted to spend more time with Sehyoon, in peace, alone, hidden away inside their room from the entire universe.

“Got it.” Junhee smirked at him when their eyes met through the rearview mirror. Byeongkwan wanted to punch it off his best friend’s face. Sometimes he hated how easily and well they could read each other. They didn’t even have to try to understand what the other was feeling, implying, hiding. Byeongkwan shot him a look before turning his gaze back on the road. Junhee turned to Yuchan, who was trapped in Donghun’s arms, to engage him in their usual banter. Donghun had his eyes closed, but Byeongkwan was sure he wasn’t sleeping. He was simply enjoying their presence. Byeongkwan felt jealous. He wanted to hold Sehyoon in his arms like his best friends held each other and the youngest male. He wanted to have him trapped between his arms and chest. In the safest place he had promised Sehyoon he would keep him.

“Do you want me to drive?” A quiet, familiar voice pulled him out of his train of thoughts. He glanced at Sehyoon with confused eyes.

“Wh.. What?” Byeongkwan stuttered out. He didn’t know why he was feeling embarrassed. Sehyoon made him feel weird, unfamiliar things and emotions he had never really felt before.

“If you are tired I can drive.” Sehyoon repeated patiently, voice soft. Byeongkwan felt warmness spreading through him. He loved Sehyoon so much. He didn’t know he could love someone like this. He had never known love like this could exist somewhere.

“It’s okay.” He said as he reached out for Sehyoon’s hand. He felt nervousness filling him. But it disappeared instantly when Sehyoon laced his fingers with Byeongkwan’s and placed them intertwined in the small, free space between their seats.

Sehyoon was slowly learning how to take bigger steps. It was getting easier for his wounds to heal. The cracks on his soul were starting to close. Holding Byeongkwan’s hand brought him so much comfort and security. The burning sensation of their hands touching gave him so much strength, made him believe that there were things worth trying for, there were people worth fighting.

They knew sometimes all they would be able to do was to hold each other's hands. Sometimes all Byeongkwan would be able to do was to silently hold Sehyoon’s hand and let him fight against the darkness inside him. And it would be enough. Holding onto Sehyoon’s hand would be enough, because sometimes that was all they could do. Sometimes there was no better way to help. It would be enough as long as Byeongkwan’s hold reminded Sehyoon that there was someone waiting for him at the end of the darkness, there was always light beyond it. He just had to trust the gentle hand guiding him through the darkness and Sehyoon was slowly learning how to trust him. He was healing, slowly, but it meant something. It meant beginning of something else, something better, something happy. One step at a time was enough. They didn't need to rush in.

 

**Chapter Sixty-Two**

 

Junhee quietly observed the younger male sitting on the window sill, legs dangling outside, gazing at the calm, wavering sea spreaded out on the entire horizon. They had arrived at the house he had booked ahead an hour ago and Yuchan hadn’t moved from his place for more than half an hour. Junhee found himself contemplating whether to leave the younger alone or intervene in his space. His heart and the desire of pulling younger male in his arms won over him after a long battle and he found himself carefully walking to him, trying to not disturb the comfortable quiet. His arms sneaked around Yuchan’s waist, who tensed up before relaxing against his chest, smiling up at him. Junhee wanted to covered his face with kisses, but he settled with the one, long press of his lips on Yuchan’s forehead. Younger kissed him under the chin.

“Penny for your thoughts, love?” Junhee asked, rocking their bodies along the waves outside of their window.

“It’s.. It’s nothing.” Yuchan told him, hands holding onto Junhee’s arms tightly, gaze focused ahead.

“Are you sure?” Junhee tried again, because it obviously didn't look like nothing. Yuchan was seemingly troubled. He didn’t want the younger to hide his worries from him and Donghun and suffer in silence. He wanted Yuchan to tell them every worry of his, give them a chance to find solution for everything, make things better.

“I.. I’m.. I’m not.” Yuchan gave up with a heavy sigh, gazing up at Junhee through his eyelashes.

“Tell me what’s wrong.” He pressed younger closer, providing strength and comfort to him.

“I.. I want to swim.” Yuchan confessed, causing Junhee to raise a curious brow at him.

“And?” Junhee asked for further clarification.

“I can’t. Not like this.” Younger gestured to himself. Junhee felt sadness and anger crashing against each other at insane speed inside him. He gently made Yuchan to turn around on the sill and clasped his face with his hands.

“Not like what, Channie?” He asked, trying his best to not sound angered. He didn’t want to scare the younger away. He wasn't angry at Yuchan. He was furious at his uncle.

“I’m all bruised.” Yuchan managed. He kept biting down on his lower lip to prevent himself from crying. He didn’t want Junhee to worry. They couldn’t do anything about his scars and bruises. He had to be patient and wait until they were fully healed, until they looked slightly less ugly to look at than they did now.

“You are and we can't change that, Channie. But they tell a story, things you have overcome. It’s only up to you if you want to hide them forever or let them see the daylight. They won’t be anyone else’s business until you make them to be. They are part of your body. Yes, they were made against your will, they were forced on you, but you can’t do anything to change it now. You can keep hiding them or get up and embrace them as they are - hard to look at, but part of your story.”

“But.. But people wi.. will look.” Yuchan stuttered out, felt wetness on his cheeks. Junhee wiped his tears away with his thumbs, smiling down at him warmly.

“Let them look. People will always look, always try to meddle in, no matter what you look like, no matter what you do, Channie. So you might as well get up and do as you please. Stop hiding them. It’s normal to have scars and bruises. If someone thinks it’s not, if someone thinks it’s disgusting to look at just ignore them, because they aren’t worth worrying. They don’t know what it feels to have yourself shattered to pieces, they don’t understand the pain, the hardships, all the struggles you had to go through and fight. And they don’t need to. The only opinion that should matter is your own and people who truly love you. I love you and I’m telling you that you are beautiful with all your scars and bruises and what the others see when they look at you doesn’t matter. Because I know the real you, Donghun knows the real you and we love you for who you truly are - with all of your scars and bruises. What some strangers see is only surface. What I see is the entire universe inside you.” Junhee kissed Yuchan’s tears away, covered his entire face with tender kisses, held him until Yuchan felt sincerity of his words. “Go swimming with me.” Junhee offered as he took Yuchan’s hand in his and gently pulled the younger up from the window sill.

Yuchan loved swimming so much. It brought him so many old, precious memories back. He nodded and let Junhee slip his t-shirt off his head. He didn’t need to be ashamed of his scars and bruises. They were reminder of the battles he had to fight and won. It was sign of the cruelty world had brought upon him and it was sign of the survival. He would go out and wouldn’t be ashamed. He had survived and he would carry on.

 

*******

 

“Careful you two!” Familiar voice warned just as Junhee chased giggling Yuchan out of the house, causing them to instantly come to a halt before whirling around on their heels. Donghun was holding two large boxes in his arms. Byeongkwan was trailing behind him arms as full as the other male.

“Hun!” They both called out in unison as they bounded up to smiling Donghun. Byeongkwan teasingly rolled his eyes at them, muttering something under his breath, receiving a glare from Junhee and a mischievous smile from Yuchan in return.

“How many times do I have to say no running around, Jun?” Donghun told them as Junhee took one of the boxes out of his arms and him and Yuchan carried it together back to the house.

“As many as I forget?” Junhee shot him a wide grin, causing Yuchan to giggle and Donghun to feign a sigh.

“You are lucky my hands are full right now.” Donghun tried to threaten, but couldn’t fight the warm smile off his face. Junhee sent him a kiss before pushing the door open for everyone to walk in.

“Where is Sehyoon?” Byeongkwan asked as he stepped inside the house. He and Donghun had left to get some necessary supplies after dropping the other three off.

“He was still sleeping few minutes ago.” Yuchan told him as he helped Junhee place the box on the kitchen counter. He caught Byeongkwan glancing at his bare arms for less than a second, but the other male's expression remained the same. Byeongkwan gave him a slight nod before turning his attention back to the boxes in his arms. Yuchan didn’t feel bothered or uncomfortable. It was okay. He would get used to wearing sleeveless t-shirts and shorts. One day he would feel completely comfortable in his own skin, unbothered by his old scars and bruises. “We were going swimming, Hun.” Yuchan told the older male, excited. Donghun turned surprised eyes on him.

“Were you?” He asked and Yuchan nodded eagerly. Junhee wrapped his arms around Yuchan’s waist and pressed younger’s back against his chest.

“Come with us.” Junhee offered, but it wasn’t really an offer. Donghun had to go with them. He didn’t have a chance to say no.

“We have to take care of this first.” Donghun gestured to the boxes on the kitchen counter, but the other two ignored his attempt.

“It can wait.” Junhee said, sounding firm. “Channie wants to swim, don’t you, Channie?” He asked yuchan sweetly. Byeongkwan snorted loudly behind the oldest male.

Yuchan nodded, lips pursed out. He immediately caught on what Junhee was trying to do, leaving Donghun zero chance to refuse their offer. He couldn’t say no to one of them, how would he be able to decline two?

“I can only offer my pity.” Byeongkwan said as he patted Donghun on the shoulder before walking out of the kitchen, leaving his best friend alone to deal with his pouting lovers. Donghun sighed in defeat.

“Let me get changed.” He mumbled and hurriedly made his way out of the room. Junhee and Yuchan trailed behind him, whining about hurrying up and how they were already tired of waiting. Donghun wanted to scold them for annoying him, but they sounded and looked so cute and were enjoying themselves so much, he didn’t have a heart to do so. He just gave them a look before digging in his backpack for some spare clothes. This two were going to be handful when they would want to get their way with him.

 

*******

 

Byeongkwan gently knocked on the door of Sehyoon’s bedroom. He didn’t want to disturb the other male, but he also didn’t want to be left alone, dying from the boredom while the others enjoyed themselves outside. He hoped Sehyoon was awake and would want to keep him some company. He heard quiet come in before slowly pulling the door ajar. Sehyoon was sitting in front of the window, chin rested on his hands, looking outside. The soft sea breeze was freely moving inside the room, bringing inside fresh smell of seaside.

“Is it okay if I stay with you?” Byeongkwan asked as he patiently waited on the doorway. Sehyoon turned his head to look at him. He nodded and Byeongkwan quietly walked inside the room, careful to not make any unnecessary sound. Sehyoon gestured him to the chair next to him before turning his attention back to the shore. “It’s peaceful here.” Byeongkwan said as he pulled his chair closer to Sehyoon's, sitting down near the other male. He wanted to be close to him, as close as it was possible. As close as it was comfortable for Sehyoon. As close as Sehyoon let him.

“I like it here.” Sehyoon told him as he leaned back in his chair, eyes slowly trailing on Byeongkwan’s face. Byeongkwan had learned that Sehyoon liked such places, deserted from people, quiet, still. It brought him peace, something he had been searching for so long. He liked such places too. He liked being part of such places with Sehyoon. He liked it when Sehyoon was with him, in his presence, in his company. “I.. I think..” Sehyoon started but trailed off, trying to gather his thoughts, find the right words to explain his feelings. Byeongkwan turned his attention fully on him, listening to his soft breathing, his loudly beating heart. “I think I like anywhere with you.” Sehyoon told him as his fingers brushed against Byeongkwan’s. Byeongkwan felt himself shivering. He laced them together, tightening his grasp around Sehyoon’s hand. Sehyoon liked being with him, beside him. Sehyoon would like anywhere with Byeongkwan. Just as Byeongkwan would. Just as Byeongkwan did.

“Anywhere with you is heaven, Sehyoon.” He told him before pressing his lips on the back of Sehyoon’s hand. Any place in the universe would be heaven if Sehyoon was beside him, if they were together, if the fire in their hearts kept burning. Their heaven could be a place on earth if he had Sehyoon, if Sehyoon had him. If they had each other, souls mending, hands grasping each other tightly. Anywhere with them would be heaven, their own paradise. They loved each other and they would love every place that contained little parts of them, their warmness, soft sounds of their beating hearts.

 

**Chapter Sixty-Three**

 

Byeongkwan woke up shivering, room dimly lit by the lamp, curtains swaying from the chilly sea breeze coming through the open window. Sehyoon was gone from his side. He felt uncomfortable churning in his stomach. He reached for his cell phone lying on the window sill beside the bed. It was past midnight. He got up and carefully slipped out of the room, cautious to not disturb the others. He heard loud laughter coming from the downstairs and hurriedly walked off to the direction of the sound. His heart was starting to pick a beat. The realization was just starting to settle in. Sehyoon was gone. He hadn’t heard him leave. He peeked inside the living room, hopeful to see the other male, to be greeted by the sight of laughing Donghun and Junhee, who were watching something on the TV, sprawled out on the couch. He cleared his throat before walking inside the room, catching his best friends’ attention immediately.

“Oh, good to see you.” Junhee shot him a teasing smile as he sat up on the couch and patted free space beside him. Byeongkwan sat down next to them.

“Have you seen Sehyoon?” He asked and recieved a gentle, knowing smile from his best friends.

“He went out with Channie to get some fresh air.” Donghun told him as he pulled Junhee back in his arms.

“Was he alright?” He asked again, worried. He had hoped that Sehyoon would wake him up if something didn't seem right, if he needed someone to walk to.

“He was. Don’t worry.” Donghun reached over Junhee’s shoulder to pat him on the back. Byeongkwan shot him a thankful look.

“So how are you two doing?” Junhee asked and turned the TV off. Both of his best friends’ attention fully turned on him. Byeongkwan leaned against the couch. _How were he and Sehyoon doing?_   They were doing well, better than he had expected. Sehyoon was starting to show signs of healing. They were doing well. They were happy.

“He’s getting much better. He feels more comfortable with me now.” Byeongkwan told them with dream-like smile playing on his lips, events of the previous day flashing in his mind. Sehyoon felt comfortable with him. Sehyoon felt safe and happy with him. They were doing fine.

“Glad to know, Kwannie.” Junhee told him as he took Byeongkwan’s hand in his and gently squeezed it. “You should be happy.”

“So should you two.” Byeongkwan smiled at him, grateful. They all should be happy. Five of them. Happiness was what they deserved. “How are you?” He asked just as Yuchan’s loud, cheerful laughter reached inside the house from the outside, causing both Donghun and Junhee to unintentionally smile.

“Heavenly. He’s so precious, Kwannie.” Junhee said as Donghun tightened his arms around his boyfriend’s shoulders.

“I saw bruises on his arms and legs today.” Byeongkwan told them, referring to the evening he had come across younger’s always well hidden scars and bruises.

“He wanted to go swimming, but was afraid of showing skin.” Junhee explained. “I had to persuade him. I have never hated someone so much in my life. I will loathe their uncle until the day I die. He’s all bruised, Kwannie.” Byeongkwan could hear unshed tears and pain in his best friend’s voice. He only saw small parts of them, but they were enough to give him an idea of how much younger had to go through and endure in his life.

“He’s fine now, Jun.” Donghun told him, trying to comfort the other. “He’s healing. Channie is a strong boy. He will be fine.” It wasn’t reassurance meant for only Junhee. It was also meant for himself.

“I know. He has been taking larger steps recently. They, both are so strong and brave.” Junhee said just as the door of their house slammed open and close. Few seconds later Yuchan paddled inside the room, hugging himself. He beaming at the sight of them instantly.

“Why is it so cold?” He muttered quietly before bounding over to the couch and comfortably squishing himself between Donghun and Junhee.

“Here let us keep you warm.” Junhee pulled the younger in his arms, sandwiching him between his and Donghun’s bodies. Yuchan pressed a kiss on Junhee’s temple before wriggling around to press one under Donghun’s chin.

“Is Sehyoon still outside?” Byeongkwan asked, catching younger’s attention. Yuchan turned to him, smiling. He looked brighter than the sun even at night.

“He’s sitting on the bench outside.” Yuchan nodded before completely burying himself between the other two males. Byeongkwan quietly slipped out of the living room, leaving the trio in their own heaven.

 

*******

 

Sehyoon sat down on the small bench just outside of their house as he watched Yuchan skip inside. His younger brother had been talking excitedly about swimming non-stop, making Sehyoon’s heart bounce in happiness. Yuchan seemed untroubled and at ease, full of life and happiness. He wasn’t afraid of showing his bruises anymore. Yuchan was healing steadily, fast. He was moving on. He was living in present, enjoying every moment in life, sharing his happiness with the others. He was full of life, full of light, full of sunshine. He was making Sehyoon want to heal like him, as fast, as well as him. But he also knew he wasn’t like the younger. He was different. The steps he took were smaller and more cautious than Yuchan’s flying leaps. But it still meant something. His small steps didn’t need to be compared to his brother’s. Everyone healed differently, at different speed, at different times. Maybe his healing would take much longer, but at least he would heal. Some day. One day. He would be able to say I’m healed. Scarred but still living. Scarred but happy. Scarred but in love. Byeongkwan had been shaping his entire world differently, showing him different ways, giving him a choice to choose the one that felt the most comfortable to him. Byeongkwan was there to guide him, reminding him that his small steps would make a huge difference one day, reminding him that he didn’t need to compare his recovery to someone else’s as they were all different, had different ways to cope, to see the things. Byeongkwan was guiding him on the rough, long path of healing and Sehyoon found it easier, more enjoyable to heal, walking through all the thorns and burns didn’t feel so difficult anymore. He had Byeongkwan by his side. Byeongkwan, who held onto his hand and guided him. Byeongkwan who celebrated and cherished every small step Sehyoon took. Who was always proud of him, of the courage he had been gathering lately. Byeongkwan made his healing process easier and Sehyoon found himself wanting to make the other male proud, wanting to see the proud, delightful expression caused by his small improvements adorning Byeongkwan’s face.

Quiet sound of footsteps caught his attention, pulling him out of his trace. He turned his head, expecting to see Yuchan coming back, to be greeted by Byeongkwan who smiled at him when their eyes met, their faces dimly illuminated by the street lights.

“Hey.” Byeongkwan greeted as he sat down next to him, keeping small distance between them. He loved how Byeongkwan was always so considerate of him, of his fears and worries, how he always gave him enough space to breath freely, always gave him a choice and time to figure out what he wanted, what he needed.

“Hi.” He greeted back. This way of greeting had become their habit, a habit Sehyoon was starting to love. It was simple, but meant so much to him.

“I didn’t hear you leave.” Byeongkwan started simply. Sehyoon had wanted to wake him and warn him that he wanted to go for a walk, but Byeongkwan had been sleeping so peacefully, so at ease he couldn’t bring himself to wake him up. He had disturbed Byeongkwan’s sleep enough times.

“I didn’t want to wake you up.” Sehyoon told him, hoping the other would understand. He was sure Byeongkwan would understand. He always did.

“It’s okay. You didn’t have to. We all need some time alone to ourselves.” Byeongkwan said, gazing at the sea beautifully lit by moonlight, rocking wildly on the horizon.

Byeongkwan's words were followed by comfortable silence. Sehyoon found himself inching closer to the other male, fingers brushing against Byeongkwan's, asking for a permission silently. Byeongkwan laced their fingers together, resting them on his lap. 

"I feel safe when I'm holding your hand." Sehyoon whispered and felt the other man's grip tightening around his hand. He felt safe when Byeongkwan was holding his hand.

"I feel happy when I'm holding your hand." Byeongkwan returned, gentle smiling on his face. Sehyoon smiled back and let silence take over them once again. It didn't last long as few minutes later he felt Byeongkwan shifting next to him, urging Sehyoon to face him. 

"Chan and you will go back with us, won't you?" Byeongkwan asked suddenly, putting voice to the question that have been bothering him for days. 

"We will. We will go anywhere with you, Byeongkwan, because everywhere with you is safe." Sehyoon told him as he got up and tugged Byeongkwan's hand, silently asking the other to follow him. "I want to show you something."

Byeongkwan let himself be carried away with Sehyoon, who had soft, content smile gracing his lips, walking under the moonlight together, in love and happy.

They had found their own heaven on earth. They had found it in each other's hands.

 


	20. Chapter 20

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi there.  
> It's been a while. I hope all of you are doing well.  
> Put up with this mess of a chapter for a while please. There's only one last chapter of this story left and it will be up soon, maybe tomorrow or the day after tomorrow, depends on how long my inspiration will cooparate.  
> Thank you so much for reading and leaving kudos and comments behind. I appreciate them a lot.   
> I didn't get to fix mistakes, so I apologize for them.  
> Enjoy reading this chapter.

 

**Chapter Sixty-Four**

 

Yuchan sat on the kitchen counter, humming to himself, soft smile playing on his lips as he watched Donghun move swiftly around the room, cooking breakfast, that was already starting to smell delicious, for everyone. They had given up and left Junhee on his own in the bed after the other male had refused to get up and continued his sleep like a bear waiting for winter to pass. Yuchan had tried to poke him awake, but gave up after Donghun suggested making breakfast for him and the others. The older male had given him a piggyback ride, filling the entire house with Yuchan’s merry giggles. He didn’t know Donghun could cook, but he found himself daydreaming at the sight of the older male preparing various dishes effortlessly for everyone. Yuchan was sure he could sit and watch Donghun cook forever. It was a beautiful sight. The older male was enjoying his humming, giving him gentle, warm smiles whenever their eyes locked – which happened a lot. It was a beautiful day. Yuchan wished every other day in their life to be like this - lovely and calm. He liked watching Donghun cook, while knowing Junhee, Sehyoon and Byeongkwan slept peacefully upstairs. It felt like a whole, normally functional family. It made him feel all warm and fuzzy. He liked thinking about them this way, as a family – happy, beautiful, loving one. Something he had been searching for so long and finally found.

“Here baby, try this.” Donghun’s gentle voice brought him back to the present, his daydream shaping itself into reality. Yuchan’s lost eyes focused on the elder, giving him a warm smile in return. Donghun was holding out a glass of juice for him. Yuchan took it out of the other’s hand, mumbling quiet thank you in return, causing Donghun to laugh. “Why are you suddenly so shy?” Donghun asked, smiling, as Yuchan took a sip out of the glass. It tasted fresh. He liked it.

“I’m not shy.” Yuchan murmured, tips of his ears turning red. Donghun laughed as he cupped Yuchan’s face and pulled the younger closer.

“You shouldn’t be.” Donghun told him before stealing a quick kiss from Yuchan’s lips. “Doesn't it taste too sweet?” He asked.

“It doesn't. I like it.” Yuchan told him, cheeks dusted in pink. Donghun nodded before turning back to cutting vegetables.

“Are you sure you don’t want me to help?” Yuchan asked after a while when redness of his cheeks disappeared and his heart found its regular pace. A smile that crossed Donghun’s face was so warm, Yuchan found himself melting by the sight. He loved when Donghun smiled like that. It was so beautiful. It was the kindest smile Yuchan had ever seen in his entire life.

“Yes. You being here is enough.” Donghun put the knife away in order to pat him on the cheek. Yuchan leaned in the touch. The older male always knew what to say to make him feel cherished and loved.

“I’m going to be always here then.” Yuchan told him, grinning, as he placed his hand over Donghun’s.

“Of course, you are going to be always here.” Donghun pressed his lips on Yuchan’s forehead before turning back to his dishes once more. Yuchan tried to fight off his daydream. The reality felt much better. He didn’t want to miss a second.

He continued humming the familiar tune, legs swaying back and forth, sipping the juice Donghun had made for him, as he watched the older male move around the kitchen effortlessly, place to place, dish to dish. It didn’t take long for the whole house to be filled with delicious smell. Yuchan found himself swallowing saliva. Everything smelled mouthwatering. He couldn’t wait to devour everything older male had made for them with so much care and love.

“Channie, could you please wake up Jun and the others?” Donghun asked as he started to set the table. Yuchan nodded before pushing himself off from the kitchen counter and skipping out of the room.

Sehyoon's bedroom was the closest to the staircase and he decided to wake up his older brother first. He gently knocked on the door, careful to not startle the older. No response came from the other side. He tried again, but got only silence in return. This wasn't like Sehyoon at all. He slowly creaked the door open, peeking inside. Both, Sehyoon and Byeongkwan were sleeping soundlessly on the bed, curled up in each other’s arms. Yuchan found himself smiling. They looked peaceful. He carefully paddled inside the room. He didn’t want to wake them up, but he also didn’t want Donghun’s hard work to go in waste at the same time.

“Sehyoon.” He softly called his older brother’s name. Sehyoon’s brows furrowed. “Sehyoon.” He tried once more and a second later his brother’s eyes blinked open. Sehyoon gave him a gentle smile when his gaze landed on Yuchan, unconsciously burying himself in Byeongkwan’s side before realizing what was happening and jolting up in a sitting position.

“Ch.. Channie.” He stammered out, face turning red. Yuchan giggled. Byeongkwan murmured something and shifted closer to Sehyoon, but didn't wake up.

“Good morning.” He greeted in a hushed voice and Sehyoon mumbled quiet good morning back. “Hun made breakfast for everyone.” Yuchan announced, proud smile dancing on his lips.

“Oh. We.. I will.. Give us a few minutes.” Sehyoon told him in a hushed voice, his attention split between his younger brother and his lover. Yuchan nodded before skipping out of the room, eyes glinting mischievously, wide smile plastered on his contented face.

He bounded inside his own room, where Junhee was still curled up on the bed, sheets thrown aside, hugging himself as soft sea breeze filled their room. Yuchan sat down beside the other male on the bed, fingers ghosting over Junhee’s bare shoulder. He felt Junhee shiver at the touch. 

“Jun?” He whispered softly. Junhee’s brows creased. “Junnie?” He tried again and laughed when he noticed the other male attempting to suppress a smile. Junhee’s eyes remained closed, but he was awake. “Hun made breakfast.” Yuchan told him just as Junhee’s arms sneaked around his waist and pulled him down against the other’s chest. Junhee tickled his sides, younger's loud giggles filling the house. The older male buried Yuchan in his embrace, squeezing him in adoration and inhaling his scent.

“I missed you.” Junhee whispered against his hair. Yuchan felt his heart swelling in warmth.

“You should have come with us.” He mumbled, still disappointed by the fact that Junhee had chosen sleep over him and Donghun and didn't join him in observing their other lover working so diligently to prepare breakfast for everyone.

“I shouldn’t leave you alone with Hun for long.” The older male tried to sound hurt by the younger's remark before giving in the urge of placing a kiss on top of Yuchan’s head, pressing him closer.

“I missed you too.” Yuchan murmured against the other’s chest.

“Trying to make it better? Too late.” Junhee grinned at him before tackling him down on the bed and tickling his sides causing Yuchan to thrash around the bed, squirming and giggling. He was breathless by the time Junhee got tired of torturing him and fell on the bed next to him, yawning like a feline. “Did he make the juice?” Junhee asked few seconds later, playing with Yuchan’s fingers.

“He did.” Younger confirmed and got startled by Junhee, who instantly sat up on the bed at his words, beaming down at him.

“Let’s go then.” He said and tugged Yuchan out of the bed, younger male trailing behind him like a confused puppy.

 

*******

 

Yuchan looked around the table, bright smile etched on his lips. He was wondering if this was how mornings with family felt - Donghun and Junhee on his sides, Sehyoon and Byeongkwan across him, glancing and smiling at each other shyly once in a while. Yuchan wished for every morning to be like this - serene, full of silent, but meaningful glances and touches, beautiful. He felt home. They made him feel at home.

“Eat this, baby.” Donghun and Junhee said in unison as they placed different things on Yuchan’s plate, three of them instantly bursting into loud laughter, earning questioning looks from Sehyoon and Byeongkwan who were forced out of their own world, somewhere far from here.

“Don’t spoil him so much.” Byeongkwan teased, grinning. Sehyoon’s gentle eyes rested on Yuchan, who was squished between laughing Donghun and Junhee.

“Oh, Kwannie, you don’t need to worry.” Junhee wiggled his brows at his best friend, silently exchanging their thoughts through gestures. Byeongkwan shot him a look before returning to his plate. Junhee nudged Yuchan on the side, urging him to continue eating his breakfast. Younger picked up his fork again, eyes meeting Sehyoon’s in the process. His older brother gave him a gentle smile and Yuchan felt warmness spreading through him. They had found their home. They were happy and safe with the three best friends. He returned his brother’s smile, putting his thoughts and feelings in the simple gesture. He knew Sehyoon would understand. He was sure Sehyoon felt the same. He could see happiness in his older brother’s eyes. He could no longer see terror and fear in them. He could only see peacefulness resting inside Sehyoon’s dark eyes – stars shining out of them from time to time. Sehyoon’s eyes were coming back to life. It was no longer absent from them. They were starting to fill with different emotions, emotions that were opposite of fear and darkness, opposite of what had made home inside them in all these years. He could see calmness inside them. Sehyoon was happy. Sehyoon wanted to live. Sehyoon was healing. Sehyoon was fighting back. Sehyoon was alive. Just like he was. They were fighting for their lives, their dreams, their hopes and happiness. And the reasons of their healing sat beside them around the table – chattering, smiling, laughing, sharing looks and quiet touches. Yuchan felt heppy. He was starting to learn how it felt to be part of a family, how it felt to call someone home, how it felt to be someone’s home, someone’s happiness, someone’s reason to smile, someone’s reason to live. He was happy. He felt loved.

“Can we always stay like this?” He found himself asking, catching everyone’s attention in process. He didn’t mean to ask the question out loud. He was just thinking to himself, he was just wishing silently for them to be always like this, like a family in love.

“Like what, Channie?” Donghun asked as he placed his hand on Yuchan’s thigh, squeezing it in a gentle manner.

“Like this. Li.. like us. Like a.. like a family.” Yuchan stuttered out, eyes lowered. He wanted them to be always happy. To be always together. He wanted to start the day with them and end it with them by his side. He wanted them to be part of his life and he wanted to be part of their lives. He wanted to call them family. He wanted all five of them to be a family – a whole, functional, happy one. A family he had once lost and found again.

“I promise we are always going to be like this.” Donghun told him and Yuchan knew he never broke his promises. They were going to be with each other forever.

“I promise too. We are a family, Channie. We are always going to be. Five of us. Nothing and no one can change this.” Junhee added as he wrapped his arms around the other two, pulling them inside his embrace. Yuchan found himself peeking at Sehyoon and Byeongkwan across the table through Junhee's arms. Both men smiled at him in return, nodding at what Donghun and Junhee had said.

“Family.” Byeongkwan said, taking a small pause. “I like that.” He added as he took Sehyoon’s hand in his, directing his smile to his lover.

“Me too.” Sehyoon murmured, shy smile widening on his lips.

A family. Yuchan thought about the word and the deep meaning it held for each of them as he continued eating breakfast with the people he loved, with the people he had learned to call his home. They had found each other not a long ago, but they were to starting to build homes out of each other’s arms, arms that were shielding them from any harm life could possibly hold for any of them. They had found each other not a long ago, but they knew they had finally stumbled upon the right place, the right people.

They were becoming a family.

They were becoming the cause of each other's happiness and Yuchan thought that that was how true homes were made - with happiness and love.

 

**Chapter Sixty-Five**

 

A soft sigh left Sehyoon’s lips as he watched his younger brother run around the beach while his lovers chased after him, their merry laughter filling the atmosphere around them. There weren’t many people on the beach besides them. It was deserted, but nice. Just how Sehyoon loved it. Watching the waves rock lazily across the horizon made him feel relaxed.

“Is something wrong?” Byeongkwan asked as he rested his chin on Sehyoon’s shoulder, arms wrapped around the other male’s waist tightly.

“I feel so happy, Byeongkwan.” Sehyoon whispered as he let himself relax in the other’s arms, enjoying the warmness of his skin.

“You deserve to be happy, Sehyoon.” Byeongkwan told him, pressing a tender kiss on the side of Sehyoon’s neck. Sehyoon deserved to be happy. He deserved to be the happiest person on the earth. He deserved to be loved and happy and Byeongkwan was willing to give him both, love and happiness.

“Sometimes I wonder if I am dreaming.” Sehyoon confessed, eyes still glued on his younger brother, who was trying to push Donghun in the water, while Junhee splashed water on them from the side.

“Does it scare you?” Byeongkwan asked, but he was sure it did. Sometimes he also thought he was dreaming. Sometimes he thought he would wake up and Sehyoon would be gone. He was afraid that Sehyoon was part of his wishful thinking, someone Byeongkwan’s mind had pieced together out of his loneliness.

“It does. A lot. Sometimes I go to sleep wondering if you will be still there when I wake up. Sometimes when I wake up, I don’t want to open my eyes thinking that I’m back to my old room in his house, but then I feel your presence beside me, I hear your soft breathing, your heart beating against your chest, your fragrance filling the room and I realize that I wasn’t dreaming, I realize that you are real and you are beside me, that I am no longer alone and I have you, Byeongkwan.” Sehyoon told him, clutching onto Byeongkwan’s arms around him tightly. Sometimes he would wake up and lay in bed motionless for minutes, not daring to open his eyes, afraid that Byeongkwan was gone just like a beautiful dream visiting him at night. His heart would bounce in happiness, every time his mind registered Byeongkwan’s precense by his side, his body would react automatically, eyes blinking wide open, inching closer to the other male, trying to prove himself that Byeongkwan wasn't gone. Byeongkwan was real. He wasn’t dreaming. This was his life.

“I also feel the same way sometimes.” Byeongkwan admitted, pulling Sehyoon close against his chest. “But I love the exact moment when I realize that I’m not dreaming and you are real. I’m so glad I found you, Sehyoon.” Byeongkwan said, voice quivered. He loved waking up beside Sehyoon and realizing that he was real, realizing that he was Byeongkwan’s, realizing that he had decided to trust him, to love him, to let Byeongkwan heal him and be by his side. Every morning he felt like he fell in love with him all over again and he would keep falling in love with Sehyoon for each new morning to come. He loved the idea of falling in love with him again and again, realizing that Sehyoon loved him back, considered him his. Byeongkwan was glad he had somehow crossed Sehyoon's path.

“I love you, Byeongkwan.” Sehyoon whispered as he turned around to face the other male. He loved looking into Byeongkwan’s warm, brown eyes. They made him feel safe and loved.

“I love you too, Sehyoon.” Byeongkwan whispered back and felt his voice starting to tremble. He loved it when Sehyoon uttered quiet confessions to him, shared and heard only between them, felt with every fiber of their beings, only between the lovers.

“Can I.. can I kiss you?” Sehyoon asked causing a gentle smile to appear on Byeongkwan’s lips. He nodded in return. Of course, he could. Sehyoon could kiss him anytime, anywhere. Byeongkwan loved when they kissed. It set him ablaze and made him feel alive.

It took Sehyoon few seconds to gather his courage. Their lips met, slow and cautious, and the time stood still as the only witness of their love. It was such moments that made them so sure that they were not dreaming, that they were awake, real and alive. It was slight brush of their lips that made them feel how real, how strong, how beautiful it was what they shared. It was such innocent gestures that made them feel the power of their love. Sehyoon was glad he had found Byeongkwan. Byeongkwan brought him something he hadn’t felt in years – happiness and love. He wished he could bring as much happiness to Byeongkwan. He wished he could love Byeongkwan just as much. He wished they could be this happy and in love for the rest of their lives, when the time would decide it had witness every secret touch and glance.

“I’m so glad I found you, Byeongkwan.” Sehyoon whispered and felt Byeongkwan’s lips burning against his mouth.

They were glad they had found each other.

 

**Chapter Sixty-Six**

 

“Channie, they are burning.” Donghun warned as he urged the younger to move his marshmallow stick away from the fire. It was in the middle of the night, but five of them were out on the beach, enjoying each other’s presence and the beautiful night sky looking down on them, providing shelter to every wandering soul on the earth. Yuchan had dreamy smile on his lips, staring into the flames, marshmallows completely forgotten.

“Oh, I forgot.” Younger mumbled as he pulled the stick away from the fire. He had been daydreaming a lot recently. He felt so happy and distracted. He felt like he was floating in the air. He had been trying to imagine his future, their future, how it would be like when they would go back, how their lives would change, how it would feel living alone with Donghun and Junhee, how it would feel to have a place you could call home, a place you could look forward to return to, a place that held so many memories of your lovers. Excitement and worry have been filling him at the same time. He felt worried about having to part ways with Sehyoon even though they were not really parting away from each other as Junhee had assured him that Byeongkwan only lived few minutes walk away from their apartment building and they would see each other as much as their hearts desired.

“What keeps you distracted?” Junhee asked as he nuzzled his face in Yuchan’s neck, causing the younger to giggle at the touch.

“Nothing. I was just thinking about how happy I am.” Yuchan said as his gaze landed on Sehyoon on the other side of the campfire. His older brother was smiling at something Byeongkwan was telling him, shoulders touching, heads leaned close to each other.

“How happy are you?” Junhee asked , smiling. He knew the answer. He could see the answer in Yuchan’s eyes that were light by the fire, stars shining inside them.

“I’m so happy, Jun.” Yuchan said as he put the stick away on the ground and intertwined his fingers with both, Donghun’s and Junhee’s, pulling them closer.  “I have never been this happy in my life.” He added as Donghun brought their hands together and gathered them in a single touch.

“You make us so happy, Channie.” Donghun whispered, pressing a kiss on Yuchan’s cheek, causing him to blush.

“You make me so happy.” Junhee said as he leaned forward to steal kisses from his lovers’ lips before engulfing them in his arms.

“The sky is so beautiful.” Donghun whispered few minutes later when silence started to spread around them, only quiet sound of wood cracking and the sea dancing under the moonlight disturbing the quiet night. He had his head rested on Yuchan’s chest, looking up at the clear, starry sky, while Junhee pressed them as close to himself as it was physically possible, legs and arms dangling around them.

“It is.” Yuchan agreed, fingers playing with Donghun’s hair. “It’s peaceful.” He added and let the silence take over them, cover everything in its comfortable blanket, soothe the lost souls with its gentle touches.

Yuchan could hear quiet sound of shuffling and whispers coming from the other side of the fire. He lifted his head up to peek at Sehyoon and Byeongkwan. His older brother and the other male were up to their feet, walking toward the sea hand in hand. “I feel so happy.” Yuchan whispered to himself as he laid his head back down on the sand, Donghun and Junhee pressed close against him.

He was coming to understand how true happiness felt – knowing that people you love and care about are safe, beside you, happy and in love.

They were happy. 

After all, maybe happy endings weren't only part of the old fairy tales their mother used to tell them before bed.

Maybe everyone could have their happy ending if they had enough courage.

Yuchan thought he had found his courage.

He thought, he and Sehyoon had found happy endings of their lives.

 


	21. Chapter 21

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello everyone.  
> There goes the final chapter of this story. I hope it's not disappointing and won't make you feel like you have wasted your time following progress of the story and its chracters chapter by chapter.  
> Thank you so much for taking your time to read this story and leave kudos and comments behind. I appreciate every single one of them so much.  
> I really hope this story was able to touch some of your hearts, make you see the world in different shades and taught you something new that you can use in life, while loving someone or caring for someone you hold dear to your hearts.  
> Writing this story had been a great pleasure to me. It had eased my mind so many times.  
> I wanted to say a lot of things, but I can't think of anything right now.  
> I feel kind of sad now that it's certain that this story is ending. There will be one more extra chapter (maybe few more in the future). I don't think I can completely give up on this story line.  
> I have a lot of unfinished A.C.E fics, I type hurriedly whenever I have some inspiration and time and I'm thinking about working on one of them again. If it turns out worthy enough, I will be posting it here.  
> I didn't get to fix mistakes as usual, so I apologize for them.  
> Take care everyone and enjoy reading this chapter. (^^-^^)

 

**Chapter Sixty-Seven**

 

Sehyoon knew healing took time. What he didn’t know was that it could be so much easier when you had someone to walk with you through the rough path of being mended back together. He felt time starting to move faster as he slowly drift closer to Byeongkwan, as his fear of being close to the other male started to fade away. He was slowly learning how to live in the moment. Byeongkwan was teaching him how to live his life, how to enjoy every precious moment shared with his loved ones, how to move on, how to breath when he felt like there was no air left around him. Byeongkwan was matching his steps with Sehyoon’s, guiding him, finding solutions with him, lending him a helping hand. If living used to feel like a punishement for Sehyoon before he was now slowly starting to enjoy it. He was coming to realize that time seemed to pass faster when he was with Byeongkwan, with his younger brother and the other two males. Time seemed to pass faster when he enjoyed it, when he didn’t dwell on every second tickling by, when he wasn't being suffocating by the unbearable feeling of dread, when his burdens were shared with someone else, releasing his body from ironclad chains. Time seemed to pass faster, but Sehyoon wasn’t worried, he wasn't afraid, because he was no longer absent from his life while it happened around him. He was slowly learning how to enjoy and cherish every precious moment shared with others and most importantly, he now had Byeongkwan by his side.

Sehyoon had been lost and broken for so long that he had lost any hope in life. He had been trying to merely survive for so long that he had forgotten how to live his life. But everything was changing now. He was no longer lost. His wounds were starting to heal. He had been found and he was being mended back together, slowly, sometimes painfully, but with utmost love and care. Byeongkwan was piecing him together as tenderly as he could, as it was possible for someone to be mended. His soul was starting to feel at ease, darkness of his mind was still fighting against the light Byeongkwan had presented to him, but Sehyoon wasn’t afraid anymore. He wasn’t alone in this battle. Byeongkwan was there to guide him, lend him his armor when Sehyoon had nothing left to fight. Sehyoon was slowly realizing that he had been found. He had unconsciously stumbled upon the beam of light while running through the darkness. His soul had been dragged in dirt for so long, but it was slowly being freed from it. Every silent touch he shared with Byeongkwan washed the filth that had covered his soul for so long away.

Sehyoon was glad he had stumbled upon Byeongkwan. Byeongkwan, who had changed his life, who had made him feel happy and in love. Sehyoon was being filled with hope and life. He was no longer running away. He was finally done being a coward. He was no longer afraid of time running out, because for once in his life he was enjoying living his life. He wouldn’t wait for time to run out anymore. He no longer wished for life to stop happening.

Sehyoon had promised himself and Byeongkwan, he had promised his younger brother that he would live through every moment. He would cherish every precious second spend with people he had come to care for and who cared for him. Life was happening and Sehyoon was happy for it to happen. He was no longer afraid.

He had been found and he could be mended.

Healing took time, he knew that. It was rough process to walk through, but it felt so much easier when you had reason to heal for. When you had someone or something worth living for. When there was someone willing to heal you, piece your shattered soul back together with their tender hands.

Sehyoon had found his own reasons of living. And he was healing.

He wouldn't stop trying even if his healing process lasted for the rest of his life – him, not giving up on himself, on his life, mattered to someone, meant something to someone. To someone, Sehyoon had come to cherish and love. And he would heal. He would heal for himself and for Byeongkwan. 

He had found Byeongkwan.

And Byeongkwan had found him.

They were healing, for different reasons, in different ways, but they were beside each other to watch one another heal, lend a gentle hand when it was needed.

 

**Chapter Sixty-Eight**

 

Time seemed to move faster as they carried on their trip more carefree and happier than ever. It felt like they were moving fast forward in time, in the new beginning, in the happiest stage of their lives. Hours slowly started to turn into days, days turned into weeks and as they took the turn around the country, Sehyoon realized that their worlds turned hundred and eighty degree along with it. They were emerging on the new path of life, on the way leading them back home – a place made for love and happiness, for sheltering five souls the world had tried to break in different ways, but survived.

They were getting closer to the beginning of a new life with each covered mile and Sehyoon thought that he was brave enough to leap into the flames and let the life swallow him alive. He thought he was brave enough to live without any regrets as long as he had Byeongkwan by his side. As long as he felt Byeongkwan’s fingers clutching onto his tightly, reminding him that someone had found him, reminding him that he shouldn’t be afraid of getting lost inside the darkness of his mind, because Byeongkwan’s was there to guide him out of it, walk the rest of his life with Sehyoon by his side.

They were getting closer to the beginning of a new life and five of them, in their own, different ways, were ready to live it to the fullest, to not let cruelty of the world break them apart, tear their carefully pieced family.

They knew it wouldn’t be easy, always full of laughter and smiles, that there would be thorns along the way, but they wouldn't let the fear of getting scratched stop them from living their lives. They weren't alone. They had found people willing to tend their wounds, care for their well beings. They knew it wouldn’t be easy, that there would be times when they would want to give up, when they would feel hopeless, tired of trying, but there also would be times when they would feel happy, invincible, courageous, reckless and alive. There would always be people worth living for.

Living a new, fulfilling life wouldn’t be impossible if they had each other to lean on and trust, to whisper their worries and delights.

They had found each other after searching and running for so long and they were ready to live their lives, afraid, but willing, broken, but healing, once lost, but found again.

The new cycle was starting.

The sun had finished rising high on the sky.

 

**Chapter Sixty-Nine**

 

“Are you sleeping?” Byeongkwan whispered in a hushed voice as he carefully slipped under the blanket beside Sehyoon, his arms instinctively reaching for the other’s waist.

“No.” Sehyoon murmured in return before turning around to face Byeongkwan, inching closer to the other male.

“We will be back home soon.” Byeongkwan started after they settled down in a comfortable position, Sehyoon’s head resting on Byeongkwan’s arm, legs tangled and fingers intertwined. Sehyoon hummed in response to let the other know that he was listening. _They would be home soon_. “I ha.. There’s this one room I never use and I want to turn it into an art studio for you, so you can paint anytime, undisturbed and get as much freedom and some alone time as you may need.” Byeongkwan explained, hopeful look in his eyes. Sehyoon looked up at him and rested his hand on his lover’s cheek before bringing his face down.

“You don’t have to do it, Byeongkwan. I’m already happy enough to have you by my side.” He whispered, lips brushing against his lover’s. Byeongkwan smiled in the touch. He knew Sehyoon would never ask more from him. He knew he was enough just the way he was for Sehyoon, but he wanted Sehyoon to return back to the dreams cruelty of the world once had tore away from him. He wanted Sehyoon to fully live and enjoy his life, without any regrets, without any what ifs and doubts. He wanted to do that much for Sehyoon.

“I know, Sehyoon, but I want you to have your own space. I want to help you make your old dreams come true. I want to walk inside the halls of an art gallery, knowing that it’s full of your art, knowing that there are little parts of your soul scattered around in every corner and side. I want you to have something you love.” Byeongkwan told him, holding Sehyoon close in his arms. He wanted Sehyoon to have his own little world in their apartment, where he could hide away when he needed some alone time, where he could bring parts of his soul to life. He wanted Sehyoon to have his own little space, where he could let Byeongkwan see his soul uncovered. He wanted Sehyoon to have a place in their apartment called his own, full of something he enjoyed doing and held dear.

“I already have you, Byeongkwan.” Sehyoon whispered as he buried his face inside the crook of Byeongkwan’s neck, hiding his flushed face from his lover. His words made Byeongkwan laugh. He felt warmness filling him, ready to spill out of every inch of his being, to engulf them in its soothing arms. He held Sehyoon closer, until he was sure their hearts had become one.

“You do and you always will. But I want you to paint again, Sehyoon, because I know how much you love it. I want to give you everything life had forcefully taken from you back, one by one.” Byeongkwan told him, gentle smile resting on his lips. He felt Sehyoon smiling against his skin, felt his lips brushing against his neck, setting the world around them in fire.

“I want to do something for you too, Byeongkwan. I want to make you happy too. I want you to feel my love.” Sehyoon murmured against his skin. Byeongkwan could hear anxiety and desperation in the other’s voice. Only if Sehyoon knew how happy and loved he made Byeongkwan feel, how he completed his life.

“You are already making me happy, Sehyoon. I have never felt this loved in my entire life. I feel complete, Sehyoon. You make me feel whole. You make me the happiest man alive.” Byeongkwan pushed himself up, looking down at Sehyoon with blazing fire in his eyes. Sehyoon smiled up at him. Byeongkwan was sure he saw stars burning brightly across the night sky.

“Sometimes I wonder if I am enough. If I will ever be enough. I want to be enough for you, Byeongkwan.” Sehyoon confessed, voice trembling slightly, as he reached up to caress Byeongkwan’s cheek with his thumb.

“You are enough, Sehyoon.” Byeongkwan kissed the back of his hand, grasping it tightly with his fingers. “You will always be enough, because all I want is you, by my side, from this very moment until forever.” Byeongkwan told him before leaning down and kissing him, deep, burning with desire. He felt his heart going wild. Kissing Sehyoon always felt like setting himself on fire and loving every single burn.

“I love you, Byeongkwan.” Sehyoon murmured breathlessly against his lips and instead of words Byeongkwan kissed him again, their lips melting against each other contained every word they found impossible say, every thought they were unable to speak, every emotion ever felt for one another.

 _I love you, Byeongkwan._ Sehyoon’s words kept echoing in his mind as they let themselves be lost in time, in each other’s arms.

They were enough.

They were in love.

They were building home out of each other.

Sehyoon couldn’t promise Byeongkwan to be by his side forever, because forever wasn’t long enough, but what he could promise was to love him until the end of the time.

 

*******

 

“Baby, come here.” Junhee beckoned when the younger male paddled out of the bathroom, wet hair covering his eyes. Yuchan crawled on the bed beside Donghun, who had Junhee trapped between his arms. The other male opened one of his arms for him to get inside, before trapping both of his lovers in his embrace, pressing them close against his sides.

“We need to get you a haircut.” Junhee said as he pushed Yuchan’s wet bangs out of his face.

“I love it that way.” Donghun murmured causing both of his lovers to look up at him, bright smiles on their lips, snuggling closer to the oldest male, squishing him between each other.

“I will love it either way. It’s up to Channie to decide.” Junhee told him, patting Yuchan lovingly on the cheek, who leaned in his touch.

“I want to keep it this way.” Yuchan mumbled, looking up at Donghun with bright, expecting eyes. The oldest male felt the younger’s love just from the single glance.

“I love you so much.” Donghun broke into a content smile, pressing his lips against Yuchan’s forehead, squeezing him tightly against his side. It was such small gestures that made him feel cherished and loved. Yuchan was full of adoration for them and they loved him just as much. Their love had no boundaries and Donghun was willing to explore every side, because he knew no matter which path he took they all would lead him back to his lovers.

“Me too.” Yuchan said as both, he and Junhee pushed themselves up and pressed their lips against Donghun’s mouth. He felt Junhee’s lips against half of his mouth and Yuchan’s on the other half, but they made him feel the same way – loved. They were three different people, but they had been mended into one. Their touches felt the same, their actions alike. They were three suns across the sky moving towards one another, crashing and exploding into happiness and warmth. The outcome was always the same, no matter how differently, at what time they came in touch with each other. They always resulted into the collision of three different hearts, driven by the force of love they shared for one another.

“We want to tell you something, Channie.” Junhee started as he pulled away and sat up.

“Wh.. What is it?” Yuchan stammered out, sudden feeling of nervousness rushing through his body.

“Don’t worry. It’s not something bad.” Donghun laughed, running his hand up and down on the younger’s arm, trying to give him some comfort. Yuchan nodded, pressing himself close to Donghun’s side. Junhee took the younger's hand in his, caressing the back of it with his thumb.

“Hun and I talked with the other guys in our band.” Junhee told him and Yuchan felt his heart bouncing inside his chest as he waited for Junhee to finished what he had to say. “I have decided to take main guitarist’s position and we want you take my place as one of the main vocalists.” Junhee explained before breaking into a wide grin. Yuchan sat up instantly, clutching his chest with his hand. He felt dizzy. It felt unreal.

“I.. Jun.. I can’t..” He managed, eyes wide and mouth agape. He felt himself starting to tremble.

“You can, Channie.” Junhee told him as he cupped Yuchan’s face with his hands. “We don’t want to force you anything. Just give it a try. When we get back. Just try once.” Yuchan could hear silent plea in the other male's voice. Junhee and Donghun were trying to turn his biggest dream into a reality. There were giving him a chance. Yuchan wouldn’t disappoint them. He would try.

“I will.” Yuchan promised, gathering his lovers hands in his. “I want you to make you proud.” Donghun and Junhee gave him a warm smile in return. Yuchan felt tears stinging in his eyes. He was happy. He felt so happy. It was impossible to contain so much happiness inside his body. He would try. He would also try his best to learn how to play a guitar. He would try his best to be a good main vocalist. He wanted to make Donghun and Junhee proud of him. He wanted them to proudly say, that’s our lover. “I.. Th.. Thank you so much.” Yuchan stuttered out. He didn't know what to say, how to express his happiness and thankfulness. Tears found their way on his cheeks, but they were tears of happiness. He had never felt this happy in his life. He wondered if his mother was looking down on him, if his mather could see how happy he was, if his mother knew Yuchan had found his home, people who loved and cherished him, people he loved. He wondered if his mother was looking over at him and Sehyoon, smiling warmly at her children finding peacefulness in the arms of their lovers.

He was sure she did. He was sure she would look over five of them for the rest of their lives.

“No, Channie. Thank you.” Donghun whispered as he pulled both, Yuchan and Junhee in his arms. They laid there, silently, enjoying each other’s presence, listening to each other’s breathing and hearts, beating madly against their chests, willing to be mended into one.

Yuchan could lay with them like this forever, arms and legs messily tangled with his lovers, content with his life.

He could lay with them like this forever.

Every cell in his body was telling him that they were his happily ever after.

He had found his happily ever after.

 

**Chapter Seventy**

 

“Channie.” Donghun whispered as he gently shook the younger male, sleeping soundlessly on his shoulder, awake. Yuchan stirred in his sleep, rubbing his eyes. He blinked at the older male in confusion. “We have arrived.” Donghun explained just as Byeongkwan stopped the car in front of Donghun’s and Junhee’s apartment building and turned off the engine. Yuchan’s unfocused gaze immediately trailed outside on their surroundings, sudden wave of nervousness running through his entire body. It was dark outside, but the area of parking lot was lit by the street lights. His gaze landed on Sehyoon in the passenger seat, who was turned over in his seat, giving him a gentle smile.

“We will give you some time alone to yourselves.” Junhee said, smiling at the brothers. He could only imagine how anxious they must have felt. “Wouldn’t it be better if you talked inside?” He suggested, but the other two shook their heads in return.

“We.. We will take a walk.” Sehyoon said before gesturing Yuchan to get out of the car. Junhee nodded and let the younger male jump down from the backseat of Byeongkwan’s car.

“We will unpack the car in the mean time.” Junhee called after them as they watched the brothers walk away from the car. “Will they be alright?” Junhee asked, turning worried eyes on his other boyfriend and best friend, whose eyes were still trained on the brothers.

“They will be alright.” Donghun answered a minute later and Junhee could read unspoken words in his eyes. _We will be alright._

 

*******

 

“Are you afraid?” Sehyoon asked as he took Yuchan’s hand in his, squeezing it in a gentle manner.

“I’m not afraid.” Yuchan shook his head in return, gentle smile on his lips. “Are you?” He returned. Sehyoon’s eyes turned from him to Byeongkwan few meters away from where they stood. He was carrying Yuchan's backpack inside the building.

“I think I’m not. I thought I would be but I am not, Channie.” Sehyoon confessed as he returned his gaze back to his younger brother. “I just want you to know that I love you more than anything and anyone and I will always be by your side no matter what changes in our lives, Channie. I want you to know that you have someone ready to shield you in his arms anytime. I want you to know that I am always here to hear any story of your worries, your happiness, your sadness, your excitement, your love. We are no longer alone, Channie, but you are still the most precious person I have left in life and I want you to remember that I am always here, ready to protect you and fight for you until the last breath of mine. I want you to know that if something happens, good or bad, there's someone you can always run to. You can always find me, Channie. Remember that I am always willing to risk my life. I want you to strive for your happiness and dreams, Channie and I know that you can find it with Donghun and Junhee by your side. I want you to be happy and well for the rest of your life, Channie. I can only be happy if I know that you are safe from harm, you are laughing and smiling, you are cherished and loved. Remember that it's still you that matters to me the most in my life. It used to be always us, Channie, always you and me, hiding, running and it's changing now. It's changing for good and I want both of us to be happy, to be loved and in love.” Sehyoon pulled his younger brother in his arms, holding him close and dear to his heart. He wanted them to be happy. He wanted them to live rest of their lives happy and in love, cherished and loved. He felt sudden dumpness on his t-shirt. Yuchan was crying.

“We aren’t parting ways, Sehyoon.” Younger said. He wasn't talking to Sehyoon. He was trying to reassure himself that they weren't parting away from each other.

“We aren’t.” Sehyoon confirmed, rubbing soothing circles on the other's back. “I just want you to know that I am always by your side, Channie.”

“I will always be by your side, Sehyoon.” Yuchan choked out, tightening his hold around Sehyoon’s neck. “I love you so much.”

“Let’s be happy now, alright?” Sehyoon told him as he gently pulled the younger out of his embrace and wiped his tears away, warm smile resting on his lips.

“Let’s be happy now.” Yuchan repeated, breaking into a wide smile. “We are home, Sehyoon.” He said as he took Sehyoon’s hand in his and led him back to the car.

_“We are home, Channie.”_

 

**Chapter Seventy-One**

 

Yuchan fiddled with the hem of his t-shirt nervously as he sat on the living room couch of his lovers’ apartment, observing the other two men moving swiftly around the house. Byeongkwan and Sehyoon had left few minutes ago, after Byeongkwan had made sure everything was unpacked from the car and Sehyoon had made sure Yuchan was alright. His older brother had given him a long, bone crashing hug before walking out of Yuchan's new home with Byeongkwan by his side.

He didn’t know why he was feeling nervous. It wasn’t like anything would change between them now. It wasn't like this was his first time staying alone with his lovers. It just felt new to him. The reality was slowly starting to settle in his mind.

Just a few months ago he was locked up inside his uncle’s house, scared for his life, bruised and scarred. Hopeless, tainted and silently wailing in anguish. He would never think that few months later he would be sitting on the couch of an unfamiliar apartment that was filled with scent and memories of his lovers. He would never think that few months later he would find someone who would love and cherish him with all his bruises and scars, with his past trying to catch up with him, drag him back to his uncle's house. He would never imagine that few months later he would feel this safe, this protected, this happy, this content, this calm, this loved. But here he was, sitting on the comfortable couch, feeling nervous, but safe, nervous, but happy, nervous, but loved. He had run away from home only to find it in two strangers’ arms. Two strangers, who had become his family, who had become the most important part of his life. He had found Donghun and Junhee. He had found love. He had found his happily ever after.

Yuchan tensed instinctively when he felt two pair of arms sneaking around his waist and shoulders from behind, but immediately relaxed at the familiarity of the touch. He felt Donghun’s and Junhee’s breath on the both side of his face, sweet and warm. He felt nervousness leaving his body all together.

“Welcome home, Channie.” Gentle voices of his lovers whispered in his ears and in that moment Yuchan knew he was at the right place, with the right people by his side.

He had stumble upon his true home while running away from his old one.

He had finally found home after running and searching for years.

Yuchan was finally home.

In between Donghun’s and Junhee’s arms.

 

**Chapter Seventy-Two**

 

“Are you ready?” Byeongkwan asked Sehyoon, who was standing beside him, quiet, eyes fixed on Byeongkwan’s hand clutching the handle of his apartment door tightly. Their new life waited for them on the other side. Sehyoon nodded as he tore his eyes away from Byeongkwan’s hand and let them rest on Byeongkwan's gentle smile. He took the other male’s free hand in his and grasped it tightly with his trembling fingers.

Byeongkwan turned the doorknob and gently pushed it open, revealing a dark lobby inside. They both took a deep breath and hesitated for less than a second before stepping inside the apartment.

This was their first step into their new life.

It took Byeongkwan a second to find a switch and lit up the hall. Sehyoon slowly took in his surroundings. It looked cozy and quiet. Sehyoon found himself being instantly drawn to the apartment. Byeongkwan’s house felt exactly like Byeongkwan. It made Sehyoon feel safe.

“Welcome home, Sehyoon.” Byeongkwan whispered as he closed the door behind their back and squeezed Sehyoon’s hand in encouragement. Sehyoon felt at home.

“Welcome home, Byeongkwan.” He whispered back and let Byeongkwan lead him further inside.

Sehyoon had never felt such strong emotion of belonging somewhere, but as he walked through the apartment, he realized that he belonged here. Inside the apartment that held memories of Byeongkwan, inside the apartment that would hold memories of him and Byeongkwan. For the first time in his life Sehyoon felt like he belonged somewhere. He belonged inside this apartment, by Byeongkwan’s side.

He had lost his way when he was barely a child. He had lost his hopes and will of life, he had his innocent tore away, He had his dreams shattered, body bruised and soul broken by his uncle. He had lost himself inside the darkness of his mind. He had given up on himself and his life. He had let cruelty of the world break him down, destroy every ounce of happiness and hopefulness inside him. He had tried to run away for so many times. He had tried to run away from everything and everyone, from himself, from his uncle, fom Yuchan, from the momories of his past life and while he had been running away, lost in darkness, sightless and bleeding, he had unconsciously stumbled upon Byeongkwan, stubborn, determind, kind Byeongkwan. Byeongkwan who hadn’t given up on him, who had tried to snatch him away from the arms of his own demons, who had tried to save him from the darkness of his own mind, who had tried to show him that even though life was cruel, there were people, there were things worth living for, worth enduring all the pain and struggles. He had stumbled upon Byeongkwan, who had tried to show him that not everyone was cruel, not everyone wanted to break the other people apart. He had stumbled upon Byeongkwan, who had tried to heal his wounds, soothe the madness of his mind. Byeongkwan, who had tried to give him home, make him feel safe and loved and succeeded. Byeongkwan, who Sehyoon had become to hold dear to his healing heart. Byeongkwan, who had given him home, who had proved him the power of true love. Byeongkwan, who had not given up on him, who had considered Sehyoon's life important.

“Sehyoon.” Byeongkwan whispered his name, his voice blending perfectly with comfortable quiet filling the house.

“Yes?” Sehyoon turned to look at him. He came face to face with his lover.

“I love you.” Byeongkwan uttered quietly, leaning closer.

“I love you, Byeongkwan.” Sehyoon let the words leave his lips before pressing them against Byeongkwan’s.

Standing in the middle of the living room, hands intertwined and lips locked together, Sehyoon realized that Byeongkwan had found him bleeding and weeping, Byeongkwan had heard his silent cries, Byeongkwan had decided to piece him back together, love him with all of his faults and give him home in his arms.

Sehyoon had been lost since the very beginning, but Byeongkwan had found him and gave him the reason to live, smile and laugh.

He had been lost and broken for years, but Byeongkwan had found him, had shown him the way to heal his bleeding wounds.

Sehyoon was being pieced together day by day, little by little, piece added to the other, by Byeongkwan's tender touches.

Sehyoon knew he had been found.

They had found home in each other.

 


	22. Chapter 22

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi there.  
> Extra chapters will take shifts in time (after or before the last chapter). If there's something specific you want to know more about feel free to suggest. I will take it in consideration.  
> I wrote this even before the final chapter few days ago. Hope you will enjoy reading it.  
> I (probably) won't bother you with updates for a long time.  
> I didn't get to fix mistakes, so I apologize for them.  
> Take care.

 

**Chapter Seventy-Three**

 

_One year and seven months later._

 

Byeongkwan walked inside an art gallery with hurried steps, a bouquet of colorful flowers clutched in his hand, proud smile dancing on his lips. Today was a very special day.Today, biggest dream of Sehyoon's life was finally coming true. The promise, Byeongkwan once had whispered against Sehyoon’s hair in the dark, quiet night was finally shaping itself into reality. Sehyoon was having his very first exhibition, something he could only dream about when he was a child, something he couldn't even think of when he was a teenager, only concentrated on hiding and running, something he couldn't imagine as an adult, broken and lost, trying to not let his own monsters swallow him alive. But it was happening. His dream was coming true. It would come true by the end of the day. Byeongkwan had made it possible for Sehyoon. Byeongkwan had given him the reason, his own place to make art, bring pieces of his soul to life. Byeongkwan felt proud - proud of Sehyoon and proud of himself.

His lover had locked himself away in his own art studio preparing for the huge day, neglecting Byeongkwan of his presence in the process, for the past week. But Byeongkwan couldn't complain. He was happy for Sehyoon. He felt like one of his biggest dreams were coming true. Sehyoon was his biggest dream. His happiness was Byeongkwan’s, so he couldn’t help but feel excited and nervous for him. He was sure Sehyoon was going to succeed, make name for his own paintings. He had seen Sehyoon's paintings, every single one of them made with careful, trembling hands of his lover’s - deep and meaningful, bizarre and disturbing, beautiful and bright. They were reflections of Sehyoon’s soul. They reflected stories Sehyoon couldn’t tell, stories Sehyoon, his younger brother, Byeongkwan and his best friends had to go through in life. He felt his breath catch as he walked inside the dimly lit hall, Sehyoon’s paintings staring down at him, observing his every step that brought him closer to his lover, to the owner of the paintings hanging from the walls. He could slowly put the entire story together as he passed through every single one of them. There were reflections of Sehyoon’s soul when they had first met, reflections of Sehyoon's soul as they dirifted closer to each other and as Sehyoon's soul slowly started to mend. The exhibition ended with the reflections of how Sehyoon was currently feeling, almost two years later, after most of his wounds have closed and healed. These paintings told the story and Byeongkwan was sure he could never get bored of walking through the halls and observing the process of Sehyoon's healing for the rest of his life, moving from painting to painting until they brought him to where his lover waited for him to come. 

And there he was, standing in front of one of his paintings at the end of the hall, back turned to Byeongkwan, staring at nothing, but the red cloth that covered his latest creation. He walked up to the other male with quiet steps, gentle smile resting on his lips. He noticed slight change in Sehyoon’s posture. Sehyoon had felt his presence.

“Hey.” He greeted in old, familiar manner even after all the time spent together. It was their habit. Something they couldn't get rid of. Something they couldn’t start a day without.

“Hi.” Sehyoon greeted as he turned to face him, eyes shifting between Byeongkwan’s smiling face and the flowers in his hands. “Are they for me?” He asked after a long pause of comfortable silence. Byeongkwan was staring at him as if mesmerized and awe-struck. Every time he and Sehyoon went together to the gallery, he noticed how suddenly Sehyoon changed, how perfectly he blended with the atmosphere, how different he became. Sehyoon belong inside them. He was part of them and they were part of him. Sometimes Byeongkwan wondered if Sehyoon was one of the universe’s own lost paintings, seeking home inside the halls of galleries. Sehyoon looked ethereal when he was trapped between the art covered walls of unfamiliar galleries. He looked ethereally beautiful as he stood in front of his own painting, this time his own art staring down at them silently. Byeongkwan wondered what they saw when they looked at him. If they noticed how Sehyoon changed when he was with him, how at ease and safe their creator felt. He wondered if they could feel Byeongkwan’s love for Sehyoon spilling out of every inch of his being.

Sehyoon was ethereal. He always managed to take Byeongkwan’s breath away.

Byeongkwan’s eyes trailed from Sehyoon to the flowers in his hands before holding them out for the other to take. Sehyoon noticed slight trembling of Byeongkwan's hold out hand and couldn’t resist a warm smile spreading on his lips. Byeongkwan was as nervous as he did. Sehyoon was sure Byeongkwan felt as happy and excited as he did himself.

“Congratulations, Sehyoon.” Byeongkwan whispered when Sehyoon took the bouquet from him, fingers brushing against each other, sending shivers down their spines. It had been so long, but every brush of their fingers still set their entire beings ablaze.

“Thank you, Byeongkwan.” Sehyoon told him before placing a kiss on his lover’s lips. Byeongkwan could feel every single emotion Sehyoon’s simple thank you contained. It was a thank you for everything, from the very beginning to the very end. “Do you want to see it?” Sehyoon asked when they broke apart, gesturing him to the painting on the wall covered with the red cloth. Byeongkwan nodded. Of course, he wanted to see it. This was the only painting of Sehyoon's he hadn’t seen. He couldn’t wait to see what Sehyoon’s hands had painted, what his soul had desired to bring to life.

Sehyoon let go of his hand to take the cloth off the painting. Byeongkwan found himself gasping as what was hidden behind the cloth came in his vision. It was painting of Sehyoon. Every part of his lover's visible skin was covered in cracks that were being covered and healed by differently shaped and colored petals of flowers, wind of change blowing across his face, sweeping his long, black hair backwards. Byeongkwan instantly understood the meaning. It completed the story this gallery was trying to tell. It embodied healing - healing of Sehyoon's own soul, heart and mind.

Sehyoon had decided to end his very first exhibition with such piece, ready to give hope and comfort to every visitor walking through the halls and stumbling across it. The painting was trying to tell its observer that healing was always possible. No matter how broken, how hopeless, how lost they were. There would always be a chance for them to heal as long as they didn't give up.

 

**Chapter Seventy-Three**

 

_One year and nine months later._

 

“Channie?! Channie!” Yuchan spun around at the sound of familiar voice calling his name. He felt his heart racing wildly against his chest. He broke into a bright smile at the sight of his lovers standing by the entrance. Junhee was jumping up and down, trying to grab his attention, while Donghun stood beside him, warm smile resting on his lips. Yuchan hurriedly put his guitar away, leaping down from the stage and straight into his lovers’ arms. Both, Donghun and Junhee wrapped him tightly inside their embrace, pressing him close between each other.

“You did amazing, baby.” Donghun told him with proud smile on his face when they fell apart. Yuchan felt tips of his ears turning red.

“I learn from the best.” However he still managed to flashed him a wide, smug grin, causing the other two to laugh.

“Of course, you do.” Junhee nodded in approval, caressing the back of Yuchan's head. “You did so well, Channie.” He added, eyes warm, proud look on his face. Yuchan felt himself swelling with pride. This was something he had always wanted to hear from his lovers, from the men who had given him a reason to turn his dreams into reality. He had heard these words before, but for different reasons. Hearing them right now made him feel unbearably happy and proud. He had made Donghun and Junhee proud. He was proud of himself for trying.

He could still remember how hard he had tried to convince Donghun and Junhee to give up on the idea of him attending university. His lovers had tried to pursue him with the idea of joining university's band. He remembered crying that the only band he wanted to be part of was Donghun’s and Junhee’s. They didn't give up until they had convinced Yuchan to attend the same university they had attended. Donghun and Junhee had given him an opportunity to be part of two different bands, one temporary and the other one permanent, to gain as much experience as possible in such a short time. And in this moment, as he stood beside his lovers' by the entrance of his university's music hall, he felt extremely thankful of them for not letting him refuse their offer, for not letting him give up on it without trying.

“Thank you.” Yuchan told them and felt tears stinging in the corner of his eyes. He felt happy and thankful. He felt proud of himself, of them. He had never felt like this before. He could never imagine performing at the small university festival would held so much meaning for him, but looking into Donghun’s and Junhee’s warm, proud eyes, made him feel like he had conquered the most unreachable place on the earth. He leaned in to kiss them, first Donghun, then Junhee. He had hearts of the most beautiful people in the entire universe only to himself and he didn't need anything else to make him feel like he had lived his life to the fullest.

Junhee pulled him closer. He felt Donghun's hands rest on his hips. They drove each other crazy, crazy in love, burning in agonizing desire of their lovers’ lips. Yuchan couldn't think about anything, but them. They didn't need much for happiness. They only need each other to be happy and content.

“Hey, Chan. Aren’t you coming?” One of his bandmates voice forced him to pull away from Junhee’s lips. He turned to look at their drummer sitting on the edge of the stage, grinning at him. He shook his head in return, breathless.

“I’m going home.” He managed a minute later before turning back to his lovers, wide grin plastered on his lips. He took Donghun’s and Junhee’s hands in his. “I missed you.” He muttered quietly, feeling shy suddenly. Junhee laughed. Donghun gave him a warm smile.

“You saw us in the morning.” Junhee teased, causing him to flush.

“We missed you too, Channie.” Donghun told him, warmly, caressing the back of his hand with his thumb. “Go get your stuff. We will wait outside.” He gently nudged the younger towards the stage before slipping his other hand into Junhee’s and leading him out of the entrance.

Yuchan hurriedly rushed to the stage, gathering his belongings in his arms. As he was about to disappear inside the backstage familiar voice called his name once again, gathering everyone's attention inside the hall.

“Channie!” Yuchan immediately came to a halt, spinning around to face his lover. Junhee was poking his head inside, grinning wildly. “Hurry up. We prepared a surprise.” He managed to tell him before Donghun pulled him away from the music hall's entrance one more time. Yuchan stood in stunned silence for a minute or two, eyes glued on the same spot Junhee had disappeared from, his previous purpose completely forgotten. 

"Aren't you going?" Their drummer asked, grinning at him with raised brows. Yuchan gave him a confused look before rushing inside the backstage, trying to collect all of his belongings as fast as possible.

Junhee was an insane, untamable soul and he drove both Donghun and Yuchan crazy. His will to be unbounded and free, unfear and happy, full of love and life gave Donghun and Yuchan so much strength, made impossible possible for them. Three of them were so different, but so alike at the same time and Yuchan was happy and thankful to have them by his side. 

 


End file.
